Why don't I love myself? Reasons for low self-esteem. Why am I afraid of my success? Respect your body and your mind

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Previously, I have already considered the reasons why we stop loving ourselves. Today we will diagnose this very dislike in ourselves. At this moment it is always painful and unpleasant - you need to be honest with yourself, and finally admit that something is going wrong in life. There are several billion people on the planet, all different and unique personalities, individualities, but now I will roughly divide and generalize, I apologize, but this is necessary.

1. There are those who realize that their life is going badly. They are unhappy with almost everything that happens. And as a rule, they do not know how to appreciate what they have.
2. There are those who think that everything is fine with them. They tell others about it. They shout so loudly, as if, first of all, they want to convince themselves of this.
3. There are those who understand that they do not love themselves. They openly call themselves losers, incompetents, and mediocrities. They cannot forgive themselves for some mistakes of the past and consider themselves unworthy of anything good, either now or in the future.
4. There are those who think they love themselves. They even consider talking about self-love to be meaningless. It’s the same as saying that the sun is shining or the Earth is spinning.

But, upon closer examination, it turns out that their love for themselves is, well, not mutual, or something. They highlight and cherish some part of themselves, and try to hide some part in the farthest corner of a dark closet so that no one will ever see it in them. Even themselves. So we divided it into 4 parts. It’s rude and clumsy, but it’s easier for me to explain and for you to understand.

Responsibility

Which of these 4 needs to take a life inventory and work on self-love? - That's right, all four. You may ask, why divide then? - Yes, because everyone needs their own approach.

Groups 2 and 3 (let's call them “A”) are aware that they have problems. And they almost know what they are. They need motivation to start changing, help and support along the way.

Groups 1 and 4 (“B”), as a rule, come to a psychologist with requests that do not directly concern them: “The children don't listen. My husband doesn't love me. The boss is a fool. Help me remake them all!” They believe that everything is fine with them, but the lives of other people urgently need to be corrected.

It may seem that V-shki are simply shifting responsibility to others. Yes, this is true, but A-shki are also in no hurry to take responsibility for themselves. Blaming yourself, feeling ashamed, being dissatisfied with yourself does not mean being responsible. This means complaining, whining, waiting for a magical solution to problems, reveling in self-flagellation and self-pity, making excuses for failures in life: “Well, yes, this is how I am, what can I do?” - but don’t work on fixing it.

I think that there will be a separate article about responsibility, or even more than one, since the topic is very serious, but now I want to say that it doesn’t matter whether you accept it or not, it’s still on you. It's like, even though you can't see the air, it is there, and if it weren't there, you would die. So it is with responsibility - you may not take it upon yourself, try to shift it to others. To think that if you sit within four walls and don’t move, then there is zero demand from you - you don’t do anything. But no, you do. - You made the choice to sit within 4 walls and not move. Even when you hesitate to make a choice, this indecision is already your choice and your responsibility.

Why am I doing all this? Self-love does not come from outside. No one will give it to us, no one will bring it, no one will present it, no one will open it. We must nurture it within ourselves, find it, revive it, restart it and support it every day. And for this we need to take responsibility for what happens to our lives. When you realize that life is not just a series of random, unrelated events that carry you anywhere like gusts of wind balloon, and the response of the Universe to your stimuli (decisions, behavior, thoughts, actions, inaction, laziness, etc.), then you understand that you can really control your destiny; change something in it, set and achieve goals, dream and fulfill desires.

So, first: If you don't take responsibility for your life, you don't love yourself.

Denial of reality

If you deny reality, choose to close your eyes to what is happening in your life, exist in a world of fictitious ideals and standards, where “you are not you”, and those around you are not really who they say they are. (or rather, you tend to see some of your own models in them, labeling them, imposing expectations), then you don’t love yourself.

For example, stating: “My husband must love me, because he is my husband”, - you deny human nature as such. You don't accept that people change. That love comes and goes. That a stamp in a passport is not a guarantee of eternal love, devotion, support, and living in your fantasies. As a rule, when they fly off you pink glasses and the realization that you were mistaken covers you, you perceive this not as your mistake and inadequate expectations, contrary to the laws of nature and society, but as a betrayal from the outside.

Popular Misconceptions

• “Children must obey me.”
• “My husband must love me.”
• “The boss should praise me.”
• “Parents are obliged to forgive me.”
• “My friend should support me in everything.”

But these are just our ideas about how the world should be. A certain ideal, a framework into which we want to fit, squeeze the life and behavior of other people. But they do not give in, they live according to their desires and needs, which is why problems arise in interpersonal relationships and dissatisfaction. You can also deny some of your personal qualities that do not correspond to your ideas about goodness. Turn a blind eye to the presence of diseases and disorders, to what is happening around you: “No, this couldn’t happen to me.”. In such cases, the so-called psychological defense mechanism works like "negation".

Eventually, On the one side, we expect that events in life will unfold according to a scenario favorable to us, in accordance with our ideas about good and bad, good and evil. That everything that happens in the world should be aimed at ensuring our well-being and comfort. That the people who surround us are obliged to love us, support us, take care of us, be punctual, responsible, etc. And we get very upset when something goes wrong.

A on the other side- we close our eyes to the presence of serious problems with our health and relationships; we deny the events that have occurred, thereby failing to act where we are required to solve problems. For example, this is often associated with the diagnosis of serious illnesses - we are told the diagnosis, but we cannot accept that this happened to us. We ignore doctor’s orders and don’t take care of our health.

To summarize and shorten, the denial of reality can be represented as:

1) I know how it should be. I want it to be like this because it’s right, but I see that it’s happening differently and I can’t come to terms with it.

2) They tell me that something is wrong with me (or with someone from my environment: husband, children, relatives), but I don’t believe it. This simply cannot be.

So, second: if you deny reality, you don't love yourself.

Dependence on others

If you and your life depend on the opinions, behavior, decisions of other people, you do not love yourself.

Almost all of us lack sincere self-love, self-care, responsibility for our lives and independent awareness. When I live and do something not because it is customary, but because it is my choice at the moment, and now I need, useful and right to do just that. We should be interested in ourselves. A person who is afraid of loneliness is afraid of himself. Afraid of being alone with his thoughts, which he does not control. I am my own slave. Your own enemy. And this is an unconscious choice. This is an acquired habit of living this way. And this bad habit, which must be replaced with a useful one - to love and respect yourself. Be your own friend, lover, adviser, child and parent at the same time.

We are social, we need people, but there is not a single person other than ourselves whom we should need.

As soon as we begin to depend on someone, a part of our life immediately goes out of our control, under the control of this person. The most interesting thing is that he doesn’t know about it. He did not receive either an SMS notification on his phone or an email: “Olya-la - with today Maria Ivanova needs you, and now you are responsible for her well-being”. The other person is unaware of our decision to depend on him. But we immediately begin to make claims and grievances. We tie our mood to what he said or did. Or didn't say or do. Although this person, well, he just is. He lives as he lived. Everything that has changed has changed in us. Deep inside and outwardly invisible.

We are speaking: "You ruined my mood, my day, my evening, my life". Yes, of course, completely denying the influence other people have on us is crazy. And it’s still possible to understand about “ruining the mood,” although it’s debatable (some immediately say that it’s a matter of attitude, and we spoil our own mood by deciding whether to be upset about this or that event or not). But that's when we're talking about about a ruined life, then for a minute, is your life completely and completely ruined by another person every day? What are you doing in order to somehow protect and secure yourself from it? Well, besides the fact that every day you scandalize, accuse, attack, defend yourself and suffer from how unhappy you are and how unlucky you are with this monster?

Perhaps what I say now will be serious news for you, but We are not tightly tied to any person in our lives.. There are, of course, cases when people are born fused, but as a rule, they try to separate them, if possible. I'm talking about the fact that we are all united and connected by invisible, but damn strong threads of psychological dependence and attachment, and nothing more. These threads can be disconnected, cut, torn, burned, made thinner, etc. It doesn’t matter - it’s a blood relationship or a complete stranger, you’re nearby or there are thousands of kilometers between you - you can break off all contacts with him, and you have the right to do so, if you need to improve, secure, cleanse your life from his influence, participation, destruction . And, if you don’t do this, then you behave exactly the same towards yourself as he does towards you. And you have no right to condemn and blame him, because you are the same.

So, third: if you and your life depend on other people, you don’t love yourself.

It seems like you already have a lot to think about. You will find 6 more indicators of self-dislike in the next article. That's all I have for today.

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You can read about the influence of experience and habits, but today I want to look at the 2nd point - Fears. In them, I identified 3 groups that, in my opinion, have the greatest impact:

• Fear of taking responsibility.
• Fear of changing life.
• Fear of losing relationships.

Fear of taking responsibility

If I agree with the idea that I am the most important person in my life, and that only self-love and friendly cooperation with myself will help me live a joyful and happy life, then I automatically admit that all my past and current sorrows, troubles, failures, failures, deprivations, mistakes, losses are entirely my fault and my responsibility.
Sometimes it can be really hard for us to accept certain events. Not only the responsibility for them, but even the very fact of their existence, our psyche cannot digest so much that it displaces them from memory as if nothing had happened. Especially when it comes to traumatic incidents, disasters, accidents, violence, etc.
But even if you forget about the past, forgive yourself for everything that happened, really, truly, without remorse, without emotional reaction, without cold sweat and tears, then there is still one more big and difficult work ahead - learning to take responsibility for absolutely everything that happens in your life.

• Children do not obey - they are not bad, stupid, like their father, etc., but you cannot find an approach to them.
• The relationship with your husband is not going well, he is somehow not like that - you chose him and continue to choose him every day, staying close.
• You're not happy with your job - it's not your boss who's a fool, but you don't have the competence or courage or anything else to change your current situation.
• If you don’t like the reflection in the mirror, it’s not God who created you this way, and it wasn’t your parents who gave you “unsightly” genes, but you’re lazy and don’t know how to love yourself.
• If you don't like your neighbors, find an approach.
• It is not God who does not give you health and sends punishments - it is you who choose the path of illness and torment.

As for situations where there are seriously ill relatives in the family, children who require care, attention, patience - of course, it is not your fault for their illnesses, but you are responsible for how you deal with it. - Strength and energy are at zero, are you ready to go out the window? or do you organize your life in such a way that there is still time to live fully and happily?
Of course, it’s hard to take on everything at once. But no one demands it. You just already know you're in debt only to ourselves and are responsible only in front of. Start a little at a time. One step, half a step, but every day. Observe what is happening in your life. Notice what you don't like, what exhausts you or just kills you.
This does not mean that you should immediately divorce your husband and send your children to Orphanage, and your parents to a nursing home, sell your apartment and go to Goa - you simply cannot withstand such drastic changes, you will not have time to adapt to them, and even if you do all this, then in the end, when you are left alone with yourself, you will be overwhelmed by such melancholy and remorse that instead of self-love, even greater hatred, rage and contempt will appear.

Mark literally 1-2 areas of your life that require immediate intervention, otherwise you will “fly off the rails,” and slowly begin to unravel this tangle. To begin with, I suggest you a small, but very useful diagram questions.

Scheme of 7 questions for self-help in getting out of a difficult life situation:

1. What do I have in this area? (short description current situation to understand what is happening)
2. What doesn't suit me about this? (your attitude to the situation, why it’s difficult for you)
3. How did I come to this? What are my actions (I will emphasize “my” (that is, your) actions) led to this?
4. What do I want it to be like ideally? (an ideal picture is needed 1) to understand how far what is now from what you want: 2) to further motivate yourself)
5. What is enough to do now to make it easier? (listing the simplest steps for emergency self-help. If in medical terms, then the removal of “symptoms” in order to free up strength to fight the “disease” itself)
6. Who can help me? Who can support me with word, advice, time, energy, action, financially? (search for resources in various options and from any, even the most unexpected sources)
7. How have other people solved (are solving) similar problems? Where can I get knowledge about this? (This is important in order to understand that no matter how difficult the situation is, you are not alone. Even if you don’t have a single relative, friend, acquaintance, you can find specialists for money, or advice on some thematic forums , YouTube videos, blog articles, stories in books, etc.).

Fear of changing life

When you understand that you are happy or unhappy, whether you are joyful or sad - this is only your responsibility, then you come to the conclusion that you can indeed change your states either by changing your attitude to what is happening, or by trying to change what is happening itself.

For example

You can admit that your husband is far from ideal, and in fact, he is not the person you imagined him to be 3-5 years ago. And what you see today does not suit you in a number of ways, but! You are not ready to divorce him for a lot of reasons.
It makes no sense to discuss and describe these reasons here, because they are not always objectively logical, significant and correct, since when we talk about the psyche, emotions, attitudes, it is always subjective, which means there is no other feeling, attitude, emotion except your own is not here and now. And, if you think that you cannot divorce your husband because he good man and you’re sorry to upset him, which means this is truly an undeniably important reason in your current reality.
Perhaps you will wake up tomorrow morning with a slightly updated system of values ​​​​and ideas overnight and decide that this is not such a big obstacle and begin decisive action, but today is an important reason for you to leave everything as it is.

But leaving it as is does not mean suffering. This means that you need to make another choice - to suffer or not.
If you choose to stay with your husband and suffer, it means you like to suffer, and this is your happiness - you don’t know any other way and are not ready to rebuild. The difference between being happy from joy and being happy from suffering is about the same as the difference between fast food and well-prepared home (or restaurant) food - you either quickly get enough of what is maximally available without special effort and investments, or work hard to eat healthy.
If you choose to stay with this person, but not suffer, then you have a lot of opportunities and options from... fall in love with your husband again, before... stop paying attention to him altogether and switch to creativity, for example.

We are afraid to start changing our lives, because it is not just one tangled ball, but a large basket with various skeins of wool and thread - if you pull one end, you will definitely hook 3-5 more. This is how your whole life can begin to change, and change is always the unknown. And what will she be like? new life? What to expect from her? What if it gets even worse? The environment, work, attachments, habits will change, in the end, I myself (myself) will become not who I am!
Yes, indeed, as soon as you start to unravel one, all other spheres will follow, but this is not a problem, not a curse and not a reason for fear - it is a gift. It lies in the fact that

even if you start to put things in order in only one area, everything in the rest will also gradually fall into place.

Yes, initial devastation cannot be ruled out. Most likely, some pieces will have to be restored from ruins, but this is not because you began to change, in fact, they have been in a sad state for a long time, it’s just that now you paid attention to this and recognized that they are subject to reconstruction.
Think of it as a journey, a story you write yourself, a fun game where you set the rules and choose the players (at least the ones that matter most to you).
Don’t be afraid that changes in all areas will fall on you overnight, and you will get bogged down in an endless analysis of the consequences - don’t rush yourself and then everything will happen with the required speed and at the right time.
remember, that

You influence a lot, but you are not omnipotent. Some changes will still occur without your control, but the reaction to them is already your responsibility.

Also, we are afraid to start making changes in our lives because we still care what others think about it. Our parents, relatives, friends, teachers, mentors, co-workers, colleagues, partners, neighbors, etc.
We are afraid that we will not be able to prove our point of view to them, to adequately defend ourselves in front of them. Introduce thesis entitled “Improving my life” in a favorable light in front of the esteemed commission and receive approval from everyone and “excellent.”
But in reality, there is no commission, there are no assessments. There is one examiner - you yourself. Only you give yourself points and no one else. Those around you poke their nose into all areas of your life, give out advice, instructions and are ready to make you a list of values, restrictions and a schedule for every day, but this is all a synthetic introduction, from which you either know how to protect yourself, or believe everything that flies at you. you.
Of course you will change, but you will not become someone else, but yourself. And in order to preserve your selfhood, originality, uniqueness and liveliness, you need to learn to defend your boundaries and interests, to protect them from the outside influence of anyone.

Your path is your responsibility.

Fear of losing relationships

If I start loving myself, my relationships with other people (parents, children, partners, colleagues, friends) will suffer.
Whether we like it or not, whether we know about it or not, whether we were trained on purpose or unconsciously use the skills inherent in us by nature - we all manipulate and at the same time are objects of manipulation.
In our ordinary life, too many people communicate and interact with us through pressure on our pain points. For example, elderly parents who lack attention influence feelings of guilt by making them feel like a bad son or a terrible daughter. You try to devote all your free time to them. Sometimes even to the detriment of oneself, personal life and career.

Lyrical digression

I don't give out grades "right wrong". Even "Fine" And "Badly" I use it in my articles only because this is the clearest way for me to describe something more positive or more negative in the usual philistine approach. So, it’s not for me to advise you whether to devote your life to caring for your parents or tell them to go to hell and call once a year - only what is important and right for you personally is important. But if you feel like it's draining you, and deep down, the more you show concern, the more you hate, then this is a sure sign that it's time for you to reconsider your relationship with this person.
And yes I say that we are not tightly attached to any person in our life, but this does not mean that we have the right to abandon those who depend on us without protection and attention. How to make this transition painful or filled with patience and love is up to you, but I never advocate cruelty.

Using the same schemes, we are manipulated by our spouses, getting from us what they need, by children, work colleagues, business partners, even grandmothers on public transport. When a person takes the path of self-love, he begins to realize the influence of manipulation and his own effects on others. There is a natural desire to free yourself, to get out, to express everything you think about those who have taken advantage of you for so long. And of course, you understand that such behavior will lead to a scandal, or even a complete severance of relations with those who are important and dear to you.

In fact, protecting and upholding personal boundaries and interests does not lead to war and loneliness, but how exactly you do it can work against you.

• Be more tolerant, patient and more attentive to others.
• Refuse gently but firmly, do it with love.
• Explain why you are doing this, if this will help not to offend and preserve the relationship.
• Offer other solutions.
• Show your interest in maintaining communication, but be prepared for the fact that the other party may not accept the new you. Don't accept your new behavior. This is her choice. And may you have enough love, patience and understanding to give the person time to get used to you.

You yourself know that those who truly love you, appreciate you, and are glad to see you in their lives will stay close and try to help and support you. And those who leave may very painfully open your eyes to some of your misconceptions about your relationship, but there are always two people interacting, and everyone has free will and choice. Accept their choice and let them go.

I will talk about how our misconceptions and lack of skills prevent us from taking the path of self-love in the following articles.

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"...My whole attitude towards myself can be described by the following phrase: all my life I have been trying to love a person whom I don’t like, but with whom I, alas, am destined to live my whole life. I passionately want to be not myself - to be different. And in this person It seems to me that everything is unpleasant, homeless, cold and vulgar - I don’t like myself.

If I were an outsider, I would think that this is a good person, and something about him evokes pity and sympathy. But I don’t love him, it’s just “not mine”, my soul doesn’t belong. And I wouldn’t communicate with such a person, because there is nothing to take from him, this communication causes a feeling of emptiness.

How can you feel this way about yourself? How can I change this? I understand that there are no objective reasons for me to consider myself terrible - I am no better, no worse than anyone else. I just don't like myself. I want to be what I apparently am not.

Admitting that I am sad shit :) is fraught with hysteria and physical weakness, almost illness (sometimes I cry for several days, my eyes swell, my blood pressure drops, I can lie semi-conscious for days). Then I recover a little, continue to exist, and over time everything repeats itself. This has been going on for four years, or even more, and is not associated with any cycles or life periods. It’s just that from year to year it’s getting harder and worse for me from the understanding that the years go by, I’m starting to get old, but nothing changes. I never started living..."(from a psychological forum on the Internet).

This appeal “to the world” touched not only my heart - 145 comments were registered on it.

“I don’t see any prospects for myself”

“...I don’t get pleasure from communication. It turned out that as a child I always had problems with any of the children’s groups - they bullied me, they didn’t want to communicate with me. By the seventh grade I realized that there was practically nothing to talk to me about. However, Since I was a teenager, I dreamed that I would have a job related to communication (journalist, diplomat), where I would need to communicate on a professional level, where I would be taught how to communicate with people. And now I am often reproached for my shyness, unsociability, and inactivity. It is very difficult for me to communicate with any people, no matter who they are, sometimes I have to make an effort to continue the conversation.I often do not perceive what those around me are talking about.

I studied to be a psychologist, but I’m afraid that in my specialty I won’t be able to work with such and such communication skills. ...I don’t see any prospects for myself. It so happens that I don’t have any skills, it’s very difficult for me to concentrate, so apparently the years of training didn’t do me any good. It's a shame that I don't use any professional skills at work. I wanted to work with children, I tried to work as a teacher, but “they asked me from there” because I could not captivate the children with anything.

In general, I don’t even know what I would like to do in life. Or maybe my “I want”, “I need”, “I can” do not intersect in any way, so I try myself wherever I see an opportunity. Sometimes it seems to me that I simply have no brains, since I see few opportunities for myself...

The question is how to see a perspective for yourself and do things that would benefit people. And in general, what does it mean to be an active person, how to become more “nimble”, or what?”(from a recent psychological forum on the Internet).

“How can you feel this way about yourself?”

Self-dislike is not born with us, it is formed from rejection child by parental figures as he is. Everything that they don’t like in his childhood manifestations, the elders highlight (emphasize) as negative. assessment and demonstrating your bad attitude for this, even to the point of rejection. In order to maintain the love of his loved ones, the child strives to meet the expectations of others, and he himself starts to dislike in themselves what they don’t like, suppressing their rejected feelings, opinions, desires, aspirations...

Gradually, all children’s properties that do not correspond to external expectations develop into an image of a “bad self,” which the child has to constantly restrain so as not to cause a bad attitude towards himself. He strictly monitors this self-esteem, which is a direct continuation of the parent assessment. And self-esteem “works” according to the same principle: the threat of rejection - however, already one’s own, becoming a harsh restraining mechanism in a person’s self-manifestation and self-realization. Our heroine hears these critical conclusions addressed to her:

• "You don't understand what we're talking about"
• "You can't get carried away by anything"
• "You don't know what to do in life" and
• "You just don't have any brains."

This is how they appear:

• shyness,
• unsociability,
• inactivity,
• and the fact that “there’s practically nothing to talk to me about.”

It is very possible that this person had a ban on expressing himself in communication when some of her behavior related to children’s activity was criticized - at the end of the statement questions appear indicating this: "What does it mean to be active? How to become more nimble?

At ban“to be yourself” the main task becomes the desire to become different - better. The story of our other heroine begins with a passionate desire." not be yourself". And there is a feeling as if at this time something real and living in a person is pushed somewhere into the depths of himself, where it does not live, but awaits salvation... in its refuge, not trusting the world and not knowing how to live in it (like to a small child). This is confirmed by her final phrase: "I never started living..."

Such a person, in fact, lives only “a part of himself” - the one that he accepts in himself. And the forbidden “part of yourself” is hidden inside, like a criminal in prison or a madman in a mental hospital. And then: “My “I want”, “I must”, “I can” - do not intersect in any way.”

It’s amazing how tightly people can be confined to their beliefs, which severely limit their behavior. The person seems to be in glass ball, separating him from others - from those that have developed in early childhood representations. And it is almost impossible to get out of this imprisonment on your own, without outside help: “The years go by, I start to get old, but nothing changes...”

"How can I change this?"

There's no point in beating yourself up for not being able to change - no one can change their behavior without changing beliefs that control this behavior. Any human behavior comes from an internal “code of laws” that developed in childhood in conditions of adaptation to the parental family. And the whole problem is that we grow up, but the “laws” basically remain the same.

Of course, this whole “children’s plot” is subject to revision in psychotherapy, which makes it possible to change attitude to oneself - this means “working on oneself.” In order to restore the integrity of your “I” through acceptance, the return of your once rejected qualities, traits, feelings, desires, aspirations, talents - only then can you live life to the fullest. Unfortunately, there is no such rule in our lives that a person, at some stage of life, would revise his childhood ideas about his relationships with the world in order to revise and replace those that no longer help, but hinder his life. It would be like initiation into adulthood.

For some reason, psychology, which has considerable knowledge about man, does not penetrate the broad masses. Despite the fact that it is at least a century old, most non-psychologists still have a very vague understanding of what it is. Some classify psychology as medicine, others as pedagogy, and you can often see advertisements for “psychologists”—fortunetellers and predictors. But this is neither one nor the other, nor the third.

It seems obvious to me that psychology designed to explain the mechanisms that govern human behavior. A psychotherapy allows a person, with the help of a specialist, to recognize violations of these mechanisms in himself in order to change his behavior when his life is unsatisfactory. This can be in the area of ​​feelings, and bodily distress, and life events- everything may depend on self-harming beliefs that a person needs to recognize in himself.

Everyone should know what they should do instead of “biting themselves” for their bad behavior. You need to find a good psychologist to start “working on yourself.” And a good psychologist is one who himself has gone through the path of realizing his own “cockroaches” in his head in order to gain a sufficient level of awareness, where he can help another person gain this awareness. What he will help you with, he must go through himself in his own (personal) psychotherapy. It is curious that my non-psychologist clients who work “on themselves” for a long time always say that they receive a “second degree” in this work. Indeed, a person who has undergone psychotherapy becomes capable of further helping not only himself, but also others.

However, in our culture it is not customary to use the services of a psychologist-psychotherapist before psychological problems“materialize”: become adverse events or ill health. Most often, only great suffering leads a person to a psychologist. And when he comes, I often hear that if he had started working “on himself” earlier (ten years), he wouldn’t have such(!) problems...

Relationship with myself- a basic theme of work in psychotherapy, since all a person’s relationships with others are just an external reflection of his “internal” relationships. So, if a person is friends with himself, then he can easily form relationships with others. And, on the contrary, external conflicts occur in those who carry an “internal” conflict within themselves.

Lack of self-love is a problem for many people, especially women. The habit of devaluing oneself is formed due to psychological trauma received in childhood. But it is quite possible to get rid of it, even as an adult.

Definition

Before you start looking for an answer to the question “why don’t I love myself,” you need to understand the concept of self-love. Otherwise, the direction of work on yourself will remain unclear. Does a person's life become better when he loves himself, or is this just another fashion trend? Self-love is not selfishness or laziness. Also, this term does not mean the ability to allow yourself to do whatever you want. People often ask psychologists: “Why don’t I love myself?” When they are asked who, in their opinion, has such a quality, people often name a certain selfish and narcissistic person from their environment.

Self-love is not pride or narcissism

But you need to understand that the true ability to value yourself is not narcissism. It is a conscious decision to respect yourself, your dignity, and protect your boundaries. A person who loves himself should not allow situations of humiliation - both from his opponent and from his own. Those close to him whom he has allowed into his circle must clearly understand how he can be treated and how he cannot be treated.

Signs of a lack of self-love

The following life moments are an indicator of a lack of care, respect and self-love:

• Neglect healthy sleep. A person stays late doing housework or performing some other duties to please other people and to the detriment of his health.
• Lack of self-care and body care. This especially applies to women (how ladies can fall in love with themselves will be discussed below).
• Overeating/undereating/eating junk food. Yes, poor nutrition can be a form of aggression directed at oneself. Therefore, eating another hamburger instead healthy soup with a salad, it’s worth asking yourself: why am I really doing this?
• Lack of physical activity. Fitness, swimming, walking fresh air- those who don’t love themselves don’t even think about all this. As a result, his health is seriously affected. Although at first, of course, the lack of activity does not seem criminal to him. But diseases take years to form, and this is worth remembering.
• Communication that damages self-esteem and humiliates the individual. Seeing a person who continues to be in a toxic relationship, one can only wonder why people don’t love themselves? In many cases, a person simply does not realize that he is not obligated to support communication that is harmful to him. To realize this, it is often necessary to work with a psychologist.
• Violation of boundaries by family and friends. A person who does not love himself becomes a kind of scapegoat in the family. Other relatives shamelessly take advantage of his opportunities, time, property and abilities.
• Reluctance to realize your dreams, lack of motivation to start fulfilling them. For years and decades, the personality seems to be trying to get out of a vicious circle, but does not make any effort to do so - although it is not clear why. A person does not love himself if he does not try to make his life better, if he does not strive to take advantage of the opportunities that fate provides him.
• Dissatisfaction with yourself and your life. All of the above leads to the person becoming depressed. Life becomes unbearable for her.

Causes

There are several factors that lead to this state of affairs:

• Low social status. From youth, a person is unable to build close relationships with others.
• Dysfunctional family atmosphere.
• Constant failures in life.
• Excessive criticism of parents, teachers, and then bosses.
• The presence of imperfections in appearance.
• Addictions - alcoholism, gambling, drug addiction, etc.

“Why don’t I love myself?”: a woman’s question

A woman often makes the mistake of completely devoting herself to her husband and children. There are also ladies who devote their lives to work and career, leaving no room for themselves and their desires. But after some time, they begin to worry about issues that were not previously considered important - their own physical and mental health, having self-confidence, self-esteem and how to love yourself. It’s good if a lady begins to think about this not at a late age, but earlier, when there is still an opportunity to rebuild her worldview.

Living in the rhythm of a big city, with all its bustle, haste and eternal problems, it is very important to slow down and listen to your heart and your feelings. Let society enthusiastically impose on us “All the best for children” and encourage us to worship the “flowers of life”, but we must first think about ourselves. After all, a happy woman-mother is a delight for the child and for the family as a whole.

The consequences of women devaluing themselves

If there is no self-love, then you need to start cultivating it as quickly as possible, and not throw yourself into a distant dusty corner. The state of self-dislike leads to the destruction and degradation of personality. Life becomes not a joyful fairy tale, but a heavy burden in which there is no place for lightness, rosy mood and inspiration.

How can representatives of the fair sex learn to value themselves?

How can a woman love herself and increase her self-esteem? Typically, psychologists give the following recommendations:

• Accept your flaws and shortcomings. No ideal people, however, everyone has the right to be themselves - after all, this is precisely why a person is born
• Don't "wind up" yourself. This is a real scourge for many women. You should not take sorrows and temporary difficulties to heart.
• Develop patience. You shouldn’t waste your energy on irritation - it’s better to put it into a constructive direction. And then, you see, all the problems will be resolved.
• Love yourself today, not in the future. After all, you can wait endlessly until you can lose weight or take a high position.

The basic principles of self-love are:

• Respect for yourself and your environment. A person who does not value himself cannot value those around him. That is why an integral part of self-love is self-respect and respect for others. Taking care of your health - both physical and mental. The first step that a person who loves himself can and should take is to take care of the state of his body and psyche. Do you have any physical illnesses? Do you need to visit a therapist or highly specialized specialist? Perhaps there are emotional difficulties that need to be resolved with a psychologist? Or do you suffer from sleep disturbances and need to visit a neurologist or somnologist?
• The ability to pamper yourself with things that bring joy and satisfaction. To do this, you need to determine what exactly brings pleasure. This is something different for each person. One likes hiking in nature, another likes caring for their own garden or garden plants, and a third likes creativity and art. One of the main psychological advice How to love yourself is this: you need to learn to allocate time in your schedule for those things that really make you happy.
• Take care of yourself, do not take on more than you can handle, be it work or household chores. This is an important condition. After all, valuing and loving yourself means not deliberately forcing yourself to suffer. For example, if you don’t have time to cook dinner, you can find a replacement in the form of ordered food - fortunately, the modern assortment offers the opportunity to eat as you please. The same applies to other areas of life.
• Limit communication with unpleasant and negative individuals. Communication should bring joy and healthy emotions. First, people communicate with those who put them down, and then they ask: “Why don’t I love myself?” When a person communicates with someone who does not value him, it does not bring him much joy. Therefore, such ties must be severed.
• The ability to rest and relax. Work and fulfilling your duties are important, but do not forget that the body and psyche also need restoration.
• Enjoy life, be in the moment - here and now. A person who does not love himself often immerses himself in depressive state. He seems to be close to other people, but his consciousness wanders somewhere far away. In order not to have your head in the clouds (in the negative sense of this expression), you need to notice what the present moment offers. To do this, you should deliberately shift your focus to the “here and now.”
• Enjoy the little things. You need to notice something good every day. This allows you to develop a healing sense of gratitude, a sense of fullness of being and contentment with life.

A person who loves himself is one who can do anything. And he will undoubtedly achieve everything he dreams of.

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, Elena!

In your letter, you began a story about yourself from your kindergarten and school days. And this is no coincidence. You intuitively correctly feel that your current problems are rooted in childhood and are associated with the characteristics of your upbringing, the characteristics of your environment, and various events of childhood and adolescence.
It can be assumed that your parents had high expectations for you. If you coped with the assigned tasks, you were praised, if not, they made it clear that you were bad. And your self-esteem depended entirely on your parents' assessment. You were constantly on the swing between “insignificance” and “superiority”.
But whatever your childhood, your upbringing, the whole point is that now you continue to torment yourself. You evaluate yourself from the same positions you came to in childhood. Thus, now you yourself have inflated demands on yourself.

Let's look at the situation you write about: “during performances my head was shaking (I feel the tension then flowing through
neck and goes to the head).” What exactly is happening to you at this moment?
You have high demands on yourself; accordingly, you believe that the performance must go perfectly, that in no case should there be a failure or error. This is very important for you, because since childhood you have absorbed the formula “You coped with the task - well done!” If you couldn’t cope, you’re a nonentity!” In this case, you simply do not give yourself the right to make a mistake, to the possibility that the performance may be average, ordinary, like everyone else’s. “Either I’ll perform great, better than everyone else, or I’ll be a failure.” With this line of thinking, tension increases, and the symptoms you write about appear.
Therefore, you need to learn to love yourself not only when you feel infallible, when everything works out, but also when you, like all people, make mistakes, when you are not perfect. Allow yourself the right to make mistakes!

The next step on the path to self-love may be your understanding that you are no better or worse than other people. You considered your peers stupid and ridiculous, you always (these are your words) had your own point of view and felt separate from others.
With this attitude, you will inevitably become separated and distant from other people. Here I want to remind you of such a phenomenon as pride. It is not for nothing that in religion it is considered a mortal sin. Even if you are not a believer, you cannot deny the experience of humanity, which is reflected in religious and philosophical views. Think about it. Start respecting, loving and accepting other people for who they are. And not only close ones, but also few acquaintances.
Do this exercise regularly: choose any stranger in a crowd on the street or in a store, think about how he lives, what he is happy about, what he is upset about. Think about the fact that there are probably things in his life that he is good at, a professional, and that there are probably things that he is not good at, that he is unable to do, but despite this, feel warm and respectful towards him. Think that we are all human, we can all make mistakes, we can sometimes be stupid, sometimes ridiculous. This is fine. Life is very multifaceted, it is not only black and white.

So, now you know that no one is immune from mistakes: everyone lives with it, making mistakes, falling and rising again, accepting and loving themselves and others.
You need to learn to love yourself as you are, without listening to anyone: your husband, your parents, those around you and... your inner voice, including! Just love and that's it. Love unconditionally. I understand that you have been learning not to love yourself your whole life, and therefore it is very difficult to learn to love yourself in one moment, just by reading this letter. Therefore, work on yourself. Be prepared for the fact that this work will take more than one day.
And I also advise you to seek help from a psychologist if necessary. You wrote that there are no psychologists in your city, but in this case you can apply for psychological help via Skype, to those specialists who provide similar services. You can write, for example, to me or to another psychologist who will inspire your trust.

The main thing is not to drive yourself into a corner, you can get help.

And start loving yourself right now!