What to do if you stop loving your husband. Will he endure it - will he fall in love? The right to divorce: opinions of psychologists

There is probably not a single wife who has not at least once thought, “Oh! It seems I don’t love my husband anymore...” Some couples break up at this moment of crisis, some continue to be spouses and even feel love again!

Therefore, the site “Beautiful and Successful” is ready to help with advice to those women for whom the thought creeps into their heads: “Have I really stopped loving my husband? What to do?.."

• Firstly, there is no need to scold yourself, blame yourself and be tormented by your conscience - “How can this be, this is my legal spouse, I should love him! Obliged!!! Otherwise, I’m a bad wife and in general I’m not playing my feminine role correctly...”

You are not to blame for anything, no matter what feelings and emotions you experience! No circumstances can force a person to love someone if there is no love in the heart.

And a false portrayal of love obviously will not bring happiness in marriage...

• Secondly, you need to understand that the thoughts “I don’t love my husband more” are almost inevitable at different stages of a relationship. Long-term relationships cannot be idyllically smooth and the same throughout; everyone has crises and “rebirths” if they are successfully overcome.

- disappearance of euphoric emotional love, getting used to each other, the appearance of children and other circumstances. Relationships change, both you and your spouse change. By the way, why often, “Beautiful and Successful” has already been told!

Love, true and long-lasting, is comparable to a volcano - it either erupts or “falls asleep” until a new burst of activity...

Of course, the site “Beautiful and Successful” does not recommend breaking up a marriage with every “storm,” but it’s worth delving into yourself and your feelings. To understand whether to direct efforts to make love shine with new strength, or really break up and not waste time and energy on painful, unpromising relationships...

How to check yourself - do I really not love my husband anymore?

At a certain moment it may seem: the relationship has changed - that means something went wrong, not for real, and the feelings go away!

Tired of preparing delicious dinners, instead of passionate sex he wants to sleep an extra couple of hours, the TV he watches is annoying, and he doesn’t help much around the house, with the children, he hung the wallpaper crookedly, his mother is fed up with her weekly visits...

As a result, the same thought “I don’t love my husband anymore. If it weren’t for him, now it would be simpler, better, easier, perhaps everything would have gone differently with another man. Once upon a time, all this did not bother me, but now it irritates me - I stopped loving my husband! What should I do, I want something different from life and my man...”

This is a crisis family life. You need to understand that:

1. The best alternative that supposedly exists or was – it is or has always been. You can always think that if I hadn’t been “cheap” with my Vasya, then Johnny Depp would have wooed me... But the existence of “Johnny Depps” in the world does not mean that love and happiness are impossible with “Vasya”. It’s better to start thinking with this postulate: “I married Vasya for love, but now I’m not satisfied with the TV, my mother-in-law, the wallpaper (what else is there?..). Is it possible to somehow change the situation so that it stops annoying me?”
2. You don’t like the circumstances of your life - this does not always mean that you have stopped loving your husband. Washing and cooking, for example, are not a pleasant hobby for all women. Another thing is how much do you want to do all these not the most interesting things just for this man?

What questions do you need to ask yourself to understand how you feel about your spouse, and is it worth fighting for your marriage?

• Do I imagine myself being happy with my husband in other circumstances (for example, in larger apartment, if you have a housekeeper, what if you both earned more if you had children/didn’t have children)? Imagine different situations.
• I know exactly what needs to be done to make my husband happier and the relationship stronger, but it requires effort, work on myself... For example, finally start cooking dumplings for dinner, look good even at home, stop nagging, hysterical, whining etc., diversify intimate life... Do I want to do this and why am I not doing it now?
• I know for sure what my husband doesn’t like about me, what irritates him in the relationship. Do I want to change this in myself and why haven’t I changed it yet?
• Is there something about my husband that I fundamentally do not accept in men (or in people in general), that I will never come to terms with, even if I outwardly stop showing my attitude towards it? For example, your husband is lazy, sloppy, rude, stupid... Be honest with yourself. Everyone falls in love at least a little pink glasses“, and people change over time - if nothing embarrassed you about this man N years ago, this does not mean that unacceptable moments will not appear (or will not appear) ever. And it’s very difficult to love a person if you regularly think: “Oh God, this scarecrow has done something stupid again!..”.
• What if I feel relief and a “stone has fallen”, or will I be unhappy? Only honestly?
• If there is an option to arrange our life in such a way that I would be happy with everything, but my husband would probably not be particularly happy - would I do it? For example, to have a child if you want, but your husband is not ready yet, or to quit his job and let him earn for two, etc.

I think you have already guessed what answers to each of these questions indicate that you no longer love your husband.

What to do if you stop loving your husband?

In general, the answer seems obvious and not discussed. Indeed, why waste years on something you no longer need, on a relationship that has outlived its usefulness?

But... There are many examples from life when a marriage functions quite successfully without much love - on friendship, trust, mutual understanding, “domestic compatibility”...

If it seems to you that this is your case - you are comfortable with your husband, you do not want to be alone and start some other relationship - then why not? This, of course, is not the option - “he’s a bastard and a bastard, I gave him all my youth, but who needs me anymore”!

The second aspect - does your husband love you?

This may seem cynical to some, but it happens in life - women rarely leave the men who love them, even if it is no longer particularly mutual... A man, if he is intelligent, understands perfectly well how his wife treats him. If he still loves and demonstrates his love, knowing that he does not receive the same attitude towards himself, then this is his conscious choice.

You are not deceiving anyone and are not forcibly holding anyone back - so why not move on with your life if for both of you this is a “lesser evil” than parting?
--
Author – Dasha Blinova, website www.site – Beautiful and Successful

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Many men, after several happy years of marriage, face a problem. Their relationship with their significant other begins to deteriorate. The girl gradually begins to grow cold towards her former beloved man. If your wife stops loving you, what should you do? Practical advice search below.

Find the reason

Any effect always has a cause. If your wife stops loving you, what should you do? You need to understand why the woman reconsidered her attitude towards you. Think about what's in Lately has changed in your relationship. Girls always subtly hint at what doesn't suit them. But the problem with many women is that they speak in hints, and men do not understand veiled phrases. A loving husband must remember everything his wife has said over the past few months. What did the woman hint about, what phrases popped up most often in her speech?

Did the lady complain that she was tired of the monotony, or did the girl whine about the fact that you don’t go anywhere together? It's time to change the situation. And the first thing a guy should do is give his wife feedback. The girl must understand that her husband finally got the hints she was making. for a long time. Did the lady complain about the lack of social events? Invite your loved one to go to a concert. Is the girl tired of the monotony? Invite your wife to go on a weekend trip to

If your wife stops loving you, what should you do? The psychologist's advice will be as follows. Take a closer look at the changes that have occurred in your wife's life. The reason for a damaged relationship may not be you, but the girl herself. The wife's interests and preferences may have changed. If you do this in time, you can get into trouble. Take an interest in the lady’s life so that you don’t end up in awkward situations later.

Straight Talk

You can't understand the subtle hints that a woman constantly makes? Then you need to act directly. What to do if your wife says she has fallen out of love? Only a frank conversation can save the situation. Talk to your lover and ask about what doesn't suit her. Don't interrupt the girl, let her speak. A lady can tell you a lot that you don't even know about. For example, that the romance in a relationship has long evaporated, that you have become inattentive and have not been at home at all lately. Listen to all the reproaches, or better yet, write everything down on paper. If you care about a woman, promise her to change. Say that you will fix everything that the lady doesn’t like. But since the changes will take a long time, she will have to endure a little. Promise that you will remove one of your shortcomings per week. As a result, within a few months you can become the ideal prince for your beauty.

Do you like to listen to other people's advice on what to do if your wife stops loving her husband? You need to understand that there is no universal elixir of love. And the methods of winning women’s hearts are also different. For some, it is enough to receive flowers for their birthday, while others want to spend all their free time with their loved ones. Therefore, talk with a loved one, find out the reasons for the person’s dissatisfaction and try to evaluate their adequacy. Remember that you should not promise your beloved something that you do not intend to fulfill. This will only upset the girl more. Therefore, immediately assess your strengths and do not start the road to winning a lady’s heart with lies.

More romance

What do girls like? They like to listen to declarations of love and affirm their inimitability. Has your wife stopped loving you? What should a man do in such a situation? Remember about romance, which dies in marriage if it is not supported. What's the problem with most long-term relationships? Ordinary life absorbs people, and they no longer surprise each other with gifts, make surprises and do not try to please their other half. Having established themselves in love, people stop trying. Ordinary life kills feelings. You need to bring newness to the relationship. Surprise your beloved. Bring your girlfriend flowers for no reason, ask your wife out on dates and prepare romantic dinners. Such a good attitude will not go unnoticed. The woman will appreciate your efforts and will soften. But you must remember that romantic deeds for the sake of your beloved should be done regularly, and not from time to time. Otherwise, the melted ice will harden again.

You and your wife have a cold relationship, what should you do? You have a child, but your wife has stopped loving you and spends all her time caring for the baby? You don't need to be jealous of a woman's child. It’s better to try to integrate into a woman’s life and bring romance into everyday life. For example, after the woman puts the baby to bed, run a bath with foam and rose petals and invite your wife to relax after a hard day.

Become indispensable to a woman

How to return your wife to the family if she stopped loving and moved to live with her mother? If a woman has not found a new lover, you still have time to win her heart again. Try to become indispensable to a girl. Help the lady solve her problems, often come to visit your mother-in-law and help the elderly woman. There is no need to become a servant for a lady. Have self-respect. You need to understand the fine line that runs between reasonable help and servility. Help when the woman needs you. But you shouldn’t take your wife to the store if you can walk to it in 5 minutes.

A man must achieve to become an indispensable part of a woman’s life. You need to surround the lady with care so that she cannot do without your help. For example, it is you who must take upon yourself to pay all bills for the apartment and joint loans. A lady should be frightened by all matters that involve paperwork. If a woman understands that she cannot do without her husband, she will forgive the man everything and return to him. Then the young man will no longer be tormented by the question of what to do if his wife stops loving her husband, and how to save the family. But remember that if you often let a woman down and give her reasons to be offended, the lady will still be able to take on all the difficulties that you previously solved. So remember that similar method reviving love in the heart of the spouse will only work a few times.

Try to spend more time together

Have you found yourself in a difficult situation due to your own stupidity? Is your missus not paying attention to you? What to do if your beloved wife has fallen out of love? A man must rehabilitate himself in the eyes of a woman and spend more time with his wife. Change your priorities. If you want to save your marriage, then you will temporarily have to put work in second place. Go to the cinema with your wife, take your girlfriend to social events. If there is a child in the family, then you need to ask the parents to take him with them at least several times a week.

Your wife must understand that she is loved and desired. And a man must not forget to prove this to her. Shoot for the weekend country cottages, go to the river or to the forest with tents. Go to resorts or travel abroad. Whatever your family's budget, there is always the opportunity to find a way to have a good and productive vacation with your significant other. But don't limit yourself to just the weekend. Show your feelings in the middle of the week. Return early from work, cook dinner for your wife and invite her to watch her favorite movie together. The more people communicate, the more trusting their relationships develop, and love lives only where there is trust.

Compliment a woman

Girls love with their ears. They constantly need confirmation of their irresistibility. Give the ladies compliments as often as possible. Any good specialist will give you exactly this advice. wife? You should rehabilitate yourself in the eyes of a woman. A man should show respect to a lady increased attention. In the morning you can tell a lady that she looks amazing, and in the evening you can whisper tender words in the ear of your beloved woman. But don't be too zealous in your confessions. Nobody likes obsessiveness either. Dose your tenderness. It must be appropriate. If a lady is going to an event that is important to her, do not forget to wish her good luck; if you are dropping a girl off somewhere, then do not forget to kiss your beloved goodbye, and also say that you missed the girl when you pick her up. Such sweet words always find a response in women's hearts. If you remember all the important dates for a girl, you will also grow in the eyes of the lady. Therefore, set reminders in your calendar that will notify you in advance of all important events.

Spend more time at home

Men love to spend their free time with friends or in clubs of similar interests. And if a guy and his beloved do not have common points of contact, then the time people spend together will be reduced to the night. As a result, the young man will ask the question: “If my wife stops loving me, what should I do?” A man should spend more time at home rather than with friends. Yes, friends should not be deprived of your attention, but still your wife should be in the foreground.

If you and your beloved have nothing to do except watch TV, then start a joint hobby. What could it be? Dancing, studying foreign languages, yoga classes or Board games. It doesn’t matter which form of entertainment appeals to you the most, the main thing is that this activity unites you. Then you will be able to reveal the personality of your loved one and begin to occupy an even larger part in her life. A husband and wife should first of all be support and support for each other, and only then good lovers. Relationships are built on long conversations and shared memories. Undoubtedly, sex plays an important role in life, but still not the main one.

Help the woman with housework

A man must remember that a woman is not a housewife, but a lover. What to do if your wife says she has fallen out of love? A man should help a woman feel desired. And in order for the lady to have enough time for herself, the guy can put some of the household chores on his shoulders. For example, on the way from work, a husband can buy groceries or wash the dishes after dinner. Finding things in which a man will be useful to his wife is not so difficult. You just have to ask the girl about how to help her. A lady can quickly find a job for her husband. A man who wants to revive love in a woman’s heart must provide services to his beloved not from time to time, but on an ongoing basis. By making life easier for the woman he loves, a man wins her heart. After all, support and help for a woman are one of the indicators of love. Not all ladies trust words. But all women, without exception, believe in their actions.

Be jealous of a woman

Ladies love romance and romantic films. Have you noticed that your wife has stopped loving you? What to do, how to get a woman back? A man should begin to be theatrically jealous of his beloved. No matter how strange it may sound, women like this behavior. They are pleased to see that a man does not want to let them go and strives with all his might to keep them near him. Therefore, do not be afraid to overdo it if you show jealousy not all the time, but only from time to time. The woman will be surprised by her husband’s behavior, which was not typical for him before. But the surprise will be pleasant. The lady will think that if the husband hid his jealousy for so long, then he still has something to surprise the woman with. The lady will stay with the man at least for the sake of interest, to see what else the husband can surprise with. And here the man must justify the woman’s hopes. Prove your love Beautiful gestures will help not only keep a woman, but also revive fading love.

Call your wife more often

Women love flowers for no reason and they like to hear the phrase from their husband that the man misses him. What to do if your wife falls out of love? Psychologists advise men to show tenderness to a woman not only in person, but also over the phone. You can call the lady at lunch break and make joint plans for the evening or arrange a meeting after work. Just call, saying that you miss you and are looking forward to the woman at home. Don't forget to send text messages to the girl with declarations of love. Such short messages may surprise a girl, but believe me, such a confession will definitely bring a smile to the lips of any lady. You can use it to communicate with a lady social media. Leave your wife voice messages or send funny stickers. After all, when a lady goes on social networks, she wants to see new messages, and you will help meet her expectations.

Or maybe a divorce?

Are you having trouble establishing a normal relationship with a woman? If your wife stops loving you, what should you do? Advice from psychologists will not always please a man. If the feelings have faded and all the above methods do not work, then you need to break up. Divorcing a lady who no longer feels anything for you is not a very sad thing. After all, it’s worse to live with a woman and understand that you love without reciprocity. But if the lady lost interest in you, and you did not make any attempts to revive your feelings in time, it means that you did not really want to save the marriage. There is no point in crying over something that died long ago. Therefore, do not be sad about lost love.

But don't try to find comfort in the first open arms you can find. Try to get over your divorce, understand your mistakes and move on, thanking the woman for the experience she gave you. And don’t be offended by the person you love. Remember that in any breakup there are two people to blame. And your fault for the divorce is no less than your wife’s. Stay with ex-lover friends are not worth it. Such relationships will burden you. Don't take it to new life old relationship.

Masha Kovalchuk

00:00 5.11.2015

What is this: another crisis or a love boat wrecked and beyond repair? What to do if one day such a thought creeps into your head? How to live further? Psychologist Lesya Kovalchuk helped to understand this issue.

Fairy tales often end with the phrase: “And they lived happily ever after.” And not a single one describes in detail what exactly happened after the prince took the princess away on a white horse. Princess, how was your life really? Has your prince turned over the years into a tyrant or a drunken king from another fairy tale, and you into an evil queen? Did you continue to love each other or just pretended to? Has the thought ever occurred to you that your old feelings for your husband have faded away, and that the knight-neighbor is doing very well? Did you say to him in the heat of a quarrel: “That’s it, I’m divorcing you! I’m taking away half the kingdom and good-bye!”

After conducting a small survey among friends and on forums, I found out this. The phrase “I stopped loving my husband” is said (aloud or mentally) on several occasions. The first is when, despite all the external well-being, boredom sets in. Your wings are safely packed and collecting dust somewhere on the mezzanine, butterflies have not fluttered in your stomach for a long time, yesterday is similar to today, tomorrow will be the same. The second is when some event, action or series of actions occurred, which one of the parties cannot forgive the other.

Not everyone can slam the door, pack their things, put the children in a minivan and drive off to a happy future, as happens in American films. How many love boats have crashed into everyday life? More precisely, because of disagreements over whose turn it is to walk the dog and who should take out the trash? And there is a fourth case: when it seems that a new, freshly met man is love for life.

I've been married for 13 years. Or 14? I do not remember. For some reason, the thought of Francois La Rochefoucauld seems sensible and close to me: “There are successful marriages, but there are no delightful marriages.”

And I’ll add on my own behalf: there was no corrosive editor (preferably with the habits of a censor) for the one who came up with the myth of the only eternal love and soul mate. Our sister got herself into a lot of trouble because of this. Will explain. The nameless author should have been given the right to make mistakes in the search - they say, she is not alone, there are many of them - some are more your half, some less. And, most importantly, expand the concept: tell that the love of two changes over the years, moving to another stage.

This does not mean at all that it no longer exists. She is also growing up. But passion really only lasts three years - and there is a scientific explanation for this: it’s all about hormones. We are accustomed to thinking that if we fall in love for real, it is forever, the feelings will be as bright as in the first months and years. This is wrong. In the marriage equation, love is a variable, not a constant...

Story 1

Lyudmila, 24 years old

He is my first love

I know firsthand that there is love at first sight - that’s exactly what happened to me. We made eye contact while standing in line with documents at the admissions office, and his gaze seemed to light a fire somewhere inside me. I don’t remember the moment we met - everything happened somehow by itself - by the evening I was sitting in their dorm room, singing songs with a guitar. The first kiss happened on the first day we met, and the first sex happened the next day. In the morning I looked out the window and saw a huge inscription on the asphalt: “Luda, I love you!” It was like a carousel spun us around. The hardest thing was to leave in the evening: he had to leave his hostel before 21.00.

Spending the whole night together seemed impossible, an unthinkable luxury. And one day Volodya suggested: let’s get married, they give it to families separate room... The next day we submitted an application to the registry office - exactly a month has passed since we met. I did not have wedding dress, he has a suit. There were our cheerful friends who gave us a tent and tickets to Crimea. My parents were shocked when I, an eighteen-year-old freshman, showed them my stamped passport and announced that “a” - I was now married (by the way, meet Volodya) and “b” - I was leaving to live with my legal spouse. To the hostel. Of course, mom grabbed her heart, dad grabbed valerian, and all together - for me...

My parents were greatly offended by the fact of my marriage; they cut off all financial income and stopped communicating with me. Volodya’s parents helped us - either they would hand over a bag of potatoes, or a can of lard. Volodya, in order to somehow feed the two of us, unloaded the cars at night. Sometimes we had nothing to eat, but we were indecently, carelessly happy... Until I got pregnant, having mixed up something with safe days. We saved on condoms. The question arose: what to do next. Give birth to? I really wanted this. Only Volodya reacted differently to my pregnancy. He said that it was not time, we needed to get back on our feet, then... We didn’t even have money for a good doctor - I had an abortion at a student clinic, complications began. In a word, it became painful for me to have sex. This fact made Volodya very nervous, but I was offended to the point of tears. Over time, the resentment more or less smoothed over, and relations seemed to improve. We graduated from university with grief in half, my parents, having come to terms with the fact of my marriage, bought us an apartment - it would seem that everything we needed for happiness.

We both got jobs, improved our lives, and even got a cat and a cactus. As for the child, Volodya is still adamant: “Here, let’s buy a bigger apartment, the child won’t fit in a one-room apartment, we need to earn money for the child while we pursue a career.” Yes, we didn’t go through such difficulties with him, but he seems to have already forgotten it. And it’s good that he cut off his wonderful long hair and started wearing a suit. It seems to me that the Vovka I loved is no more. The one who could buy me a bouquet of flowers with his last money, and then walk across the whole city after seeing me off. The one who picked my roses with his bare hands right in the flowerbed near the city council, and then ran away from the police.

The romance disappeared from our relationship, I forgot the last time they gave me flowers. In the evenings, my husband sits late at the computer, disappears all day at work, and sometimes I cry into my pillow, I’m so sorry for what happened five years ago - that crazy, bright feeling that we seem to have lost... And yesterday I was for the first time Once in my life I pretended that I had a headache.

Psychologist Lesya Kovalchuk comments:

From Goethe: “Feelings do not deceive, but judgments based on them do.” Lyudmila fell in love for the first time in her life. The result was absolutely predictable - the feeling of falling in love disappeared after some time, and was replaced by a state of attachment. Over the years, grievances accumulated and everyday situations piled up. The result is that she does not feel her partner as much as in her early youth. The family came to its first serious crisis. And a crisis is the moment when a couple begins to realize and evaluate their relationship. For the first time, they can sit down and discuss frankly what has been happening between them all this time and is happening now - without claims, accusations, and build a constructive dialogue.

For young people, a specialist would be a good help - a couple who does not yet have positive experience in solving problems, probably may not be able to cope with this, and will slide into insults, accusations, claims - a banal scandal and a decision on divorce.

The family of Volodya and Lyudmila has prospects. But in order to develop them, you need to look at the current situation soberly, through the eyes of people who, perhaps, still retain a feeling for each other - no longer in love, but love. And love is a serious basis for starting over. Their relationship can be very constructive - they can agree on how they would like to show each other feelings. True, for this Lyudmila needs to understand herself. How would she like her husband to show her love and care? How will she understand that the other is showing these feelings? You need to understand this for yourself, and then entrust this intimate secret to the person with whom she wants to continue the relationship.

Story 2

Zoryana, 33 years old

Married my childhood friend

Dima, my husband, is my mother's son close friend, we grew up in the same sandbox, lived next door. As long as I can remember, my mother always set him as an example: look how he helps his mother around the house, look how he takes care of his younger sister, look how he studies with straight A's! At that time I didn’t even perceive Dima as a potential gentleman, he was very “correct” and reasonable - to the point of being boring. He was mine best friend. He could always fix what was broken, help move the sofa, help hang wallpaper. In a word, you could always count on him.

And my mother continued: take a closer look, the guy is from a good family, reliable, well-mannered, already helping his father well in business, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke. And Aunt Galya, his mother kept complaining - they say Dima doesn’t have a girlfriend, he’s still waiting... Probably for you! In short, our mothers tried their best to make us happy. I was friends with the older guys; they had a band that played at weddings and in restaurants.

I liked Andrei - the guy had already returned from the army, for me, a tenth-grader, he seemed like an adult. He was so different from my peers! Andrei was going to organize his own group and go to the capital and, of course, become famous. They said all sorts of things about him - that he dabbled in weed, for example, that he had been treated for bad diseases more than once, that he joined the army so as not to go to prison. These rumors didn't bother me much. There were always many women around him - a handsome, black-haired, broad-shouldered man leather jacket, on his own brand new motorcycle he enjoyed wild success. I don’t even know why he paid attention to me. One day I was sitting with my girlfriends in a cafe where they played in the evenings, he took the microphone and said: “I want to dedicate this song to the beautiful girl who is present here.” He sang, looking at me - it was Mishel Beatles: "I love you, I love you, I love you!"

I kissed him first. We dated for a whole week, however, things didn’t go beyond kissing. I went to enroll, but didn’t get enough points, so I had to go to extramural. It even made me happy - I could be with him. But while I was going to enroll, he was seen every day with a girl, the daughter of a local tycoon. Everything turned out to be true. He was going to get married...

On my birthday, Dima came with roses and champagne, we sat on a bench at the entrance for a long time, talking. I felt so good next to him - then I finally realized that this was exactly the kind of person I needed. Suddenly I looked at him with completely different eyes. A year later I became his wife. Ten years passed smoothly and quietly. We never even quarreled. Dima built a house and expanded his parents' business. We have two children of the same age. I feel calm and safe with him. I felt this especially clearly when he was busy with the children, when he picked them up on weekends so that I could sleep longer, when he sat over me for several days, when I was hospitalized with appendicitis, when he insisted that I quit my low-paying job and took care of the house and children. But we have nothing to talk about - except for everyday life and children, of course...

Sometimes we sit by the fireplace and remain silent all evening. I always know what he will say on this or that occasion, I know how he will act. He is an open book for me, we have known each other for too long. Recently Andrey came to my page on the Internet. We started talking. We talk about books and films. This has been happening for a month now. He said that he had recently divorced his wife and that marrying her was a mistake. It was as if I woke up, woke up from a dream, and remembered my 17 years. He wrote to me tonight: “And if something is pressing on one’s soul, at night, in silence, at the fiery line of the burning star of its last flight, imagine a world where you and I will be...” They say that old love does not rust. I don't know what to do next.

Psychologist's comment:

The conditions under which the relationship of this couple began to develop were, to put it mildly, not in Zoryana’s favor. Firstly, the mothers influenced her - this was during the teenage period of denial, and secondly, during this period a brighter personality arose who did not treat her feelings very well.

He and Dima have a deep feeling and very great prospects. Actually the one bright world which she finds in virtual communication with Andrey, she can find in her family, with Dima.
She is used to taking advantage of the opportunities and services that he provides her, and not giving anything in return, not working on relationships, on herself. She needs to be more courageous, spontaneous and, like any man, he will respond to feelings directed towards him. After all, it is the woman who offers the man a relationship scenario.

There are four spaces on which a couple’s relationship stands—let’s call them “whales.” The first is what each of them brought from his family, from his clan. The second is their past partners. The third is what was and is between them. Their sex, their children, their shared history. But there is a fourth one, only it gives the couple the opportunity to develop their relationship.

This is what moves them forward, something that captivates the two of them. And if this is not the case, after some time the couple begins to boil in its own juice. Traveling, chess, photography, floriculture, house construction, general business- here are the options for organizing this space. In a word, Zoryana needs to figure out something to get carried away with herself and to captivate her husband. And if she has set her sights on a new relationship, understand what consequences this will have for her.

Is she ready to answer for them to herself, to her children, to Dima, who trusts her? If not, you need to think about what can be changed. For this she has all the resources and capabilities. And, by the way, there is no guarantee that under favorable circumstances with Andrey, he will not become the same bore, and everything will not repeat the same scenario.

Story 3

Vita, 40 years old

Holiday romance ended in marriage

Anton and I met on vacation in Turkey. This was my first trip abroad - my dad gave me a trip for my 25th birthday. Anton sat down with me at breakfast - it turned out that we were from the same city and he was also here alone. “A nice man,” I thought. “Why not, after all, a holiday romance does not oblige you to anything.” In the evening we danced at a disco, at night I was in his room. This continued for ten days. I was flying out a day early and decided not to have farewells - why? Holiday romances don't have sequels. Although, I won’t lie, I fell in love until I lost my pulse. I don't know how, but he found me. And I realized that I had met better man In my life. I couldn’t believe that all this was happening to me. We had the most beautiful wedding in the city!

...They attacked him, he was forced to give up his business and leave for the capital. According to him, he decided to earn extra money and return in due course, but there was no talk of us and the children moving. They say children should live at home, not in rented apartment, and communicate with grandparents, and not with the nanny. He told me that with my qualifications, I couldn’t find a job in Kyiv. (I am an accountant.)

We have been living in different cities for five years. Anton worked first in Kyiv, then went to Kazakhstan, and returned to the capital again. We have a long distance marriage. And is this a marriage? At first Anton came every month, then less and less. The last time I saw him was six months ago. True, he sends money regularly... At first I was terribly bored, I called him every evening, talked for an hour or two. And now... Recently, when he didn’t come to New Year, I thought that maybe it was for the better. After putting the children to bed, I took out our family album, looked at the photographs for a long time, and remembered. And then I said to myself: I don’t love him anymore. I got used to living without him. Thoughts about him no longer cause either joy or pain - everything has come to naught. And I don’t know if he came back now, whether we would have a chance to fix everything. In five years we have become strangers. It is possible, and quite likely, that he has another woman.

Three years ago I decided to surprise him - I arrived unannounced and called from the station. He was very angry, although he tried not to show it. But I understood everything from the voice. He arrived two hours later and took me to some room, which, according to him, he was renting. But there were practically no of his things there... My sister says that my option is not the worst. They say that many not only drink, but also beat people, not to mention the fact that they don’t really earn money. Anton loves children and provides for us well. But I’m only 40, I want to be loved, I don’t want to become a nun and grow old alone...

Psychologist's comment:

“A holiday romance does not oblige you to anything” - this is exactly how the heroine reacted to her relationship with a man. An irresponsible position... She gave a command to both herself and this relationship. It seems that her man completely agreed with her attitude and began to live up to it. In fact, the futility of a holiday romance is a stereotype...

When their already established family faced the first serious test, they had to work together to find a way out of this situation. Love is the relationship of equal to equal. And if one decides for the other, this upsets the balance or hides deception.

Vita is not used to building a script own life- she lives as they offer her. She went on vacation because her dad bought a ticket, got married because her future husband found her, lived for 15 years under the dictation of her husband, because it was convenient. When she took a serious step - she came to him and realized that she was not welcome, this should have stimulated her to action. But for three years she did nothing.

Perhaps because she has a psychological attitude dictated family scenario- her relationship with a man does not imply depth and responsibility. It didn't seem like she was very interested in how he felt after losing his business, how he made money, where he got the money to regularly send to her and the children.

The prognosis for the relationship between Vita and Anton, alas, is unfavorable. She needs to work on her attitudes. Ask yourself: were I satisfied with my past relationships? What kind of relationship do I want? What can I do about this today? And to answer these questions, you need to at least just start thinking about it! After all, Vita has every chance to start a new life and be happy.

Why does love fail?

Psychologists name several reasons why the marriage of loving people does not work out.

• Error in choosing a partner. More often it occurs when the partners are very young. At the same time, lovers are driven by passion, and not by the conscious choice of a person with similar ideas about life values. It may turn out that the principles are simply incompatible. For example, a husband believes that his wife’s place is in the kitchen, and the wife is going to pursue a career. Or the wife hopes for a partnership that all concerns will be shared equally. The husband is sure that he is the head of the family, period. Irritation accumulates, and the result is that literally everything about the partner makes him angry and tense - the way he dresses, sneezes, snores. The list goes on and on.

Worth reading: books “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Champion, “A Love Story” by D. Gray.

• Emotional immaturity. What reasons dominated the marriage? Is love and the desire to take responsibility for another really true? Often the reasons are different: an attempt to escape from the family, pay off debts, live separately, get legal sex, get rid of loneliness. The honeymoon is always followed by everyday life - everyday problems will have to be solved and decisions made every day. But it’s not so easy to give up your premarital habits, it’s not easy to put up with your partner’s habits, you don’t have enough patience and tolerance. AND loving people They don’t want to understand and forgive each other, causing pain. At this stage, one (or both) asks themselves the questions: “What should I do?”, “Do I need this person?”, “What will I have to give up in order to be with him?”, “What about him?” Not everyone is looking for answers. After all, it’s easier to declare marriage and meeting this person a mistake. After all, new love is probably ahead. But there is a high risk that it will develop according to the old scenario.

Worth watching: films “On the Other Side of the Bed”, “For Family Reasons”, “Vanity of Vanities”.

• A crisis. Strictly speaking, crises are inherent in the family model from the very beginning - these are developmental crises. The first year of family life, the birth of the first and second child, adolescence, children leaving the family. Psychologists call the remaining reasons “stressors” - all kinds of trials that life throws at the family. Loss of a job, career growth of one of the spouses, etc. A crisis due to stressors - most often a crisis of communication, misunderstanding - approximately 80% of cases. If the problem is not solved, loving people do not look for compromise and ways to reach each other, the crisis turns into a sluggish state - an aggravation will inevitably come, the cup will overflow.
• It's time to remember the two basic human instincts: self-preservation (basic) and procreation (sexual). If you don’t feel calm with this person (you are traumatized, suppressed and consumed), spiritual closeness, admiration for your partner, and respect for him disappear. And there may be no sex at all - you are busy defending yourself. But roses do not grow in a theater of war.

Worth watching: The Rose Wars, Eyes Wide Shut.

Should I leave or stay?

Does your marriage have a chance? Is this the end or a deep crisis that can still be overcome? It will be easier for you to understand this by honestly answering the following questions to yourself.

1. What feelings did you have for this man at the very beginning of your romance? Right when everything was just beginning. What brought you together? This question is necessary to understand what motive motivated you when you started this relationship, created it.
2. What did you like most about your chosen one? How did he win you over? Masculinity, care, gentleness, intelligence, generosity... When people doubt whether to stay together or not, moving to this point, they begin to list the data that they responded to in their chosen one, and it is very difficult to refuse them, forget about it, cross out . This is what was important to you and remains important! And these qualities remained in him! But it was they who attracted you to him, you reacted to them as a woman. By the way, the set of qualities by which a woman evaluates a man practically does not change throughout her life.
3. What good things have you lived (not acquired!) together during your marriage? List all the good things you experienced in your marriage with this man. When we think about whether the marriage is over or not, whether to continue or not to continue the relationship, the first thing that very often comes up is the bad - grievances, omissions... This is how our brain works - we remember the bad better. We need to reconfigure it, focusing on the good: we went on a trip, brought the child home from the hospital, took him to first grade, built a house together, bought a car and experienced enchanting emotions when we drove it home. You need to remember these events in detail.
4. How did this marriage influence the development of my personality? For example, you became more beautiful, maybe thanks to this person, this relationship, you opened up as a woman, or became more economical, or started to cook well, or learned such an important quality as patience... this is important! You need to realize all the positive things that this relationship has brought you. It is on him that you can rely in future relationships - with this or another person. Find something to say thank you to your partner for.
5. What do you imagine your family like in five, ten, fifteen, twenty years? This is very important for a couple who doubts the prospects of a relationship - imagine, draw a picture of the future, when you grow old together, when children leave home. What will your life be like: home, interests, what you will do, what your life will be like. Immerse yourself in this picture - you will understand a lot.
6. What would you like to add to your relationship? What prevents them from developing? Think about what new things can be brought into the relationship? Maybe you need to listen to each other more, trust each other more. In fact, this question should always be asked to all couples at the moment of crisis, when you have reached a certain point. What do you need to do to get there? What's stopping you? And, if this question is brought to the level of awareness, if you start thinking and talking about it, you will do huge step go ahead, you will have a chance to free yourself from the ballast in your relationship and take it to the next level.
7. What about yourself are you ready to change or overcome in the name of a new relationship with your ex-husband? For example, listen more than talk, notice positive traits in him, praise him more often...

NB! What if that’s all, there’s no point in working on relationships? A simple question will help you understand this: “What emotions does the thought of this person evoke in me?”

A sign of completeness in a relationship is when you feel only gratitude towards him. If there is resentment, anger, melancholy - in a word, both positive and negative emotions, this means that the relationship is not completed.

This means that this is a crisis that can be overcome!

P.S. Breaking, as you know, is not building. Before you destroy anything, think, are you ready to blow up in an hour what you spent years building? Do you have the mental strength to do it again? Only you know what your husband means to you. Was the decision to marry a mistake, are you on the right path now... To understand whether this is another crisis that can be overcome, or whether it is much more serious... You will have to look for the answers yourself.

Photo in text: Shutterstock.com

When a woman realizes that she has fallen out of love with her husband, she is faced with a difficult dilemma: should she get a divorce or save her family. Marriage is often not easy for a woman, because in family feuds it is still customary to blame the wife, while the husband or both spouses are wrong. Feelings can cool down gradually, and then after many years the woman realizes that she was in a hurry and that the person next to her is not her at all. Sometimes love passes in an instant - due to the betrayal of a spouse, violence towards family members or accumulated grievances.

• Show all

  Why does love disappear in marriage?

  Love, unlike falling in love, is a complex feeling that does not arise overnight. Usually, spouses manage to survive many adversities together and learn to understand and accept each other. Only after several years of grinding in love develops into serious attachment. Love does not arise or disappear spontaneously. It turns into hatred or indifference due to traumatic situations.

  How to forgive your husband's cheating

  Treason

  Surviving betrayal is not easy. The pain of betrayal drowns out all feelings and especially reason, but after a breakup it may turn out that the wife still loves her husband.

  Whether to forgive betrayal is up to everyone to decide for themselves. If a wife is able to overcome jealousy and resentment, there is a chance.

  

  Husband is annoying

  Pregnancy

  During the period of bearing a child, the hormonal background. Women do not recognize themselves, because the most harmless thing that happens to them is their tastes in food and musical preferences change.

  Due to hormones during pregnancy, a woman may decide that she does not love her husband and that their marriage was a mistake. In addition, some husbands are not sensitive, which is why romance ends in relationships. Psychologists advise not to cut your teeth and wait until the baby is born.

  If there are no children in the family, then the spouses can only be kept together by common interests, loneliness or boredom.

  

  What to do if your husband has a mistress - advice from a psychologist

  Birth of a child

  The family structure changes the most due to the birth of the first child. A man lacks attention, a woman lacks care and understanding. The mother gives all her love to the baby, which is why she even begins to think that she does not love her husband.

  To survive the crisis, it is advisable to spend more time together, entrusting the child to grandmothers or a nanny.

  A lot of children

  IN big family Where there are two or more children, spouses sometimes feel like they are being driven by horses, because for the well-being of the family they need to work hard. There is no time for showing feelings - I should rest.

  It is on vacation that old love returns. Only it is advisable to spend your vacation not on country beds and in everyday chores, and away from home.

  Influence of relatives

  Caring relatives often cause problems for young people. The mother-in-law is so afraid of losing her son that she interferes with the couple's personal life.

  If the husband turns out to be a weak-willed mama's boy, then only the strong authority of the wife will help resolve the outcome of the confrontation between the two women. In this case, husbands go into the henpecked category. In this situation, love usually disappears along with respect.

  Young families often face problems. Romance fades into the background, relationships become everyday, insipid. Many couples are not ready for everyday life, as they dreamed of an eternal holiday in marriage. The fact that love left after the candy-bouquet period is a delusion. In this case, it simply wasn’t there.

  In some situations, love abruptly gives way to hatred and disgust, especially if the spouse began to use violence, threaten children, be rude and mock his wife.

  When is it worth saving a marriage?

  The opinion that love has passed can be wrong. Because of crises, it may seem that there are no feelings left at all. It’s easy to check: if your husband’s company causes irritation for several months in a row, then the only thing left to do is separate.

  • Husband and wife respect each other.
  • He and she satisfy each other like lovers.
  • Spouses have the same values.
  • Usually, that is, not during quarrels, they support each other.
  • They see the best qualities in their partner.
  • The couple discusses any complex issues directly and freely, even sensitive topics.
  • The spouses are ready to make concessions.
  • They share a sense of humor.
  • Their position on children is the same.

  Love is support, affection, respect and sexual compatibility. Everything else is adjusted as we live together. If you don’t have patience, then success in marriage is very difficult to achieve.

  The right to divorce: opinions of psychologists

  Many people, especially the older generation, consider divorce a shame and an unacceptable thing. For years, people have been taught that self-sacrifice and responsibilities are good, and that personal comfort is sheer selfishness. Because of such attitudes, some women stay in marriage and become unhappy. First, spouses live for the sake of their children, then out of habit, and then because life has passed and it’s too late to change anything.

  Psychologists say that any family person has the right to divorce if the marriage does not bring satisfaction, family life makes you depressed, and the couple does not have mutual understanding and common views. Women who stay married solely for the sake of children risk missing out on their happiness with a person who is truly right for them.

  Advice from psychologists on why you shouldn’t maintain a union because of children:

  • Children acutely feel the tense atmosphere in a family where one or both spouses do not love each other. Children are quite flexible. They will accept the parents' decision if you talk to them on an equal basis, explaining the situation in accessible words.
  • The grown child often does not appreciate the sacrifices of his mother and father. He will prefer divorce to an unhealthy environment in the house and harmonious relationships with both parents.
  • Children adopt the behavior model of adults. If spouses continue to live in an atmosphere of dissatisfaction with each other, lies and pretense, then their adult children will not be able to learn to build healthy relationships with a partner.

  Sometimes it is easier to get a divorce so that everyone can go their own way, maintaining friendly relations if possible, than to continue to live in anger towards each other.

  In the end, temporary cooling towards the second half can be explained by monotony, interference from relatives or fatigue. The couple should spend time just the two of them, remembering the romantic places they visited during their first dates. Then you can take a break so that, for example, everyone can go to visit their parents and think about the situation in a calm atmosphere.

  A woman should think about why it seems (or doesn’t seem) to her that there is no love: because her husband is far from the hero of her novel or he is just annoying and does not live up to expectations. After this, you can decide whether to move on one way or whether everyone should choose their own path.

From a statistical point of view, the situation is not as rare as it might seem at first glance. Over time, passion subsides, habit grows, and husband and wife gradually turn from ardent lovers into close relatives, bound by common obligations and everyday life.

At the same time, the need for romantic impressions and strong emotions does not disappear anywhere. After all, most representatives of the fairer sex associate romantic love with them. Therefore, even if you are married to a reliable and devoted man, you may still have doubts from time to time about whether you have fallen out of love with your husband. How to deal with them, and how to understand whether they are true (after all, this happens), we will try to figure it out in this article.

Oh, these evil thoughts.

Surely you have heard the popular opinion that all our problems come from our heads. And undoubtedly, there is some truth in it. After all, how we perceive the surrounding reality and how we imagine our ideal life depends on the course of our thoughts. Therefore, it may simply seem to you that everything is very bad in your marriage. Whereas in reality anything can happen. And your husband’s love for you can be much deeper and stronger. You're just not always able to notice it or interpret it correctly.

Our perception of what is happening, unfortunately, is not a clearly working mechanism, but rather a completely unregulated system that works intermittently. It is subjective, and is seriously influenced by our deepest beliefs, habitual stereotypes and many other factors.

For example, you can be sure that if there are no emotional clarifications and open manifestations of feelings in a relationship, this should always mean that the woman has fallen out of love.

Psychologists call this collection a cognitive schema. And in simple terms, a cognitive schema is the way you, or more specifically your brain, uses to perceive and process incoming information. That is, this is a certain path that includes the following intermediate points:

• perception is most often selective. Your brain does not process the entire situation and decides on its own what exactly to pay your attention to.
• assessment of what is perceived - based on existing experience.
• emotion - how you experience the information received
• action - based on previous facts, you make a decision about how you will act.

That is, the main part of the scheme is your beliefs. Formed on the basis of past experience, embedded in you by upbringing and genes, imposed by society, and so on. As a result, a cognitive scheme is a kind of short standard thesis in your head that tells you how it should be.

Do you know what your compatibility with a man is?

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According to such schemes, we believe that all men should be breadwinners, women should be modest, and children should be obedient and smart. The weather is certainly good, vacation is on the shores of the warm sea, love is to the grave. And if a woman does not experience intense feelings in family life, it means she has stopped loving her husband. And so on.

It is these cognitive patterns that give rise to obsessive thoughts and doubts about how our lives correspond to our expectations. They prevent you from perceiving it objectively, feeling peace and satisfaction. For example, you are convinced that your husband should meet you from work every evening. Regardless of the circumstances. If reality doesn't match this belief, sooner or later you start. Even if you understand that fulfilling this belief is impossible or even absurd.

Love is…

Doubts about feelings often arise as a consequence of our false beliefs. It may seem to you that you love “wrong.” That they love you “wrong”, which means they don’t love you at all.

However, Tolstoy in “Anna Karenina” wrote that “as many hearts as there are, so many types of love.” The love-passion characteristic of the first few years of a relationship is fleeting. They say about her “she lives for three years.” It burns fast and bright, and certainly cannot be the support of a long-term project called marriage.

And if it passed, or rather, became quiet, this does not mean at all that the wife stopped loving her husband completely and forever. On the contrary, the time has come for real partnership, devotion, and therefore true love.

Women's misconceptions about a happy marriage have destroyed more than one family. After all, it’s not Mexican passions that are needed. Partners must be able to support and care for each other; in such a union, the stakes are placed on the compatibility (psychological, sexual) of the partners, making their coexistence as comfortable as possible for both.

What to do with false beliefs?

How to deal with the dissatisfaction caused by our erroneous beliefs? And how can true personal misfortune be distinguished from such beliefs?

Happiness is a difficult criterion to measure. You can evaluate your level of income, living conditions, social status, and success from a generally accepted point of view. But how can you assess your level of happiness? After all, this internal state, and quite fleeting.

Practicing cognitive schemas is both easy and very difficult. Getting rid of beliefs is monotonous work that requires constant monitoring on your part. You need to do something like the following.

• track your cognitive patterns, your reactions. Repeated reactions to events will indicate a false belief (“I knew you were not capable of anything” to any of his mistakes)
• describe your feelings on paper
• develop opposing beliefs. It is also advisable to write them down first

Sometimes it helps to simply recognize the fact that you are in the grip of your own delusion. It will be easier for you to act rationally, and you will not react strongly to your experiences.

Remember the main thing - your behavior means a lot to a man, but if there is no harmony at the level of signs, then the relationship will be very tense. It is very advisable to find out the exact compatibility of your zodiac sign with the sign of a man. This can be done by clicking on the button below:

Or has love really passed?

Understanding whether you really have stopped loving your husband, or whether it just seems so to you, is not so easy. But there are still a number of alarming symptoms.

You no longer want to compromise, you don’t want to adapt, you don’t want to give in

Your point of view has become more important to you than your husband's point of view. You constantly protect your personal interests, without looking back. You get irritated by any need to do what your husband wants, not you.

You don't want to spend time with him

You no longer require attention and prefer to spend your free time with your friends. Joint leisure does not evoke any emotions in you, you simply don’t care whether he is nearby or not.

You are not jealous of him, but you yourself have begun to notice an interest in other men.

The absence of jealousy, especially if there is a reason, is a serious moment to think about. You no longer feel him as your man and are ready to share. And if you accidentally find yourself recklessly flirting with your old friend, it’s definitely time to think about what’s going on.

You are not satisfied with sex with your husband, and you do not want intimacy with him at all - hugs, kisses, etc.

If bodily desire has disappeared, not only sensual, sexual, but also simply maintaining spiritual closeness between you, this is also a very alarming call.

All the signs described above may well indicate that the wife has really either already stopped loving her husband, or is moving in this direction.

Is there anything that can be done?

Sometimes there may be objective reasons for such alienation between spouses. There are difficult, crisis moments in a marriage (on average, once every three years). There are betrayals, betrayals, and serious grievances. Over time, your life changes, and you yourself change.

Does this mean that as a result of these changes you must separate?

Not always. Try to understand the reasons why this happened. Perhaps you spend too little time together. Or they moved away from each other for some other reason. Either way, once you find the root of the problem, you can work on it and hopefully fix it.

Either way, you need to rebuild trust and intimacy. Do something together. Find new joint goals and move towards them together. In this case, it may be possible to return the spirit of partnership and togetherness to the relationship. And you will be able to love your husband again.

In long-term relationships, the saying “From love to hate is one step” is more relevant than in any other. Therefore, do not give up under any circumstances and remember that marriage is not only cloudless happy Days together, but also difficulties, experiencing life’s ups and downs, constantly working together on relationships.

If you want to be with the man you love, you need to figure out whether you are compatible according to your zodiac sign?

Find out your exact compatibility with a man by clicking on the button below.