Parental messages and life script. How do family scenarios work and is it possible to get out of them?

Many people know that the child remembers, assimilates the model of behavior of a parent of the same sex, and when he grows up and creates own family, automatically plays. But often it is not only the behavior pattern of one of the parents that is transferred, but the entire family scenario. How does the parental family script influence the formation of one’s own, personal and family life?

Whatever the family scenario, the behavior patterns of the father, mother and the nature of their relationships, they are perceived by the child and stored for a long time. unconscious level as natural and the only possible ones, like normal, even if they are objectively far from normal.

This is why adults repeat the behavior of a parent of the same sex, even if in childhood and even in adulthood they considered it wrong. Yes, you can’t behave this way (why it’s impossible is clear from the problems observed in the parental family), but it’s not clear how to behave differently!

No one taught how to build a happy family, how to successfully resolve conflicts, what it means to be a good husband/wife, how to raise children correctly, and so on. But the parents showed all this to the child by example. Other examples, although they exist, are not accepted as possible.

For example, a girl in childhood did not want to be like her mother (unless the mother’s behavior model was really worthy of imitation), but as she grows up, she finds herself a husband who is similar to her father, and then begins to remind herself more and more of her mother. She simply does not know another model of behavior and reproduces her existing model unconsciously.

The version of the relationship between parents, which has become natural, is deposited on an unconscious level in the form priority method thinking, communication and behavior in the family, in the form of stereotypes, traditions, family myths.

Types of Family Scenarios

Polish psychotherapist V. Jacek proposed the following classification of family scenarios:

Attention! There are no bad or good scenarios! Each of them can be either the best or the worst for a particular family. For example, for some the patriarchal family is a source of happiness, but for others it is a deep, burdensome problem. The scenario that suits both spouses and allows them to save the family is the best. It is important to understand in which scenario both are comfortable.

Studying the scenario of the parent family

The life scenario of the parental family of one of the spouses begins to be reproduced by him during adult life, V long-term relationships (cohabitation or marriage), that is, when the union of two people can already be called family.

You need to understand that any of your family conflicts are much more effective and correct to resolve, going back to memories about the parental family, about childhood. Otherwise, by touching only on his personal, pressing problems and solving them, a person only gets rid of the “tip of the iceberg”, leaving the main mass unconscious.

Family conflicts can only be resolved through husband-wife couple. A competent family psychologist is always interested in how and what the parental family of each of the spouses who came for a consultation lived. If only the husband or only the wife comes to the psychologist, the result will be, but much less than when both come.

The psychologist gives the client experiencing problems in family life the knowledge he needs, helps him find the sources of the problem, internal and external resources that will help solve it, but doesn't solve problems for the client!

Psychologist helps understand the scenario of the parent family And decide give up the destructive part of it. While the script is not realized, it is strong and controls the personality without “connecting” consciousness.

It will not be possible to completely abandon the scenario of the parental family, positive its sides should be left. But that’s why man was given reason, not only to copy someone else’s, but also to create his own, something new.

Personality is formed not only under the influence of parents and as a result of upbringing. It is influenced by society, the situation in the country, personal experience and knowledge, profession, worldview, self-education and much more.

After understanding the parental scenario, it is important consciously design and begin to apply in practice, the best for your family, your own scenario.

There's nothing wrong with allowing yourself refuse from the type of parental behavior and move on to the one that seems correct, based on personal experience and acquired knowledge.

It happens that after one of the partners realizes that they are blindly following the parental script and abandoning it, the script of the parental family begins to be reproduced in the family second partner. This is why it is so important for husband and wife to work together to establish rules and routines in their family.

New family - new rules

The psychologist will undoubtedly help to understand how the parental family scenario influences the formation of the client’s own family. But you can try and really cope with this task on one's own.

In order to get rid of negative consequences following the scenario of the parent family, you need:

When forming your own harmonious internal family order, you need to take into account that the psychology of men, women and children differs. It is difficult to achieve complete agreement without understanding the differences in each other's habits, tastes, desires and needs.

Both partners are equally responsible for the quality of the relationship, regardless of the scenario. Only the desire to understand each other and build a happy family will tell you what scenario to create.

What scenario can be traced in your family?

A long time ago, back at the University, we were given a lecture where they told us about life scenarios, about the fact that we bear the imprint of the lives of our parents, we face the same problems as them, we associate our lives with people of the same character, We experience the same difficulties and experiences. Moreover, girls repeat the fate of their mother, and boys - their father...
Of course, the scenario is refracted from generation to generation, but trends, some “similarities” can be traced. For example, single mothers' daughters may have problems with the opposite sex and they may also become single mothers; the wives of alcoholics may have daughters who encounter drinking boyfriends/spouses; For fathers who separated from their wives and left children, their sons can also repeat their fate by leaving their family... etc. and so on…

So, even then I thought that my life was somewhat similar to my mother’s... She got married as a student. And he was a drinker... And she got divorced a couple of years later. I took assignment to Novosibirsk, which is far from Penza, and left. He tried to “catch up” with her there, to bring her back, but mom was adamant. Then she met my dad, they got married, and I was born. They still live together, which makes me happy). Although dad can’t be called a teetotaler now:SAD:
...During that student period, I met my future first husband. Even then, I was alarmed that he liked to drink, well, he didn’t get drunk in front of me, of course, but he gladly invited me to cafes, brought wine and beer when he came to visit... The relationship was uneven, nervous, but there was such love... passion... They served application to the registry office. But after that it happened that he got drunk and raised his hand to me. I changed my mind about getting married... But he asked for forgiveness for several weeks, he walked like silk... I forgave, got married. Although even then something told me that we would not be together. But fate led me))) And after some time I left him for the first time, came back... second... third... I forgave, like many women, my heart is not a stone... It’s a pity I didn’t have the courage to leave... Well, not the same ones times are now, in Soviet time somehow it was safer to start living in a foreign city.. So, we still got divorced. And I met my second husband. He is also younger than me (by the way, my dad is younger than my mom, though not by 5 years, but oh well). And then our daughter was born:ANGEL:
Sounds like your mom's story? It seems. If you dig a generation deeper, my grandfather, my mother’s father, was also an alcoholic... My grandmother lived with him all her life, but was very unhappy...
And I know a lot of such family stories, where a similar life scenario is very clearly visible... Stories of the families of my friends, acquaintances, former lovers...
Yes, according to the same theory - you can change your life scenario! Break it! It’s a pity that I didn’t break it even then, after my student days and went to the registry office... Although I would have known where to fall - I would have laid out a straw... It’s not always clear WHAT will follow this or that decision. You think, “I’ll just keep silent about this, or just go there, or do this, you think, it’s a little thing...” And then, after a while, it turns out that this step was fateful...

Sometimes, when you look at these stories from the outside, you clearly and clearly see what a person needs to do to change everything... Sometimes it is clear that in order to “change” the scenario, a person needs enormous strength and will... And... luck or something... May God grant that were!
I would like to believe that we are all masters of our own destiny. Every minute of our life is our decision. And therefore we ourselves can change everything. It is important to understand WHAT... And not be afraid to correct it.

This podcast is dedicated to the problem of raising children by parents. Unfortunately, the parenting scenarios discussed in this podcast are very common in families, many parents consider the child their property.
As a result of upbringing, the child develops behavioral stereotypes that will negatively affect the child’s future life. Moreover, it will be quite difficult to get rid of these scenarios, even when the child becomes an adult.
I will briefly go through each scenario so that the reader/listener has an idea of ​​what the podcast will be about. So, let's begin:

1) The most destructive scenario is when parents tell their child "It would be better if you weren't here." He begins to be tormented by a guilt complex. At some point, the child makes the decision “I need to free my parents from me.” Suicidal tendencies arise.

3) The child is constantly told “Oh my little son/daughter, I gave birth to you for myself, you won’t leave me, etc.” The result is complete immaturity and lack of motivation. There is a fear of something new, because under my mother’s skirt it is warm and cozy.

4) The 4th scenario is the exact opposite of the third scenario, parents say "Don't be a child, be an adult and serious." The free flow of vital energy fades

5) “Don’t do it, you’ll do everything wrong anyway, and then I’ll have to redo it for you.” As a result, in one case, the child’s sense of initiative begins to atrophy, and the confidence arises that he is good for nothing, that all his endeavors will not lead to the desired result. In another case, the strategy “To spite grandma, I’ll freeze my ears” is formed.

6) "Do not trust anyone". The result is that it will be difficult for a child to build a family, how can you trust an unfamiliar girl/boy. She/he definitely has only one goal - to claim living space. All in all, housing problem spoiled Muscovites..

8) "Don't be a leader." The principle “Keep your head down, it’s better not to stand out, don’t be an upstart” works here. Attitudes toward leadership and new ideas are extinguished, everyone must be like that... In general, a return to the Soviet Union, where everyone is equal.

9) When parents tell their child "You're not mine, you're not like us at all.." The child loses his sense of belonging. Suspiciousness increases. trustfulness decreases.

10) A child discovers the world, but he is told "Look how smart, it’s too early for you to think about it.” Don’t think about sex, money, girls... As a result, there is a reluctance to explore anything.

11) "Don't feel" attitude. Example: Parents say "I'm cold, so put on a sweater! :)))))" A direct ban on feelings, on sensations... The child begins to think: “Why the hell should I feel anything? All the feelings are wrong early on. I’d better suppress them in myself.”

12) "Don't make progress." When a child achieves something on his own, he gets hit in the face. As a result, the child decides that it is impossible to be successful and joyful. And why? But because my parents stop loving me at this moment.

Bottom line: I wouldn’t be surprised if you recognized your parents and yourself in one or more scenarios. If any prescription has been in effect for a long time from significant people, then it will sooner or later be realized in the child, no matter when, at 7, 10 or 20 years old. And then the help of a psychologist will be needed to deactivate this prescription in an adult.
As for me, in the 11th scenario I recognize my mother, who is always cold. And when she’s cold, I’m quite comfortable :) And this is already a proven fact.

Of course, this is far from full list parental instructions that can ruin the child’s future life. What parental attitudes have you personally encountered?

We are talking about family scenarios, life scenarios - parental scenarios, which are familiar to those who have read the works of the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne. “Life script - parental script” is an unconscious life plan that a person basically creates for himself in childhood under the influence of parents, people and events that are important to him. More details The “scenario” is “written” by the age of 18, and... is carried out throughout life, provided that the person does not want to realize it and meaningfully change it. The “script matrix”, with the help of which the script is created, contains messages from parents about how to live, how to behave in certain situations, what prohibitions and permissions there are, what behavior patterns, norms, morals, feelings, etc. are acceptable and “wrong and forbidden”, and, of course, information about how parents behave, what they do, what and how they say, and what they are silent about and hide. Here you can remember about family secrets that are silent, but which are felt in the family field. It turns out that we can inherit not only certain models, patterns (samples) of behavior in certain situations, but also “move reality” so that we end up in exactly such stories.

Family tradition , like some aspects of the “life script - parent script”, differs in that real reasons its appearances faded into the background a long time ago, often more than one generation ago, but the set of actions remained, although from the outside it may look completely meaningless. Natalya Kravchenko told me a parable that quite accurately describes where scripts come from and why. A certain man once remarked that his wife never fries a whole chicken, but always cuts it into pieces. He asked why she did this and received the answer: “This is how my mother always cooked.” He went to his mother-in-law, asked her the same question, and received the answer: “I got this recipe from my mother.” The restless young man got to his grandmother, and she told him: “Yes, I really always cook chicken this way. But this is only because when I was young I had a very small stove, and whole chicken It simply wouldn’t fit on it.” Everyone has their own ways of cooking chicken. Only we, unlike our parents and grandparents, have a choice: cook the way we were accustomed to since childhood, or try a different recipe, because we have a bigger stove! However, we do not always notice this choice from our picture of the world.

The easiest and the straightforward embodiment of the life scenario - the parental scenario - is a repetition of the “life line” of the parents, with girls repeating the fate of the mother, and boys - the father, or other significant adults, if the family was incomplete or the parents were present in the child’s life sporadically. But most often, parental behavior patterns in new conditions are refracted in a unique way. Let's say a mother, wishing her daughter a successful marriage, inspires her that family happiness depends on the woman insofar as she is wiser and is capable of gradually controlling a man, and the stronger sex is just stupid boys. The girl grows up and gets a good education, does scientific career- and it turns out that she simply cannot find a worthy life partner, because, according to the attitude learned from her mother, she a priori considers men to be creatures more stupid than herself, tries at every opportunity to point out to her male colleagues and acquaintances her own intellectual superiority, and tries to manipulate fans - with with varying success. She will have to independently or with the help of a psychologist learn other behavior that is more appropriate for her. modern society, moving away from the patriarchal model of the family, from which the “secret female wisdom” comes (when power in society belongs to men, a woman tries to gradually take hers, at least within the narrow confines of the home).

Children are much better remember what parents do rather than what they say. And mom and dad often contradict themselves or each other, causing an almost schizophrenic duality in children. Let's say a mother instills in her daughter that in order to be successful, a woman must get married and have children, and she herself treats her alcoholic husband, to put it mildly, without respect. Most likely, the daughter, in her sincere desire to fulfill her mother’s instructions, will choose men similar to her father and similarly build relationships with them, which will collapse every time. The situation will probably be repeated more than once or twice, leading the woman to what seems to her a logical conclusion about the worthlessness of the entire male sex. By the way, many lesbians have a similar life scenario - the parental scenario determined that they chose women as partners, being disappointed in men.

Another typical reaction to the life scenario is the parental scenario - an attempt to turn it around, to do everything the other way around, not the way they were taught: to date men who do not resemble their father in any way, to get a profession that parents are horrified by... But the anti-script, as he wrote Bern, it’s the same scenario, just with a different sign. Neither one nor the other will make us happy, because both the script and the anti-script do not take our own desires, unique, not similar to their parents, often even contradicting them.

Although the anti-script- this is a normal stage in building your own (and not your parents’) life plan. Typically, anti-script behavior is observed in adolescents.

The fact that this or that model of behavior does not belong to us can be seen by the inconvenience that a repeating story causes us (as if you were putting on a coat from someone else’s shoulder and it’s too tight for you), or by really serious problems, sometimes on a somatic level. As sad as it may be, most often only such troubles force us to look at our lives from an unusual angle and see those same repeating situations or similar people, time after time “visiting” us. However, careful attention to events and observation help to track such repetitions. And understand that if history repeats itself, it means that there is something wrong with it, and you need to realize what exactly it is and correct it, if necessary, with the help of a specialist. After all, our lives are too short to allow ourselves the luxury of wasting time on the same mistakes.