Manipulation of people. Signs that you are being manipulated

The Tale of Cinderella - classic collection manipulative syndromes

Characteristic signs of manipulative behavior using the example of the heroes of the wonderful wise fairy tale about Cinderella.

Manipulating people- this is a psychological technique that hides the control of the interlocutor against his will. By manipulating, a person is forced to take certain actions, and he performs them contrary to his own interests. How to distinguish sincerity in communication from manipulation?

The main characteristic of manipulation in communication is its secrecy. When communicating with this or that person, pay attention to a number of characteristic features manipulative behavior. And the wonderful, wise fairy tale about Cinderella will help us with this.

Stepmother syndrome - a classic manipulator technique

1. “Stepmother” syndrome, or provoking feelings of guilt through emotional intimidation

The manipulator acts in such a way that the interlocutor. Manipulation addresses your most important needs and aspects of life. For example, your friend or acquaintance says: “I have no one else to count on but you. After all, you are my friend? If you don't lend me this money, I won't be able to pay for my insurance." Or a neighbor says: “If you don’t take it upon yourself community service in organizing parking spaces, then you will definitely have nowhere to park.”

This method was successfully used by the evil stepmother in the fairy tale about Cinderella, intimidating her with the fact that she would deal with her husband, Cinderella’s father, if she did not help her and her daughters. The manipulation was a success. But this is only the beginning of the fairy tale.

2. “Cinderella” syndrome, or playing on self-esteem

4. “Prince” syndrome, or avoidance of any personal requests or claims, use of impersonal language

The manipulator often avoids. He is more likely to say not “I’m asking you for a favor,” but “You know that this needs to be done because...”. The wife says to her husband: “Usually, on their anniversary, husbands give all women a fur coat or a diamond necklace.”

In the fairy tale of Cinderella, the Prince suffers from this syndrome. Instead of directly expressing his feelings and his attitude, almost all the time he falls into allegory and falsely understood “breeding.”

5. Cinderella Father Syndrome - Your own conflicting emotions

The best indicator is your own emotions when communicating. As already mentioned, manipulation is always based on the involvement of the interlocutor’s emotions. The manipulator constructs the conversation in such a way that several situations arise at once. If the conversation is outwardly normal, but you begin to get angry or irritated, think about how sincere the interlocutor is.

If Cinderella’s father understood the reason for his hesitation and would not allow himself to be manipulated... Then wise tale there would be no trace!

There are many techniques to combat manipulation. But the most The best way– show your interlocutor that you understand his secret motive, make this motive obvious.

Label it with plain text “Do you want me to...”. Look what happens next: either the interaction will simply stop, or the interlocutor will be forced to move on to a direct and honest discussion of the issue. As soon as the manipulator realizes that we have figured out his mentality, he has no chance to achieve his goal.

A complex technique that is used by many scammers to gain profit is the manipulation of people. Human psychology is such that it can be controlled. Even during business negotiations, the parties try to put pressure on each other, promoting their point of view. And to protect yourself from outside influence, you need to familiarize yourself with different methods manipulation.

It is most often hidden. It is more difficult to suppress the will openly. This requires a person who is easily affected. And there are very few of them. In this regard, it is used hidden manipulation people.

The multifaceted art of management

Psychology is a multifaceted science. And the art of manipulation is direct proof of this. There are a huge number of methods by which you can learn to control a person. But there is no such manipulator who would use all methods. Usually they choose several methods that are most suitable. Why is manipulating people so popular? Human psychology is like this. And with the help of the art of management, you can not only influence the actions of your interlocutor, but also achieve your goal.

You need to feel people's mood

One should not think that everyone is subject to control. In fact, there are people who are difficult to hypnotize. Accordingly, they also cannot be manipulated. Attackers try to avoid such people. How do they know who to avoid and who to control? Manipulation of people, psychology - to be a professional in these areas, you need to have a good sense of the mood of your interlocutor. Otherwise, all skills and abilities will be reduced to zero.

Usually manipulators find a weak point. It could be an interest, a belief, a habit, a way of thinking, emotional condition etc. The main thing is to find where to put pressure and know how to do it. In what way can people be manipulated? Psychology, books - all this will help us understand popular management methods.

Winning a prize

Win-pay. This type of management can be considered the most favorite among scammers who are trying to ingratiate themselves into people’s trust. They tell their interlocutor that he has won a prize or reward. Naturally, if you put in the effort, then this may be true. But if there was no contribution on your part, but you somehow won the award, then you should think about the veracity of the situation.

Focusing on the little things. Manipulation described in the book

Shift of attention. This method was described in the books of a psychologist. He is known as the creator of Ericksonian hypnosis. What features can be identified that are characteristic of this technique of manipulating people? Human psychology is such that his attention can switch to the most various little things. And it is on this switching that control is built. You just need to distract your interlocutor from important moment. For example, the manipulator may offer to choose one of three options. But regardless of your choice, he will always win, not you. The point is not that everything depends on the decision. main idea lies in the need to gain confidence and in distraction.

When information is not true

Inconsistency of information. To recognize inappropriate data transmitted through a variety of channels, you need to become familiar with the basics of nonverbal communication. This is the only way to see that the manipulator’s speech is at odds with the rest of the information conveyed by his gestures.

No extra time

What is this kind of psychology of manipulation? Pressure on a person and opposition on his part presupposes the use of a certain time frame. For example, you can start a discussion with your interlocutor about an important topic. However, he, speaking of other plans, begins to get ready to leave. And at the same time, it may require an immediate decision on your part on the issue that was discussed. With this method they try to drive you into a corner.

Three psychological tricks will help you with this. They will be described further.

The emergence of a sense of duty

Care and love. Almost all methods fundamentally contain rules of mutual exchange. A fairly common concept in psychology. Its essence lies in the need to evoke a sense of duty in the interlocutor. And this happens on an unconscious level. For example, the husband washed all the dishes, cleaned the rooms, and wiped the dust himself. He sent his wife to rest. And after all the work was done, he casually said that tomorrow he was going to have a drink with his friends. Well, how can you refuse him in such a situation? This case is simple and real - the husband has formed a sense of duty in his wife. Accordingly, the likelihood of hearing a positive response from her has increased markedly.

How to deal with manipulation? Reviews from people

If you want to know (including the subtleties of psychology), then you need to understand how to resist manipulation. In this situation, remember that no one will show concern without a reason. Being mindful will help you avoid exposure. In addition, there is no need to accumulate a sense of duty. Know how to say no. The above method of manipulation is quite effective. And he meets you at every step.

Zombification

Repetition is the mother of learning. This is the basis of zombification. For example, every day on TV you are shown advertisements for delicious condiments. Wandering around the store, you won’t even notice how you buy them. Why? This is due to the fact that you have already viewed the advertisement several thousand times. It is firmly entrenched in the subconscious. This technique is often used to manipulate people. No wonder there is a proverb that states that a person will begin to grunt if he is called a pig a hundred times. This management technique is common in relations between superiors and subordinates with low self-esteem.

How to resist this method management? Be carefull. Repetition can be associated with care, and then a powerful weapon of control will be obtained. You will automatically turn into a good investor for bad person. Only attentiveness will save you from such a fate.

Seducing your interlocutor is an excellent manipulation technique

The Forbidden fruit is sweet. You should not give in to temptations and desires, even though it is difficult. You must have willpower. Do you want to learn how to manipulate? Use this method. Analyze your life. How often have you said the phrase “Don’t tempt...”, “Weak...?”, “Isn’t that a man?” Or maybe they told you this?

For example, promotions and discounts. They can be found especially often on the Internet when they are accompanied by countdown timers. This is pure temptation, control. It will not allow you to pass by such sites. Use this method to your advantage.

Such exposure can be avoided. Just understand its nature, understand how it works. Having a strong character and unwavering principles can also help. Only in such a situation no one can seduce you.

There can be many control methods

There are a lot of most different ways manipulation. You need to be able to defend yourself against this. First of all, it is important to listen to yourself. After all, manipulation presupposes influence, control of someone else's will. If you begin to feel discomfort or are inclined to make a decision right now, then you need to leave the conversation. Say no and stand by your principles. There is no need to succumb to provocations. After all, you are simply being manipulated.

Start making your own decisions

This review described how to manipulate people (subtleties of psychology). How to avoid falling for such tricks? Pay attention to this, because you can be constantly controlled in all areas of your life. Start making your own decisions, not those that have been imposed on you. This is the psychology of manipulation and pressure on a person, the counteraction to which we discussed above.

Most people have heard about the psychology of manipulation in connection with the socio-psychological impact on people’s behavior during the color revolutions recent years. Before using methods of mass influence on people as a systemic technology, psychologists studied manipulation techniques at the individual level.

There are many books about the nature and technology of manipulation, about how to recognize a manipulator in your close environment and resist him. There are even trainings that teach techniques for influencing the subconscious for successful business. Which is not entirely ethical, but is in demand.

In fact, unconscious manipulation is part of communication and a natural ability of every person. It becomes a problem if it is practiced consciously to obtain a specific planned result. Because it's violence. Only psychological.

What is manipulation?

Before moving into the field of psychology, the term "manipulation" was used in socialist political science since the 60s. in relation to the “imperialist” media. Previously, in political and everyday situations it was known as “intrigue.”

A concept similar to manipulation - a stratagem - existed in ancient Greece and Rome as a military stratagem. And 3 thousand years ago in China it was used not only in military affairs, but also in interpersonal communication. This is a description of special patterns of behavior that take into account psychology, situation and calculation to achieve a special hidden goal. At the same time, their use to achieve “low” victories was condemned.

In 1939, the treatise “On the 36 Stratagems” was found in the Chinese province of Shenxi. In the book “The Cunning Jesus” (Der Listige Jesus), a Protestant priest from Switzerland, W. Mauch, describes how Jesus used the same stratagems during his life.

What manipulation is in psychology was well described in his work by E. Dotsenko, and, from the point of view of sociology, by S. G. Kara-Murza. The works of H. Breaker and D. Simon and the book of N. Gueguen deserve attention.

If we combine all the definitions, then manipulation is the implicit control of methods of indirect influence on inner world a person, using him as a passive object for the sake of dominance, exploitation or to achieve other goals unknown to the “victim”.

But in a consumer society, the speed of advancement through career levels is put above all else. And even if other people are used for this, then with such public morality - “it is their own fault” that they cannot do the same. Manipulators are often effective managers, and “psychological violence” is already presented in some trainings as a result of evolution. Of course, such an individualistic attitude is not only controversial, but also destructive for humanity as a whole. Nevertheless, there is also such a definition: manipulation is the structuring of the world and the spiritual state of others, which always allows you to win.

How to recognize a manipulator?

Acquaintance with begins from childhood. Interpersonal relationships contain elements of such control. The individual weaknesses of loved ones are used: fears, complexes, inadequate self-esteem, naivety, guilt and other pain points. But this is not blackmail, but a veiled influence on the sphere of emotions.

Manipulators become those for whom some traumatic experience in childhood prevented them from finding unity with the world or people. There are born “managers” who directly feel the psychological weaknesses of their neighbors and skillfully play on them.

Hungarian psychologists from the University of Pécs proved that such people's brain activity increased when they saw that their experimental partner was playing fairly. Whereas for the rest, such a surge occurs in the opposite case. Scientists have concluded that the manipulator, having encountered decency, immediately calculates what benefits can be derived from it.

How to recognize a manipulator? Those who control someone else's subconscious often have the personality traits of the “dark triad”:

1. Machiavellianism is cynicism and unscrupulousness in achieving goals, ignoring morality.
2. Psychopathy - ruthlessness, inability to sympathize and empathize, lack of conscience.
3. Narcissism is narcissism, inability to empathize.

What unites them is: manipulative communication style, selfishness, courage, emotional coldness. Dominance, sense of superiority, ambition, perseverance. Oddly enough, but owners of such traits are sexually attractive to women. They also take advantage of this, using their charm and acting skills to arouse sympathy.

The first communication may not portend anything bad. But if, during subsequent meetings, discomfort, anxiety, or recurring negative emotions are felt, this is evidence of “psychological violence.”

It is worth listening to intuition when the behavior and mood of the interlocutor does not correspond to the words: he crosses his arms over his chest, holds them near his mouth, crosses his legs. Sometimes it happens that you really like a person because of his extremely intelligent, friendly behavior - this is also a reason to think about it. Especially if he shows increased interest:

• To any facts of your life. Interested in family, work, hobbies, prospects for the future, facts from the past, especially negative ones.
• To the features of the worldview. What ideals, personal values, attitudes are cultivated. For this purpose, philosophical topics are introduced.

You should be wary of:

1. Obvious flattery. More often used for narcissistic people who easily take it at face value.
2. Imposing yourself, your services and help.
3. Showing love and respect. Favors and gifts. This captivates and draws you into a web of gratitude.
4. Repetitions of phrases, words are pronounced in a different order, sometimes replaced with similar meanings, but the meaning remains the same, so that the idea penetrates the subconscious.
5. Usage difficult words, special terms to divert attention, reduce nonverbal control.
6. Mosaic conversation: starts with one thing, jumps from topic to topic, ends with another.
7. Haste in the conversation itself and artificial time pressure for actions, so that in the turmoil it is impossible to think about what is happening. At the same time, it is possible to dramatize the consequences and inflame anxiety.
8. Forced jokes and artificial humor.
9. "Mirroring". When the interlocutor copies posture, gestures, manners in order to “be on the same wavelength.”
10. Interrupting and changing the topic by the interlocutor.
11. Answers with questions.
12. Emotional stability. Quick response to objections.
13. Unusual behavior that changes too suddenly.
14. An unpleasant aftertaste after communication, although there were no obvious prerequisites.
15. On the contrary, an inexplicable charm.

Psychological aggressors consciously probe for deep experiences. And they give verbal or non-verbal signs, which the objects of manipulation actions themselves insert into the existing context (explain to themselves), changing reality in accordance with the desires of the manipulators, without realizing it. But if you are warned, you can fight back.

Basic psychological techniques of manipulation

Manipulations are divided into conscious (usually in business communication) and unconscious (in interpersonal). "Puppeteers" use and active methods manipulation and passive.

The main techniques of manipulation in everyday communication are based on feelings and psychological weaknesses:

• False love. In order not to lose a good attitude towards himself, a person follows the lead of the “puppeteer”, who accepts only those personality traits that are beneficial to him personally.
• Lies and deceit, denial and excuses.
• Caring attitude that was not asked for in exchange for...
• Superficial sympathy that turns out to be “crocodile tears.”
• Cultivating feelings of guilt forces the recipient to fulfill the wishes of the “actor.”
• Depreciation. Self-affirmation at the expense of another's insecurity. And for this they hit self-esteem.
• - the favorite sin not only of Al Pacino’s hero, but also of successful manipulators. “You’re so wonderful, can you do a few more things?” The reward method also works on proud people.
• Evoking pity or sympathy is an easy way to gain trust. To take over later.

• Seduction by benefits, relationships, gifts, recognition or “what do you want, my lord”? And then veiled threats to take it away.
• Anger, irritation that does not correspond to the situation. They force vulnerable and sensitive people to make deals.
• Demonstrative resentment. Which goes away abruptly when you get what you want. This is what differs from sincere.
• Suggestion. Some succumb easily, but all are vulnerable to fatigue.
• Ignoring. Feelings, words, desires of the opponent.
• Irony, sarcasm to shame the interlocutor.
• Minimization and rationalization, as well as feigning innocence. An explanation that inappropriate behavior is not so terrible compared to the “world revolution” or a complete justification. Sometimes with indignation and feigned surprise.
• Projecting guilt (collective, for example) onto a specific person, condemning him, instilling false guilt.
• Feigning stupidity. When they pretend that they don’t understand what they’re talking about.

Everyone is familiar with the basic psychological techniques of manipulation. Some are normal and used in education, although they are no better than motivation and sincere dialogue. Sometimes they are necessary and interesting in a relationship. But one-sided cruel manipulation is unfair and ugly.

Who falls victim to manipulators?

People who have increased responsibility, naivety and gullibility are vulnerable to manipulators. Also lonely and elderly. The following weaknesses and advantages are exploited:

• Low self-esteem.
• Fear of emotions, especially negative ones.
• Passion for pleasure.
• Narcissism.
• Greed
• Lack of consciousness and hyperconsciousness.
• Impressionability and sensitivity.
• Altruism.
• Masochism.
• Impulsiveness.

Thus, it is clear what personality traits should be worked on in order not to become victims of manipulators.

How to resist manipulation?

To spot the manipulator, you should be careful and take your time making decisions. If a “border violator” is identified, the following methods will help to resist manipulation:

1. Find out the goals of the aggressor.
2. Hide your emotions, don't show your vulnerabilities.
3. Be yourself.
4. Do not react to provocations, do not give the opportunity to impose destructive feelings on you.
5. Don't make excuses.
6. Ask direct clarifying questions.
7. Master conscious “superficial” communication so as not to go into existential ones. That is, do not try on other people’s emotions to fit your coordinate system.
8. Calculate what reaction is expected from you. Don't show it.
9. Find out the reasons for your actions by asking: “Why am I doing this?”
10. Know how.
11. Don't be afraid to say you've changed your mind, made a mistake, or don't want to continue the conversation.
12. Leave if you don't like the interaction.
13. Announce that you know the manipulator's goal. When exposed, the games of the “puppeteer” lose their meaning. But they don't admit the charges best case scenario, change the subject. At worst, they will begin to put pressure on your feelings so that you feel that you are wrong.

Don't be afraid of what others will think of you. Best protection from manipulators - developing assertiveness in oneself in order to be an independent, self-sufficient person and live in emotional balance.

It is said that in India there was once a secret sect of thug stranglers. Sometimes they are also called tags. In honor of their goddess of death, Kali, they strangled people with a silk ribbon and sacrificed them to her. But it would be wrong for one Tugu to accidentally strangle another Tugu. What to do? After all, the sect is secret. How can a thug strangler recognize another thug in his victim? And they came up with various secret identification marks so as not to be mistaken and recognize a fellow Tug in a potential victim. But still, their main means of combating such an error was something else. Just in case, all Thugs trained their neck muscles from childhood to resist strangulation if they were suddenly attacked by another Thug!

So, if you don't want to be strangled, train your neck muscles and don't succumb to strangulation!

If you don't want to be manipulated, train your ability to resist manipulation and don't give in to it!

One simple question remains: how to resist manipulation if you don’t know what it is? Well, let's answer it, and let's live peacefully in the world of manipulation!

Manipulation briefly

The word "manipulation" in Lately so often used in means mass media(media), which has already become something familiar. However, familiar does not mean understandable!

What is it manipulation?

Let's first give the broadest and most understandable definition of this word.

Manipulation is the deft control of human behavior.

Are there any objections to this definition? I think that it is broad and obvious enough for there to be no objections. And, of course, you can give clarifications! Which is what we'll do soon.

So what happens? If manipulation is deft management, then who is the manipulator? A clever manager?

Manipulator- This is a person who deftly controls the behavior of other people. Yes, that's exactly it! In Russian, the most suitable name for it is “ puppeteer" The manipulator plays with people like a clever puppeteer plays with dolls, forcing them to move and act according to his wishes. At the same time, no one asks the dolls if they themselves want to move and act like that! And the dolls do not resist the puppeteer! Only passively.

Modern life has given us new image, when the puppeteer can control the doll from a distance! Have you seen radio-controlled models in the form of cars, boats or airplanes? The model puppeteer stands aside and uses radio waves to control the movement of his model. Does this remind you of anything? For example, television and radio control of the masses?

By the way, there is an almost literal translation of the word “manipulator” into Russian - “ supervisor“! That is, the one who leads other people with his hands in the direction he needs. In terms of meaning, the concept of “leader” is not much different from the concept of “puppeteer”, do you agree?

Manipulation- quite a fashionable word these days.

Nowadays it’s common to use this word to scare people: “Oh! You are being manipulated!” It is fashionable for them to scare the masses: “We are being manipulated by unscrupulous politicians!” Or: “Voters are being manipulated by the media!”

But what they do for this and how remains not entirely clear.

Let's look into this a little. First, let's look at simple examples and general outline, and then we will begin to analyze the manipulation in more detail.

The concept of “use” as an analogue of manipulation

In Western films, manipulation is usually referred to as " usage». Remember several popular action films or adventure films, and you will definitely come across the use of this word. Yes, there often " good heroes“they say to the “bad heroes” with reproach and with pressure in their voice: “You used me!”

This is a “terrible reproach” and a grave accusation in the mouth of a positive hero! Perhaps it would be more accurate to say in such a situation “you abused me” or “you took advantage of me”! In any case, let’s think: what does this mean?

What we mean is the following.

Signs of a person being “used”:

• Object-person as thing.
• Belittlement object of manipulation.
• Action in interests of the manipulator.
• Understanding after commission.
• Result worse than expected or not the same at all.

Why does this accusation of “exploitation” even arise? Why did the person previously not object and act as the manipulator needed, and then suddenly he “saw the light” and realized that he was being “used”? What makes the victim “see the light” and realize the manipulation? This occurs when the victim realizes that he did not get what he expected, or received much less than this. At the same time, the manipulator still wins!

So, if you realized that you didn’t get what you expected, you can safely assume that you were used! Well, you can still spit after the manipulator leaving with the winnings...

Conclusions regarding manipulative “use”

Let us now figuratively summarize everything that has been said above about “use” in a concentrated form:

I think that having learned about this definition, almost any child, after thinking carefully, can say that this is said specifically about him and his parents! And I think he will be right! This is where the roots of manipulation and “use” come from - they stretch from childhood!

What other example can you give, from non-childhood life?

Well, for example, history knows of cases when a messenger was assigned to deliver a report, and in order for him to ride faster, they said that a great reward awaited him for this. He delivered the report, not knowing that there was a note: “Destroy the messenger!” And “as a reward” this messenger received death!

Creepy manipulation, right?

And full compliance with all the signs of “use” we have analyzed:

• The messenger is treated as things.
• The messenger is placed below other participants in the action.
• Use it in your own interests.
• Use it secretly, “into the dark,” since he does not know what exactly is contained in the report.
• He doesn't get what he wanted what you expected, but you get something else!

Among other things, note that manipulation very often contains deception: they promise the victim one thing, but she gets something completely different!

Conclusion

We've given you an introduction to the art of manipulation. I will not hide that this is only the very beginning of my book “Human Manipulation” and the beginning of training on the topic of manipulation.

Nevertheless, you can already reap the pleasant fruits of your curiosity without any of my training!

Just remember this key phrase:

“I am a thing that someone who puts himself above me uses in his own interests, without informing me of these interests of his, and I do not get what I expected.”

And as soon as you suspect possible manipulation, then immediately estimate how the current specific situation corresponds to this “magic phrase.” And if, by all criteria, life coincides with the theory, then discard your suspicions. You can no longer doubt - you are being manipulated!

What to do next?

Decide for yourself. You can throw a scandal at the manipulator, you can stop the manipulation, you can carry out your own counter-manipulation, or you can seek advice from someone who can give it to you.

And I wish you success in this!

Sazonov V.F. Human manipulation: Educational and methodological manual. Ryazan: RSU, 2007. 56 p..

© Sazonov V.F. , 2007
© Published with the kind permission of the author

The girl went into a shoe store to look for sneakers. Just take a closer look! Find out what's for what, what are the current prices, models, colors, etc. And immediately fell into the tenacious clutches of professionals. Pleasant atmosphere, cheerful music - everything was conducive to staying longer in the store. The seller, a young man, simply “charming,” immediately asked: “What sneakers are we going to try on?” He put shoes on his feet, allowed me to run on the treadmill, gave him a keychain, and introduced me to the director of the store, who had a birthday. The “Frozen Princess” thawed out and decided to buy sneakers. To be honest, not exactly what she wanted, but in addition to them there is an aura of pleasant memories. Moreover, a credit card made it possible to make a purchase without much thought.

A true classic of the genre! The sales technicians did not make a single mistake: they created the illusion of choice, surrounded me with love and attention, and provided minor services. Which normal person will not repay them in kind, will not perform a good deed - will not buy the thing imposed on him? Read Robert Cialdini’s book “The Psychology of Influence” and you will understand and see how such manipulations are carried out in life.

Ten years ago, the topic was “Learning to say NO!” was very popular at psychological trainings. The totalitarian Soviet past had an effect with the rule of survival for everyone: “You better keep your head down!” In this regard, I remember one anecdotal incident. At an international camp, children were given the task of making pine cones something funny. Each child made what he could: some a kid, some an ostrich, etc. And only in the Soviet group all the children, as one, made hedgehogs.

Different times have come, and with them, morals. The current generation of the “zero” is fundamentally different from the previous one: children do what they want, they are not afraid to give interviews, the older generation can object in such a way that no one will find it enough. Modern youth are distinguished by pragmatism, egocentrism, and the ability to firmly defend their interests. However, this does not prevent young people from falling into psychological traps set by someone. After all, manipulative practices are also developing: many of them can be learned in sales training.

How to recognize a manipulative person

Let's start with the concept itself. A manipulative person is a subject who uses the needs of other people to achieve personal goals. It would seem that what is unusual here? We all use each other a little bit. The whole difference is that a manipulator achieves what he wants secretly, that is, he never reveals to another person the true motive of his communication with him. Simply put, he uses his interlocutor in the dark. Examples from life. A friend came to visit you supposedly to chat, but in reality she is waiting for an excuse to sell you another portion of cosmetics. The boss starts the conversation with compliments, so that it would be more inconvenient for you to refuse him a small request, etc.

This situation often occurs in life. One person told another how badly someone else spoke about him. The comrade begins to worry, quietly hate his “anonymous” person, etc. And all you had to do was think: “Why did they tell me this unpleasant story?” After all, they could not tell, even if it was true. As already mentioned, we often become honest when we don’t want to be kind. So there was some kind of goal? The “faithful friend” wanted a quarrel. Perhaps he himself has a cannon-like face, or maybe he is a man of intrigue (who feels needed by the world only when the world around him is collapsing).

Honestly speaking, manipulation is different. In life there are such manipulators - you can’t beat them on any mare! It seems that people have been learning this skill for many years... It's about about professionals.

As an example, let's take a look at the clothing market. Here is a middle-aged woman trying on something she likes. A salesman with a bright red nose tells her: “Yes, it’s cold outside now... The sweater is soft and fluffy. How does it suit you!” This technique of fooling clients is called “attachment” in the language of specialists. What's the point? One truthful phrase clings to another, corresponding to reality, and as a result, the third phrase (of dubious origin) is automatically perceived as truth. The client does not realize the catch, nods his head in agreement, because it is difficult to say “no” if he said “yes” twice before.

This also includes statements like: “The longer you look in the mirror, the more you realize that this dress suits you very well,” “Once you buy this vacuum cleaner, you will forget about half of your problems,” etc. An elementary substitution of concepts occurs: the second action (sensation, feeling) in no way stems from the first, but the person does not realize this for the time being.

Why do all these manipulative tricks work? Because three basic psychological needs of a person are at risk: belonging to a group, love and respect of other people, and self-respect of the individual. You can say that with one blow three balls are pocketed at once! Left behind, however, is the fourth, highest need of a person - the implementation of his own personal project. Hence this feeling of being a “robot,” “cash cow,” “Bobby’s rug,” etc. A nasty feeling in the soul after fulfilling someone’s request is a clear sign that the person was simply “used.”

Other manipulations are also known. We encounter some of them almost every day. For example, using people’s good feelings for someone else’s selfish interests. As a rule, they put pressure on pity, compassion for children, the elderly, and love for the Motherland. Examples are well known: “Good people, give money for the child’s treatment,” “Have you thought about the elderly?”, “Let’s clean up the city with our own hands, because we love it!” Manipulators generally like to use the theme of love, friendship, and fidelity for their own selfish purposes. Quite often: “Dear, I ask you, do this if you love me” or “I think, as a friend, you will not refuse me.” Without wasting one iota of yourself...

In terms of behavior, nothing resembles a clear conscience more than its complete absence.
R. Ruven

Is it possible to somehow resist the charming influence of a manipulator? Can. But first, let’s find out why this needs to be done...

The fact is that a person, an object of manipulation, intuitively feels: he is doing something that, in principle, he would not like. For example, he buys a product he doesn’t need, goes where he didn’t intend to, says something he wanted to keep secret, etc. This happens time after time... His unfulfilled desires are “pushed” into the subconscious, like unnecessary things into the distant drawer. Rubbish accumulates, negative mental energy accumulates, and one fine day a person simply becomes jammed from its excess. A quiet, obedient child turns into hysterics, the husband leaves the family for a quiet “gray mouse” who loves him, a friend betrays a friend, etc.

The imposed service also carries with it a certain negative. An item bought without desire quickly breaks down, money obtained by deception is easily lost, etc. Good sellers know that it will cost themselves more to fool the client! That’s why they let him go in peace if they notice that the person is not yet mentally ready to make a deal. Experts advise simply not to make emotional purchases. No wonder they say: “ Good buy need to get laid."

How to prevent others from influencing you

There is only one way - to mirror the enemy's psychological tricks in your behavior. They talk to you about unnecessary expenses for life, about how expensive everything is today, and how desperately you need money - you agree that life is not easy, and in response he lists his problems. They demand proof of love from you, you respond in kind: “And if you love me, you will promise me that you will never ask for it again.” The most important thing is not to give up, to believe that you are doing absolutely the right thing - from all points of view. And then a surprise awaits you! A manipulator will drop the mask of a “good person” and appear before you “in the form of a beast”: predatory, arrogant and evil. Which once again proves one axiom: “A person who is resourceful in words and smiles is usually unvirtuous.” This rule seems to apply at all times!

Comment on the article "How to recognize that you are being manipulated"

How to recognize that you are being manipulated. How to recognize a manipulator. Let's start with the concept itself.

Discussion

malicious intent + implementation = insidiousness

A person who is more intelligent and/or cynical than I expect of him can become insidious. Those. creating cognitive dissonance in me with an “insidious situation”)) in the direction of his greater intelligence and cynicism)
While God was merciful. Although in general I’m glad to err on the side of a person’s greater intelligence)

Mom and dad can forgive the young manipulator, they may even admire the cunning and How to recognize a domestic tyrant in prosperous family. A father who wanted to see his daughter...

Discussion

Manipulation is a useful tool at first glance, the benefits are obvious. But the risk is great. If a person understands that he is being manipulated, then the “return” can exceed all bonuses.
If the habit of manipulation is encouraged in the family, then... Mom and dad can forgive the young manipulator, they may even admire the cunning and subtlety of execution, but in “free swimming” the child can get seriously beaten in the brain for such a “cute” habit.
Manipulation, like stealing, must be done either skillfully or not at all.
In our family - no way. At least consciously.
By the way, I watched the film. Grotesque.

no, I don't play. I stop it automatically. Always and with everyone.

A true manipulator himself practically believes what he says. Gets into the role. How to recognize a domestic tyrant in a prosperous family. Encyclopedia of manipulations.

Discussion

Example. I posted a thread in the girls' "Music Whom", 0 comments. I can repost it with the title: "What kind of dress is the lady on the right? Is it breasts or a pattern?" and the end of the day will begin. But I do not want. Let only those who trust my taste open it.
I’ll go and manipulate and my husband will start asking to go to the exhibition with me.

The most popular, in my opinion, is to pretend to be sick: blood pressure, heart, etc.
Also pretend to be unhappy because your husband is a drunk. And who, if not a child, should console.
The right to choose: where WE will meet New Year, ours or yours?
"Feeding" an older child.
Flattery (mine!): What a great guy you are, you helped me carry my bags, wash the dishes, vacuum, etc. No one has such a son. How lucky I am.
Impact on conscience: aren’t you ashamed.....
Threats: If you don't do this, you won't get that.
Actions aimed at pride and vanity: you cannot lose to Petya.

What to do with an 8 year old manipulator? ...I find it difficult to choose a section. Child psychology. What to do with an 8 year old manipulator? I have a second-grader, 8 years old. Dysgraphic, with...

Discussion

Love, that's what. And you - educated. Unstable nervous system+ dislike = suicide, hysterics, deviant behavior. Just don’t tell him in words how much you love him. Better prove it with action. Now there is too much control. I read what you write about him below. It seems to me that you and he are just different people, the personality is different, hence the global incompatibility. For you, he is a “dead man”, a hysteric, a manipulator, a liar, dependent on the opinions of others - in general, a terrible person who needs to be corrected. But for himself he is quite good man who is not understood. So, they didn’t get along in character. It is really very scary - when in childhood a person depends on parents who are completely different, not like him, but simply different. Not all parents are ready to accept and love a person as he is - sometimes, if they see some differences between him and themselves, they begin to make him a person, educate him, and correct his shortcomings.
It will be even worse when a younger one is born, very similar to you and his father, who will be very easy to love. In general, if everything continues in the same spirit - “in my house lives not a beloved and respected son, but a hysteric and manipulator” - then in adolescence he will be at risk for alcohol, smoking, drugs, etc.

It’s very hard to believe that this is not a scam, really...
But if it’s not a scam - leave the child alone with yoga, swimming pool and English, all this is hysterics/manipulation, etc. - he will take revenge on you for trying to make him into a “trained monkey”. And here I am completely on his side, I would also “kill” such parents

mother-in-law is a manipulator. Relatives. Family relationships. My mother-in-law is just a clever manipulator. I have no more strength!

Discussion

I think you're just jealous. It's not bad, it just torments you. I suggest that you also get yourself a disease and fall into attacks in the same way.

I don’t know, I usually tell my husband what I think so that he doesn’t have unnecessary questions about why I, for example, didn’t want to communicate with his grandmother for some time or something else. As for visits - don’t go like that, that’s the problem, he’s a son - let him go and congratulate you, while you’re offended, it’s better not to communicate, why get on each other’s nerves? But, naturally, all this must be done under a plausible pretext; there is no point in entering into open confrontation. And the fact that a person manipulates others with their health happens quite often... there are people who like to “vampire” on other people’s emotions, it’s difficult to actually fight this, just distance yourself and not trust any secrets..

How to live with a manipulator??. Wife and husband. Family relationships. How to recognize that you are being manipulated. A quiet, obedient child turns into hysterics, the husband leaves the family...

Discussion

While I was reading all the statements, I remembered MY case (and thought - maybe the “dog is buried” here?). The reason for my action was my husband’s absolute lack of attention to me, all I heard from him was: “mom, mom, mom...” (i.e. my mother-in-law) against the backdrop of my former colleague’s unexpectedly violent passion for me (I quit from there). This former colleague I was looking for my company every day, and something incredible began to happen between us (passion, probably). We obviously didn’t have enough conversations and coffee, and he diligently began to invite me to the restaurant. To which I, a faithful wife, was offended and refused him. But he did not retreat, and this continued for two or three months. One day (and my husband drinks only on holidays), while walking home from work, I ran into my husband, well, just NONE, he was accompanied by a friend from work, who had thrown a party about buying an apartment. My husband didn’t let me sleep until almost the morning - he had health problems. I thought, why am I refusing several months to a man who sometimes just drives me crazy, and my husband gets drunk at work without me for no reason? And I told him that it was evening at work, and I went with MCH to a restaurant (I note that it was fabulous, but my husband was very worried because I returned late).
So I thought, if your husband just wanted to meet with friends, then maybe he wouldn’t start such a scandal, maybe a woman is involved, then you need a reason, really, just like that, only the most lawless person would do such a thing. But this probably doesn’t matter to you...

Yes-ah... All these manipulators are basically like two peas in a pod. I had a similar character. My conclusions:
1) the guilt complex in you is lovingly cultivated for one simple reason: his lack of confidence in his own strengths/irresistibility/sexuality, etc. (must be emphasized). Because if you are always to blame, then it becomes much easier to manipulate you (naturally, in order to achieve your goals) - a vicious circle.
2) he is afraid of losing you (even without IMHO, I’m just sure of it), which is why you are regularly informed that you are hysterical, scandalous, always crying, it’s impossible to live with you, etc. Subtext: she will be convinced that NO ONE needs her except his one and only (and even then, he just condescended to her, because, they say, he loves her very much) and will not get away from him ANYWHERE.
3) his pride and pride are amused: you always ask for forgiveness, even if you are not to blame. For primitivists, the phrase “the one who comes first is to blame” is always relevant.

Try to play out at least one situation not according to the traditional scenario. It doesn’t matter how, the main thing is that it’s different. For manipulators, such actions really pull the rug out from under their feet. This is if the need to maintain such a relationship is very great.
But, believe me, you shouldn’t live with it and try to do something. Because there are simply normal relationships between a man and a woman without any such quirks, no matter how much you doubt it now. The case described in the topic is probably just a tiny part of the iceberg that you have discovered. And the fact that you now understand all the ins and outs of his actions already indicates that you are on the right path:0) I wish you good luck. It is very difficult to get rid of such people, they will never let their victim go in peace, just like that, without completely exhausting all the nerves, they are very good at “putting pressure on the psyche”, in addition, they have studied you very well, they know all the sore spots and will not take advantage of it . But they wrote to you correctly that only when you are freed will you understand what a nightmare you lived in. And that there is a much more pleasant life.