Supports in a person's life. Find a point of support within yourself

Dear forum users, good day!
I would like, with the help of the forum, to understand some points that periodically bother me. I would be grateful for your help in finding answers. This is not my first topic; I see huge progress in my emotional state and life in general, but there are some points that still cause discomfort.
My requests to the forum:
1. How to understand what I am (my character) and what I want? It may sound strange, but very often I cannot determine what I want, what my opinion is on this or that matter (this leads to anger at myself).
2. The second follows from the first question: what to do with the feeling that you are not like everyone else? (in a bad way), that is, a feeling as if something is wrong with me. A rather difficult feeling, similar to the fear of being rejected, is possible. That is, the feeling that everything is on topic, but you are not. I often don’t understand what people are talking about, which makes me react slowly; in general, it’s quite difficult to describe, but it can be noticeable from the outside and is felt well by me.
3. Is it possible to become a calmer/peaceful person through willpower? Probably, the question is again related to the first one, since I would like to understand my character. And I can sometimes behave (and feel) diametrically opposite and I don’t know how normal this is. Usually, by looking at people, one can well describe and predict behavior, reaction, character. But for some reason I remain incomprehensible to myself. For example, it’s very easy for me to get used to the role. This is the opinion of others, not mine (this opinion is very large quantity people, I’m voicing their words, not my opinion) - many say that I have acting talent, they often ask why I didn’t go to the theater. Transformation and play are very easy. Many people around me are surprised to see me on stage, they say that they didn’t know that I could be like that. It’s always been like this; I’ve heard it from everyone since childhood. I guess I always hold back a lot of things. But this confuses me even more.
I would like to value and accept myself more, although this desire probably sounds rather abstract.
Probably the main thing is how to hear your desires, needs and be confident that I am OK, and not in constant fear of receiving a negative reaction from the outside. Because the reaction from the outside, telling me that I am not completely OK, drowns me for some (sometimes long) time (a strong feeling of rejection, I want to hide from everyone, that I seem to be contagious and not acceptable, wastes resources and time).
Sometimes I stress myself out too much when the situation is not worth it, I reflect too much and don’t know how to get rid of it. I compare myself with others and the comparison is most often not in my favor; I try to adopt certain manners of communication and behavior from those who are nice, but for some reason they don’t stick. And without them, it’s as if she’s naked, unprotected.
Because of such an insecure state, there is a fear of having children, that is, a feeling as if there is no fulcrum on which one could rely in oneself and feel it constantly.
When I watch/hear stories about children - how harmful, self-confident, unfriendly they are - and I’m scared that my child is unlikely to be so strong and strong-willed, narcissistic, arrogant, and confident. And this fear that he might be offended and that he will feel morally bad, lonely, and damaged - simply discourages him from having children. This is probably something of mine, but very powerful.

We all have to deal with toxic people at some time or another. It's about about people with manipulative tendencies, making subjective judgments and inconsiderate to the feelings of other people. Communicating with such members of society can be very uncomfortable, especially if you are forced to see each other every day.

But first, let's define who these toxic people are. Here are 9 signs of a toxic person.

1. They talk more than they listen.

Toxic people have narcissistic tendencies and are unable to focus on anything other than themselves. This is contrary to the Buddhist worldview, in which compassion and kindness towards others (and oneself) are of paramount importance.

2. They think they are never wrong.

Everything they say is right, and everything you say is wrong. Toxic people do not want to learn and react very harshly to criticism.

3. Drama follows them everywhere.

They always experience some kind of tragedy. But if you offer advice, they will simply say that it won't work.

4. They build all relationships for show.

All their love affairs are ostentatious, since they do everything only so that other people can see it. They don't know how to simply enjoy relationships.

5. Them personal experience- this is the standard with which they compare everything.

They evaluate all things based on their personal life experience. For example, if they hate yoga, then it is 100% a waste of time and there is no point in arguing with them.

6. They often lie.

To some extent, they benefit from their lies, so they lie without a twinge of conscience.

7. They lack tact when communicating with other people.

Some of the signs of toxic people are a lack of empathy and a feeling of superiority over others. They are proud of their honesty, so they never bother choosing words when they want to achieve something from others.

8. They try to control other people.

They want you to act in a certain way for their benefit.

9. They love to talk about others.

They love to mock others behind their backs in order to increase their own self-esteem.

“The deeper your awareness of the present moment, the calmer you will be towards manifestations of hostility. And the more you think about it, the more deeply you will understand how much this person must suffer inside to behave this way. This knowledge will allow you to treat these people with the necessary degree of empathy and compassion, which will enable you to remain as calm as possible when dealing with them.

After all, with enough compassion and insight, you can easily put out the fire of hostility... When people see that they are being treated well despite hostility, they themselves will change their behavior in better side. By helping them get rid of the poison that sits inside them, you are thereby helping yourself, since in the end you will see another person who is disposed towards you in a positive way.”

Entrepreneur and marketer Dan Waldschmidt shares provocative and sometimes sobering ideas on how to improve your business on his blog. Here are 26 more such ideas. (In the original, the tips are selected according to the letters of the English alphabet.)

Achieve more. Get things done. Stop starting - start finishing.

Believe in more. Remember that you have the strength to conquer the world.

Communicate more. Stop thinking that everyone already understands you. Share with people what motivates you.

Admire more. Bring the world a sense of wonder and excitement. Be unexpected.

Impact more. Help others recognize the changes they want to make.

Give more. Live for the love of others. Give to others as much as you would like to receive.

Help more. Lend a helping hand even when you need both hands to do your own thing.

More innovation. Be a creator, a puppeteer and an artist. Design something beautiful.

Unite more. Help people, ideas and opportunities find each other. Connect them.

Get on your knees. Humility will take you further than arrogance and the tendency to blame others.

Learn more. Never be satisfied with what you (think) you know. Open your mind.

Achieve more in more. Take the resources you have and tailor them to your needs.

Cherish and grow. Attract good people in a great relationship. Let people be your priority.

Be a pioneer. Leave your mark. Take risks and move into the unknown.

Make more boundaries. Learn to say “NO” to good opportunities that don’t offer you great prospects.

Repair more. Fix all the “people problems” in your life. Fix your financial problems and sort out your health.

Specialize more. Do one thing well - instead of doing a dozen things poorly.

Experiment more. Press all the buttons. Turn all the handles. Formulate your own conclusions.

Discover more. Stop paying attention to superficial problems - look into the soul.

Win more. Stop losing. Start doing things that bring quick wins.

Analyze more. Be honest about your intentions and motives.

Shout more. Speak out loud and loud about what matters most to you.

Turn around more. See what everyone else thinks is necessary for you and do the opposite.

When we feel unhappy, there is no need to despair. We need to gradually change our thinking and behavior so that these changes bring us closer to happiness.

At such moments, moving forward, continuing your path in life becomes difficult if there is no serious motive to do so. But such a motive is not difficult to find, it is you yourself.

When we don’t care about satisfying our emotional needs, when it seems to us that nothing depends on us, the world seems to turn upside down.

You can try to cheer yourself up, you can tell yourself “time heals everything, the dark streak will pass...”, but this doesn’t really help. We need to “take fate into our own hands.”

Yes, there are times when nothing makes us happy. But you can’t let bad moments turn into a bad life...

We'll explain how to do this.

Strategies for situations when nothing makes you happy

If nothing makes us happy, if we feel that for three months we will have to live in a terrible mood, with insomnia, with apathy, with loss of interest in everything, we should consult a doctor.

It is quite possible that we have depression, and we need to consult with a specialist who will make a diagnosis and tell us how to deal with the disease.

The diagnosis of depression may not be confirmed. In any case, the strategies we will discuss will be useful.

Be aware of your rhythm: everything happens slower now

We feel bad, we cannot and should not hide it. Why smile and pretend that everything is fine when we are sad and feeling apathetic?

Don't try to fake feelings you don't feel.

• You have the right to be sad and sad. Negative emotions also bring certain benefits; they show us that “something in our life needs to be changed.”

Recognize that your mind and body now operate more slowly. They seem to tell us that there is no need to rush, but that we need to delve deeper into our thoughts in order to understand what is happening and find a way out of the current situation.

Focus not on how you feel, but on what needs to be done.

In this state, you often feel angry, sad, you want to sleep, and then talk to someone.

You need to focus your attention not on what you feel, but on what needs to be done.

• I need to look good.
• I need to be alone.
• I need new dreams.
• We need to start all over again.
• You need to stop being sad.
• I want to be needed by people.
• I want me to have high self-esteem.

Do something every day to make you feel better.

You cannot improve your condition instantly. You need to work on this constantly, gradually changing your thinking and behavior.

These small daily actions improve our emotional condition, and we gradually begin to feel better.

To be happy, you need to be able to give up some things and even people. This is not always easy to do and requires some courage.

• We must learn to listen to our needs, to our conscience. Then we will be able to understand that certain things contradict our essence, they do not allow us to be happy.
• Refusing also means completing certain stages, life “cycles.” It is important to be able to identify what no longer brings us anything good, does not enrich us, what makes us feel bad.
• It is often no one's fault that we are unhappy. Or rather, our fears and self-doubt are to blame, which close the door to happiness for us.

Learn to identify these internal “pests” and get rid of them. There shouldn't be any effort involved.

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Some people think you are dominant. Some people just think you're rude. But none of them are right. These words don't really reflect your personality.

Strong people don't need to win, they just don't want to let other people get in their way. Of course, some people may be afraid of you. But that's only because they don't understand how you can be so comfortable with yourself that you don't need anyone else.

Here are eight signs that you have a strong personality that might intimidate some people.

1. You don't like excuses.

Strong personalities do not tolerate excuses. When you are a strong personality, you don't want to listen to people who are bored about everything. You're better off focusing on what you can do and how you can overcome obstacles to do more.

2. You care about what you put into your life.

How strong man, you do not rely on other people, you clearly understand “who” you are, “why you are needed” or “what you can do.” You recognize that some people need to do the same in order to feel better.

3. You hate talking about nothing.

Useless conversation is terrible. If you are a strong person, you have a lot of ideas. You don't want to waste your time gossiping about people when you could be changing the world.

4. You cannot tolerate insensitivity, idiocy, or ignorance.

Strong personalities are the result of being caring and informed. There is a huge difference between them and dominants.

Because you've spent time and effort using your brain, you hate it when people make snap judgments about things they know nothing about. This is probably yours best quality, but not because you can use your knowledge to influence people. This is because you can use it to encourage people to actually think about what they are saying before they do it.

5. You know how to listen

Strong personalities know how to listen. You'd think people would appreciate it. But in reality, being heard and encouraged is a fear for people who are not used to it.

6. You don't need attention

Strong personalities don't need attention. Most people you meet think you excel at charisma, but that's not true. The amount of communication you have is off the charts, not because you want it, but because people need people like you.

7. You are fearless

Okay, that's not true. There are probably a couple of things that you are afraid of. But the difference between you and other people is that you don't let that fear dictate how you live your life.

8. You strive for growth and development.

Insecurity is an opportunity for you to do better. You know you're not perfect, but if you try to learn and grow, despite the risk of looking stupid.

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I recently received three emails with the same message: “I’m ready to start over.” This synchronicity caught my attention and made me think. All three people described in detail situations from their lives, and all three simultaneously asked the same question:

“I don’t know what to do, where to go, I only know that I want to be successful... But what should I do?”

Obviously, it is not so easy to find an answer to such a radical and open-ended question. But I'll try to do it - for all of us. I offer you 5 principles and strategies that I live by myself. These are 5 ways to change your life at any age.

1. Focus less on the future and more on today.

I agree, it’s absolutely normal to plan for your future. But - not to the detriment of today. The truth is that no matter how smart you are, and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to accurately simulate your Tomorrow. Even people who always have a carefully thought-out plan (for example, all the steps to become a doctor, run a business, etc.) actually cannot predict what awaits them along the way. It would be naive to hope that everything will turn out exactly as you planned.

Life rarely goes according to plan. For every person who set a goal for himself and walked towards it unhindered until he achieved it, there are hundreds of those who started strong and confident, but never reached the finish line. And if this happened to you, it's okay. Unforeseen circumstances and new opportunities may appear in front of you like mushrooms after rain.

Perhaps in order to correct your perspective, strengthen your determination, and perhaps to help you understand that you are going the wrong way and should turn around. It is possible that the place you find yourself in tomorrow does not even exist today. For example, just 10 years ago it was impossible to imagine that you could make a career at Google, Facebook or Twitter.

So, if you can't plan for your future, what should you do? Focus less on the future. Focus on what you can do today, no matter what Tomorrow brings.

Read. Write. Learn new things and practice them. Test your new skills and ideas. Create something new. Work on your relationships. All this will help you when you encounter unforeseen circumstances in the future.

One of the best ways to get started with all this, I think, is to do or create something, even very small, in your free time. Most people spend their free time on things that are completely useless for their lives - watching TV, playing video games, social media And so on. One year of such pastime - and you will have absolutely no ideas or desires left.

But if you draw every day, or learn graphic design, or write a blog, or open and run your own YouTube channel, or write a business project, or spend more time with people with relevant skills... in a year you will be able to create something or do. In addition, you will receive a colossal life experience, because you can proudly say: “I created this and that that many people cannot do.”

It should be noted that this is possible not only for young, easy-going people, but also for each of us - regardless of age. It’s very simple: every day take at least a small step in the right direction, day after day, and so on for the rest of your life.

2. Focus on the journey itself, not the achievements.

We gain the most valuable experience in life not in achieving something, but in searching for ways and solutions. The most important thing is your journey to the endless horizon, when goals move with you, and you are calm and confident.

Why do we have to constantly move forward, move from one point to another? To understand the difference, to realize how the previous one differed from the next one, to see what is between the two points of your path. In the process, a lot of wonderful things will happen to you: you will meet your love, you will become stronger, you will gain invaluable experience. It is impossible to achieve all this without moving forward, without your journey through life.

In other words, the right journey is our destination.

3. Do difficult things.

If you want to stop growing and stop, make up an excuse for yourself. Lots of excuses. And, conversely, if you want to get out of this “trap,” do things that literally push you out of your comfort zone. Do something you've never done before.

There is no reasonable justification for not doing this. Not a single one - to repeat the same mistakes with enviable persistence. Life is too short. You must finally throw off your shackles and feel free.

One of the most important skills you can acquire in life is to learn to be comfortable outside of your comfort zone from time to time. Because truly worthwhile and magnificent things come into our lives only this way - hard, painfully, with effort.

Acquiring each new skill is not easy. Building a business is hard. Writing books is difficult. Getting married is also not easy. And raise children too. And keep in good physical shape. Everything is not easy and requires our efforts and efforts.

If you don't learn to do difficult things, you won't do or achieve anything.

How to achieve all this? Purposefully do things that are difficult for you every day. Start with the smallest things and gradually increase the complexity of the tasks. Start with 10 minutes if you find it very difficult at first.

Practice every day for a month until you reach a slightly more difficult level. Try, for example, meditating or practicing writing every evening for at least 10 minutes - for starters. When you feel that the level of discomfort has decreased, you can increase the time of exercise.

4. Make peace with uncertainty.

Developing the skill of “implementing difficult things” is directly related to the feeling of uncertainty. For example, if you decide to start your own business, which is commendable and wonderful. But if you are afraid of uncertainty, you may miss a lot.

You cannot know for sure how things will go, and in order to quickly respond to all challenges, you need to use new opportunities: come up with new projects, make new acquaintances. All this, of course, only adds uncertainty.

But if you accept uncertainty, you will open up a sea of ​​new possibilities. Of course, no one promises that it will be easy...

Sometimes you won't even fully understand which direction you're going. Each step will be difficult and will seem impossible. But you must remember that as long as you follow your intuition and take at least a small step towards your goal every day, your internal GPS will lead you to your destination.

You will realize that you good man and you do everything right. That you are in the right place at the right time. Trust your instincts (intuition). Relax. You know what you're doing. Living is learning along the way.

Don't forget: life is a pretty risky business. Every decision you make, every initiative, every step is a risk. Even in the morning, when you get out of bed, you are already taking quite a bit of risk. In truth, life is about being aware of this risk and accepting it, and never fooling yourself. The choice is small: either do not get out of bed, consoling yourself with illusory safety, or take risks and live.

If you simply ignore your feelings and allow uncertainty to defeat you, this is bad. After all, you will never know anything for sure. And this uncertainty is even worse than finding confirmation of your worst guesses. After all, if you are wrong, you can always correct everything and continue the path forward, without looking back and without fear of what awaits us ahead.

Afterword: When you learn to accept discomfort and uncertainty, you will be able to handle absolutely anything. You will be able to do what you were afraid to even think about yesterday. For example, travel the world and blog about it, write a book, start your own business, move to another city, learn to play some musical instrument, change your profession, sail to the island of your dreams with your family and much, much more. You don't have to wait years to do this. You can do this now, but with one condition - you will have to accept discomfort and uncertainty. Well, remember: better late than never.

5. Work on your relationships with other people.

There are people whom you consider good, and there are those whom you absolutely dislike. There are fake and hypocritical ones, and there are real and sincere friends. There are people who hurt you to the core, and there are people who will help heal these wounds. It's up to you to decide who you spend your time with.

True friends are always honest, they will always come to your aid - exactly at the moment when you need it most. Maintain relationships with people who support you and keep their word.

The truth is, if you spend your time on bad and unnecessary relationships (personal or professional), and vice versa, you spend little time strengthening good relationships, you will fall into the trap of fleeting romances and superficial friendships. Understanding this will still overtake you one day, so carefully analyze your relationship.

How to build healthy, lasting personal and professional relationships? How to find friends with whom you will grow and become better? How to meet the right people?

Have a conversation! Talk to a lot of people every day, even if it's uncomfortable for you. Bosses. Colleagues. Subordinates. Professors. Workers. Mentors. Neighbours. Friends. Friends of friends. Everything! This is how a “network” of your people is built.

I had three jobs after graduating from college (then I started my own business), but I was only interviewed by my first employer. The other two offered me a job without wasting time on conversation. At the same time, they were guided only by the recommendations of the previous employer. And this is normal practice: ask those you trust about a person.

If you start building a “network” of your people today, it will work for you for many years to come. You will meet familiar acquaintances, new colleagues former colleagues etc. This is like a snowball effect and should continue throughout your life.

Again, don't think that this only applies to young people who easily make new acquaintances. This can be done easily at any age. There would only be a desire.

The main thing is to be sincere and honest in any relationship. When someone gives you the opportunity to work for them, their greatest fear is that you will not live up to their expectations. Therefore, people who are always honest and care about their reputation have better chances in life. Try to always be open and sincere in your relationships with everyone. If mistakes are pointed out to you, have the courage to admit them and work on them. Try to look beyond your personal or professional relationships when evaluating people—whether they're your boss or your subordinate.

If you adhere to these principles, you will easily gain a good reputation and build healthy and strong relationships with other people. And this is The best way get Good work, investing in your business or making a good friend.

Afterword

If you adhere to the principles described in this article, your life will change dramatically. You will be able to do and achieve much more than other people. There is no need to even compare here. You will have a lot of new opportunities: build a career, create something incredible with someone, come up with a business idea, acquire skills for your further growth, etc.

Of course, you don't have to do all this and choose the easiest path in life. Thus, we continue to move along the usual circle of old problems and despair.

Or you can start making changes already from today, and make sure that the world around you is also changing.

Support points are what allow us to feel confident and calm.

External support points are what can cause addiction because it is in the external world: the approval of other people, their opinions, their tips and advice, compliments, support, help, protection, love. These are always fragile and temporary things that we are afraid of losing.

Internal support points are what we can find inside ourselves and cannot lose in any way, because it is always with us. This is our inner resource, our inner peace, the support of our family, our connection with God, our own intuition and wisdom, our skills, our ability to build relationships with people and our ability to bring real benefit to other people.

The most important element spiritual development is the transition from external points of support to internal ones. We stop relying on the external, temporary and instead rely on the internal, eternal.

For example, we develop our own intuition and wisdom, we understand that it is much more adequate than the opinions and advice of other people, and we begin to trust it.

For example, we learn what the love of God is, what the support of our family is, and these sensations allow us to stop urgently needing the “love” of parents and other people in the form of their approval and good attitude towards us. We have found love within ourselves, and it becomes a fulcrum.

Internal support points do not provide absolute independence. We are always dependent on other people, there is nothing wrong with that. We are social beings, we live off each other, helping each other, interacting, exchanging values.

What kind of independence do internal support points provide?

For example: you do not know how to create value for other people, in this case you depend on that person who agrees to pay you money for at least something. You will be afraid of upsetting this person because you are afraid that he will kick you out. And then you may not find someone who will pay you at least the same amount. You don’t know what it is about you that makes you wealthy. Therefore, your fulcrum becomes another person who is currently paying you money. And it's scary.

But if you know how to do something very useful, which few people can do, and you realize this value, then you have no fear and no anxiety. You feel confident, you are not afraid that you will be fired or kicked out, because, firstly, this is unlikely, because you know what value you provide, and secondly, you will instantly find other people who are ready to pay you no less. Notice that you still seem to be dependent on other people. But at the same time you are at peace and confident. Because your fulcrum is not other people, but your ability to benefit people, with which you will always be secure and free enough.

If a woman is not yet capable of this, she will be jealous of her husband, she will be afraid that he will not give her the necessary abundance and security, that he may leave her, she begins to nag him, etc. Because the husband in this case is the external support point.

Where there is an external point of support, there is always a fear of losing, a desire to hold on and control.

What is inside us does not need to be contained or controlled. It's impossible to lose.

The fulcrum in this context is a spiritual concept, which means its apparent invisibility. But even if we draw an analogy with the laws of physics, we can see that the fulcrum of any object relative to the surrounding space is located only in the object itself. Various forces can act on it, and the object itself can have characteristics and properties that distinguish it, but the support is always located in it itself, even if it varies in quality.

A person’s fulcrum is a spiritual concept, not a physical one, firstly, because a person is alive and has a soul. This is what distinguishes it from the subject and makes the methods of finding a fulcrum somewhat more complex.
A simple example, but understandable. If the safety of an object depends only on what external forces act on it, then a person’s safety depends on his ability to correctly use his fulcrum in various situations, since a person, first of all, has a will and can use this will purposefully. But humans, just like everyone else on the planet, are affected by certain laws. These are physical laws and laws of the universe; there are, of course, laws of society, which also have a certain influence. How much various schemes and laws! And where should we look for this fulcrum so that the influence of such laws does not turn us into an uncontrollable mass?

This fulcrum is within us. It has an energetic property. It cannot be called either will, or faith, or soul. Such a fulcrum is something invisible, but it allows a person not to become dependent on any phenomena, situations, people, or idols.
For example, it happens that a person considers his work to be a fulcrum; he has merged it with own life, fate. In other words, for such a person work is life, or at least one of its most important components. For a person who has an internal fulcrum, losing a job is, of course, painful, but he understands that it is replaceable, that he can earn money and self-realization in other places. A person will start a new business or get a job in another company. If work was a fulcrum for him - something on which he relied, giving meaning to his life, then with the loss of a position or business, the meaning of life goes away.

The internal fulcrum does not depend directly on external circumstances. Let us now try to examine this point within ourselves, to feel it.
Let us notice in what cases we feel most comfortable energetically. Through simple experiments, we will understand that we allow our strength and energy to flow away if we concentrate on how we are assessed, when we direct our thoughts to things that seem important to us (or rather, to our ego), but are secondary in essence for ourselves.
This is again a simple example, but it clearly shows where our energy flows. It leaks to other people when we react to an emotional challenge from the outside, because mentally we share our strengths with them when we give an emotionally rich (vivid) reaction to them. The lower the quality of the emotions we exchange, the worse we will feel. If we react to an insult, some obvious provocation aimed at taking energy, then we accordingly connect to the energies of the lower astral, which cannot give anything in return except dependence. In this case, a loss of support occurs.
Such loss occurs in many other cases. There can be many examples and situations. It makes no sense to list all the possible ones. But this does not mean that you need to isolate yourself from the world, you need to be able to distinguish your states, distinguish the quality of energy, be able to work with your body and pass certain energy through yourself - you can learn this.

How to find a foothold within yourself?

There is no need to be secretive at all, because this can also cause dissatisfaction. But the energetic trick is to not do or say anything too brightly. Only we ourselves should have a feeling of the importance of what we do. What is important here is our thought energy and where we direct it, without depending on anyone or anything.
Now, understanding (realizing) our state, whether it is yours or brought from outside, we acquire the opportunity to work on ourselves without disappointments and illusory ideas with the knowledge of the nature of things and the fact that in nature there are no permanent states, they need to be changed, improved, developed, constantly something then achieving, setting goals.

This very point of support lies in a harmonious energy state, balance. Imagine what exactly you currently lack for such balance. Energy may be in short supply or in excess. It remains to decide what is necessary - to replenish energy or spend a little. Much depends on your personality type and the state in which you are. We can only say that a person’s negative states take away his energy. A fulcrum is a state in which nothing influences us, and we ourselves know how to return ourselves to a state in which we influence the situation in the right way, harmoniously manifesting ourselves. (c) based on Irina’s article (Samopoznaniye)

“To be, to exist in this world already means to have a relationship with it. And just as we relate to the world in general, we relate to everything that surrounds us. After all, parents, people familiar and unfamiliar, and all objects and animals are part of the world. But the matter is not limited to simply existing in given circumstances. Relationships with the world are, first of all, about understanding the rules of the game called life.

Surprisingly, only Martin Heidegger developed this topic in philosophy at the beginning of the twentieth century*. He described such rules by calling them “existentials.” These are the conditions under which we exist in the world, “the givens of our existence.” After all, we end up in a situation that we did not choose. Gender and era, parents and nationality, social class and even, for example, the city in which we live - we do not choose any of this. Therefore, our task is to accept these givens. And even if we are planning to move to another city or want to break into a different social class or even change gender - first we must accept that we now live in this city, were born a man or a woman... Then we can understand that this does not suit us , and try to change, but it all starts with acceptance. Heidegger saw the essence of acceptance as stopping to be afraid of one's circumstances and learning to look at them calmly.

Our relationships with the world are formed in the first seven years of life. The second seven years are dedicated to our relationships with other people. In the third, we build relationships with ourselves. First, the child discovers the world and learns to interact with it. The model for such interaction is his relationship with his mother: for the baby, the mother is the world. After one and a half years, other factors also come into play: trust in the world arises not only thanks to parents. In the end, a relationship with him is a personal decision for each of us. We have the freedom to trust the world.

The word “trust” is used here for a reason. Remember how you perceive reality Small child. He either cuddles up to his mother, or, making sure that he is safe, goes off to explore the world. And the distance of these “shuttle expeditions” is increasing every time. The child learns that the ground is hard and you can walk on it, that the neighbor’s dog is kind and won’t bite, that the swing in the yard is strong and won’t break. He learns to trust: his mother, nature, people and his own strength.

How is fundamental trust experienced? Here's how: I laid part of my problems on something or someone, on some kind of support - and the support stood! Moreover, there is no obligatory love and joy, there is only the experience of relationships with people who accepted me. So, I can be and they let me be!

Our whole life, our relationship with the world is the search and creation of supports on which we can place part of the burden of our life. We find friends, learn a profession, start a family. The support can be the structure in which we work, relationships with colleagues, our abilities and interests, people and groups of people... One of the most important supports is our own body. We feel well-rooted when we have many supports.

The decision to trust is also related to the realism of our perception. The closer to reality our assessment of this or that support, the less disappointment and the more trust in people and in ourselves. Supports usually fail those who do not agree to accept reality, who want to remake it at their own discretion and do not perceive what does not meet their expectations. The world does not fit into schemes and theories at all. (The only reliable statement about him is that he does not guarantee anything to any of us.) Only an open position of trusting curiosity can save.

By the way, stories about grievances that can be overcome and overcome through forgiveness are always stories about support that did not live up to expectations. And one of the practices of forgiveness is precisely to help a person understand: could someone who turned out to be an unreliable support be able to withstand the load placed on him? Gratitude, on the contrary, is an experience associated with the fact that my support did not let me down. Anything can happen to any of us at any moment - this is one of the main rules of the game. And this is the biggest test of our relations with the world. When all the supports fall, will there be anything left? How can I then be at peace? And can I be? Or will I fall into this abyss of horror and despair, because there are no more supports?

In existential analysis there is the concept of “the basis of being.” We are talking about an experience rooted, as a rule, in previous experience. The experience that even if all the supports collapse, something will still remain. This very complex philosophical construction is nevertheless intuitively understandable to everyone who is content with the phrase: “It has never happened that way.” This is the basis of our existence.

I really like the image of the world as a trampoline stretched over an abyss. You can look in horror through the mesh into the abyss. Or you can focus your gaze on the weaves of this grid itself, realizing that it has withstood us more than once. Yes, she threw us up - so that we clumsily fell on her. But she persevered. And it will endure again. A person with such a focus of vision, with such an attitude towards the world, is well established in life - regardless of everything else. This ultimate experience of trust is often called God by people. But this is not a matter of belief in specific gods. This is a question of our relationship with the world.”

* M. Heidegger “Being and Time” (Academic project, 2013).