How to stop anger. How to control your anger - advice from an experienced psychologist

You need to learn to control anger and irritation. According to the Chinese Wu Xing system, they cause irreparable harm to health. Stop a temper tantrum and irritation can be achieved using a whole range of measures, at the physical and psychological levels.

The destructive power of anger

Anger- this is as powerful a force as it is destructive energy, which is reflected not only on others, but also on the most irritated and angry person.

An outburst of anger and rage causes harm externally and internally, restrained irritation destroys health from the inside, and as always there is only one way out - in the balance of energy “to give and receive.”

Like other emotions, anger originates at the level or thought of a situation and tends to accumulate if it is not manifested immediately.

Negative Health Effects of Anger

• There are many cases where people literally suffocated, choked or choked in a fit of rage and anger.

• Restrained anger and irritation going inside cause ulcers and gastritis.

• The accumulated irritation grows in the form of tumors of the liver and pancreas.

• Anger, affecting the liver, leads to mastopathy and breast cancer.

• Anger can lead to the illness of the person who is hit by an avalanche of rage, hatred and curses.

• Gas and constipation are the result of suppressed anger and irritation.

• Accumulated anger leads to stress, which often ends in sudden attacks.

Chinese medicine, Wu Xing system, irritation and anger

According to the Wu Xing system of Chinese medicine, any emotion, and anger is no exception, originates in the Heart meridian.

Through the Heart Channel, anger and irritation spread to other organs and affect the body from the inside, leading to numerous diseases, according to the teachings of the Five Elements of U-Xing.

As can be seen from the figure, the destructive power of anger originates in the irritated Heart (Fire), enters the Lung channel (Metal), then enters the Liver (Wood) and can ultimately hit the Spleen (Earth).

What are the health consequences of anger according to Wu Xing?

So, anger is fire, which, like a forest fire, quickly spreads throughout the body and destroys all living things in its path.

• When Fire conquers Metal. Anger enters a person’s lungs, he begins to choke, and if the body does not have the strength to remove the irritation to the liver, then fluid begins to accumulate in the pleural cavity, which can lead to death or an attack of suffocation and asthma. Therefore, if there are sick people in your environment, try to protect them from situations that could cause.

• When Metal conquers Wood. If a person's energy level is high enough, then anger is transferred from the lungs to the liver. The liver, if irritation has not been restrained, is the end point of suppressing the energy of anger. A healthy liver easily processes irritation coming from the lungs and dissipates it. Have you noticed how angry and irritable alcoholics whose liver is no longer healthy can be?

• When Tree conquers Earth. Many people suppress the irritation and anger that arises. Then the energy of anger can descend from the liver to the spleen and there are 2 options for the development of events. (1) If a person has a lot of energy, then irritation causes a chain reaction and the spleen begins to actively produce white blood cells. The body temperature rises, the person turns red. Many people who are diagnosed with leukocytosis may have only recently suppressed an episode of intense anger or rage. (2) If the energy level is low, the spleen transfers anger to the stomach, resulting in an ulcer or perforation of the stomach lining. If a person with low energy (under stress) constantly suppresses and accumulates irritation, this can lead to stomach cancer.

• When the anger dissipates in the lungs. Sometimes the suppressed energy of irritation does not affect the lungs, but seems to dissipate in it. In this case, anger enters the paired organ - the intestines, which leads to constipation.

• Irritation and cancer. Often anger causes cancer of those organs that are the target of irritation: liver, spleen, stomach, pancreas, intestines. It is necessary not only to rid the patient of the habit of irritation, but also to change the way of eating, and most importantly the way of thinking and attitude towards life.

CONCLUSION: An attack of anger and irritation can affect the liver. Repressed anger affects the spleen and stomach. Dissipated anger leads to intestinal diseases. If a person's energy level is low, then anger leads to the accumulation of pleural fluid in the lungs. Irritation and anger open the door to many diseases.

How to stop an attack of anger and irritation

Physical and mental ways to stop an attack of anger:

• At body level: unclench your fingers clenched into fists and relax your shoulders, hang lower jaw Without opening your lips, close your eyes for a minute, and then relax your eyes.

• At the breathing level: take a sharp coughing exhale, this will allow you to inhale deeply (as if you are pushing the irritation out of your lungs).

• Physio procedure: To prevent accumulated irritation, after a day filled with stress, steam your feet with mustard and drink raspberry tea. Sweat - the anger will come out through the sweat on your back (Bladder Channel).

• Massage of the Tai Chun point of the Liver channel: to find out where the Tai Chung point is, type in Yandex or Google “Atlas of acupuncture points.” It is located in the depression between the first and second metatarsal bones, 0.5 cun (finger) posterior to the metatarsophalangeal joints. Instead of massage, you can use magnetic vacuum cans on a point on both legs. This is the point of release of excess liver energy, including anger.

• Chinese Xiao-Yao pills: perfectly relieve tension in the Spleen caused by anger coming from the liver. If you suffer from nervousness, insomnia and irritability. If your target organ is the stomach, pancreas or spleen, if you suffer from mastopathy, you can find these pills on the Internet or.

• Self-therapy for anger: difficult, so seek advice from a psychologist or Qigong master.

• On a mental level: It would be nice to work through everything described in detail on this blog.

• SPA procedures: a good Russian bath will make you sweat, tap the Gallbladder canal (on the thighs) and clear your lungs of mucus accumulated as a result of anger.

The energy of anger is perhaps the most powerful of all emotional energies available to a person in his normal state. That is why its active manifestation causes fear and is under an unspoken ban in any society. People with early years the idea is instilled that it is unacceptable to express or even feel the slightest hint of anger.

As I constantly interact with people, I am surprised to find that most of them try to avoid even using the word “anger” in relation to their feelings. They say: “I’m annoyed,” “I’m angry,” “I’m offended,” while hardly anyone will say: “I’m angry.” Anger in the mass consciousness has become something forbidden; it is only permitted when it is righteous.

However, this is just the name of an emotion, and the attitude towards this name quite clearly shows the attitude towards anger in general.

The Chinese believe that anger is a manifestation of wind energy at the emotional level and it seems that they are right, because a person gripped by anger can act as quickly, forcefully and recklessly as never before. Anger comes like a hurricane: a second ago it was not there, and now you are already captured by it. It always requires expression, no matter in word or action.

Any anger, no matter what we call it and no matter what the reason for it, is always a consequence of our desire or fear. When we are afraid, aggression is a form of defense, because it is known that best protection- this is an attack. I have been convinced more than once that the basis of chronic aggressive behavior in both men and women is an attempt to hide from others and themselves a boundless feeling of fear, which regularly fills everything inside with icy cold. By constantly attacking others and giving them threatening signals, such people seem to create a safe space around themselves. But, as a rule, having scared everyone away, they remain alone.

Another reason for anger is desires that we cannot satisfy immediately as soon as they arise. Whatever prevents us from achieving what we want, whatever reason comes between us and the object of desire, we will be angry at this reason. We are walking down the street, and suddenly it starts to rain, and we don’t have an umbrella. We want to stay dry and beautiful and are afraid to get our feet wet, therefore, we get angry and curse the heavens, the weather and our gullibility in the predictions of weather forecasters. We experience sexual desire, but our partner has a headache, or he simply does not want to take the time to relieve our tension, and anger flares up instantly. We pray to the Lord for good luck, but only troubles happen to us - guess who we will be angry with?

The more unfulfilled desires a person has, the easier and faster he becomes angry even at the slightest reason. But this emotion accompanies desire and fear; it does not exist independently. This is an axiom that any person who seeks to understand the causes of their conditions must firmly grasp. Even if it seems to you that you are slightly irritated without any reason, simply because you are tired, believe me: the reason for your irritation lies in the fact that during the day some of your desires did not come true.

The prohibition on expressing anger leads to the fact that, being suppressed, it does not disappear, but, on the contrary, accumulates in the unconscious part of our being and in the body. For example, my boss tells me that I am an idiot who is getting a salary in vain. I would like to explain to him that this is not so and, as it seems to me, if his leadership style had not been so inept, my salary would have been higher. However, the laws of subordination and fear of dismissal force me to remain silent, although anger has already flared up and requires action. But I have to control myself and control my condition. If I lose control, I will begin to respond by raising my voice, maybe even shout at him, and if anger takes over me completely, then I will take it and hit him in the ear. To prevent this from happening, I will restrain my emotions through involuntary, unconscious muscle tension. I will clench my jaw and fists, my shoulders and neck muscles will tense. If I don’t later take out my anger by taking it out on those who obey me, for example, children, then muscle tone will remain elevated. By constantly suppressing anger, my arms will become heavy, my shoulders will become stiff, and my throat and jaw will become tight. The stronger the clamps in the throat and jaw area, the poorer my facial expressions will become, and my face will gradually turn into a mask.

Anyone who is filled with the energy of anger, but does not realize it, is prone to mechanical repetition of various swear words in his speech. Whether it will be swearing or some more literary curses does not matter; their very use indicates large quantities suppressed anger. Constantly searching for the flaws of others and ridiculing them indicates the same thing. Finally, the intonations with which a person speaks show his state: when notes of irritation and aggression constantly appear in them, then even the phrase “I love you” intonationally sounds like “I will beat you up.”

Just as in the case of fear, an excess of anger inside leads to the fact that the first reaction to any news or event will be anger, and after some time feelings more adequate to what happened come. Any dominant emotion will paint a person’s entire existence in its own color: accordingly, a frightened person will seek safety, and an aggressive person will begin to fight with everyone: both with people and with circumstances. It is anger that will influence his mind, maintaining patterns of thinking and perception corresponding to the idea of ​​​​endless hostility, as if this person's whole life was spent in a fighting ring.

Very often, the ban on direct expression of anger gives rise to situations where a person demonstrates his feelings indirectly, bypassing the existing taboo in a roundabout way. Such a manifestation, for example, is resentment. She concentrates what a person cannot say when looking into the eyes of his offender. This is a way of indirectly conveying anger, when one person, through his behavior, shows another that the latter’s actions are unacceptable to him. For example, I wanted my friend to spend a Saturday evening with me drinking beer and watching football, but he refused me without explaining the reasons. I didn’t dare express my complaints to him, after all, he’s my friend, and I don’t know how to express myself like that. However, my expectations do not allow me to easily accept rejection, and my heart is filled with resentment. She will lie there like a stone, forcing me to distance myself from communicating with him, to act coldly until the emotions resolve on their own, or until my friend behaves in such a way that I forgive him.

I have seen people carry on with grievances from many years ago as if they were inflicted yesterday. What could have been resolved immediately by expressing anger at the moment it arose, these people carried within themselves for years, filled with self-pity and suffering. It is unlikely that all this brought them happiness. Resentment is a senseless torment that exhausts the one who cherishes it.

Until we recognize the fact that unexpressed anger destroys us, affecting our health and relationships with people, it will be very difficult for us to overcome the prohibition against expressing anger. Until we see how a mechanism works inside us that forces us to suppress our natural reactions and evoking feeling guilt, if we haven’t coped with ourselves, we won’t be able to change anything.

Suppressed anger demands expression, its pressure from within is so great that at first it is very difficult for us to even look at it. For this reason, it is best to begin working with anger by practicing expression. For example, there is a well-known psychotherapeutic technique in which a person furiously beats a pillow for 20–30 minutes, releasing all the accumulated rage. Another way of expression is described in the second part of Osho’s dynamic meditation: when a person, through chaotic body movements, allows any accumulated energy to be expressed, and anger in this case takes far from last place. The difficulty with these practices is that at the very beginning the mind, accustomed to blocking the expression of anger, will begin to resist and say: “You are being stupid, you look funny, this is disgraceful behavior, etc.” Most people find it very difficult to overcome their psycho-emotional patterns and allow the energy of anger to flow unhindered. It is necessary to understand that the key to success in practice lies in allowing. Your own mind does not allow you to freely express what you have been filled with for a long time. You can tell yourself, your mind, something like this: “I want to express my anger, I want it to pour out completely, I allow it to happen.” The main thing is to overcome the first resistance, it is purely mechanical, the inertia of habit. At this moment, you have to do the exercise through force, feeling that no anger seems to come out of you, that you are wasting your time. Don't fall for this mind trick. Be persistent and keep going. If not the first time, then the second or third time you will succeed, the dam will collapse and the energy will flow in a stormy stream. Then you will feel so much pure, uncomplicated rage in yourself that it will seem to you as if it is enough to destroy half of Moscow in a second.

The ocean of anger that appears before your mind's eye may frighten you, and you will retreat. This is wrong and stupid. Fear is a typical reaction for beginners, because the reality that reveals itself to you most often radically diverges from your ideas about yourself. As long as you are afraid of your anger, it will be your master, but if you get rid of fear, it will become just another emotion, and you will not have to submit to its control.

No matter how terrible the spectacle of anger accumulated inside may seem to you, you should not be upset, feeling sorry for yourself again and again, you just need to continue to work on expressing it every day. Your efforts will be rewarded by the fact that the tension inside will subside somewhat and you will be able to observe how and why you are angry. You will be able to see the whole chain - from desire and expectation to the emergence of anger and its suppression. If you don't understand how your emotion control habits work, you won't be able to break them.

Through the body we can express only part of the suppressed anger; the other part must find an outlet through the channel of speech. Unblocking this channel is a more subtle and difficult task. The easiest way is to scream as an exercise. A wild and frantic, uncontrollable scream should burst out of your chest. It can be short and sharp or drawn out, but as loud as possible for you. Many people fail at this exercise for the reasons stated above. But if you want to get rid of tension in your throat and facial muscles, you need to master it perfectly. This cry should be given easily and effortlessly, so that at any second you can bark so that everyone around you will flinch.

Once you have mastered this skill, you can move on to the next one. The point of this exercise is to begin to sincerely and straightforwardly express out loud your feelings. Our fear of showing our true experiences contributes to their suppression. We are shy and afraid of misunderstanding from others. Therefore, by starting to honestly talk about how we feel in the moment, we work on overcoming the habit of hiding from everyone, including ourselves. By being honest about our feelings, we gain freedom we never knew before and feel empowered. The people around me feel it. Sincerity disarms those with whom we communicate, and most often they have to answer us in kind. By opening up about our feelings, we break down barriers that we ourselves have erected and help others around us to do the same.

This practice helps you learn to express your emotions directly and adequately. Sooner or later, the moment will come when you will be able to express your complaints to someone in a form that will not offend him, but at the same time convey the essence of your dissatisfaction. This is the end of the work with the ban on expressing anger, since the ability to calmly and clearly formulate your claims is a sure sign that you are in control of the situation, and not the situation is you.

The adequacy of our reactions and actions to what is happening at the moment is a sign and criterion of our awareness.

In progress further work we may encounter very deep layers of anger that, whether we express it or not, do not change at all. Like a dark clot, the energy of anger lies in our unconscious, making us ready to fly into rage at any moment. In this case, observing your emotions again helps. This kind of work takes time, it is never quick. By returning to these layers again and again, we simply become aware of them and look at this energy “internally”. And it gradually disappears without a trace, like snow under the rays of the spring sun.

Further work with anger lies in awareness of our motives and desires, with which it is inextricably linked. Whether we like it or not, whether we like it or not, anger does not have its own independent existence - it is always a consequence. Therefore, it is impossible to transform it into compassion without understanding the reasons for its occurrence.

Prolonged anger, stress and hidden resentment damage our adrenal glands and immune system.

Can you remember the last time you were really angry with someone? Were you so angry that you just shook at the thought of this person? Very rarely does feeling angry help us get what we want. Often it works against us, causing unnecessary pain.

Even the most gentle natures can turn into a vengeful scoundrel at some point if they are pushed to do so. Different life situations

make us feel sad, hurt, disappointed and angry. Words of hatred come from our lips, although we would never have thought that we were capable of such a thing. We cease to be ourselves, those calm and sincere people we are used to seeing ourselves as. And no, we don't like who we turn into. Negative emotions destroy us, we need to fight and overcome them.

The same method can be used to deal with all negative emotions. To make things easier to understand, we will use anger as the target emotion that needs to be overcome. Remember that this method can also help you cope with other unfavorable strong emotions such as jealousy, guilt, hatred, regret and fear.

Anger doesn't feel good. Frankly, it's a disgusting feeling. Everything inside us shrinks, we sweat, we react (instead of act) in survival mode. Anger clouds our judgment, causing us to react wildly, relying only on emotions. This happens to all of us. Sometimes the anger is so strong that we simply become afraid of the intense hatred directed at other people. And when we cool down, we first of all wonder how we could allow ourselves to fall into such a state.

Answer: very simple. Let me explain. An emotion is our body's response to a thought that may be caused by an external situation. But we look at this situation through the prism of our ideas. And our prism is colored by mental concepts unique to each of us, such as good and evil, mine and yours, like - don't like, right - wrong. Remember that we all have different lenses, and therefore conflicts when interpreting a situation are inevitable.

For example, if someone loses their wallet, our emotions are not that strong. But if it is our own money, we suddenly begin to feel pain and the desire to regain what we lost.

If we have something that we define for ourselves as “ours,” we will experience moral discomfort if we realize that we have lost something or are at risk of losing it.

It doesn't matter what it is. It could be my wallet, my pride, my money, my house, my car, my job, my child, my stocks, my feelings or my dog. As long as we feel that it is lost to us or there is a threat of loss, we will experience pain in the form of anger or other strong negative emotion.

We experience pain because we have been taught since childhood to think that those things that we have labeled as “mine” are something that defines who we are.

We identify ourselves with a thing and mistakenly believe that if we have lost something, or can lose it, then we will lose ourselves. Suddenly our ego has nothing left to identify with. Who are we? This question causes great pain to our ego. In our souls we feel that we have the right to more: more money , more respect, better job

or a larger house. And we fail to understand that our mind will always want more. Greed is a mental state akin to drug addiction, which constantly grows, blinds us, alienates us from reality, and at the same time convinces us that we are acting wisely.

Common components of anger:

“We believe that we were treated unfairly.” We tell ourselves that we deserve better, and we buy into the fantasy that someone has treated us unfairly.

A loss

– We feel that we have lost something with which we identified ourselves. Feelings, pride, money, car, work.

Guilt

– We blame other people or external situations, considering them the cause of our loss, we blame them for the fact that we became their victim. This guilt is often only in our minds and is a product of our imagination. We are simply unable to see what is happening from other people's point of view. We become deeply selfish.

Pain

- We are in pain psychological stress and anxiety. Pain causes physical reactions in our body that disrupt the natural flow of energy and threaten our state of well-being.

Focus

– We focus our attention on those things that we do not want in our lives, and thereby feed them with energy, because we complain about them with inspiration and repeat our complaints to all those who are ready to listen to us. This creates a kind of vicious circle of anger. “We get more of what we focus on.” And this is true, regardless of emotion.

The interesting thing is that if there are two irritated people who are unhappy with each other, then both feel a sense of loss and injustice. Both feel pain and the need to blame the other person. Who is right? Answer: Both are right and both are wrong.

Why should we work on ourselves and overcome anger?

Negative emotions like anger push our body into survival mode, as if telling our body, “We are in danger.” To prepare us for “fight or flight,” a special physiological change occurs in our body. These physiological reactions interrupt the natural flow of energy in our body, which affects our heart, immune system, digestion and hormone production. Therefore, negative emotion is a kind of toxin for the body that interferes with harmonious functioning and balance.

Prolonged anger, stress and harbored resentment harm our adrenal glands and immune system. In women, overload of the adrenal glands can affect the reproductive organs (uterus, ovaries), causing pathologies that theoretically can lead to infertility.

Is your physical and mental health isn't worth more than all the psychological pressure you voluntarily agree to?

Is it even worth reacting by responding to our own negative emotions and hurt feelings just to temporarily satisfy our pride?

Anger also clouds our judgment and we become consumed by problems and pain. Instead of moving away from them, becoming free from self-inflicted pain, we make irrational, unwise, self-defeating decisions that will make us regret them. In the case of divorces, for example, legal fees alone can eat away savings, leaving both parties unhappy and poor. In this case, no one wins!

Theoretical basis of mood changes.

Do you notice how quickly you can fall into a negative mood? Perhaps a fraction of a second. On the same basis, we can assume that the same amount of time should be required to move into a productive state. However, the problem is that from an early age we were prepared to remain in an unproductive state. No one introduced us to methods on how to change our state to a positive one. Often even our parents didn’t know this, and they still don’t know.

When negative feelings arise, we have two options:

To follow the habitual pattern that we learned as children, to react and allow the negativity to consume us.

Break the pattern that has been built into us and, in doing so, create new roads that will create alternative opportunities for us.

There are actually three ways to break a behavioral pattern:

Visual – Change your thoughts.

Verbal – Change the way you express your thoughts.

Kinesthetic – Change your physical position.

Okay, now let's move on to practice...

How to overcome anger

Some of these methods may be more effective for some, less effective for others. For me, “Look up!” - most effective method(that's why it comes first on this list). I have also noticed good results when using several of these methods at once.

1. Look up!!!

Most quick way change negative feelings and overcome anger - instantly change our physical situation. The easiest way to do this is to change the position of your eyes. When we are in a negative state, we are more likely to look down. If we look sharply upward (relative to our visual plane), we interrupt the negative pattern of sinking into the quicksand of negative emotions.

Any sudden change in physical position will help with this:

• Stand up and stretch, while letting out an audible sigh.
• Change your facial expression, work with your facial expressions.
• Go to a window illuminated by the sun.
• Do 10 jumping jacks in place, changing the position of your arms and legs.
• Do a funny dance as a joke on yourself.
• Massage the back of your neck with one hand and sing the Happy Birthday song at the same time.

Try this the next time you feel in a negative mood or an unpleasant thought comes into your head.

2. What do you want?

Sit down and write down exactly what you want to get out of the current situation. Your task is to describe the end result that you would like to see. Be clear, realistic and honest. Be detailed in your description. Write down even the dates you would like to see results.

if you have clear plan, and you notice that you are having negative thoughts about what you don't want, you can simply focus on that list.

Also, when we consciously do this exercise, we can realize that those random material things that we seemed to need are not necessary.

3. Eliminate from your speech: no, no.

Words like “don’t”, “no”, “can’t” make us focus on what we don’t want. Language and speech have great power and can influence our subconscious, and accordingly, our feelings. If you find yourself using a negative word, consider whether you can replace it with another word with positive value. For example: instead of saying “I don’t want war,” say “I want peace.”

4. Find the light

Darkness goes away only when light appears (for example, light from a lamp, or the sun). In the same way, negativity can be replaced with positivity. Remember that no matter what happens to us on an external level, or how bad things seem to us in our thoughts, we can always choose to speak and see things positively.

I know it's hard to do when you're going through a storm of emotions, but I firmly believe that we can learn something new from every situation we encounter.

Look for your lesson. Find something to gain for yourself in the situation, no matter what it is: something material or mental understanding of something new, or personal growth. Find the light so you can rid yourself of the darkness in your mind.

5. Give in

Give in to our ego's eternal need to be right, to blame, to be angry and vindictive. Surrender in the face of the moment. Give in to the urge to worry about the situation. Become mindful. Monitor your thoughts and learn to separate your thoughts from your personality. Your thoughts are not you.

The game will reach its logical conclusion regardless of whether we give in to emotions or not. Believe me, the cosmos will follow its course, and what needs to happen will happen. If we do not give in, we will simply stress ourselves out for no reason, and as a result our body will suffer.

6. Zone of influence

When we are in a bad mood, we can easily fall into a vicious cycle of negative emotions. We will not feel better if we are around people who also complain about the same problems. It won't make us feel better.

Instead, find a group of people with a positive outlook on life. If we have such people near us, they will remind us of what we already know deep down in our souls, and we can begin to realize goodness and positive sides life. When we are in a bad mood, we can draw energy from them to rise above our problems and negativity.

Just as being around negative people can negatively affect you, being around happy and optimistic people can increase our awareness and help us get out of this unproductive state.

7. Gratitude exercise

Take a notepad and pen and find a quiet place. List (in as much detail as possible) everything you are grateful for in your life: things that happened in the past or present, or things that will happen in the future; these could be relationships, friendships, opportunities, or material acquisitions.

Fill out the entire page and use as many pages as you have things you are grateful for. Be sure to thank your heart and body.

It's a simple yet underrated way to help us focus on what really matters.

No matter how bad things get, we always, absolutely always have something to be grateful for. For that matter, we have the gift of life, we are free to grow, to learn, to help others, to create, to experience, to love. I have also found that meditating quietly for 5-10 minutes before this exercise and visualizing everything on your list after the exercise makes the process more effective. Try it yourself!

9. Breathing techniques for relaxation

Most of us breathe shallowly, and air only enters the upper part of the lungs. Deep breathing exercises will help our brain and body receive more oxygen. Try it:

Sit upright in a chair, or stand up.

Make sure that the clothing does not press anywhere, especially in the stomach area.

Inhale through your nose. Exhale through your mouth.

Place one hand on your stomach.

As you inhale, feel your arm rise as air fills your lungs all the way to your diaphragm.

As you exhale, feel your arm return to its original position.

Mentally count your inhalations and exhalations, gradually align them so that both inhalation and exhalation last the same number of counts.

Gradually add another count as you exhale.

Continue adding counts as you exhale until your exhalation is twice as long as your inhalation.

Repeat this breathing rhythm 5-10 times.

Keep your eyes closed and silent for a few minutes after finishing this exercise.

9. Laugh!

We cannot laugh and be upset at the same time. When we make the physical movement it takes to laugh or smile, we instantly begin to feel cheerful and carefree.

Try it now: smile your most wonderful smile. I need the most sincere and wide smile! How are you feeling? Were you able to feel an immediate surge of joy? Have you forgotten about your problems for a while?

Make a list of movies that make you laugh and keep them at home. Or date a friend who has a sense of humor and can really make you laugh.

10. Forgiveness

I say this to all my vengeful little rascals. I know the idea of ​​forgiving your “enemy” seems counterintuitive. The longer you hold a grudge, the more painful emotions you will experience, the greater the strain on your body, and the more damage you will cause to your long-term health and well-being.

Not being able to forgive someone is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the enemy to die. Only this will never happen.

11. Snap the elastic band

Wear an elastic band around your wrist at all times. Every time you notice a thought that may be drawing you into a sad, negative cycle, click your rubber band. It might hurt a little. But it does teach our minds to avoid such thoughts. Pain is a great motivator.

12. Identify and get rid of your triggers

Sit down and brainstorm a list of cue words and activities that trigger this negative emotion in us. Perhaps it is the word "divorce", or someone's name, or a visit to a certain restaurant.

Commit to yourself that you will eliminate all mention of these triggers in your life. If we know something will upset us, why would we let it happen?

13. Determine for yourself what anger brings.

List all the things you acquired when you were angry. When you're done with the list, go through it and count the number of positive items that truly contribute to your well-being. Oh, and besides, “wanting to make another person suffer and experience pain” is not considered “promoting your well-being.”

This exercise helps us bring more awareness, rationality and clarity to a situation.

14. Strive for completion. Solve the problem

Don’t drag things out just to “win” or “prove you’re right.” This is not reasonable for any of the parties involved.

If we simply give in to external events and consciously choose not to pay any attention to them, this does not mean that we sit back comfortably and allow others to trample on us.

Take actions that will help you take the next step and bring the problem closer to resolution. Be proactive and thoughtful. The faster you solve the problem, the faster you can free yourself mentally.

Anger can cause a person to become angry in front of others, yelling, screaming, hitting, or insulting others. This type of destructive outburst is one of the most powerful in its intensity. It harms you and those around you, physically, emotionally and public relations. If you have difficulty controlling outbursts of anger, then you need to learn to control yourself difficult situations. This will be the best way to achieve a more peaceful life.

Steps

Part 1

Pay attention to physical signs. When your body is under stress, you are likely to experience certain physical symptoms. These include:

• The jaws are clenched tightly and the muscles are tense.
• Headache or stomach pain.
• Increased heart rate.
• You sweat (even your palms will start to sweat).
• The face turns red.
• The body or hands are shaking.
• You feel dizzy.

1. Pay attention to emotional cues. Anger is often accompanied by other emotions. Eventually, the amygdala, your emotional center, begins to send signals to deal with the threat and ensure your continued vitality. It's not surprising that you may experience a flood of other interrelated emotions. These emotions can serve as alarm signals for the fight and flight signal. In addition to anger, the following emotions may be present:

   • Irritation
   • Sadness
   • Depression
   • Guilt
   • Indignation
   • Anxiety
   • Defensive reaction

2. Count to ten. If you feel yourself getting angry and experiencing the signs of anger listed above, you can tell yourself that you don't have to react right now. Mental arithmetic can help you blow off steam at this point. It may seem a little silly at first, but counting really helps keep your mind off things for a long time. for a long time to have time to calm down. Refrain from reacting and give yourself time to sort out your feelings.

   Try to breathe deeply. Try to be alone for a while. If you can, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom, staircase or outside for a while, this will help you feel more comfortable to breathe deeply and calm down.

   • Breathe to a count of four, inhale slowly, hold your breath for a count of four, and exhale for the next count of one to four.
   • Make sure to breathe from your diaphragm and not from your chest. When you breathe from your diaphragm, your belly expands (which you can feel by placing your hand on it).
   • Do this as many times as necessary until you feel yourself beginning to calm down.

3. Repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself. Try saying to yourself something like: “Calm down” or “Relax” or “Don’t be upset.” Repeat this phrase over and over again until you feel your anger begin to dissipate.

   Change your surroundings. If you feel like your blood is boiling, leave. Breathe deeply. If you can walk away from the situation, do so. Without having an object in front of your eyes that makes you angry, you will calm down much faster.

   Try progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation is the process of sequentially tensing and relaxing the entire body. It is believed that by tensing your muscles, you can release pent-up tension in your body. Here is an overview of this method:

   • Breathe for a count of one to four, hold your breath for a count of four, and exhale for the next count of four. Breathe deeply.
   • Start with the muscles of the face and head. Tighten all the muscles in your face, head, mouth and neck that you can for 20 seconds, then relax.
   • Then work your way down your body, tensing and relaxing your shoulders, forearms, back (unless you have back problems), arms, stomach, legs, feet, and toes.
   • Now rock back on your toes, feeling relaxed from your head to your toes.
   • Take a few deep breaths and enjoy the feeling of relaxation.

4. Find something funny to distract yourself. If you can make yourself laugh, you can change chemical reaction in your body. You can use your mind and imagination to imagine all sorts of ridiculous situations that might make you laugh, especially if they are not petty or sarcastic.

   • For example, let's imagine that you are in a situation where your boss is angry with you for something. Instead of fuming while sitting at your desk, you can dispel your anger by imagining that your boss has the head of a fish and is yelling at you with his fish mouth open. However, it is important not to laugh or smirk if you are still talking to your manager. This may make the situation worse.
   • You can even use this method if you have lost your temper. Using something that can make you laugh can help you calm down in that moment. You can then more effectively use other techniques, such as problem solving, to come up with a solution to the situation you are faced with.

5. Practice. Physical exercise can help dispel your anger. Research shows that exercise helps regulate feelings and control emotions in both children and adults. Try exercising when you feel angry or exercise every day to get rid of aggression.

6. Reset your emotions with a good night's sleep. Strong night sleep helps people regulate their emotions. Emotions become difficult to control when we don't get enough sleep. One study found that just a few nights of disrupted sleep in teenage girls increased their levels of negative emotions, as well as their anger.

   • If you have persistent problems sleeping, then you need to see a doctor.

7. Try meditation. Meditation has been proven to be effective for emotional regulation. It has long-term effects on the amygdala, the emotional center and the part of the brain where, after stressful or dangerous situation a response occurs. Start with deep breathing. You can also combine breathing and mental visualization. Try this visualization exercise:

   • As you inhale, imagine a golden-white light that relaxes you and makes you feel happy. Imagine that this light penetrates your lungs and passes through your entire body. When you exhale, you exhale dirt, dark colors, symbolizing your anger, stress.
   • If you feel like you're having trouble meditating, don't worry. Meditation is a combination of deep breathing, visualization and psychological tasks. But if you feel that it is difficult for you to sit in one place for a long time, or you feel uncomfortable during meditation, you can simply start breathing deeply. This will also create a calming response in your body.

8. Don't be upset if you have more angry outbursts. When people try something new, it doesn't always work out perfectly. This may be true when you are learning new ways to deal with anger. The best way coping with relapses that result in angry outbursts or passive-aggressive reactions is to learn what didn't work. When you are able to see what didn't work, you can reconfigure for next time the actions you typically take to deal with a particular type of anger.

   • The most important thing is perseverance! Celebrate your small achievements, as each one will be a step towards achieving your larger goal, which is fighting anger.

Part 4

1. Focus on communicating confidently. Confident communication emphasizes that both participants in the conversation have important needs. To communicate confidently, you should present facts in a conversation without accusations.

   • For example, you might say, “I was angry and upset because I felt like you underestimated the importance of my project when you made fun of my presentation. I have no idea how things really are, but it seems to me that you are simply not paying attention or not taking my work seriously. I just don't understand what's going on. Maybe we can talk about this?”

2. Be respectful. Using words like “thank you” and “please” is not only polite, it also shows that you respect others. Your phrases should express requests, not demands. To be respected, you must respect others. Then you can develop cooperation and mutual respect. This is the opposite of what happens when you experience anger, in which aggressive, passive, or aggressive-passive communication creates discord between you and those around you.

   • You can start your message by saying, “When you have time, would you…” or “That would be a great help from you... Thank you, I appreciate it!”

3. Be clear. If you mumble and beat around the bush, or do not express yourself specifically, then any interlocutor will get angry. Instead, go directly to the person you need to solve your problem. Be clear about how you see your desired outcome. Don't forget to express this as a request.

   • For example, if your colleague is talking very loudly on the phone and it is making it difficult for you to work, you can ask the following: “I have a favor to ask of you. Could you please speak more quietly on the phone? This greatly distracts from work. I would be very grateful. Thank you".
   • If instead you told everyone in the room, “It's very difficult to work with so much noise in the office,” then that's very vague. Moreover, it will most likely ruin your relationships with your colleagues and will not solve your problem.

4. You also need to convey your feelings accurately. When you think about how you feel, express real sensations, such as pain, and make healthy statements based on that.

   • Here's an example of a lack of confidence in expressing yourself: “I think you lack tact.” This is a judgment about another person (which is not very nice).
   • Instead, stick to what applies to you: “You don’t seem to care about my feelings when you read the newspaper instead of listening to what I’m trying to say.”

5. Strive to solve the problem. Once you understand what triggers your anger, you can temper it and address the thoughts that trigger it. You can then shift your focus to solving the problem. When solving a problem, you do everything in your power to cope with the problem, identifying your feelings depending on the situation, and expressing them in the most effective way.

   • For example, you may feel angry because your child has bad grades on his report card. To avoid an outburst of anger directed at your child, you should try to resolve the issue. This will help you get through this situation.
   • Work through your emotions by taking a few minutes to yourself and breathing deeply. Once your head is a little clearer, you can start thinking about a solution to the problem. You can develop a strategy for talking to your child about their grades, emphasizing that you love them and are there to support them. You may also want to consider options such as finding a tutor for your child or enrolling your child in a learning skills course.
   • You may sometimes have to accept that the solution to a problem will not always be at hand. This is normal, because nothing in life is given to us on a silver platter. Everything in life is much more chaotic. You can't control life, but you can control your attitude towards it.

• Your therapist will likely use relaxation techniques to help you calm down in the middle of a temper tantrum. It can also help you deal with thoughts that may trigger anger and find new ways of looking at situations. The therapist will also help you gain skills to cope with emotions and learn to communicate confidently and assertively.
• You can see a therapist who specializes in solving existing problems, based on the past, for example, overcoming experiences from an abusive or neglectful relationship in childhood, or a tragedy. This can be very helpful in dealing with anger related to past events.
• For example, in the USA you can find a psychotherapist in your area using the database of the American Association of Psychologists and Psychotherapists.

Anger arises from violated expectations. To cope with it, you need to deal not with the feeling itself, but with the reasons that caused it. How to deal with anger? I propose a method of 5 simple steps.

Imagine the situation: two drivers are stuck in a traffic jam, each in their own car. Another car passes by on the side of the road, bypassing the line, and then tries to get into the very beginning, right in front of our heroes. The reactions of the drivers are different: the first one got very angry, swore loudly at the window and did not allow him to get through. A skirmish ensued. The other driver shrugged and turned away. Why did it happen? Why did there be completely different reactions to the same situation?

The answer is really simple: each driver assessed the situation differently. If we assume what exactly they thought, then most likely the first driver thought something like “What an impudent fellow! Why should I stand, but he shouldn’t? He must stand and wait, like everyone else! It's not fair! Now I’ll show him how to behave!” The other driver probably thought something like “Let him climb, I don’t care.”

At the root of anger, anger, rage and irritation are expectations. We expect other drivers to behave fairly and according to the rules. We expect that management will be fair to us. We require ourselves to exercise twice a week. When this does not happen, drivers do not drive according to the rules, bosses criticize unfairly, we Once again didn’t go to the gym - we get angry, annoyed and angry. We can say that we have certain rules regarding “duty”: someone must do something. When such a rule is violated, we become angry to one degree or another. The more important this rule was for us, the more it is connected with something individually valuable, the stronger the attack of anger can be. The easiest way to notice such “shoulds” in relation to other people is: “He has no right to do this!” or “Children must behave normally!”

Attitude to anger and its causes

It is worth noting that people have different attitudes towards anger and its manifestation. Attitudes are influenced by:

• upbringing;
• the cultural environment where the person grew up;
• life experience;
• after all, books read in childhood and much more.

For example, we may learn that feeling anger is bad and wrong and should be suppressed. If we imagine anger as a tightly closed kettle of boiling water, then it is easy to understand how it happens that anger at some point breaks out in the form of intense, exciting, strong feelings. After all, when the kettle sits on the stove and heats up, heats up, heats up, the water slowly boils, but there is still little steam, and it still accumulates inside. The water continues to heat up and eventually boils. There is a lot of steam, he is looking for a way out - and will definitely find it. If you close it very tightly, the steam can break the lid and even explode the entire kettle. It's the same with anger. If you don't let him go out, sooner or later he will explode the kettle. From the outside, for other people it will look like an unexpected, violent outburst of emotions “out of nowhere.”

It happens that people are convinced that it is possible to get angry if your feelings are justifiably hurt - in addition, it is permissible to punish the offender if you are able to do so. Such beliefs, combined with the emotion boiling inside, push towards destructive behavior - aggression. Aggression means not only physical attack, but also verbal attack: swearing, calling names, raising your voice. There are also hidden types of aggression, for example, deliberate passivity or sarcastic comments.

Anger, like any other emotion, positive or negative, is not good or bad. It simply arises in response to how we assess the situation. Anger problems occur when anger occurs too often, too intensely, and disrupts daily life and relationships. We boil water in a saucepan or kettle several times a day, letting the steam escape and controlling the heat, and this is an absolutely normal situation. But if the kettle boiled unexpectedly, on its own, so much so that it immediately exploded, that would be a problem. Or if a boiling kettle attacked those present, trying to pour boiling water over everyone.

If you notice regular or intense outbursts of anger and want to deal with them, then the following exercise is likely to be useful to you. Please note that you may not be able to do it during the actual attack of anger, because the strong emotion blocks thinking. You need to choose a time when you are more or less calm, no one will distract you. In the next critical situation you will remember the most important thing from this exercise. Especially if you practice several times. Such exercises are like playing the guitar: if you just think about playing the guitar, you will never learn how to do it. To play, you need to actually pick up the instrument and start plucking the strings.

Step One: Realize You Have a Choice

Anger encourages aggression. We don't always control the emotion, but what we do with it is what we control. Think about what the consequences of aggression will be? Do you really want these consequences? Are they leading you in the right direction? Will your relationship with the person make you better? If not aggression, then how can we behave differently in order to protect our interests?

Step two: find the rule

Find a “should” rule that has been violated. Words like “must, must, need, must, should” will help you discover it. What exactly went wrong? Who doesn't behave the way you think they should? What do you demand - from yourself, from another person, from the world? Let's call what we discovered “hot thoughts.”

Step Three: Cool Your Mind

Respond to the hot, angry thoughts you identified in the previous step in a more measured, healthy, cool manner. For example:

• Hot thought: How is he Dare you say that to me! He Not has the right to contact me!
• More thoughtful thought: Perhaps he thinks it will be better this way. Maybe he he makes a mistake also a person, but Not robot.

Step Four: Prevent Aggression

Think about what exactly turns thoughts into aggressive behavior. Look for explanations that allow or justify your aggression. For example: “He deserved it” or “Otherwise she will never understand” or “I don’t care anymore, I’m furious.” Such thoughts are like scammers who trick us into doing something that we may later regret. They do not act in our best interests, on the contrary, they push us to throw away moral principles - and make a show of threats, accusations, shouting or even physical attacks. Remind yourself what your retribution will be if you go along with these scammers. Is this what you really want?

Step Five: Calm the Body

Learn to calm your physiology. Anger makes our heart beat, our muscles tense, our blood pressure rises, our breathing quickens. This is an ancient automatic mechanism that helps prepare the body for fight or flight. To calm down, you need to give the opposite “command”: deliberately relax muscle groups that are tense, or slow down your breathing. In a few minutes everything will gradually pass.