The guy is a narcissist. Parental attention deficit

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A narcissist man knows how to attract attention. He is charismatic, smart, knows how to behave well in society and achieve success. There are many women around him who would like to be with him. How lucky will be the one he chooses! Will you be lucky?

When you first meet such a person, it is impossible not to notice his magnificence. He demonstrates a strong facade of success and self-confidence, arouses admiration and a desire to imitate, the desire to follow this person, to learn from him. But few people notice that this is just an outer shell, behind which lies uncertainty and a feeling of inferiority, which forces the narcissist to set the bar of achievement higher and higher each time. Act for show in order to nourish your inner emptiness with the admiration of other people. Due to the fact that in his self-esteem he relies precisely on external confirmation of his importance, and not on his value system, he always has to be in sight and provoke others to respond.

Thanks to the belief in their exclusivity and the need for constant attention, the narcissist can really achieve a lot in life. This type is very common among the elite, managers, people of public professions and occupations - artists, speakers, trainers of psychological groups, popular bloggers.

One of the main motivations for achievement is to be noticed, to show your uniqueness and to receive a reward for this in the form of admiration and followers. The narcissist definitely considers himself special, chosen and very significant person. When there are not enough real achievements to confirm this, he can go into a fantasy world about his limitless success, talent, beauty or fame. Or he turns into an unrecognized genius, offended by the whole world, but who has not given up on his dream of “proving to everyone what he is worth.”

The life of a narcissist is like swinging on a swing. From the state of “I am great” to the state of “I am insignificant.” Vanity, self-confidence, arrogance on one pole and emptiness, falsehood, unbearable shame on the other. He constantly has to prove to himself the right to “be.” This often manifests itself as a desire to constantly compete: "If I'm not better than... then I'm worthless." This is why the narcissist displays dominant, perfectionistic behavior and an undisguised lust for power.

This man is very envious of other people's achievements, but it is difficult for him to admit it. Rather, he will express his envy through contempt and devaluation of the successes of others. He easily sees and talks about other people's shortcomings, but does not want to know anything about his own, so he carefully disguises them even from himself. That is why his façade, which he presents to the world, looks almost perfect. Especially for those who look at it from the outside.

For the same reason, he reacts very painfully to criticism. It can cause both rage in the form of a defensive reaction and a serious drop in self-esteem, a strong feeling of shame and a feeling of insignificance. It is difficult for him to show empathy because he is not ready to face his vulnerability and painful wounds that he hides deep inside. In order to feel another, to show empathy, you need to step back from your self for a while, but it is very difficult for a narcissist to determine where he ends and the other person begins.

It is difficult for him to maintain boundaries in relationships with other people because he unconsciously treats others as extensions of himself. Accordingly, everything that is good for me is good for others. Absolutely, without taking into account the differences. Setting boundaries is often perceived as aggressive by these people because they perceive it as an attack on their freedom of expression.

The narcissist does not notice that he is violating other people's boundaries when he demands to understand him at a glance, asks inappropriate questions, steals other people's ideas, or rushes in with hugs and kisses, forcing others to respond in kind. He often engages in “mind reading”, expressing his version of what a person had in mind, or how he feels about what is happening.

Other people are not perceived by the narcissist as separate and equal individuals, so he can easily treat them as tools and use them for his own purposes without giving anything in return. Sometimes, such a person manipulates people like chess pieces, figuring out how to use one or another of their strengths for his own benefit.

Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to build a partnership with a narcissist in which individuality is valued and each other's boundaries are respected.

Such a man needs a partner who will not have her own ambitious goals; she will be satisfied with the opportunity to be in the shadow of his glory. He appreciates women who know how to praise and do it generously. Of course, the life partner will have to take on the entire burden of household chores and childcare; her man is too grandiose and does not live at all to solve everyday problems. At the same time, he will be a very strict critic if she fails to arrange home comfort the way he imagines it. His message to a loved one is: "If you don't pay attention to my needs, you will feel my wrath." At the same time, he does not take upon himself the responsibility to listen and understand his partner. He demands respect for himself without respecting others.

A woman who has difficulty discovering and defending her boundaries, who finds it difficult to trust her feelings and rely on herself, can live with a narcissist for a long time. Therefore, for the opportunity to be involved in the ostentatious greatness of her man, she is ready to invest in relationships alone, come to terms with the role of a “woman as a function” and define herself not through her own achievements, but through the success of her husband. There are quite common cases when a wife supported her husband all his life, helped him achieve success, and, after he achieved a high position, as a “reward” received a divorce and leaving for another, more representative and younger woman. As bitter as it is to realize, in the eyes of her husband, she has already fulfilled her function, his needs have changed and he without regret rejected her as waste material, without worrying too much about the moral side of this issue or about her feelings.

Behind all this grandiosity and external success of the narcissist, it is very difficult to discern his insecurity and vulnerability. Every person goes through a narcissistic stage. early childhood, but only those who could not grow out of it, having acquired adequate self-esteem and discovering that there are other people in the world, and they are just as valuable, forever retained the features of a self-centered child. If the child was shamed a lot and accepted very little for who he is, he splits his personality into one that causes approval, and shadow side that needs to be hidden. He tries to show the approved part in order to deserve love. To become not who he is, but who they want him to be. After all, his real self is so often compared with the ideal image that is in the head of his parents. With age, a person learns to accept his shortcomings and himself with them, becoming more holistic. But the narcissist never manages to do this - this is precisely what causes him to “swing on a swing” from greatness to insignificance.

Because no matter how much he hides his shortcomings, they are part of him and he has to face them. We all experience disappointment, criticism or defeat at one time or another. When confronted with the part that he carefully hides, the narcissist experiences unbearable shame and pain. And he often defends himself by projecting his shortcomings onto another.

His fragile self-esteem depends on the recognition of others, but at the same time he is afraid of dependence and intimacy, which threaten to expose his weakness and unbearable shame.

IN modern world Narcissistic manifestations can be seen in many people. In a way, he is praised and approved by society. Prosperity, popularity and confidence are associated with it, forgiving celebrities for their “antics and quirks.” These manifestations can be quite healthy if they do not cross certain boundaries. However, despite the attractiveness external image Such a man, building a close relationship with him is very difficult.

The content of the article:

A narcissistic person is a time bomb for those close to him. Everyone is kind to themselves, if you do not take into account convinced fatalists and suicidal individuals. However, everything in life must be clearly dosed, so communicating with narcissists can create many problems for his family and friends. Consequently, the question of tactics of behavior with such individuals is quite acute for large quantity of people.

Causes of narcissism

It becomes frivolous to believe that narcissists are only born. Of course, genes play an important role in the formation of any personality, but a person is created primarily by family and society.

The narcissist's love for himself often arises from the following reasons:

. Since childhood, such little darlings have been praised and extolled to unimaginable heights by families. You definitely need to praise your children so that they do not develop an inferiority complex. However, it is extremely dangerous to feed a child’s excessive selfishness, because later for him it will end in outright narcissism to the detriment of the interests of loved ones. As they say, if you want a problem, systematically overpraise your beloved child.
The appearance of a little genius in the family. This reason for the emergence of narcissism in the future is very close to the previously stated factor of parents’ excessive love for their child. However, some children really early years begin to amaze society with their undoubted talents. IN in this case everything depends on the parents, who should not ruin their young talent without giving the opportunity to develop a pseudo-genius.
Insufficient attention from parents. The voiced type of children is reverse side medals regarding a small family member placed on a pedestal. Some kids, as compensation for their uselessness, are able to start something they only know. inner life. Intuitively protecting themselves from the indifference of the people closest to them, they begin to idealize their own “I”. At the same time, it remains interesting that such small individuals with a strange attitude towards themselves and others continue to idolize their irresponsible parents.
Consistent success in life. Fortune is a capricious lady who can caress any person with her attention. However, often a systematic streak of luck can turn even an adequate person into a narcissist. At the same time, luck can pursue a rather ordinary individual, which will create an aura of greatness for him, which will be completely difficult for the close people of the newly-minted Caesar to eliminate.
Conjured Idol. At first glance, this theory may seem absurd, but it has a fairly clear justification. Some people, having created an idol for themselves, believe that they are in some way comparable to him. Similar features with the chosen legendary person make the newly-minted proud people think about their own exclusivity, which ultimately leads to narcissism.
Protest to everyone and everything. At the same time, it is worth talking about a very rare variety of rebel narcissists. They plunge into self-contemplation only because they are tired of looking at what fate has presented to them. Basically, these are rather hardened cynics, but the line between them and newly minted narcissists is very thin.

Note! Psychologists state the fact that narcissism is an acquired quality of a behavioral model. Therefore, it is quite possible to fight such a mental illness if the chosen one is really dear to the heart.

Signs of a Narcissist

If we are talking about a secret erotomaniac or a notorious hypocrite, then this type of people is quite difficult to identify. There is no need to look for signs of a narcissist for the simple reason that he himself will not notice excessive attention to him.

Psychologists, having studied the problem of increased narcissism of some individuals with themselves, identified the following characteristics of such people:

Egocentrism. God is the creation of everything around, but this is far from a fact for people of this type of character. True narcissists believe that everyone is owed to them forever and ever. They explain this statement practically in no way, because they have no time to conduct a dialogue with mere mortals. In their opinion, the people around them themselves should understand all their mistakes when communicating with perfection.
"I see through you" pattern. The situation is very simple: they listen to you and don’t even see you. The narcissist is indifferent to the problems of not only strangers, but also the sorrows of relatives. For them, the main thing is not to lose the state of perfect self-contemplation, in which there is no place for everyday life and other everyday trifles. It is difficult to communicate with such a person, not because he is rude or poorly mannered. He simply does not see his opponent until he begins to give him the desired and obvious compliments.
. A narcissistic person is an extremely indifferent nature, even if something does not go according to his ideal plan of self-contemplation. In this case, there are two ways to identify an overt and covert (inverted) narcissist. An open egoist is admired because he simply openly declares his indifference to the whole world. The highest aerobatics of this kind of people is the complete absence of such an outburst of feelings, because egocentrists to the nth degree do not care about anything that interferes with their peace of mind. The inverted narcissist is touchy to the extreme because he is a slight shadow of his bright and contented egocentric idol.
Arrogance. In this case, one immediately remembers the family tree, which has become so popular in Lately. “He who was nobody became everything” is an excellent saying for some presumptuous upstarts. We are all equal in this world, but some people consider themselves the center of not just the Earth, but the entire Galaxy. The weakest manifestation of this phenomenon is snobs. There is little harm from them, because these subjects are tightly enclosed within the framework and limitations of their own moral principles. The saddest fact is when the narcissist falls straight into the “rags to riches” category. People will not say too much that we sometimes have the pleasure of observing in modern reality.
Aggressiveness. If we recall the myth of the beautiful Narcissus, we will not notice a single drop of emotion on his part in relation to the people around him. Lonely and abandoned by him, Echo fell into oblivion, which would never happen in our time. We all clearly know our rights, and for narcissists, this is a prayer before every meal. Active egocentrists who are ready to look in the mirror or at a passport photograph for hours will not tolerate more brilliant competitors nearby. The result is excessive aggression towards those who do not appreciate the dignity of a militant selfish person. Passive narcissists will not even notice the threatening danger, because they do not really imply the presence of a more intelligent and beautiful being in the Universe than them.

Important! Psychologists strongly advise taking a closer look at people with a similar pattern of behavior. Very often, society considers it necessary to turn its attention to aggressive psychopaths, outright revelers and rowdies. However, we should not forget that a narcissist is capable of destroying the fate of any person who decides to connect his life with such a selfish selfish person.

Consequences of a relationship with a narcissist

First of all, you should understand for yourself the fact that living and spending your free leisure time with like a person it will be extremely difficult. The first task in this case is to generally draw the narcissist’s attention to his own person.

If such manipulations have resulted in some success, then you need to remember the following consequences of communicating with this type of personality:

. Next to a male peacock, the female often feels some discomfort due to her modest plumage. You can joke about this for a long time, but the fact remains that a narcissist is capable of destroying the own “I” of the person in love with him. In this case, we can talk about the craving of the weak for the strong, which is so typical of many conversations about the meaning of life. However, it is sometimes difficult to determine who is weaker in spirit: the narcissist or his victim blinded by passion.
Depression. A person is initially designed in such a way that a relationship with a narcissist is unlikely to bring him fireworks of emotions and a lot of positive things. Strong-willed people will immediately refuse such relationships, which is not always an easy solution to the problem. Even narcissistic people are capable of arousing passion in the opposite sex, bringing only suffering to ardent lovers in the future. Seeing indifference to oneself on the part of an egocentric person to whom the soul has become attached, any person is capable of falling into a state of depression.
Revenge. The times of Othello have not yet passed, because the temperament and behavior patterns of all people are radically different. A narcissistic partner can cause both depression and feelings that are radically opposite to the stated state of mind. In this case, one should feel sorry only for the egocentric, who, in the process of narcissism, will forget about the elementary sense of self-preservation next to an angry fan.

Note! All the voiced consequences of communicating with a narcissist do not carry a positive attitude and hope for further happy relationship. Psychologists strongly recommend starting an active fight against excessive selfishness in your significant other.

How to deal with a narcissist

Loving yourself is not forbidden, as evidenced by the cult film “The Most Charming and Attractive”, beloved by everyone in the 80s. However, all those who carefully watched this masterpiece of Gerald Bezhanov remember the result of such a phenomenon.

Tactics for dealing with a narcissistic man

If a woman has chosen a narcissistic man as her partner, then she should listen to the following tips psychologists:

Full equality of partners. Selfish is toughie, which not every woman is able to figure out. The voiced option is one of the most difficult if we're talking about about the struggle for the heart of a narcissistic man. In this case, a woman needs to clearly express her individuality. The outcome of the voiced manipulations can be twofold: the narcissist will wake up after narcissism full of energy or simply run away from an aggressive partner.
Approval of your significant other's actions. Known fact is that narcissists have no time to do dirty tricks to other people and commit illegal acts. Therefore, extra praise for their excellent communication skills (even if not deserved) will never hurt. Women, as they say, will not lose weight, and the egocentric will once again feel like the axis around which the Earth rotates. There is another significant advantage in this: we praise, but someone will tolerate it. Therefore, we groom and cherish our narcissistic man until the self-sufficient woman gets tired of it.
Complete lack of criticism. Approving does not always mean not condemning. Very often in this life, a narcissist man listens to those strong women who are able to express their claims to his face. However, there is one small “but”: does he need it? Therefore, a wise woman who has the misfortune of falling in love with a narcissist should be even more insightful in her statements.

The subtleties of a relationship with a narcissistic woman

A woman in her accomplishments is a complete mystery, so the fair sex always knows what it needs to do. Men in a relationship with a narcissist should take the following actions:

The effect of surprise. The first step to failure when living with a narcissist is complete submission to him. A person who loves himself too much will never see the efforts of someone who does not value his own dignity. In this case, we recall the film based on Shakespeare’s play “Twelfth Night”, where the story line between partners in a voiced situation. Beautiful Olivia did not want to know anyone, because everyone around her praised her extraordinary beauty. She was so bored with noble nobles that the narcissistic woman decided to remain alone for the rest of her days. However, the further unfolding intrigue awakened the narcissistic beauty from her sleep and gave her a chance to find her happiness.
Element of intrigue. The phrase “you look good in all your outfits, darling” will become a catalyst for a narcissistic woman if her lover gives a speech of praise to someone other than his idol. At first the selfish woman will think about it, and then she will be angry that she was exchanged for that gray mouse in a nondescript dress.
. Everyone knows that a woman loves with her ears. It should be noted that narcissistic ladies love with all their nerve points. Consequently, it is no longer possible to overpraise them, because they are firmly convinced of their ideality. A man who falls in love with a woman of this type must constantly convince his other half that she is the best. At the same time, the lady will not be surprised by the fact that is obvious to her, but she will not go looking for adventures on the side of a reliable family abode.

How to behave with a narcissist - watch the video:

Life is always a certain streak of failures and success, which should not be surprising to a sane person. It is illogical to firmly tell yourself that your chosen one is a complete loser. Even in relationships with convinced egocentrists, voiced advice on how to behave with narcissists will help. However, should we continue communicating or part with this type of personality? You can only answer this question yourself.

Narcissism is the desire to constantly increase one’s self-esteem through the flattering reviews of others. This quality is found in men. In most cases it leads to problems in family life, since it is difficult for a woman to feel comfortable next to her narcissistic husband. An emotional connection with such a person gradually destroys the spouse’s psyche and dooms her to suffering.

Signs

Narcissistic man attracts attention representatives of the fair sex. He is outwardly attractive and well-groomed, knows how to speak beautifully and joke wittily, and elegantly look after. Therefore, girls easily fall in love with him and fall into a cleverly placed “net” of emotional dependence. By what signs can you recognize a narcissist in time so as not to get hooked?

Such a man likes to brag about his successes, dating popular people, seeks to focus attention on his chosenness. Moreover, the narcissist’s successes are not always real; he often exaggerates his merits. But the narcissist will downplay the achievements of others, trying to reduce them to “nothing.” He will not allow anyone's success to surpass his. The narcissist expects admiration, words of gratitude, and constant praise from others. Whatever field he works in, a priori he will consider himself the most the best specialist in this area.

Narcissus I am sure that he has unique qualities and talents. Therefore, if a person with the same abilities appears next to him, then the narcissist is hostile towards him: suddenly it turns out that he is not the best in this field.

Narcissus believes that others should do as he wants. This often interferes with his career and personal life. For example, when developing a project, he is confident that his partners will definitely approve of it, because they admire and respect him. If his idea does not find support among others, then those who could not appreciate his brilliant idea are to blame. The narcissist is very sensitive to criticism. Sometimes he perceives the lack of praise and admiration as envy and indifference.

This man empathy is not typical, he is not able to understand and feel the emotions of another person. He is very selfish. A narcissist may sacrifice the interests of loved ones for the sake of profit, or to emphasize his exclusivity.

All signs of narcissism are due to the fact that a person perceives reality biasedly. He looks at his relationships with others through the prism of “the Great Himself.” Because of this, his personal life rarely goes well. It is impossible to sincerely love a woman if you see in her only a way of self-affirmation. Narcissist love is specific. The chosen one must support his image: she is educated, courteous, beautiful, but at the same time, the woman should not surpass him in anything.

Living with a Narcissist

In the family, the narcissist exhibits the same qualities as in society. True, in the circle of people who know him, it is harder for the narcissist to “show off.” After all, household members are more demanding of him. They expect not words, but concrete deeds, participation, support. Seen in a narcissist ordinary person, who has not only successes, but also failures.

Most often, the narcissist's spouse is a neurotic person. For her, the greatest value in a relationship is affection. So she gets along with a self-obsessed narcissist.
The union of two narcissists is constant competition. By competing, they stimulate each other. However, a partner's success, envy of his achievements, jealousy of his popularity can destroy a marriage.
A man of this type has the “only correct” view of what his loved ones should do, with whom they should communicate, and how they should look. He harshly imposes his point of view on family members. This leads to frequent conflicts, especially with children.
The narcissist considers himself an expert in any field. He likes to tell others his opinion on any matter, but does not want to listen to others. Relatives will not be able to discuss their emotions or impressions with him; he is only interested in their achievements.

How to be

Family life with a narcissist is a series of conflicts. The duration of a relationship largely depends on the patience of the spouse. How to behave with such a man to make the relationship more harmonious?

If you are unhappy with something in your relationship while communicating with a narcissist, tell him about your emotions. Just don’t reproach him, just let him know. He won't become more sensitive, but he may try to become more attentive.
The narcissist sees his companion as either ideal or insignificant, and often alternately both. Therefore, it is important for a woman maintain your individuality, know who she is, what her strengths and weaknesses are, and also do not forget that every person is worthy of love.
Living next to this type of partner, keep your interests in mind. Don't let him "enter" your territory. Learn to say “no” when necessary and defend your point of view.
Make sure that the narcissist's plans are appropriate, realistic and safe for the family socially, financially, psychological points vision. After all, having caught fire with an idea, he can forget about the interests of his relatives and put family members at risk.
Praise your spouse when he shows the qualities he lacks: love, tenderness, empathy, concern for security. For a comfortable existence, he needs to be extolled, but what exactly to admire him for is up to you to choose.

The above recommendations will not help change a narcissist. However, if you want to save your marriage, then by sticking to them, you can show him the way to a different kind of relationship. After all, in addition to negative traits, a narcissist also has positive sides. Both partners are responsible for family relationships. The spouse chooses how to behave herself. With her behavior, she can either encourage narcissistic manifestations in a man or not support them, offering him a game by her own rules.

The women's site "Beautiful and Successful" will tell you who a narcissistic man is, how to build a relationship with him and what to generally expect from communicating with this type of personality.

Someone will say - why even connect your life with a narcissist? After all, he is a narcissistic, heartless and irresponsible egoist!

But the fact is that when you first meet all these disadvantages, you simply will not notice (especially if the narcissist deliberately chooses you as his victim). First, a confident man will appear in front of you, arousing universal admiration. It is only when you try to build a close relationship that you recognize him as a narcissist.

Narcissistic man: important signs

In modern psychology, narcissism is considered a character trait that can develop into a personality disorder. Many scientists, including Freud, had their own ideas about this personality dysfunction and defined it in different ways.

The following signs are common to most narcissists:

excessive narcissism;
an inflated opinion of yourself and your talents;
fantasies about your imaginary successes;
expecting a good attitude towards oneself “by default”;
conviction of the envy of others;
constant expectation of admiration;
intolerance to criticism.

Narcissists shine like the bright sun, basking in the admiration and adoration of other people. But this is just shiny packaging.

Their inner world filled with doubts, uncertainty, the desire to appear better. They envy others, while hating themselves for not being able to achieve the same success (careers, women). They are so afraid of rejection, self-rejection and “exposure” that they prefer to wear a mask.

It is believed that men most often suffer from narcissism, but women are also susceptible to this disorder (and “that flower” may well be your mother or).

Relationship with an egocentric narcissist

Such self-centered people need the attention and admiration of people like air, but they are never truly deeply interested in those around them. The attention of such a man will extremely flatter any woman. You will literally be enveloped in attention, love and in beautiful words. The narcissist will say that you are the only one in the whole world and sow the first seed of guilt - now he cannot look at other women.

At first, he will do his best to seek a meeting with you, and when you fall under his spell, he will disappear, and it will be you who seeks another date.

Consciously or not, a narcissist goes through two stages in a relationship: first he becomes charmed by you, and then he devalues you. He establishes power (even real power) over a woman through manipulation, and then destroys her personality in the same way. He himself does not experience strong feelings, but only feigns them in order to arouse admiration.

He will absorb your positivity, radiating negativity and dissatisfaction in return; as a result, you will feel guilty literally for the misdeeds of others.

In narcissists low level empathy, so if you want to talk about your problems and experiences, you will not find support. A narcissist would rather broadcast his or her opinions than listen to others, so superficial communication is another clear sign of the disorder. He is extremely jealous and will quickly destroy personal boundaries.

Psychologists believe that narcissists are not capable of building equal relationships, because they simply do not know how to do this, this contradicts their essence. This is only possible if you are willing to constantly give your resources without receiving anything in return, if you are willing to simply be a mirror in which the narcissist is reflected in all his splendor.

Another way out is for the man to admit the problem himself and, if the diagnosis is made by a specialist, regularly go to therapy.

Rules of conduct with a narcissist

If you want to create a strong couple, it is worth remembering how to behave with a narcissistic man.

For example, he will highly appreciate your affection and loyalty, in this case the stability of the couple is ensured. If you have a complaint, express it in the form of your feelings - “I feel sad when you speak in that tone.” This will increase his attention to your emotions. The narcissist often has one-sided judgments and views - this is associated with periods of "charm" and "devaluation". Therefore, it is important to be clearly aware of who you really are, to have an objective idea of your abilities, and to remember your achievements.

Try to maintain personal boundaries, as the narcissist will definitely try to violate them and “enter” someone else’s territory.

Know how to say “no,” defend your opinion, and don’t abandon your own interests.

Follow “safety precautions” - do not allow yourself to be manipulated, cut off dubious situations in the bud. If you begin to feel anxious, guilty, or approaching depression, the site recommends “stepping back” or leaving the relationship altogether.

If you want equal communication with a narcissist, praise him, but without flattery. If you react strongly to criticism, explain that this is just your opinion, and you have it. Communicate with him as an equal, let the narcissist know why you can be respected, do not let him “pull the blanket” over himself. If you manage not to become a victimized partner and accept the narcissist for who he is, he will not need to wear his mask (but only with you).

Goodbye narcissist!

Most girls who meet a narcissist along the way definitely recommend ending the relationship. Most often, out of fear of being rejected, such men are the first to initiate a breakup, as if preventing a blow.

How to get out of a relationship with a narcissist? Make it clear that he has lost power over you. If you are firm in your intention, it will be enough to cut off all contacts, not respond to the narcissist and not meet with him. Sooner or later he will think about finding a new source of attention and admiration.

If you are sure that a narcissistic man will become an important part of your life, then you need to behave consciously with him in order to prevent the narcissistic behavior pattern from becoming entrenched and try to change the “rules of the game.”

Do you remember the ancient Greek myth about Narcissus, cursed by the nymph Echo? Did you know that the beautiful flowers with the same name are very poisonous: their leaves contain the poisonous alkaloid lycarin, and the bulbs contain the alkaloid narcissin. Very symbolic when it comes to establishing a close psychological distance with a narcissistic person.

“The term “perverse narcissist” appeared with light hand French psychiatrist Marie-France Iriguayen,- explains Tanya Tank, author of the popular book “Fear, I’m with you. A terrible book about the Fatal and Irresistible,” which clearly tells about people who are “predators.” - Under this definition Such categories of destructive people as narcissists and sociopaths (psychopaths) fall into categories, that is, owners of narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders. In my book I call them Fatal and Irresistible, and this is not at all for the sake of a nice word. All of them are united by truly diabolical charisma, a masterly talent for manipulating others, the ability to change masks and a total lack of conscience.”

According to statistics, there are four such people out of 100, and three of them are men. These monsters can coldly and methodically destroy - even leading to suicide - the lives of many victims. As a rule, we are talking about malignant psychological violence, which can turn the existence of a trapped person into hell. How can you learn to recognize their true face in order to protect yourself and your loved ones?

Why do they need this?

The strategies and tactics of a narcissist and a sociopath for winning people are similar.“The narcissist presents a false “I” to the world and exists only when those around him reflect this “I,” continues Tanya Tank. - But there is no real thing: instead of it there is an empty shell. To maintain this ersatz personality, such a person needs a constant influx of narcissistic supply. Other people exist for him only as mirrors.” This “predator” is not fully aware of his problem and lives in a constant mode of “idealization - devaluation.”

At the beginning of a relationship, he feels an overwhelming need to put you on a pedestal.- only so that, having sucked out, borrowed your bright qualities, which he himself is completely deprived of, feeding them his own importance, then painfully throws you to the ground. Once, again, many, many more times - completely destroying your self-esteem. And with particular cruelty: each time the degree of violence increases. Envy of the victim, deep-seated shame towards oneself and anger - these are the three pillars on which the sick ego of narcissists rests.

What about sociopaths?“The main motivation of a sociopath in interacting with people is the constant assertion of his power. His motto is to “make” everyone. How? Of course, with the help of violence - he does not know any other options. “Why am I playing? Because I can." But the game is not an end in itself.

What we really crave is something else: skulking around in the dark, looking for fresh meat. But we are scared, we are afraid of punishment, so it’s much easier to build the desired model behavior and mock the unfortunate lover and fooled creature for months.” (From the confession of a sociopath I know.)

A sociopath is considered an absolutely conscious manipulator. As he gets closer to you, he guesses approximately or exactly what he needs from you. For example, Ostap Bender needs to find out from Zosya information about the escaped Koreiko (“12 chairs” by Ilf and Petrov). Georges Duroy (“Dear Ami” by Maupassant) - to enter high society. Fox - to take possession of the money of Larisa Gruzdeva (“Era of Mercy” by the Weiner brothers),” explains Tanya Tank.

Who is at risk of becoming their victim?

Due to a defective psyche, “predators” do not have the ability to love and are completely devoid of empathy, but due to their honed intelligence, like that of a high-tech machine, they brilliantly imitate both. That is why the risk of falling into their clutches is for normal person extremely large.

“The most delicious “food” for a narcissist is a sensitive, emotional, altruistic person. But this “idealist” is looking not only for a bright and “worthy” partner, but also for a psychologically strong partner. The common belief that the torturer recruits victims from among the bullied people is not true. The sadist is attracted to people who are fulfilled, who have a living and elastic shell of the “I”, which must be broken, as psychiatrist Elena Emelyanova writes.- says Tanya Tank. - As for sociopaths, everything is less predictable. He may choose you because you are a wealthy woman, like a “handsome man.” He may choose you as Iago - Cassio and Othello. Because you “infuriate” him with your luck, career growth, and popularity with people. Notice that there is also a certain amount of narcissistic envy, a dangerous thirst for destruction, a desire to destroy what is latently desired and unattainable.”

10 circles of hell in harness of a fatal personality

Tanya Tank’s book describes ten stages of the “predator’s” strategy and tactics: reconnaissance, seduction, attempts at writing, ice shower, tightening nuts, juicer, recycling, spring-cleaning, dance on the bones, encore.

Armed with information, you can and should “rewrite” the destructive scenario, leaving no chance for the aggressor to enslave you.

The author emphasizes that “butting heads” with a manipulator is pointless: a soulless player is a priori stronger and will always outplay.

Here is what one of the victims says: “The handsome prince operates in front of her husband/boyfriend, but so subtly that he cannot show anything, gets angry, breaks down and instantly loses in contrast to his generous, all-understanding rival. The adjustment is on the verge of fantasy, you find yourself in a separate YOUR world, he laces your shoes, standing on his knees; roses, interest in your life, fantastic nights.

How to recognize a narcissist in the early stages of dating?
you should be wary of too rapid rapprochement; a person showers you with a barrage of attention, can immediately propose and declare that he wants children from you;
incredible similarity of interests: your partner is delighted with exactly what you like, agrees with everything you say;
your new “friend” persistently repeats that it was with you that he finally filled the void in his soul and found himself;
idealizes you, calling you special, exceptional, while speaking badly about his former partners or, conversely, too enthusiastically;
a person is disdainful of people of lower rank;
your beloved regales you with Manilov’s promises about a future fairy-tale life; speaks about himself in superlatives, boasts of achievements, perfect family
or, conversely, self-deprecates and speaks poorly of parents;
perceives the most innocent critical remark painfully;

unobtrusively turns all your attention to himself, relegating communication with friends and relatives to the background.

“Yesterday I was looking for a suitable victim and noticed you in this group. I saw with what pain you speak about your past experience with your loved one. As a potential target for exploitation, you may be suitable for me, and I need to check you for emotional lice. I sat down at the computer and started studying your biography on social networks. I looked at your posts and those of your friends with a pitying undertone. They indicated that you are prone to nostalgia and dream of a bright future. I will use this information when I start to make you fall in love with me. Then I noted how many likes you received on the photo; if it’s not enough, then, of course, I will pay a lot of attention to you in the future. With me you will feel like a star.

Further conversation can develop according to two scenarios. First. I feel sorry for you and carefully tell you about my imaginary problems, awakening in you strong empathy and affection for me. Second. I answer you: “You know, I had a similar experience, but I did it so well. And you can... with my help, since I know a secret way...” You, of course, are driven by the desire to solve the riddles and are trying to find approaches to me - to find out more. Thus, you give me everything, receiving HOPE in exchange. That's it, the fish swallowed the bait! The first stage of mind fuckers is complete!”

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