How to leave your wife if you love your child. How to leave your wife without slamming the door? How to decide to leave your wife

I am 33, my wife is 30. A year ago I left my wife and two sons as a result of prolonged quarrels.
Of course both are to blame. And to this day we have strained relations with each other. I love children very much, I see them all the time, take them on vacation, and try to participate more in their upbringing. I really suffer that I had to leave them and leave, but we both saw no other way out.
A couple of months after leaving the family, I met a girl and started an affair.
Our relationship is much better than with my wife.
A friend has a child from her first marriage, a 7-year-old daughter. We had a little conflict with her because of her mother, she was very jealous, she couldn’t kiss or hug, she immediately went hysterical. But I tolerated it with understanding and easily. However, after a couple of months, several times she managed to hurt me during her scandals by telling me that I was not her father and that I could get out of the house. At the same time, I am very pleased with me the rest of the time. I play with her all the time and try to teach her and develop her.
After that I felt emptiness, a periodic lack of response to my daughter’s wishes.
Until now, problems with my friend have accumulated. I periodically make comments to her about raising my daughter, and her own actions. As a result, a few weeks ago, my friend and I broke up during another disagreement.
In the end, this is how it is: I want to be with my sons, but I don’t feel love for my wife and there is no understanding with her; I love my friend, it’s hard and sad without her, but it’s not possible to live with her and my daughter, the ways of life are very different, and I don’t know how to treat my daughter, I don’t feel the closeness that it should be.

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Vasily.

I'm reading the letter. Written by a smart person.

Those entering the time of maturity.

Trying to figure out this life.

Loving children and women.

You would like to have a wise person next to you, with whom you can talk about your life, see and hear it up close.

It's so normal when there is someone older and wiser nearby...

You have good professionals nearby.

Your difficulties are deeper and more than can be resolved in letters.

Advice.

With respect to your experiences,

G. Idrisov.

Hello, Vasily! There are problems of communication disruption here - as soon as any difficulties appear in the relationship (which are quite natural!), then quarrels begin between you - but on your part these are quarrels - voicing claims - as for example, you wrote that you make comments to your friend (on about her upbringing, about her actions) - and such turns of phrase, such a style are perceived precisely as criticism, as accusations (“You are sending”) and it is natural that this style increasingly leads to distance between you - most likely, as in relations with his wife, communications were built in exactly the same way, and that mutual claims were expressed out loud (BUT - essentially Nothing! - since these superficial reasons cannot be heard what is happening inside a person!) - and in relations with his wife they acquired such a stereotypical character that all the feelings simply outlived their usefulness and you decided to leave the relationship - BUT - again, in a new relationship - the same story begins! and here it is worth thinking - it means that the style of relationships leads the relationship to cooling and, accordingly, it is this style of relationship that needs to be changed - what do you want the relationship between you to change? BUT then it is worth remembering that for this you need to change yourself! firstly, build relationships constructively - using only “I-messages”, and not comments and criticism! secondly, to begin to see exactly your contribution to the development and formation of the situation - everything does not work out on its own - and in order to understand what is happening and how it can be changed - you need to see exactly your contribution (and not wait for everything to change from the outside) - and only then can the situation change! and also - it is also important to learn to hear and listen to your partner! Without all this, you risk plunging into the same river again and again swimming on, losing everyone around you!

Vasily, you can sort this situation out! understand what is happening and why, how to build constructive relationships - if you really decide - you can safely contact me - call me - I will be only happy to help you!

Vasily, it is important to put all the events and all the participants in their places, to maintain order and hierarchy, but you have a lot of things mixed up and intertwined!

Let's start: firstly, you left your wife, not your sons (they will always be your children, wives change, but parents and children are forever!), secondly - about your friend's daughter (from her husband) - you felt “lack of response to your daughter’s wishes” (let me remind you, you have two sons, but no daughter, this girl is the daughter of another man), which is what she tells you “... that I am not her father”! And you again about your... “I don’t know how to treat my daughter, I don’t feel the closeness that should be” - because NOT A DAUGHTER and that kindred closeness should not exist and does not exist. And a repeating scenario both with the first wife and with a friend - remarks, educational moments, “long quarrels”... Even with a seven-year-old child, you manage to “conflict with her”, depend on her opinion (but adult relationships are completely another level of relationship and neither the girl nor your sons have permission to interfere in adult affairs). And you “flirt” with the baby, and she is like an equal partner for you (“she managed to hurt you during her scandals,” points you to the door, and you are glad that “she’s very happy with me the rest of the time” (as if her son’s mother approved )...

If you feel like an adult and responsible person, confident in yourself, then you won’t have to rush around changing women, trying to “earn” the love of someone else’s child and other sensations you described.

The topic for work is that the beginning is rooted in your parental family. The topic is complex, but if you want to clarify and not step on the “rake” again, to find your place in life - contact us, family constellations (method) are suitable for untangling weaves... Good luck to you!

Basil! You have decided to become a father to someone else's daughter. This is your main mistake. You can love her and take care of her, but not be her father. She has a father and he is only one. Relationships with your wife do not depend on your relationship with your children and parents. If you encounter difficulties in your relationship with your wife, then they need to be resolved there. There are always difficulties, but there is also a habit of transferring them to children. Naturally, the girl is jealous and you still have to be delicate. It is not at all necessary to kiss in her presence. Just like trying to win her love with your care. Win your wife's love. She will only be grateful to you for this. By placing these small accents, you will see changes. If you have any further questions, please contact us for an in-person consultation.

Read also materials on this topic in my LiveJournal.

Hello, Vasily.

You were hurt by the fact that the girl told you in a quarrel that you are not her father. But it's true. It looks like you are running into an inconsistency at this point own expectations and reality. As for the relationship with my friend. If they are important to you, it may make sense to work in pairs with a psychologist. Based on your letter, I can assume that you are trying to raise not only the girl, but also the woman with whom you live. And the quarrels arise because she doesn’t seem to like it. However, this is just a hypothesis. If it is important for you to understand in more detail what is happening between you, I will be glad to help. As for your sons and wife. If you don't love her and don't want a relationship with her, living together is unlikely to benefit your children. It is important for children to see their parents happy and successful, and not tortured by difficult and deceitful relationships. Therefore, there is only one way out - to see them as often as possible.

If detailed advice is important to you, I will be happy to help. Sincerely,

And when you see this, the question arises inside, did I do the right thing by leaving my wife? Have we done everything possible to maintain relationships and survive crises? family life? Why, over the years of living together, have we never learned to show our love to each other? The fact that there was love between you is evidenced by the fact that you have children. But the fact that you did not succeed as spouses means that you did not learn to show your love for each other. You are unsure that a new relationship will take place, everything is not easy.

Then it is important to understand what is more important to you - to return or start building a new relationship. In any case, respect your first wife, respect the qualities in your sons that they inherited from her. What you can do for your friend's daughter is to respect her father. Then she will become softer towards you. Provided that your girlfriend shows him respect.

You still have to learn to love. But who do you really love?

You have to understand this. If possible, seek an in-person consultation with a psychologist. It is better if it is a specialist in family systemic therapy.

Good luck to you!

Family life is a complex and delicate matter. After all, in fact, two people met who, in fact, had different perceptions of life positions, different level thinking, different life values ​​and goals. During the period of meetings, unfortunately, this is not so noticeable, but when there is already a full-fledged family, it turns out that adapting to each other is very, very difficult. The main goal of the newlyweds is to immediately try to find mutual understanding; some succeed, others do not.

For every woman, romantic relationships proceed differently, and at one point they may even end. The man collects his things and leaves. Of course, before committing such an act, many men think about how to leave their wife without hurting her. Many women are sure that this will definitely not happen if they take it off, and if they are still in love, they simply do not see what changes have taken place in the life of their loved one. And if a husband declares: “I want to leave my wife,” there are reasons for this. But if a decision is made, it must be done as tactfully as possible.

How to break up

• Reconsider your decision. Take a piece of paper and write about why you decided to do this. Remember, when you made the decision to marry this woman, for some reason you did it. What happened, did the attitude towards her change? Or do you therefore want to give her the opportunity to change her attitude towards you. And if you are firm in your decision, then you need to prepare for separation, because such a relationship cannot have a future.
• Try to talk tactfully with your wife and tell her that you are tired and would like to take a break from each other, specify a period of time, for example, six months. Also tell her that you will help financially and morally all this time. It doesn't hurt her pride that much. In this case, the woman will accept such news less painfully. At the same time, we must speak firmly about this and that it is not discussed. And after a while, if your decision does not change, invite her to leave everything as it is. After all, the woman will also have time to rethink everything, and then your relationship can move to another level. Everyone will live their own life.
• If you increasingly have a thought: how to leave your wife, you need to be able to talk to her correctly and tactfully. Psychologists recommend talking about this on neutral territory. You need to stock up on good arguments and be prepared for any reaction from your wife. After all, who else knows your wife better than you? Her reaction can also be predictable, so you need to prepare very carefully for such a conversation.
• If a man has decided to leave his pregnant wife, then this situation is not easy to resolve. First you need to think everything through. After all, having decided to have a child, you were happy, imagine this innocent baby, maybe you will change your decision. But if you don’t even allow such thoughts, tell her about it honestly and directly. Assure her that you will not leave her alone and will constantly help her, but do not leave her hope. Conduct the conversation correctly and kindly, do not try to make yourself feel guilty, try to maintain friendly relations. Every person has the right to his own decision.

I've been married for 15 years. There are two children. I have had a girlfriend for 6 years now. She's 32 years old. She is expecting a child from me. I decided to divorce my first wife and go to my beloved. Tell me how I can plan and organize everything so that this entire period is as painless as possible for me, my children, my first and second wife. What to pay attention to and how to prioritize. My wife doesn't know about my love. She is 43 years old. The children are schoolchildren. I want to maintain good relations with them and my authority.

Valery, Norilsk, 47 years old / 09/15/14

Our experts' opinions

• Alyona

  Valera, for 6 years you had not a beloved girl, but a mistress. A truly beloved woman is not forced to wait so many years for some reason. So let's call everything by its proper name. There was a mistress. And finally, she found a way to take you away from the family. Got pregnant, and you decided that abandoning two schoolchildren for one newborn child is very fair to everyone and damn authoritative. But you're wrong. Your crush, having become pregnant, is already rubbing her hands at how great she finally managed to force you to leave your wife and children. It took 6 years to do this. It was not in vain that I waited and hoped. And it was not in vain that she became pregnant, of course. It turned out to be a successful argument. I just advise you to re-read the letter from one such “beloved girl.” The letter dated August 29 of this year is called “I took him away from the family and I want to leave him” (http://www..shtml). It’s just about lovebirds like you. There is even “not the first freshness” in your face. By the way, is your beloved aware that half of what you honestly earn will go towards alimony for two children? It happens that they don’t immediately think about it, and then they get very upset. You clarify this issue to the girl in advance. Or have you decided that your friendship and authority will be enough for schoolchildren, and let their mother earn money to support them? By the way, about the mother of your children, who was 37 6 years ago. But 6 years ago you did not leave her. I didn’t give her a chance to start another life 6 years ago. Because then it was enough for you to have a mistress and live with your family. But during this time your wife could already remarry, for example, having found more worthy man than you. And after that, do you hope that the breakup can be made more or less painless? I can see it like this: “Darling, I have someone else, I’ve been cheating on you with her for 6 years, and now she’s pregnant, and I’ve decided to divorce you and go to her.” No matter what words you put around it, the essence will not change, believe me. Especially for a 43-year-old woman with whom you lived for 15 years, who has two minor children with you and for whom you left almost no time for a second chance. Valera, little advice: Think ten times before leaving your family. Secret meetings in the absence of common everyday life are one thing. It’s another thing to live together, to share not only a table in a restaurant and a bed in a hotel room, but also all everyday problems. Your relationship with your lover will no longer be the same. And the chances are high that you yourself will want to return to your family, to what you have become accustomed to for 15 years. It is very possible that you will be horrified at how little you valued what you had in your family. And you will be even more surprised by the fact that you simply exchanged the awl for soap, with one single nuance: you ruined the lives of two children, the woman with whom you lived for so many years, in order to simply replace her with a younger woman. But he personally did not gain anything, he only spoiled his karma.

• Sergey

  Valery, a truly bad thing is not cunning. And if it itches too much, you can, of course, get a divorce. Especially if you were smart enough to have side children. However, I would not get my hopes up for something big and wonderful. Firstly, because tourism and emigration are two different things. You lived in a family for 15 years, with your own rules, with clear rights and responsibilities. You have an established social circle, your life is smooth. You just “had a pleasant conversation” with your mistress, including because she had no rights over you and behaved according to her position. But this does not mean at all that everything will immediately become as familiar and smooth with her. Just the opposite. Everything will have to start again. And this is very difficult. And your lover herself may appear in a completely new light. In this regard, I would advise you to try to do without quarreling with your wife, because more than half of the “leavers” like you, after a couple of weeks of the “new life”, begin to strive to return. I don’t know how to achieve this. It all depends on your relationship with your wife. As for relationships with children, I’m afraid everything will be very difficult. After all, in their eyes, you are a traitor and a deceiver who offended your mother. And this is actually true. And children are very vindictive creatures, and therefore it may well happen that you will become their enemy for a very long time. Do you need all this? In my opinion, before you succumb to your mistress’s persuasion and ruin your existing life, you should think carefully again. After all, it would be nice if you really had strong feelings, but you don’t, because a truly beloved woman is not dynamized for years. That is, you are going to flush everything you have acquired down the toilet for the dubious pleasure of building a best case scenario the same. Although, of course, everyone is free to ruin their life in their own way.

Couples break up various reasons. Someone meets another person on the way, someone becomes burdened by a hateful relationship, but in any case it is very important to part on a positive note, because for many years this person was the closest and you don’t want to cause him severe suffering and... How to leave your wife will be discussed in this article.

How to leave your wife painlessly?

First of all, it must be said right away that ignoring calls and taking things out quietly when the spouse is not at home is the lot of the weak and cowards, and therefore it is necessary to carefully prepare for the conversation. Choose a suitable time and place and calmly, without raising your voice or expressing complaints, voice your decision. You can criticize your spouse and say what she is bad at only when there is a chance to save it, otherwise there is no point. The entire subsequent tirade of the missus must be endured with steadfastness and restraint. After all, this is a surprise for her, and an unpleasant one at that, and she has the right to talk it out to relieve her stress.

Those who want to know how to properly leave their wife can be recommended to promise her financial assistance at least for the first time, while without humiliating her feminine and human dignity. Of course, if there are children in the family, then it is very important to let the spouse understand that they will not need anything and can always count on the help and support of their father. You can leave your wife with dignity as your heart and your own moral principles dictate. After all, this person was once loved and occupied one of the main places in life. You can always choose words that would not hurt your spouse and allow you to remain, if not friends, then not strangers. You can advise your spouse to confidently seek help and try to make her situation as easy as possible after the divorce.

So, you have firmly decided - I want to leave my wife. We will talk about the reasons a little later, but now we will highlight the most basic points. If you remember them, the separation will be the least painful for each party. You may even be able to maintain human relationships.

Be consistent

The worst thing that can happen in the process of breaking up is constant tossing and turning. First the husband leaves, then returns, begs on his knees for forgiveness from his wife, and then again remembers what pushed him to take this step. These tossing slowly but surely burns love out of a woman’s heart, tormenting her and making her nervous and irritable.

So be consistent. If you decide to leave, then first think carefully about all the circumstances, how you will live, how you will arrange your life and other little things. And only then announce your departure.

Talk to yourself first and make these decisions. If you are sure that it is necessary to leave or that it is impossible to stay together, then leave and do not torture either yourself or her.

How to build a conversation

Perhaps your wife feels that your behavior has changed, you are moving away from her. But still, suspicions are one thing, and conversation is completely different. And even in this case, this news will be a shock for her.

Or it may be that she didn’t even think about such a development of events. This is possible for various reasons: she was raised in such conditions that divorce is impossible, but she must save the marriage with all her might; she is too concentrated on work or everyday problems that she does not notice anything around her. In any case, she will have questions, the answers to which you should prepare in advance.

Why?

This is the first question that arises in such a situation. Answer this for yourself first. Situations are different, but in some it turns out that essentially nothing will change, just the woman next to you will change. Whether it is worth leaving in such a situation is up to you to decide. One can hope that it will be better elsewhere, but this hope is weak.

I'm leaving because I have no strength

“I'm leaving because I can't cope. Our child has been seriously ill for six months now. And it’s not a fact that he will get better,” that’s what Nara’s husband said when he was tired of their wanderings around hospitals. Their son was born with multiple pathologies of internal organs. Initially, the doctors didn’t give him a chance; they said that he wouldn’t be able to breathe on his own. But for six months now, Misha and his mother have been fighting for their lives. He breathes on his own, has already undergone 4 operations and still has a long way to go. But my husband decided that it was too difficult for him. He and his wife decided that when Misha had the main operation and his prospects for a full life became clearer, his husband would leave.

Now you can start clicking your tongue or talking about the moral principles of Nara’s husband (yes, in this story we didn’t even give him a fictitious name), but the fact remains: in most families with a seriously ill child, husbands leave. Because it’s easier not to watch all this horror.

She's better than you, she's amazing!

Or you have a mistress who is better than his wife in all respects. If the wife is irritated, disheveled and tired, then the mistress is always affectionate and friendly, neat and friendly. If the house is a mess, which children create at an incredibly fast speed, then the mistress, who does not have children of her own, is always clean and cozy. And in everything she is better than her wife.

“You are an amazing mother, the best mother in the world. You are a wonderful designer, our home is very beautiful. You are beautiful. But I don’t want to live with you,” Andrei said to Yulia and left her for Alice. Very quickly, Andrei and Alisa got married and had a child. But at some point Andrei saw that Alice and Yulia had too much in common: the house was in chaos, toys were in the most amazing places, and Alice did not always have enough time to take care of herself as before.

We don’t know all the circumstances of Andrei’s life with Yulia, but at first glance it seems that he returned to where he escaped from. And Yulia’s child has grown up and no longer throws toys around, but helps her mother create and maintain comfort at home.

She's pregnant...

A man must marry a woman who is expecting a child from him. And it doesn't matter if he's already married. Or the wife is expecting a child. It happens that men leave their pregnant wife for their pregnant mistress. The situation, of course, is extremely slippery and unpleasant. Here every man must answer himself honestly: to whom does he owe more? Legal spouse or mistress?

And the most offensive thing is that this situation could not have been allowed to happen. But we won’t talk about this this time. You probably know everything yourself.

I'm sick of…

Continue the sentence. What exactly are you tired of? There are problems at work, but your wife not only does not support, but only demands, demands and demands? Is she constantly dissatisfied with everything, dissatisfied even with the fact that she herself is dissatisfied?

Formulate it clearly, point by point. And tell her. If you are sure that if you just talk to her and discuss these points, she still won’t change, then it makes sense to leave. But if you have never tried to discuss with her something that doesn’t suit you, then maybe it’s too early to leave? If your feelings are still alive and you value your wife, then give both of you a chance. Talk, discuss. Give you probation, for example, 1 month. If after a month absolutely nothing has changed, then you leave, and if there is at least a slight positive dynamic, then you will continue to work on your relationship.

We are too different

You are a night owl, I am a morning person, I love fried potatoes, and for you this main enemy slim figure. I would drink beer with friends in the evening, and you drag me to the theater. And shopping trips with you are stuck in my liver! We are generally too different!

Have you always been different or have you just become this way now? Surely before this you were simply trying to get along with each other, but then such a desire disappeared. The fact that you are different is not a reason for breaking up a relationship, but a consequence of deeper contradictions or accumulated fatigue. When will you find the real reason problems that have arisen, you will be able to decide whether a conversation with your spouse will help or there is nothing left to talk about. But nevertheless, the reason for divorce “they didn’t get along” is quite common.

What didn't suit you?

This is another question that usually arises in a woman's mind at the beginning of a conversation. The answer to this follows from the reasons that prompted you to leave. Think through verbatim what you will say to your wife, so that the emotions that inevitably arise in the conversation do not prevent you from saying everything you wanted.

This question is asked, rather, out of a feeling of hopelessness and does not always require an answer. This is a rhetorical question that is asked somewhere into infinity, into the universe. Therefore, when it dawned on him, it was time to stop talking and leave. Then there will be only emotions.

Are you really leaving?

Of course, she finds it difficult to believe that this is happening. And it's even harder to accept. Therefore, when the conversation comes to such questions, there is nothing left to talk about. Yes, you're leaving. Yes, right now. And leave right now. Take only what you need, you will take the rest of the things later. Now give her time to think about everything she heard herself, draw conclusions and comprehend what happened. Don't call or write, even if you're worried. Moreover, if you are worried about her, then why leave. Or are you driven not by concern, but by guilt? Don't confuse these feelings.

Safety precautions

Once you start a conversation, it is difficult to predict in advance how it will go and how it will end. You know your wife and you know what she is capable of. So consider:

• when will you talk? She should be calm and balanced at this moment;
• will you talk? Restaurant or any other public place- the most inappropriate places for this. The fewer witnesses there are, the better and simpler;
• where do you start? The first phrase is very important, it will let her know that the conversation is going to be serious;
  Don't start this conversation in the bedroom. No matter what happens to you, the bedroom is a place of relaxation and enjoyment;
• You shouldn’t talk in the kitchen either, especially if your wife is impulsive and abrupt. There are too many breakables;
• Are you ready right now to take a minimum of things with you and leave?
• It is you who should leave, because you are the initiator of the breakup. Even if you share this apartment during a divorce, you should still give her time to comprehend what is happening in silence.

When you start a conversation, control yourself and don't let your emotions get the better of you. Be prepared for the fact that she won't be able to handle hers. So no matter what she says, you:

• don't insult;
• do not mention her mother or any other relatives in the conversation, they have nothing to do with it;
• don't say what you didn't mean to say;
• do not give in to her emotions, most likely she wants to hurt you as much as possible;
• do not forget why you started the conversation, even if she presses for pity;
• speak now and only now, you should not return to this conversation in the future. So either say it now, or forget you were going to say it;
• stand your ground to the end, be consistent;
• Do not give up under any circumstances, you never know what she says out of emotion.

Of course, the separation process cannot be called painless, but you can make it less painful.