Good habits: don't gossip.

Photo: Viktoriia Degtiarova/Rusmediabank.ru

If you really like to gossip, then most likely you don’t ask yourself this question, because the question “to gossip or not” is not worth it for you. But there are also those people who analyze this phenomenon and understand all its disadvantages - starting with the fact that it is a waste of time and ending with the fact that gossip harms people because it conveys information unreliably, spoils the reputation of innocent people, and destroys relationships and careers. If you belong to the second category of people, there are ways, if not to get rid of gossip completely, then at least to make sure that there is less of it in your life.

First about myself

As a rule, people love to talk about themselves. But as soon as the conversations about themselves end, they move on to others. It is very important not to miss this moment. If all the important issues for discussion are over, and your interlocutor has moved on to her neighbors, your colleagues and mutual friends, just call it a day. So it's just time to end the conversation. And you won’t have to listen to endless stories about people you barely know, or discuss your own classmate.

Redirect the conversation to other topics

Let's say your friend is very interesting person. She has interesting job(whatever), but it just so happens that she is a gossip. As soon as you see that she starts talking about other people, ask about something that really interests you. And interesting things can be found in absolutely any job or hobby. In addition, you can learn really important and necessary information from your interlocutor. Feel free to interrupt. This can be done very carefully: “Lenochka, I’m sorry, I’ll interrupt you, but remember you talked about a good manicurist who lives in the center. Please tell me what kind of nails she does.”

Be positive

There are people literally saturated with negativity. No matter what topic you take, they start complaining. Do a good deed - try to direct the conversation with these people in a positive direction. For example, you can give a compliment or talk about some pleasant incident.

Discuss - this is how to discuss art

Of course, some people cannot live without discussing other people's lives. But in the end, you can discuss films and TV series. Here you can give free rein to emotions and analysis, and no one will get hurt. Don't be afraid to direct the person to such a conversation. Ask: “What TV series are you watching now?” And you will immediately find someone to discuss in this series.

Find a hobby

It has been subtly noticed that other people’s lives are discussed by people who have little going on in their own lives. So it’s not a problem at all to find something to do for the soul. Think about it: maybe you are really bored, since you are discussing a colleague’s new boyfriend or your former boss’s affair.

Eliminate communication with gossips

You can become infected by spreading gossip. Especially if someone regularly dumps a mountain of information on you about the personal lives of other people. Such people can be found everywhere - in a team or in the neighborhood. As a result, spreading gossip can bog you down. To prevent this from happening, try to communicate less with people who spread gossip. The shorter the communication lasts, the less likely you are to pass on gossip to other people.

Limit your time limits

If you cannot get rid of the gossiper because she is your close relative or boss, try to at least reduce the time you spend gossiping. Let's say you can't interrupt the person right away. But after a couple of minutes of listening to the “main idea,” so to speak, you can do this without harming your relationship.

Links

• Gossiping is not good social network myJulia.ru
• 10 ways to make your life happier, social network myJulia.ru

“Judge not, lest ye be judged...” Today there is little life left in this phrase. The flywheel of condemnation is still working at full capacity. Is it possible to slow down its progress and save humanity from the destructive power of criticism and gossip?

Condemnation from a psychological point of view is a concentrate of aggression and destruction

How to resist a wave of accusations against relatives, colleagues, passers-by, celebrities? And is it necessary? After all, I really want to express my opinion. Help people become better, smarter, more successful. Through other people's situations, remember the principles of life and become more firmly established in them.

Criticism and condemnation often have a positive motive. They come from the desire to show “how it’s right.” Sometimes healthy, reasonable comments actually contribute to the growth of all participants in the “conflict.” But the reality is that most people attack each other aggressively. We teach someone about life from the position of “I’m smarter than you,” forgetting that people are different, like snowflakes, with their own unique experiences behind them.

Blame is a meaningless struggle for non-existent correctness. We evaluate a person in our coordinate systems, but will he agree with us? Reaction to condemnation best case scenario equals indifference. More often than not, the “victim” begins to get angry. She may understand that she is wrong, inexperienced and makes the wrong decisions. But when she is attacked with lectures, even with good intentions, rejection occurs.

When we begin to judge, we take on a wave of another person’s negative emotions and fire back at them. Everyone begins to defend their positions, trying to prick their opponent as painfully as possible. Harsh criticism and accusation lead to destruction. And it's not just about human relationships.

Your personality suffers, breaking down from the addiction to monitoring the lives of other people. It is more difficult to observe yourself; it is unpleasant to admit your mistakes. Own life becomes a backyard, and the person himself is no longer in it main character. In addition, there are eternal problems with time, self-determination and health.

Every day negative events pass through the critic, he experiences someone else’s unpleasant experience. This cannot but affect your physical and mental state. Illness, failure in business and bad mood become constant guests of those who are addicted to condemnation.

How to stop judging people: peace begins with you

To move from a negative to a positive and become a happy, conscious person, recognize the “mirror principle” - everything that we see around us is our reflection. The world consists of thoughts and assessments that are stored in our heads.

Therefore, if you are about to judge someone, remember where in your life such a situation was hidden? Do you blame someone else for something that you yourself could not overcome with dignity?

It's difficult to be able to see your dark side in another person. You always want to quickly shake off someone’s dust and throw some dirt after it.

But what if we changed the approach?

What if you look deep into yourself and know your demon? Shake his hand, accept his imperfections and learn to live together, helping each other. Know yourself completely and love yourself for who you are. This will help you improve your relationship with yourself, and therefore with those around you.

Learn more about the dark side in our video:

Accept whoever you are. It will become easier for you to understand other people's problems and understand their motives. With acceptance comes understanding: everyone acts as best they can, based on their knowledge.

• Open up and learn new things

Criticism, accusation, gossip are born from a lack of knowledge. Try to look at events and people from different angles. Study other cultures, ask your interlocutor clarifying questions. Learn more about the world around you.

• Sympathize

When a person makes mistakes and, in your opinion, behaves incorrectly, turn off the blame. Put your inner judge to bed and bring out the compassionate part of yourself.

Try to understand what led your neighbor to drunkenness, and what little Hitler lacked to grow up not so cruel. We often judge people for lacking love and support. And by their actions they are trying to get a lack of attention.

• Be flexible in being right.

Check yourself - are you too constrained by the framework of your beliefs? “It has to be this way and nothing else. Anyone who deviates from the course is to be shot.” This is the position of many critics.

In order not to judge, you need to soften your conservatism, become more flexible and learn to accept the other side. It is not necessary to convert to a different faith or do the same things. You don't even have to love the person you accused. It's enough to let it be. And calmly move on.

• Make your own opinion, don't use shortcuts

What is gossip? One person tells unpleasant stories about someone. And his interlocutor actively nods his head and begins to think in the same way. Don't be swayed by other people's opinions about people and events. Make up your own, talk to the “bad” person, find out his idea of ​​the situation. Let's say NO to stereotypes and labels!

• Unite

You don’t like someone, and you really want to teach him about life, point out his shortcomings? Start thinking in a different direction. Find common ground. Common interests, similar habits, worldview, same passion, related professions. Uniting leaves no room for judgment. You shift your focus to the positive and forget about criticism.

Returning energy by giving up gossip

When you let go of judgment, especially among your girlfriends, you give yourself a luxurious gift. Gossip takes away feminine energy. During such conversations, it seems as if liberation has occurred and I have spoken out. But later you feel emptiness, apathy, you don’t want to do things, the world seems dull...

Turn off this energy tap. There is no point in wasting feminine strength when you need it for yourself, creativity, home, and loved ones.

Remember the marathon “A world without complaints”? You had to wear the purple bracelet for a month. As soon as complaints and gossip begin, put it on the other hand. Organize a marathon like this for yourself. Involve your girlfriends so that you can control each other and not return to the old swamp. Or give yourself a fine for gossip and, in case of failure, pay it to your husband. These mindfulness marches will change your life.

Every time you want to blame, criticize, teach someone about life, stop. Ask yourself the question: “Why am I doing this? What benefit will my words bring to this person?” Look at your interlocutor from the position of an equal, remember that he sees the world differently. Learn to respect other people as much as you respect yourself. Then there will be no room for judgment in your life.

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It will be better if you find ways to limit yourself in your love of gossiping and also learn not to get involved when someone else is gossiping. Go to point 1 - it will help you stop gossiping or cope with gossipers around you.

Steps

Part 1

Don't allow yourself to gossip

Separate negative gossip from everyone else. Not all gossip is bad, so there is no need to completely eradicate it from your life. However, you must learn to separate out harmful gossip that ruins the lives of those around you.

• People who spread gossip (we all do it from time to time) do not spend enough time checking the facts. By and large, most often they disseminate information received from second or third parties.
• There is also a big difference between blowing off steam by expressing negative emotions about a person or event in the company of one trusted friend, and when you spread harmful lies (or one-sided information) to an entire group of people. Unless the person is a threat (a rapist, a thug, or a thief), you should not take your conflict public.
• For example: telling people that you heard that Gennady is cheating on his wife is harmful, bad gossip (even if it is true, others do not need to know about it). And at the same time, if you are Gennady’s wife, then you have every right tell about his infidelities (especially to his family members if they ask why you are getting a divorce, or to clarify the situation if Gennady starts telling everyone that he filed for divorce because you cheated on him).

1. Ask yourself what is the point of conveying the information you heard. Humans are social creatures, and gossip is part of the social fabric. Gossip supports social norms and keep our worst instincts in check - we try to control ourselves if we know that our life is being discussed. However, gossip can also be used to destroy someone's reputation, and the gossiper himself can increase his status at the expense of other people.

   • Here's something to think about when spreading information: Is it hurting anyone? Is the information substantiated (can you back it up with actual facts and not just hearsay)? Are you doing this to make yourself feel better or to raise your status? Did I get this information from the original source or through second/third hands?
   • If you gossip to be the center of attention or to feed your ego, you need to stop. This is where the harmful side of gossip comes into play. Sharing information is one thing (example: “Did you hear that they are adding another wing to the library” or “Did you hear that Seryozha was admitted to the hospital? I should send him a postcard”), but spreading harmful gossip is something else entirely (example: "I heard that Zhenya slept with everyone from the HR department (personnel department), that's how she got the promotion."

2. Find out what problems are behind your desire to gossip. Sometimes the reason you feel like gossiping may be because you are angry at the person you are gossiping about, perhaps because of something that person has done. Think about why this affects you so much. Sometimes this happens because you yourself do the same.

   • For example: if you constantly tell everyone that Katya sleeps with everyone and that guys keep following her, stop and ask yourself: what is the problem? Are you jealous of the attention that men give Katya? Did Katya herself want such popularity? Even if Katya slept with a whole bunch of guys, how does that affect you?
   • Your job is to get to the root of the problem, especially if it happens all the time (and especially if you gossip about the same person often).

3. Do something to solve the problem. Sometimes, instead of pouring your heart out to everyone you meet, you should find a solution to the root cause of the problem. This may require a private conversation with the person you're gossiping about, but it's worth it - it will help you build healthier, more trusting relationships with people in general.

   Limit your gossip to a time frame. If you can't stop yourself from gossiping about a particular person or at a particular time, limit yourself to a strict time frame. When the time allotted for gossip is up, stop - now you can direct your energy to something more pleasant.

   • Limit yourself to 2-5 minutes of gossip per day (if possible). You shouldn’t allow yourself to spend 2-5 minutes on each person.

   Part 2

   Don't gossip with others

   1. Talk to the offenders face to face. If you're dealing with stubborn gossipers (or gossipers), discuss the issue with each of them privately. If you are the boss in this team, then you simply must deal with the problem of gossip.

   2. Find the appropriate answer. When someone approaches you with a juicy piece of harmful gossip, find a way to deflect their intent, or try to educate the person about the harm they are causing by what they say.

      • A few ways to gently point out to a person the harmful nature of his gossip: “Let’s look at what was said from X’s perspective” (X is the person the gossip is about), “Why do you talk so much about X?” or “Hmm, let’s figure out how to fix this?”
      • Try to figure out with the gossiper what her problem is with the person she is talking about. If you are dealing with a chronic gossip, you will most likely be able to silence her only if you express your position in a more compelling, assertive manner.

   3. Change the topic of conversation. Sometimes all you need to do is switch from negative gossip to something positive. Try to do this without blaming the gossiper, otherwise her anger will turn on you.

      • When a person starts telling yet another piece of gossip, you can say: “Listen, what are you going to do after work? Let’s figure something out.”
      • You can also say something like, “There's so much negativity about X in this conversation. Let's talk about something nicer” (especially if the subject of the gossip is negative).

   4. Disconnect from the conversation. Ultimately, if you can't change the subject, your best bet is to simply walk away or explain that you're not interested in hearing such gossip. This may irritate the gossiper, she may start saying unpleasant things about you - if you want, you can object to her. However, it is best to simply not get involved in such a situation.

      • For example, you could say, "You know, I don't want to constantly listen to your baseless gossip" or "I'm not really interested in what X's sexual orientation is."
      • If you don't want to make a big deal out of the situation, simply say, "I need to get back to work" or "I have to go home," etc.
   • If you ever want to say something about someone, imagine that they are standing behind you - this way you will not say anything unpleasant.
   • People's sympathies are a fickle thing. If you gossip often, you will soon become the target of gossip yourself.
   • Make it clear to everyone that you Not interested in listening to or participating in gossip. Be careful when sharing any personal information about another person.

   Warnings

   • If you start trying to confront a gossiper, be prepared to soon become the target of her gossip. Consider whether it is worth starting a conflict - if not, just leave everything as it is without getting personally involved in the gossip.

Critical thinking is undoubtedly an asset, but our constant self-evaluation - wondering who we are, how we fit into society, how we compare to others - is one of the most detrimental aspects of modern life.

We are captured by the same repetitive thoughts, reminding us that we lack self-confidence, we were unfairly offended or forgotten - or, conversely, how smart, beautiful and interesting we are. In fact, we combine both traits, and because of such a limited vision of ourselves, unrealistic expectations arise, which only lead to disappointment. And this is reflected in our behavior.

The tendency to think too much about ourselves, coupled with the constant desire to compare ourselves to others, only increases the feeling that we are unhappy. It is not surprising that the number of people with depression and other mental illness only growing.

Very often our behavior is determined not by the actual state of affairs, but by our idea of ​​it.

Don't pay too much attention to such thoughts. First of all, they are most likely not true. We can hardly be called our own objective judge. We usually exaggerate both our strengths and our shortcomings. Secondly, true or false, it is still useless, it only makes us feel worse.

Change your attitude towards your own thoughts

Try to notice if you are ruining your day, a happy moment, or a relationship with someone with panicky thoughts or criticism. Understand that it is often the negative thought itself, rather than the event that occurred, that makes us feel bad.

How can you learn to distance yourself from such people?

1. Leave yourself reminders

Stick reminder notes on your monitor (for example, with the inscription “You’re thinking again...”) or put a motivating screensaver on your phone. A bracelet that you will always wear or even a discreet tattoo can also be a good reminder.

2. Monitor your thoughts

Try to train yourself to notice, for example, the first three thoughts that come to your mind immediately after waking up. What do you usually think about: something practical and everyday, or do you immediately begin to criticize and condemn?

You can imagine your thoughts as a moving stream of cars passing by you. Then some repetitive negative thought is a big pollutant environment an SUV that stood next to you for a while and then drove away - and did not affect you in any way.

You can also imagine thoughts as a noisy stream, pulling you deeper. Every time you dive, try to notice it and come up. Repeat this over and over again until you get into the habit of simply noticing the appearance of a new thought, rather than fixating on it.

3. Use dedicated apps

There are many apps that teach you to be in the present moment and simply observe your thoughts without judging them.

4. Accept reality

• Instead of being resentful and angry about what you don't have, towards what you do have.
• Instead of worrying about what you can't control (other people's opinions of you, for example), focus on what you can change and let the rest go.
• Instead of judging yourself and others, accept yourself and others as they are.
• Instead of ruining your life by imagining how things “should be,” accept the fact that not everything will always go the way you want.

And remember, you are much more than your self-image.

We all know very well that gossip is great sin and we shouldn't do that. But in reality, it turns out that we do this subconsciously, not realizing where the boundaries of gossip begin.

What is gossip and where does it start? The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Giyba (gossip) is what you say behind your brother’s back that he doesn’t like.”

One of the companions asked: “What if what I say about him is true?” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) replied: “If what you say about it is present in it, then it is gybah, and if it is not in it, then it is slander.”

Spreading gossip about people is like destroying a person behind his back. The Koran says: “O you who believe! Avoid making many assumptions, for some assumptions are a sin. Do not spy on each other and do not speak evil behind each other’s backs. Would any of you enjoy eating your dead brother's meat if you were disgusted by it? Fear Allah! Verily, Allah is Accepter of repentance, Most Merciful” (Quran 49: 12).

Many people justify gossip by saying that what they say is true. When a person constantly justifies himself in this way, he continues to spread rumors about others. Even if a person knows something bad about another, it is not appropriate for a Muslim to aggravate the situation and spoil his reputation. A true Muslim will pray to the Almighty for a person whom he considers to have stumbled.

Don't forget about the harmfulness of the sin of gossip, these tips will help you avoid it in your life:

And finally, imagine yourself in the place of the person who is being gossiped about. You don’t know everything, you don’t know why he did this, perhaps he had reasons for it, and you judge him so easily. How would you feel if you knew that you were being judged behind your back?