I don't feel happy in my relationship. Satisfaction = Reality - Expectations

It can be very difficult to know if you are unhappy in a relationship, especially when it has been going on for a very long time. for a long time. Sometimes you can confuse comfort with happiness, and this is not what you want. Are there ways to help you figure out whether you're happy in a relationship or not? Read on, I have 7 main signs for you that you should pay attention to.

1. Fear of responsibility

Understanding that you are unhappy in a relationship is not easy, but talking about something that doesn’t suit you is even more difficult. Are you constantly afraid of your responsibilities to your partner? Do you feel like you don't feel good together? Are you constantly thinking about ending this relationship? These are the signs you should pay attention to! You should want to be with your partner for the rest of your life if you're serious about it.

2. You have lost your true self.

What about the kind of person you really are? Have you truly opened up to your partner? Are you confident that you can be yourself around him? You should be who you really are and not be afraid of it. You must be frank and not close yourself off to your loved one. Usually this behavior becomes one of.

3. You play detective

While this may seem like a simple act of mistrust, you are most likely looking for any clue to break up with this person. Sometimes you are happy in this relationship, but most of the time you feel unhappy and want to end the relationship, you just don’t know how, so look for any reason.

4. Permanent depression

Depression haunts you constantly, especially within your relationships. When you think about your future and your partner, you begin to get lost in depressing thoughts and don’t even want to continue this anymore. Maybe, . This is your last chance.

5. Constantly thinking about life without your loved one

But this is definitely the beginning of the end. Are you constantly thinking about ending your relationship? How about just disappearing and never coming back? Many people do this, but it's just disgusting. And that's why many people disagree. But, if you can imagine your life without your partner, then what are you waiting for?

6. You keep your relationship a secret from others.

Does your family know that you are dating someone? What about your friends? These are the people who are constantly present in your life, and if you are ashamed of your relationship, then what is holding you back? What makes you think you need to hide your relationship? This is an important question to think about!

7. You are constantly unhappy with something.

However, if you haven’t noticed any of the above, but constantly complain about your partner, get angry with him because of every little thing - tell me after all, why are you with him? Indignation and outrage are a sufficient indication that you are unhappy in your relationship and do not want to be with your boyfriend.

Now that you already know what to look for to determine whether you are happy or not, what do you do? Do you want to continue to be unhappy? I'm waiting for your answers!

Elizaveta Babanova

20623

Now let's get back to my story.

At the time when Zach left without taking any decisive steps, a doctor of sciences had been courting me for six months. I was 19, he was 32. He was making a career in an American corporation. Like me, I was an immigrant. We were connected by the Slavic mentality, a great interest in life and little interest in each other.

We met at a dinner party with our friends, who looked after me like a daughter. We chatted pleasantly all evening, but when I sat down at the piano and sang “ Moscow Nights“, something clearly ignited in him. The rest of the evening he paid attention only to me.

And when our guardian friends hinted to us about our large age difference, and they directly told me that they would not approve of our meetings in private, we, like normal rebellious youth, exchanged contacts. And we started seeing each other a couple of times a month. He invited me either to the theater or to the park for rock climbing. I liked everything. But I couldn’t understand: are these dates or are we just friends? Our relationship did not go beyond a kiss on the cheek.

Compared to him, even Zach, with his aerobatics and brilliant music, was a big loser. What can we say about the rest of the guys from my university. None had patents or international publications. No one was traveling around the world speaking at conferences. Nobody had a good car. Needless to say, no one has ever made a decent living.

But that wasn’t even what attracted me. I admit, sometimes I thought about support. I was young and alone in a foreign country. I lived from a student salary to a salary of $500 a month. On the other hand, I knew for sure that I would be able to earn good money in the future, and therefore did not pursue the goal of marrying Fortune.

I wanted to meet a Man. Therefore, I looked not at the man’s wealth, but at his depth and potential.

Its depth and scale amazed me. He spoke four fluently foreign languages. He loved tennis, swimming and hiking. He danced very well. He loved classical music and theater. Played the guitar. I went skiing to Wagner with headphones on. By that time, he had already visited 40 countries around the world. I walked many of them.

I still couldn’t understand: what does he want from me? Who am I compared to him? And why does he always take me somewhere? Is he really just so interested in me and doesn’t he expect more? Or maybe he's actually gay? And he needs me “for cover.”

After the unsuccessful intervention with Zach, I decided that I would not delay any longer. I gained courage. Whatever colossal giant of thought he may be, I have one life. And why should I lose the chance for loved ones and significant relationships? I don't want to be stuck in the friends phase anymore. Especially with such a cool person. And then, you need to learn to express your feelings.

After Saturday dinner, the doctor of science accompanied me home and then I asked: “Where are we going?” He showed the route with his hand. I clarified: “Not now, but in principle. You and me". Surprise appeared on his face, which quickly gave way to a wide smile. He paused, during which I already regretted my stupidity. “I ruined everything again!” - flashed through my head. But suddenly he kissed me on the lips and then asked me to become his girlfriend.

As you can see, everything went more or less painlessly. All you had to do was ask a question. Moreover, as I later found out, he himself had long been trying to offer me more, but every time my inaccessibility raised doubts in him. And he himself was worried whether I was dating him just to annoy our friends.

He became my first teacher and in many ways shaped my first adult worldview. And as a man with experience, he dictated the terms for the development of our relationship.

On weekdays I studied and worked, and on Friday evenings I rushed to him at full speed. His life, compared to mine, seemed immense. I didn’t even know if I could ever grow up to it, but I decided that I would do everything for this. His interests completely absorbed all my free time. Thanks to him, I started reading The Economist and Scientific American. Listen to National Public Radio and watch BBC. I learned to roller skate and hike in the mountains.

He was an explorer in spirit, so we tasted the world. We licked our fingers at the Ethiopian restaurant. We tasted endless tapas in Spanish cafes. He sharpened my sensitivity when he took me to a live Cuban music club for the first time and treated me to a mojito. I heard the rumba rhythm in my hips and realized where passion lived in my body.

He discovered for me the magical combinations of sashimi with hot sake accompanied by the sounds of rain. Brie with a crispy baguette and merlot on the floor by the fireplace. Ceviche with Riesling on the summer veranda.

Every vacation we went somewhere - to a national reserve or to new town. With him I got to know Boston and Washington, Montreal and Orlando. We drove halfway through Mexico and walked through parts of Costa Rica and Panama. We kayaked on the clear lakes of Arizona and Quebec, went down mountain rivers and choked with water and joy while exploring the coral reefs of the Pacific Ocean.

Incredibly beautiful Lake Powell, Arizona

I lived in two parallel worlds: in one I was an ordinary student, in the other I was a gourmet, a traveler, a socialite.

And for the first two years, while we met on weekends and holidays, I tried my best to grow up. Learn to build a dialogue as smartly as he does. Learn to feel as subtly as he does. Become as well-read, musical and creative as him.

For the first two years, it didn’t bother me much that he could cut me off mid-sentence and say that I was illogical. I took it as a challenge. I read even more. I pretended that I wasn’t too worried when he didn’t want to communicate with my friends. After all, they had completely different interests and tastes.

Sometimes I felt bad when he canceled our weekend plans to go skiing with some group of his friends. There were often other girls in this group. When I asked him why I couldn’t go with him, he replied that in this company it is not customary to take a partner with you. I somehow came to terms with this, explaining to myself that he was an adult. And, probably, adults have such relationships.

But when I had already become stronger internally, I began to pay attention to small things that did not fit into my concept of a good relationship. For example, I couldn't leave my toothbrush or clothes with him. Each time I arrived with a huge bag of things for three days and left with it. When I had problems, he didn't come to my aid. When my car broke down, my friends always helped me out. I couldn’t even tell him that I was sick or that I was out of money and my next paycheck was still a week away. He wasn't interested in any of this.

I didn’t understand what was wrong with me?

I already knew how to do everything and understood everything. Like a sponge, it absorbed everything that was important to him. But he continued to ignore my interests. I felt like I was not part of a couple, but an addition to his wonderful life.

So another two years passed. For two years I tried to pull him into me. I dreamed that he would at least once take an interest in my inner world. So that he can help me with my career choice. So that he can go to my homeland. Yes, at least once let me plan the weekend. And he said: “If I cry, then I decide where we go. Once you start working, then you can choose and buy us tickets to wherever you want.”

I was rushing about. On the one hand, I was immensely grateful to him. He did so much for me. Taught me so much. I spent so much money on concerts, gourmet food, and travel over these four years. It seemed, where could there be any complaints?

On the other hand, I did not occupy the place in his life that I wanted. Resentment accumulated. And I also felt like I was drowning. How I dissolve in his life. I'm losing my self-identity. My self-esteem, which initially soared, has rapidly plummeted to zero over the past two years.

For the first time in my life, I started having hysterics. Now, looking at that time, I understand that they happened because I still couldn’t feel: does he love me or not? Will he care about me or not? What if I suddenly get pregnant? Will I also decide everything myself? I had to understand: stay with him and continue to suffer, look for new approaches and try to change something, or leave?

Crucial moment

A turning point happened at the birthday party of one of his good friends, Vivien.

He introduced me to her with the words:

Meet me. This is Lisa.

She asked:

Is she your girlfriend?

To which he replied:

Is this important?

This outraged me terribly. After all, he himself asked me to become his girlfriend on the very evening when we stopped being just friends. And now he goes back on his words?

But I kept my face together with the blow.

Well, of course, we want to understand whether you are together or not. Are you her boyfriend? - the hostess continued the interrogation.

I don't like that word, he replied.

Vivienne hushed up the dialogue, and a little later she caught me leaving the toilet and said in a conspiratorial voice:

If he keeps acting like this, call me. I will introduce you to someone who will be happy to be your boyfriend.

Beautiful Vivienne, I am still grateful to her. She gave me confidence that my indignation was justified.

When we returned from the party, I started talking about who we were to each other. He didn't want to discuss anything and didn't even want to sleep in the same room with me. And I got so angry with him that I threw his new BlackBerry into the toilet. And at night, when he fell asleep, I woke him up by pouring a carafe of water on his face. All in one evening.

It was terrible and unacceptable. My lowest point in relationships. It's very embarrassing to admit this. But it seems to me that every woman has experienced something similar. When you are torn apart by his indifference. And in your despair and powerlessness, you do harm in order to evoke at least some emotion, even the most negative one.

But please don't do that. We must rise above this and not lose our dignity.

If you ever have a desire to harm him or his property, take this as a signal that you need to take a long break and really understand yourself and him. Call a friend and ask for support. This is the point of no return, when you need to honestly admit, first of all to yourself, that the relationship is broken.

When he found his phone in the toilet in the morning, he only told me: “Go away. I'll call you in a week. If you haven’t calmed down by then, we’ll take another break.”

I felt myself gradually fading away. Nothing made me happy anymore. No restaurants, no Latin music, no social events. I wanted simple human hugs and spiritual unity. Feelings of security and acceptance. Understanding that we are moving somewhere, together. We're not just spending time.

Despite the fact that I was in an emotional decline all the time, that there were conflicts between us, for some reason I believed that the relationship still had a chance. And they do not develop only because of his parents. His religious Catholic family didn't want to let me in until I accepted their religion. And without my mother’s approval, he could not propose to me.

Knowing how much Orthodoxy meant to my grandmother and mother, I felt that if I converted to Catholicism, I would be betraying them and myself.

I was 23 and finishing college. He was already 36. Two weeks before graduation, it dawned on me: if in four years we still haven’t become a couple and he doesn’t take any action for this, then it’s unlikely that anything will change. My fellow caregivers kept telling me, “He’s a born bachelor, a narcissist who will never marry.” But I was firmly tied to him by an invisible energy rope. And I couldn’t make the decision to leave.

Although he was shaky, he was still my only support in the USA. The only one who at that time could be called a close person.

But fate helped me. In the middle of my final exams, he announced that he was flying to Europe in a week for his niece’s wedding. With my best friend from university.

Is he Catholic? - I asked him.

Why do your parents invite him but not me?

Well, because we're not dating. And we cannot have non-Catholic children. And yes, our trip will have to be rescheduled.

A trip that was planned as a way to get closer and understand how we would live further after my graduation. And then it hit me.

Enough. I was almost an excellent student, I received a grant to travel to the States, I earned money for myself at a private university, I received four degrees. Not to become a convenient console that is played whenever you want! But in general they ignore it.

Stop putting up with devaluing my feelings, ignoring my interests and needs. Stop dissolving. It's time to become whole again. I was honest with him and said: “If you leave without me, this will be the end.”

He left.

I cried for 12 hours straight. For the first time, I understood the meaning of the words “broken heart.” I felt how it was trampled, crumpled and then trampled again. How half of the organs were taken out of the stomach. I was scared that I was left alone. And it’s even worse because of who I became with him. Co-dependent.

After a short sleep, I woke up and bawled for another 3 hours. And when I finally felt the long-awaited emptiness, I got down on my knees and said a prayer: “Lord, please take away all this unhealthy attachment from me and set me free.”

Liberation

The next day I felt liberated and light.

My transition to loneliness happened through a stormy but short romance. He was a fiery figure skating coach and a former three-time champion. Don't ask where I found it in Texas. It is still mystical for me.

He was very cool. Kind, attentive, caring. In all this time, the doctor of sciences has not given me a single normal bouquet of flowers. And the coach came to the first date with such a huge bush of roses that they had to be arranged in 3 vases. And when the vases ran out, jars and pans were used.

Unlike the scientist, he constantly complimented me and carried me in his arms. Literally and figuratively. He went to parties with me and invited me to his own. He loved it when I cooked for him. Little by little he gave me back my spark and zest for life.

The only problem was that he didn't stimulate me at all intellectually. We had almost no common interests. Not weird? Is this why we women often rush from one extreme to another?

The irony is that in the four years we spent with the scientist, we never lived together, if we do not take into account travel. The coach, when he found out that my lease was expiring, invited me to move in with him in two weeks.

He was the one I needed at that moment. But not for long. Four months later, he started a new romance at some competition.

And then I was truly alone.

When the emotions from the loss of both the first and second subsided, I got to work. Above oneself. But not according to the scenario of Pygmalion, who sculpted his Galatea, but according to his own. I realized that I had important lessons to learn from these two experiences. And it's time to stop making mistakes in choosing men.

I realized that I wanted a relationship where people talked to me. In which I and my interests are scrupulously interested, and not mocked. In which they want to share a common living space with me. In which they are devoted to me.

And then I realized that the main person

in which you need to invest right now,

it's me. I have to stop

look for a crutch in a man.

I must regain my support in myself. And so, gradually, as in that joke about the Caucasian man who remained “savsem adyn,” the fear of being alone was replaced by anticipation of a new chapter of life.

For the first time in four years, I had the freedom to do what I truly love. And also to finally admit to myself that I hate it. For example, rock climbing and sports mountain climbing. I was relieved to let go of my dream of one day seeing Everest and completing a marathon.

I suddenly felt normal with the thought that I would probably never run more than 5 kilometers. What am I talking about Pilates and yoga. That I would be happy to spend one, maximum two nights in a tent in a special place that can be reached by car. But that I will no longer go on multi-day treks through the jungle, carrying a week's provisions.

That I love Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff, but I can’t stand Wagner. And I don’t care that he’s a genius. The meaning of music for me is pleasure, and not to suffer for five hours in a row in an uncomfortable chair in a symphony hall.

I realized that I didn't care about daily political news. I want to read fiction. Study not abstract Scientific research, but something that really improves my life and helps me be happy.

That, it turns out, I sincerely do not like carpaccio, foie gras and oysters in white wine. I feel sorry for the geese and calves. That by taste I am Indian, and by conviction I am a vegetarian. That espresso and cognac are not my drinks. They weaken me rather than fill me. That my drinks are smoothies and tea.

While I was with the scientist, I couldn’t understand all this. With him, I tried to become what he wanted.

It was at a time when I reveled in solitude, like nature revels in rain after a drought, that I discovered my music, my dishes, new unexplored places in the world and new facets in myself. Then I first came into contact with yoga, meditation and self-development books. I discovered the existence of an entire universe that had no place in his space.

And as a result of all this experience, I received insight.

Insight #2: When you lose yourself in a man, you can lose yourself

I realized that my path in relationships is the path of partnership and mutual enrichment. And she promised herself to never again lose her values ​​in an attempt to get closer to a man.

What to do if this happens to you:

Step 1: Create inner space for your own interests.

Just let's agree right away: they should develop you. It's good if your hobbies sharpen your mind, develop skill and sensitivity, improve your body, and give you a boost of energy. Cause internal and external evolution. It’s bad if your “interests” lead to degradation.

It is very bad when one partner develops and the other does not. Such relationships sooner or later fizzle out.

Therefore, even if you watch TV series, study them from the point of view of character development and screenwriting. If you like to communicate with your friends, encourage each other to develop, and don’t just gossip.

Step 2. Stop doing what you don't like just to be good for your man.

Find spiritual common ground and common interests that will fulfill both of you.

Warning!

This is a very subtle point. If you completely stop working together, there is a risk that everyone will start living their own lives. I knew a couple who lived in the same space for 40 years, but since each had their own interests, they spent their entire lives not hand in hand, but in parallel. Such relationships do not make us happier. Rather, they only ruin life. After all, then the opportunity to live it with someone who is truly interesting and who can truly fill you is missed.

But completely dissolving in your man is dangerous. Dissatisfaction will accumulate because one’s interests are constantly being pushed aside. last place. Or in general, they are clogged with a cork. And who will be to blame for this? Of course he is!

(Who really is?)

Step 3: Stop making compromises.

If you have been together for a long time, if you want marriage and children, but he does not want this, then think about what you are missing out on.

Let's be honest. You are wasting your fertile time. Men who do not want responsibility know how to convincingly argue Dolce Vita. “Be in the moment, enjoy it! You only live once!" - they cry. - “You don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe we'll all be dead in a week! And you’re denying yourself the pleasure that you can get right now!”

But if you hear an internal tick-tock, if you can’t wait to become a wife and mother, and he categorically denies your desires, then think about it. It is nature itself that tells you: “This is not it! Go ahead!" So listen to yourself and go after your long-term desires, not immediate pleasures. This applies to both dessert and relationships.

Let's sum it up

Using the example of the previous and this story, I wanted to show you how two extremes prevent us from creating happy relationship.

The extreme of closedness leads to the fact that men are bypassed. The result is loneliness.

The extreme of dissolution leads to the fact that we bypass ourselves. In such relationships, we become an addition to ....., and not a separate integral unit. The result is a loss of yourself and your desires, and then a decline in interest in life and slow decay.

But these are not all the extremes that prevent us from creating and developing happy relationships.

Yours is very important to me Feedback! I let you into my very soul, and I would like to hear your response. Perhaps you had a similar experience or you learned some kind of lesson in relationships. Write about it in the comments, I will be glad to hear your stories. If you found this article helpful, please share it with others and maybe it will inspire someone close to you.

If you want to be interesting to your man and build a partnership with him, and not dissolve in his interests. Or if you don’t have a relationship in your life right now, but you dream of a man who will appreciate you, your values ​​and hobbies, we invite you to a free master class

You will understand how to build harmonious relationships based on love, mutual respect and trust.

One way or another, most women are never completely satisfied with themselves and their lives. Beauties want to be appreciated for their spiritual qualities, young girls want to become married, married girls want to be more independent. Mothers of sons dream of a daughter, career women dream of family happiness.

It's the same in relationships. Those who have a lover certainly want to change him. Girls always think that if their partner were different - richer, older, younger, more experienced, more interesting (and so on, the list is endless), they would certainly feel happier. What really makes a woman unhappy in a relationship, and how can you fix it?

A woman always wants more

There is no limit to perfection. There is always something to strive for. You can always have another child, buy another dress, get another promotion. The world is full of places you haven't been before, activities you've never done, people you don't know.

Women can be completely insatiable regarding their desires. This thirst for more, the thirst for something different, sometimes poisons their lives much more than what they actually have. Women manage to yearn for some other life unknown to them, even when they seem to be completely satisfied with what they have here and now.

The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish

Remember the main character? No, I'm not talking about a fish fulfilling the wishes of its captor. I'm talking about an old woman who was so intemperate in her desires that she ended up with nothing.

A kind of inner old woman lives in almost every woman. And on the one hand, this is good. Because it is women’s desires that drive a man’s actions. That is why they conquer peaks and become someone.

A loving man is ready for a lot, if not everything, for his woman. Therefore, it is good when the desires of his woman are an incentive for him to move forward.

Do you know what your compatibility with a man is?

To find out, click on the button below.

However, it is precisely new and new desires that do not satiate a woman’s soul, but, on the contrary, empty it, that become the main source of negativity and unhappiness in her life.

Married mothers raising children dream of exciting careers. Unmarried career women talk about family and children. Those who have a home and rear are about freedom, freedom is about attachments. The saying “You cannot embrace the immensity” cannot take root in the female mind.

This poisons not only the woman herself, but also the relationships in which she is found.

Dissatisfaction with your man and its consequences

An amazing fact - at first a woman dreams of meeting a man with whom she can share her life path. The longer the search process lasts, the more men she meets, tries different relationships, gets to know men from different sides.

In the end, it would seem, she chooses the best. The one who suited her more than others. The one in whom I am confident, the one I fell in love with. However, their relationship begins with the fact that she begins to actively change him or passionately desire him to change.

It seems that the same property of female nature is at work here. A woman wants to combine incompatible things in her man, and is not at all ready to accept the fact that some mental qualities, character traits, behavioral lines simply cannot exist within the framework of one person.

Stone wall

For example, a woman chooses a strong, independent and powerful man. And then he tries to drive him “under his heel.” She wants him to be strong and powerful somewhere else. Where it is implemented professionally, it makes money. For some reason, it seems to her that he should behave differently at home and with her.

And she requires sensitivity, tenderness and softness from him. That is, it requires him to become a completely different person at home. She expects that in his relationship with her he will begin to show those qualities that, in principle, are not characteristic of him.

Resentment, disappointment, anger. This is not what I wanted... Why then did you choose him?

Stay there - come here

An equally common situation is that a man who earns money craves more attention to his family and children. No, of course he should earn more, not less, year after year. But at the same time, you have to manage to do it in such a way as to be close to your wife and children.

Reluctance to admit that combining serious successful career and maximum involvement in the life of your family is almost impossible, driving a huge number of women crazy.

What to do?

Give up the endless desire to improve what is. Learn to feel satisfied and grateful for what you have today. Because only in this case will you be able to get that most cherished, better tomorrow.

Acceptance and gratitude

Thank this world for what it gives you, look inside for a feeling of peace and satisfaction with what you have. We are given what we deserve at this particular moment. What we want and what we strive for. If we accept with dignity what we have already received, the path is opened for us to receive more.

Become the woman you enjoy being with. And you will get a partner with whom you will feel good. Develop, discover new things, strive for the best, and the same will happen with the man who is next to you.

You don’t need to give up your desires, you just need to shift the focus of your attention from what you don’t have to what you have already achieved. Enjoy what life gives you at every moment, try to see opportunities rather than problems in difficulties. Feeling happy, as well as feeling unhappy, is a choice you can learn to make every day.

Attention. One sign is enough. Don’t ask yourself questions - but I only have 6th and 8th, isn’t everything good? Everything is bad.

— He: always busy, sick or depressed. You: jump around him in “leave me alone old lady, I’m sad” mode. Truth: if you saw how he sings like a nightingale, forgetting about depression and work schedule, at a meeting of classmates. And these excuses are just for you, in case you come in handy again.

“He sleeps with you night after night and doesn’t even try to have sex.” And this is more than a month, and he is not 50. You: write whiny posts in GO “what does this mean” and read only the most compassionate ones from the comments. Truth: He wants or already has another woman.

— Between meetings, he tends to live in the “absolutely nothing personal” mode. You: so perplexed that your eye begins to twitch. The truth: there really is nothing personal between you. The boundaries are marked. He is comfortable - and nothing more.

- He: yearns for his former unhappy love, applying you like a poultice to carefully etched wounds. And he doesn't even hide it. You: understandunderstandsunderstand and hopehopehopehope. Truth: he does everything to get her back. And they will tell you how wonderful you are.

— He: cums too quickly. You: say “Nothing, cat, I still felt good.” Truth: he is no good at sex and it is irreparable.

— He: too complex and always in the throes of self-discovery. He can text you in the middle of the night about the meaning of life, but he can’t just take you for a walk in the park on the weekend. You: respond to an SMS, choosing your words carefully and proud of the trust you have shown, while you are walking in the park with a friend. Truth: He's not interested in you. He is only interested in him.

— He: doesn’t pay for you in a cafe or tries to borrow money. You: honestly hand him the stolnik, he won’t miss it. Truth: He's a sore loser.

- More than once a month you sit down to write in two columns the pros and cons of your relationship, trying to make a painful decision - to quit or not. Truth: everything has been clear to you for a long time.

- You think about your connection in terms that are true for the past, not for the present. For example: he
so tender. Although the last time he was gentle with you was in December 2007. Or: we have such passion. Although your passion has been measured by rare hasty meetings for months now. Truth: move the starting point to December 2007 - your relationship ended then.

— He always scolds his bosses, parents or ex-girlfriends-wives. You: say - of course, cat, they don’t understand you. Truth: He's a sore loser and says nasty things about you to his buddies.

- He: infinitely virtual. You are in love, but there are no meetings. You: stupid. Truth: Most likely married, or too fat, or with teenage acne, or impotent, or a pervert.

- He: doesn’t love you. You: after reading all this, you still hope. The truth: you have such small demands on the quality of your life that you will have to continue to swallow it all. Bon appetit.

Loneliness is a painful feeling. When I work with a client who is struggling with addiction and ask him to look within himself to understand what feelings he is trying to drown out with food or alcohol, I often hear the same answer: loneliness. You might think that this feeling is experienced mainly by those who live alone and have no family, but this is not the case. It is in partnerships that many people feel abandoned and isolated. Relationships do not always relieve loneliness; on the contrary, they sometimes cause it.

We feel deeply lonely when we want to feel spiritual contact with someone, but this someone is inaccessible to us, does not want or cannot open up to us. This feeling is certainly present when we are alone, but often it occurs in relationships when one or both partners have lost touch with each other - because one of them is angry or withdrawn, sick or very tired .

Having lost connection with ourselves, we cannot connect with others.

Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Feelings of emptiness occur when we are out of touch with ourselves—when we fail to listen to our feelings, judge ourselves, turn to addictions to relieve painful feelings, or hold someone else responsible for our feelings.

We will always feel lonely and abandoned when we give up on ourselves.

Moreover, having lost connection with ourselves, we cannot connect with others. And these broken connections become a source of deep despair and disappointment. A person who lives alone, but at the same time loves and values ​​himself, may not feel this painful emptiness. He is able to enjoy his solitude and maintain connections with others when they are ready to make contact.

What makes us lonely in relationships?

You may feel lonely with your partner if

Your heart is closed because this is how you protect yourself from resentment, anger or possible rejection. You cannot be in contact with your partner when you are closed.

The partner is closed, angry, or self-absorbed.

Your partner deliberately blocks communication with you, hiding behind work, TV, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet, and so on.

You adapt to your partner, trying to manage his feelings in this way. Giving up yourself for the sake of manipulation prevents you from creating a genuine soul connection.

Both of you or one of you does not want to notice the brewing conflict. The reluctance to speak openly about sensitive topics creates barriers between you.

Isolation disappears when we are open and open to each other.

You or your partner uses sex as a form of control.

You replay the relationship in your head instead of discussing it together with open hearts. Speculative analysis can be attractive at times, but after a while you feel bored and empty.

Your partner criticizes your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, or actions. Judgment and criticism divide people.

You or your partner are too tired, depressed, or unwell to keep in touch.

In a word, everything that separates us from ourselves and our partner causes a feeling of loneliness. Conversely, isolation disappears when we are frank and openly reach out to each other.

We feel connected to each other when

We are not afraid to be ourselves, to be vulnerable and to say what we think, without guilt or fear of judgment.

We are ready to face unpleasant experiences, deal with them carefully and learn from them - to take responsibility for all our feelings, and not to avoid them using various defenses. When we are in touch with ourselves, we can establish connections with others, we are ready to learn something new about ourselves and our partner, especially in conflicts.

We show care and compassion to ourselves and our partner.

Finding time to be together, talk, play, love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in personal growth and development of our relationships.

When spending time together, developing the ability to love yourself and share love with each other becomes a priority for both partners, you have big chance stay in genuine contact with yourself and each other. In such relationships, people rarely feel lonely.

about the author

Margaret Paul- family psychologist, co-author of the book “What’s stopping you from being happy” (co-authored with Jordan Paul, Centerpolygraph, 2009).