I don't feel love for anyone. Dislike is a disease
In the life of every person there is a need for love and close relationships. But sometimes we are able to make a problem out of this, or rather, our inability to wisely look at this aspect in our lives leads to sad consequences.
Very often women ask me questions about this, for example: “Why don’t I feel anything? I want a relationship, but it doesn't work out, or at first everything is fine, and then everything goes downhill. Why? Why did I become very often and a lot offended by my partner, although I don’t want this at all? Why doesn't my independence bring me happiness? And there are a lot of such questions.
Today I would like to consider a number of reasons why a person loses his ability to truly love and receive pleasure from it.
First, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that everything external reflects ourselves. And if something doesn’t suit us, we need to look inside ourselves and observe. Also always remember that the external will never be enough without the internal fulfillment and you will constantly try to fill this emptiness.
Therefore, we deal with the internal reasons for the inability to love, which do not allow us to build harmonious relationships.
Reasons that affect the ability to love:
1)Repressing painful experiences
We all accumulate various experiences in relationships with people throughout our lives. And sometimes close people (partners or friends) upset us or betray us. We are experiencing severe mental pain over this. And after that, we begin to be afraid of this pain, and make an unconscious decision to avoid any close relationships, so as not to experience these terrible feelings again. And accordingly, we stop feeling.
2) Mental crisis.
Such a crisis stems from the fact that, on the one hand, a person initially refuses his feelings (trying not to experience them), and on the other hand, he really misses it. He expects others to show their feelings and care for themselves, but accordingly he does not receive this, because he himself has built a wall inside that does not allow him to fully enjoy the relationship. Such people very often complain that “nobody understands them,” “nobody likes them,” “nobody wants to be friends with me,” or “all people think only about themselves, and no one needs me.”
Or else such people create a lot of different connections and friends for themselves in order to fill this void with at least something. They are very afraid to admit their loneliness. 
3) Unconscious aggression
When there is disappointment and loneliness inside a person, it brings him pain, and as a result of this, unconscious aggression towards people who want to build close relationships with them may appear. He gets angry even at those people who understand this moment, because he begins to see this person as an “insensitive psychologist” who is only able to analyze and does not give him a bit of love.
4) Not self love
When we don’t love ourselves and don’t take into account our needs, don’t feel ourselves, and generally don’t listen to ourselves, then accordingly we cannot show these feelings to others.
When a person begins to pay more attention to others than to himself, then he tries to earn love for himself rather than sincerely loving another person. Mutual love is initially built on harmonious attitude to oneself and understanding oneself, and then, already filled with these feelings, can give them to another.
5)Secrecy and ostentatious friendliness.
Often people hide from themselves, and thereby from others, their inner emptiness various signs attention. They are very friendly and always pay attention in the form of congratulations, kind words, expensive gifts, etc. They seem to glorify others, thereby expecting a response in their direction. Most often they do not receive it, because we attract only what is inside us, and not outside.
What do you need to do to learn to love sincerely and mutually?
- you need to recognize your inner pain and accept it. You need it in order for you to move on and develop. There is no development without pain.
Talk to your pain as if it were your own best friend, find out the reasons. You will learn a lot about yourself, trust me. - Recognize that no one owes you anything. And it’s stupid to wait and demand this from another person.
- allow yourself to feel and observe your emotions and feelings.
- learn to love and open your heart. See with the eyes of love, touch with the hands of love, try to represent love in every action. At first it will be on the levels of imagination, then it will move into a deep and healthy expression of unconditional love.
In fact, we have the right to choose what happens to us. But the most important obstacle to change is the fear of seeing our real feelings. Once you step over this barrier, further inner work will bring you only joy and pleasure. Believe me, I tested it myself.
It’s so nice to realize how multifaceted the palette of your own feelings is. It expands and inspires deep diving.
Yes, and people will immediately notice how you have changed.
Question to a psychologist:
Good afternoon I am 26 years old, my young man 30. Our relationship began more than a year ago, we met on the Internet, started communicating, but at that time I only needed him to forget my past man. Accordingly, after a couple of months, I offered to break up, although he said that he loved me. During the year we communicated, but very rarely, we went to a cafe a couple of times or just for a walk. A year later, he had an accident, we began to communicate more closely, and then I realized that I had fallen in love. At the moment we have been living together for half a year, a month ago he proposed to me. The problem is that I don’t feel love, care, and this has been throughout the entire relationship. We quarrel very often because he can say something rudely, or while I’m telling something, he simply says that he urgently needs to call and starts talking on the phone. He never asks anything, he himself doesn’t tell where he is or how his day went, he doesn’t share his problems. It's easier for him to tell his friends everything. Although I never condemned him and, on the contrary, I am always ready to support him. I feel unnecessary, a stranger to him. We quarrel over the phone, because he might be texting with someone at night, and I ask who. He starts to freak out. He never apologizes, even if he is guilty. He just gets offended and sits on the phone or just watches TV. I try to come home quickly after work, hug and be with him. But after one phrase from him, all desire disappears. Also regarding the proposal, he gave me a ring and asked me if I would become his wife, but he doesn’t talk about the wedding, not when, not where. Tell me, what is our problem? Maybe I'm too fixated, or is the problem with my man?
Psychologist Gerasimenko (Kolos) Lyudmila Nikolaevna answers the question.
Hello Irina, thanks for the question. In the first part of your letter, you write that you started communicating and then dating only to forget your past man. When you break up with someone dear to you, you can’t immediately enter into another relationship; the advice “knocks each other out” doesn’t work. Time must pass, experience and let go of feelings for another. Maybe there is something unfinished in the relationship (there was no last conversation, a showdown, there was no question last point. There is something left unsaid and unclarified. This will most likely extend into the next relationship, you will transfer grievances from one man to another, compare, wait for what that man did not give you. Psychologists are very helpful for this, creating an environment in which you can end the relationship with the man with whom you broke up and then, renewed, you enter into another relationship.
And in the second part, I can assume that it is possible that during courtship after the accident, you dissolved so much in your partner (merged) that he simply stopped noticing you. Advice: don’t lose your “I”, don’t get hung up on this problem, live a full, self-sufficient life, life doesn’t revolve around your partner, you should also have your own interests. Develop nearby, multiply your advantages. And who knows, maybe your man will notice you and look at you with completely different eyes. All the best, Irina.
I asked with another question, but everything was the same, and a couple of months have passed. The thing is that he doesn’t pay attention to me, we live together, we have a normal relationship with his mother (she also lives with us). He practically doesn’t approach me, he’s cold, I ask him “do you love me?” He sometimes is silent, says I don’t know, and sometimes he says, “If I didn’t love you, you wouldn’t be here anymore,” but recently I asked again, he answered yes. I went to his VKontakte page, where he had likes on his posts that I didn’t feel anything for anyone, no love, no affection, etc. I recently told him that we were breaking up, to which he replied “do as you please”... I am also to some extent a psychologist, I understand people, but I need professionals, then they gave me answers to that link, and they helped me. for some time. But the problem doesn't go away. I tried to talk to him, to solve the problem, but he doesn’t see it as a problem and leaves the conversation, I understand that we need to talk and always discuss the problem and look for a way out, but I can’t force him, I want to try in a month when he’s on vacation will come and let some time pass so as not to torment him. I also remember we talked a long time ago on this topic, he said that he was afraid to open up to someone again, he was afraid that he would be abandoned again and he couldn’t for now, I think that these are all excuses, enough time has passed since that moment, he sees that no one loved him like that Much like me, I really want to save this union. I can’t live normally, I’ve lost weight, my mood depends only on him, it’s terrible. I ask for your help.
I guess I should also point out my shortcomings: I think he’s tired of me, he sees that I’m not going anywhere, I’m not leaving him, and he’s probably taking advantage of it.
My flaw is this: I love him too much, I follow him everywhere, even his relatives once told me (Name), stop following him, you should, on the contrary, show your coldness to some extent.
But I can not. I'm attached, I'm obsessed with him. I fell in love for the second time. After breaking up with my first love, I couldn’t date anyone at all, everyone annoyed me, I left them after a week, but then I fell in love. I can say with confidence, I LOVED it. Although he is far from handsome, he is also dystrophic, but for me he is the best and most beautiful. Many of my friends don’t understand how I could get along with him. I’m 20, he’s 26. However, I won’t call him an adult)) These are just numbers. I apologize for the insults towards him. Just to make everything clear.
Author's addition from 08/25/17 23:22:18
Yes, you are right) I control him, read his correspondence, see what he likes, see who he calls, but I try to do it when he doesn’t see it, I’m afraid of betrayal, that he will leave, that the end will come.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. For a year everything was fine, but mostly the initiative came from me. I was the first to get in touch on the Internet. He immediately supported the conversation and offered to meet. He is a shy guy and has hardly dated girls. He was 25 years old, he had his only girlfriend when she was 22, he dated her for six months, according to him, he ran away on his own because... I was afraid that I would not be able to develop the relationship further. It so happened that I am an active person and took almost all the initiative upon myself. She called him more often and always supported him in everything. We walked for a long time, he introduced me to all his relatives and friends, everyone was happy for him. It was a little difficult for him to come to our house, but then he got used to it and came more often. We generally spent almost all our time at his house. His parents consider me one of their own, I will always help in everything, I always came with gifts for his younger brother. I studied, came for the weekend, and we spent them together. We were invited together to all my and his relatives. In the spring, I received assignment to a village 150 km from home, I was there for practice, he came, he liked everything, work could be found for him there, apartments were cheap, we even discussed it. He talked about raising money for the wedding. And then it got worse... His dream was a car, all the talk about it. He began to write less often and enjoy meetings less. He stopped talking about leaving with me. He said that everything would be resolved in the summer, but when I graduated, everything got even worse. Meetings became more rare and dry. His mother started talking about the wedding and then abruptly stopped talking about it, he is also silent. In his house, the relationship between his parents is bad, his father lies on the sofa, and his mother is on her own, often running to her friends and drinking, because of this, neither her husband nor her children respect her. His sister, 24 years old, is reserved and arrogant; during these 1.5 years of acquaintance with me she only says hello or conveys something to me through her brother. My boyfriend says that he, as the eldest, has never seen love in the family, which is why he is so withdrawn. But the first year of the relationship changed him a lot. If before that he did not recognize physical intimacy, then later he liked it, there were kisses and hugs, there was rare sex. I studied in the city - 50 km from our village, and often invited him to come to me for the weekend, to be alone in the apartment, to go somewhere. He came a couple of times after much persuasion, but with reluctance, the next day he rushed home in the morning, saying that he somehow felt uneasy. And since the summer, our relationship has become even drier. Kissing and hugging are generally rare, the desire to be alone is also rare, I almost stopped calling, became more irritable, stopped talking about the future. I also began to wait for his initiative, but there was almost none. I am offended by his inattention, but he remains silent or is offended that I reproach him. He doesn’t come for several days, and then he says that I could come myself, as happened before. When we meet, he won’t hug you, when you say goodbye, he’ll shake your hand and that’s it. He says that before I could kiss him myself. He doesn't say he misses him. No emotions, he says that’s how he is. I bought a car, and there was a sea of emotions and a sea of time devoted to it. I was very hot, now I’ve cooled down because of his coldness, I don’t show initiative, and he practically doesn’t either. I want love, care, attention. His mother says his grandfather and father are like that. Grandma says that she has been unloved all her life. I told him that if he doesn’t need me, let’s break up, he blames me for everything. Sad and offensive. He took out insurance for his car in my name when I need it, he gives it to me, when I or my parents ask for help, he will always come and help, but he won’t figure it out himself. He has my photos on ICQ on the Internet. But I didn’t see the joy when I managed to get a job in our village, with such difficulty I canceled the contract concluded in another city... I didn’t see the joy, it was so insulting. And now he says I’m like this... Needed... But I don’t see or feel his love, all the meetings seem to be for show.
Hope, Kazakhstan, 21 years old / 09/14/16
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
Nadya, I understood the story, but I didn’t understand the question. Apparently because everything is more than obvious. This guy won't work hard for you. He did not spend any effort to “conquer” you; you are an easy and therefore not particularly valuable “prey”. Not even prey, but, forgive the comparison, pasture. There was no sparkle in the eyes, there was no excitement, there was no interest or desire. You offered yourself, you took the initiative, you led the relationship yourself. And now I suddenly wanted to feel weak and desired. Why suddenly? It's just like in jokes about feminists. If in your couple the man has always been a lack of initiative plankton, if he was never particularly interested in all this, and he would not have developed the relationship at all if you had not shown any effort, then why suddenly now you demand that he become different? Either continue to love what you picked up, or finally admit that this “real estate” is not worth your “investment”, neither emotional, nor intellectual, nor otherwise. I broke the contract - what a stupid thing to do. For whose sake and what? You are 21 years old. Do you need to get married urgently? For what purpose? In life, playing at being a man in a relationship with someone to whom cars and comfort are so dear to you that even sex with you is not a motivation to change something? Stop ruining your life already, renew the contract and forget about the one to whom you didn’t give in for nothing.
Sergey
Nadezhda, I personally believe that every person, upon reaching adulthood, is free to ruin his life as he pleases. Therefore, if you really want to spend time trying to educate this comrade into something more or less digestible, then for God’s sake, have fun. After all, I even understand your interest. You are a young girl, passionate, and here is such a non-trivial problem. And it’s nice to feel like you’re in charge in a relationship with an older guy, dragging him along like a little one, teaching him. A kind of game with a big living doll. However, I don’t recommend getting too carried away. Judging by what you write, the young man is quite withdrawn, poorly socialized and very childish. You could spend your whole life redoing such a “frame” and still achieve nothing. And it must be somehow scary to have children with such a dad. Although, of course, to each his own. But is it worth wasting your life on something unknown? The world is big and there is a huge amount of normal people looking for their soul mate. It is quite possible that someone is looking for you while you indulge your maternal instinct with an overgrown teenager. Aren’t you ashamed that you are robbing him and yourself, shortening the time of your happiness together? No, I understand that you kind of feel responsible. I admit that feelings of guilt and pity weigh on the conscience. But life is not rubber. And sooner or later, you will definitely think about why you spent so much time playing with dolls. In my opinion, you should wish your friend all the best as quickly as possible and start studying, looking for a job and truly your man. But, of course, it's up to you to decide. Each of us is the creator of our own problems.