Like loneliness: who chooses a solitary lifestyle

August 31, 2017 - 3 comments

“...Meaning is in people, happiness is in people, you are in people, and people are in you. This is the best and most important thing that SVP gave me. I reached out to them, and they reached out to me. I like it when I do something that makes my family, loved ones and just other people happy, whom I don’t even know sometimes, I feel a surge of vivacity and energy, and now I can confidently say: I LOVE YOU, LIFE! I LOVE YOU, SYSTEM-VECTOR PSYCHOLOGY!

I don’t know how exactly it works - understanding causes, consequences, revealing another in yourself or something that makes you feel differently, but I can say with confidence - I have never felt so in love with this world ... "

Find meaning that will replace loneliness

System-vector psychology shows the causes of loneliness. This will help the sound artist understand himself, realize how to realize himself in this world. How to find what he needs just like air. What will bring you pleasure.

It’s a difficult task to write an article on the topic of loneliness. After all, loneliness is a very deep and difficult human experience, and saying something about it in a nutshell is a difficult task.

Our modern life increasingly pushes people towards isolation, separation, and alienation. What comes to mind are stills from the movie “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears,” where the main character comes to a dating club and is told about how many single men and women there are these days, and also about the fact that people have completely forgotten how to make friends.

Has anything changed since this film was made? Have we become closer to each other? Have you learned to get acquainted and communicate? Unfortunately, it seems that the change in the social system and the aspiration of our country to market economy led to even greater alienation of people.

If earlier, when walking along a city street, you retained the belief that in a difficult situation someone around you would help you, now people easily pass by, or simply stop to see how things will end.

On the one hand, we have become more mobile, there is more information, there is more freedom, but at the same time, isolation is not only not decreasing, but is increasing more and more. And behind it comes a feeling of loneliness.

The famous American psychologist I. Yalom, following many philosophers, says that loneliness is a kind of given fact of our existence.

We are all alone, and no matter how much we strive to get rid of this loneliness, it will still accompany us throughout our lives. Often, according to Yalom, a lot psychological problems in people they arise because people are afraid of their loneliness and reject it.

Let's think a little about how loneliness appears in our lives. Initially, when a child is in the womb, he experiences unity with her, and loneliness little affects him.

It falls on him at the moment of birth. The moment he becomes a separate being, he becomes familiar with the feeling of loneliness with which we are all familiar.

However, this is only the beginning of his acquaintance with loneliness. Yes, he is already physically separated from his mother, but the psychological connection will remain for a long time.

The close connection of a child with his mother allows him to enter the world of people, and if there is a good enough mother next to him, then she will come to his every call with an answer, which will create the feeling that he is not alone.

By the way, psychoanalysts believe that a person who develops a depressive type of character (prone to episodes of low mood and apathy) most likely experienced a painful separation from his mother (or another significant person) in his childhood.

What tells us that in order to cope with the feeling of loneliness, you need to be ready to meet it, and this readiness is closely related to the confidence that someone needs you.

The love and care of a mother literally grows into a person’s psyche, and in the future, when he is faced with a feeling of loneliness, he will be able to console himself in the same way as his mother did in childhood.

Gradually, over the years, the feeling of loneliness can gain momentum. This is due to the fact that a person develops and becomes more and more original and unique. (If, of course, he follows the path of developing his potential.)

Creative people Those who are able to look at life in a new way often experience a feeling of loneliness. And that's quite normal.

It is enough to recall some of the great seers who were ahead of the time and era in which they lived in their discoveries and works of art. However, if a person is original, this does not mean that he will certainly be lonely.

So how do you deal with feelings of loneliness?

Communication is the medicine that helps heal a lonely soul. But a lot here depends on the quality of this communication.

For communication to help, it should not be just formal, like “how are you?” - "Fine". Such communication also gives the feeling that someone is nearby, but it does not quench your thirst. What does every person crave? He craves understanding.

Every person wants to be understood and to share with him what he is experiencing. Here you can safely recall the quote from the film: “Happiness is when you are understood.”

Loneliness cannot be removed. It cannot be cured. You can't hide from him. But paradoxically, it can be shared with another. As they say, “two solitudes meet.”

By opening our soul to another person, we can come into such intimate contact with him that the pain from our feeling of loneliness gradually begins to quench. This usually happens if the other person is sincerely interested in us, interested in understanding how we live, how we experience certain events.

It is very common to see elderly people sitting in long queues at clinics. Young people may be “strained” by the fact that old people strive to discuss something with someone. But the queue at the clinic has paradoxically become the place where older people meet, where they communicate with each other, and where they can at least slightly relieve the tension from the feeling of loneliness and isolation that each of them experiences.

Previously, this function was performed by the tradition of communication on benches near the entrance, which, unfortunately, was gradually lost in the modern metropolis.

To summarize this short article, we can say that loneliness cannot be eliminated, but it can be shared with another person.

Even two fishermen sitting next to each other in the morning, silently looking at the float, feel less lonely, and sometimes they are even closer to each other than many of us, all those who endlessly and fussily discuss something. Understanding, unity and Meeting (with a capital letter) are the true cure for loneliness.

I really want to be happy, at least a little...

she lived alone, loneliness did not bother her, it had long become closer to her than one could imagine, but sometimes she wanted more than talking with the dog and with him... with loneliness, then she drove it away, but it never went far. on dark, cold evenings it quietly scratched at the window - the rain hitting the window sill, or tried to get into the gap between the floor and the door. at these moments she began to be afraid of him... his persistence and not understanding that she was tired of his presence... at these moments she had to leave, and then the time of revelry and stupid actions began... Think? no, at such moments she didn’t want to think more than anything else...
with the words “come what may” she threw herself into the pool of love, alcohol, dancing and sleepless nights. And only in the morning the thought “how tired of this, and where is he!? The long-awaited and only one” came to mind...

and then she got tired of everything again, and she returned to her home, to her cold and empty bed, and let loneliness come back, and it filled the empty space of her home, soul, heart...
This could have gone on forever, if on one of the riotous nights she was accustomed to, she had not met him... At that moment, he seemed to her something other than earthly, so out of reach, so dear and close...

Thoughts began to spin in his head, his heart began to beat at a frantic rhythm, and it seemed that just a little more and it would jump out into his hands.
Love covered her completely. she forgot about everything... and even that loneliness, her faithful friend, and fear awaited her at home.

She will never forget their first kiss. even more likely not the kiss itself, but the feeling when the world is not just earth, but the whole world! they disappear from under their feet, this small trembling in the knees when they give way and completely refuse to stand straight, and to stand at all. At that moment, I was saved from falling by my hands, which tightly clung to the door frame.
A short one for now, and a long sleepless night, but not from loneliness, but from the thoughts “this is it! This is what I wanted for so long, and what I constantly talked about with him - loneliness.”

He was for her something more than a person, more than a loved one, she could look at him for hours green eyes, she didn’t even need words, she was ready for anything, if only those eyes would look at her the same way, always...
And then there was the first betrayal, the first pain, the first feeling of emptiness... and she will not forget these feelings just like that first kiss...
But her love overpowered that pain, hatred and anger, she was ready to close her eyes to everything, because she loved... And having stepped over her pride, she forgave...

But there was a sediment left in her soul, a black, dirty sediment, and no matter how deeply she tried to hide it, it still came out, and then her head was filled with suspicious thoughts. And she changed... hatred and anger awoke, and when these ingredients met in her soul, she exploded... receiving a new dose of pain...

but looking into his eyes, she began to drown... and drown all the bad things he did... said...

for some reason she could no longer speak, or rather be sure that she was happy... And loneliness began to come to her again... it sang lullabies to her at night, and wiped away the lonely tear that was rolling down
on her cheek when she was sleeping... She was with him, but he was far from her, and this abyss did not decrease, it was like black hole, sucked into herself everything that she dreamed of, that she had, and most importantly, she took it...

she began to cool down... returned to her cold house, rejoicing in her loneliness... not physical, moral... because it didn’t bring her as much pain as he did.....

probably at one moment, he realized that he began to lose her... maybe he truly loved her, or maybe he was afraid that she would go to someone else, but he did not notice the abyss that had come between them, in comparison with her, he didn’t see such things, or didn’t want to see them... he wasn’t bad, he was cruel, but she loved him, she just couldn’t stand the pain anymore... and choosing the lesser of two evils, she left..... ..

oddly enough, leaving did not bring her any peace, even through a distance he hurt her... she thought about him every day, she could not imagine that he would have another. not she....
And it drove her crazy... Pain, distance, hope, faith, love...

Loneliness awaited her every day after work, it convinced her that she would be better off with him, it hated it. it agreed to everything, even to her driving him away, as before... going on crazy sprees... but she no longer needed it... she again began to feel his lack of grip... a short correspondence in Internet, and another sleepless night was guaranteed. He was like a drug to her, “and with him you’ll die, and without him you’ll go through withdrawal.” She hated herself for her weakness, and him for being there... She convinced herself that she didn’t need him, that she could live! - without him... that this is not love, “meetings, quarrels, partings” and so on in a circle...

but no one could convince her...

and here is another meeting... and it seems like love and happiness again... but not for long... he has not changed, he only became even tougher....
and again the same mistakes, pain, tears, resentment, hatred...

And she was left alone again, in the same company of her faithful friend-fear - loneliness...

she loves him... he loves her -....

no matter where he is, she will always be with him... mentally...

and looking into the reflections, she will hate herself - for the fact that she cannot forget the pain, for the fact that she cannot be happy... and I, will look from these reflections and hate her.....

A person always expects recognition of his personality from others. If this does not happen, then a feeling of alienation arises, which is called loneliness.

Feelings of loneliness can occur even when you have real connections with other people. A person may feel unwanted and unloved big family or rejected by the team. The feeling of loneliness can occur sporadically, like a flash, or it can take root in a person’s mind as an obsessive state.

Loneliness is always accompanied by tension and anxiety associated with dissatisfaction with communication or intimate relationships.

Types of feelings of loneliness

People with a state of loneliness differ from each other in their own activity and degree of experience.

There are several types of feelings of loneliness:

1. Hopelessly lonely people: dissatisfied with their relationships, having a feeling of abandonment and emptiness.

3. Persistently single people are passive people who have come to terms with their condition.

4. People are not lonely social isolation which is voluntary, temporary, and does not cause a feeling of oppression.

In psychiatry, there are two types of loneliness:

• The first type of loneliness is associated with a person’s alienation from himself: his past, experience, from the functioning of his own body. Loneliness is associated with problems of perception and assimilation of the mechanisms of development and self-preservation of the body.
• The second type of loneliness is associated with the quality of relationships with other people, acceptance, evaluation of this quality and a person’s acceptance of himself as an individual.

The feeling of loneliness is defined as a painful experience of isolation. This experience becomes obsessive and takes over all the person’s thoughts and actions. Loneliness is experienced as depression, melancholy, boredom, sadness, despair. A person may worry about lost connections, lack of self-acceptance, and lack of awareness of oneself as an accomplished person.

Situational, transient loneliness can appear after certain unpleasant events: divorce, death of loved ones, job loss, serious injury or illness. After some time, the person comes to terms with the loss and completely or partially overcomes his condition. The situational feeling of loneliness is expressed in short-term attacks, which, as a rule, pass without a trace.

Sometimes this condition does not go away, but turns into chronic loneliness. This occurs if, in the event of losses, a person cannot cope with his emotional state and does not find strength and opportunity in establishing relationships with significant people. At the same time, there is a loss of interaction mechanisms.

Chronic loneliness can accompany a person from childhood. This usually occurs when there is a lack of emotional attachment between children and parents. It is possible that this is an unwanted child, or a child who does not meet the parents' expectations. From childhood, the child is forced to avoid contact with his parents, or he is simply deprived of them. The habit of loneliness also persists in communication with a group of peers, where the child independently alienates himself from others. This produces a persistent, chronic feeling of loneliness.

However, it should be noted that in some cases people are quite comfortable in their isolated state. In this case we're talking about about personality traits bordering on pathology.

We can talk about loneliness only if a person clearly understands the inferiority of his relationships with the people around him. In other words, a person experiences his loneliness in the literal sense of the word. At the same time, the feeling of loneliness is influenced not so much by the relationship itself, but by a person’s idea of ​​what they should be like. Due to this discrepancy, a person who constantly communicates with one or two individuals may experience an acute lack of communication and feel loneliness.

The feeling of loneliness is understood as difficult emotional condition, caused by dissatisfaction of the need for interpersonal relationships.

Some psychologists believe that a person is inherently born, lives and dies alone. Others believe that man is a social being and should be surrounded by his own kind.

The first signs of an increased feeling of loneliness appear in adolescence. In this case, the frequency and number of contacts does not matter; satisfaction with communication is more important.

The experience of loneliness can be caused by a number of reasons:

• A person's inability to tolerate solitude.
• Low self-esteem projected onto others: “I’m scary, worthless, no one can love me.”
• Anxiety and social fears: other people's opinions, ridicule, being different from everyone else.
• Lack of communication.
• Distrust of people.
• Tightness and stiffness.
• Constant incorrect choice partners.
• Fear of being rejected by your partner.
• Fear and anxiety regarding intimacy.
• Unrealistic claims and desires.
• Lack of initiative, communicative passivity.

The feeling of loneliness largely depends on self-esteem. Lonely people often feel worthless, incompetent, and second-rate. This perception of oneself justifies the absence of regular communication partners. Lonely people do not trust others. They are often hypocritical, stubborn, and cautious.