How to deal with an inappropriate person at home. WHAT to do with INADQUATE and UNBEARABLE people in your life: advice from a psychiatrist

From time to time, we all come across people who behave inappropriately - they are rude, avoid constructive dialogue, and deceive. Psychiatrist with 30 years of experience, Mark Goulston, author of the book “Talking to Crazy. How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life,” knows how to communicate with such interlocutors.

Goulston emphasizes: each of us can find ourselves in a state of temporary insanity

If you find such a person as your interlocutor, be patient - communicating with temporarily insane people requires a lot of vitality.

Here are some tips from Mark Goulston that will help you in negotiations and dealing with inappropriate people.

Attack back

Once on the road, Goulston cut off a truck driver, and he was about to break the offender’s ribs. But the psychiatrist decided to cheat and pretended to be even more crazy, shouting that someone should stop the suffering of the aggressive driver - for example, by shooting him. The hot-tempered trucker fell into a stupor from surprise, and began to calm the enraged Goulston - they say, bad things happen, and if you pull yourself together, everything will work out. They parted as best friends.

Try to stay calm

Often manipulators try to unbalance their interlocutor in order to gain the upper hand - they say terrible things, behave rudely, make inappropriate jokes and remarks, and get personal.

But if you allow your emotions to overwhelm you, you will end up with a dialogue between two “inadequate people” instead of at least some constructive conversation. Moreover, the provocateur will remain extremely pleased with himself, and you will waste your time and nerves.

Goulston advises to “wait out the storm” as calmly as possible and show that you are not dangerous to the aggressor by bringing him into the “zone of prudence”: listen carefully, sympathetically and without criticism to all the arguments. You can even apologize. This way, he may understand that you are on his side and move on to a calmer dialogue.

Set your conditions and talk about the consequences

Sometimes it is useful to remind people who are particularly presumptuous and have lost touch with reality that their actions and outrageous behavior will not go unpunished. “If you continue to behave this way, I will be forced to report this to your superiors, as well as to the management of the company. You will be fined and possibly even fired.”

But you need to be prepared for the fact that you will have to abandon a client, partner, or fire your best sales manager

Otherwise, they will understand that all your words are empty words and will continue their irrational behavior.

Don't reward "bad behavior"

Even the most inadequate person does not behave like a complete crazy person with everyone. And patients in psychiatric clinics are afraid of orderlies with straitjackets. The superiors of an inadequate person or the people on whom he depends almost never see his hysterics and manipulations - after all, this can end badly for him.

Often manipulators start with small “checks”, testing the weak points of those around them - throwing mini-hysterics, putting forward strange demands or claims. You just have to give in a little or ignore the warning signs, and you won’t notice how they will immediately sit on your neck.

It is best to immediately stop attempts to dominate you - this will help you get rid of the destructive person in advance.

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Try to find leverage

Pay attention to how civil servants behave in their reception rooms. They do not try to prove anything to visitors and do not enter into arguments with them. When aggressive behavior they simply call security or close the door in the face of particularly rowdy visitors. Inappropriate people have no choice but to calm down. Because they, as a rule, do not have any leverage over the official. Try to arrange your life so that all the trump cards are in your hands.

Also, do not forget that self-respect, clearly defined personality boundaries, self-control and wisely used levers of influence will be useful to you in any situation, even a conflict.

Mark Goulston (born 1948 in the USA) is a psychiatrist, professor at the Neuropsychiatric University at the University of California at Los Angeles, business consultant, and founder of a negotiator training course for police and the FBI.

Complexity of presentation

The target audience

Anyone who is forced to communicate with difficult or inadequate people.

The book talks about how we should deal with insufferable people who are unable to communicate constructively. The author gives recommendations on how to competently get out of destructive conversations and maintain your sanity, offers techniques for psychological protection from all sorts of incomprehensible personalities.

Let's read together

There are many inadequate people in our environment: they can be friends, colleagues, or even ourselves. Not a single logical argument can surpass the knowledge of psychology and motives in such cases, since we initially do not know how to communicate effectively in critical situations. Not only a mentally ill person can be called a psycho, but a subject with a temporary state of inadequacy. He looks for controversial differences, speaks confidently and sharply, and any formulaic calming techniques aimed at him do not work. As a result, we have damaged relationships and an incomprehensible state of mind.

1. When we are sent, we always want to leave, slamming the door. Any accusatory words are taken too seriously, even if we are not guilty. A person who has entered into an emotional frenzy begins to be rude and argue. To turn this thread into a constructive conversation, you should ask him if he doesn't like us that much or if he's just upset by our actions. This question will help both understand their intentions, and then the interlocutor is quite capable of admitting that the problem is only in an unpleasant situation, and not in us.

2. When we are wrong, we should not make excuses, but admit our guilt and ask what needs to be done for the other to make amends. Most likely, the interlocutor will answer us in kind if he understands that he too could be too arrogant or dismissive. It is important who goes to war first.

3. If we don’t know what to do, we need to model the situation for the future, clarifying how we should do the right thing in the future so as not to upset the interlocutor.

4. Sometimes offended people It is noticeable that they feel terrible, are hysterical, do not know what to do. Instinctively, we want to reassure a person with the phrases “everything will be fine,” “calm down,” but they do not work because the feelings of our interlocutor are ignored. To correct the situation, you need to take three steps: understand him, listen carefully and let him speak out; analyze the facts by asking several clarifying questions; move the conversation into the future.

5. Sometimes the interlocutor puts himself very highly; such know-it-alls cause exceptional irritation. Even if these people are smart, they bombard us with terms, express superficial friendliness and goodwill, but they are only interested in their personal goals. To put a person in his place, you can express respect for his intelligence and results achieved, but make it clear that his arrogance prevents others from noticing these talents. The more we flatter such know-it-alls, the less likely we are to be humiliated by them. You can find words that would enhance flattery, but make it clear to the person that he is harming himself.

6. Reactions to sarcasm should be in the spirit of “How are you doing?” - “Like a few minutes ago.” It is necessary to take calm pauses and continue as if we had read the thoughts of the interlocutor, then he will leave us behind and take the conversation in a peaceful direction.

7. In the case of manipulating us, it is noticeable how people lie and show emphasized courtesy, forcing us to do something beneficial to them. You can answer in the spirit of “I know what you are hiding” and not be mistaken.

When we encounter an irrational person, it can be scary to admit that we practically hate this person. This means one thing: it’s time to end the relationship with him. If a person wants to return us, he must adhere to the following principles:

1. Do not react and do not take his problems into your area of ​​responsibility.
2. Don’t take risks and don’t give him the opportunity to distort our words and make us guilty.
3. Do not reanimate the relationship, avoid such situations in every possible way and go to the end. An irrational person will switch to another when he realizes that we do not fall for his tricks.

The best test for recognizing a personality disorder is to ask about past grievances and disappointments and who the person tends to blame most. The author identifies six main types of such people:

1. Hysteroid, in need of increased attention.
2. A narcissist who considers himself the center of the universe.
3. Dependent on other people always and in everything.
4. Paranoid, not trusting us one bit.
5. A borderline type, living in a state of perpetual crisis, fearful of our control. Such people either love us or hate us.
6. A sociopath, initially very pleasant to talk to, but he lacks compassion and conscience.

Some people tend to manipulate and disregard the wishes of others. Such a “splitter” is trying to drag us into a game against a third party who refused him. This can destroy the relationship between us and the person we encounter. The author proposes the following action plan:

1. It is necessary to check the facts and show the interlocutor that we have figured it out. You should have a conversation with him about how to avoid disappointment without slandering other people.

2. If a similar situation arises at work, you need to call a third person on speakerphone and find out everything. This way we will understand how exaggerated the words of the interlocutor were, who tried to drag us into a quarrel.

3. We should be puzzled as to how reasonable the behavior of the person who answered “no” to our interlocutor is. This is taken into account when determining aggressiveness or irrationality.

4. You can pause and ask your interlocutor leading questions about the third party and why they answered “no.” The “splitter” may be outraged that both we and that person behave the same way and go over to each other’s side.

All this is aimed at achieving three goals: to provide support to the person who answered “no”; show the “splitter” that we are aware of his behind-the-scenes game; give him the opportunity to understand that the word “no” does not mean the end of the world and this refusal will help him in the future to stop manipulating people.

Behavior of manipulators as a special type of crazy does not work for a long time, since many people try to avoid communicating with them. But they succeed where we allow them, squeezing us out both emotionally and even financially. The best answer to their request for help would be: “I will help, but what are you willing to do for me?” In relation to professional manipulators, it is necessary to use soft (polite) and hard (decisive) forms of refusal.

Best Quote

“Sometimes you have to give up to win the battle.”

What the book teaches

- It must be remembered that the happiness of each of us depends on the perception and response to other people and events.

- You should learn to negotiate with your environment and filter it, while remaining yourself.

- If you have the opportunity not to communicate with a psycho, don't do it. While your investment in a relationship with such a person is low, it is better to end it.

From the editor

We all periodically have to find ourselves in a situation where a question asked of us causes stupor and confusion. Most often such questions are asked energy vampires who enjoy the outburst of our emotions. How to build a psychological defense and fight back a manipulator in order to put him in an uncomfortable position, read the article by a psychologist and business coach Olga Yurkovskaya: .

Is your interlocutor trying to attract attention by demonstrating his “coolness”? You can be sure - this is a psychological teenager. A psychologist talks about methods of communication and prospects for interaction with psychological teenagers Anna Vaasi: .

Pick-up courses remain popular among insecure guys, where trainers teach men how to manipulate women, create illusions in them, and, by and large, deceive them. Why women fall for pick-up artists and how to avoid becoming a victim of the next Casanova, says psychologist and vertebrologist Natalia Tereshchenko: .

Psychiatrist Mark Goulston in his book “How to Talk to Assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life" (ed. "Mann, Ivanov, Ferber") calls people who behave irrationally crazy.

Of course, “psycho” is a sonorous, provocative word, but, firstly, we still do not meet people suffering from mental disorders so often. And secondly, you shouldn’t stigmatize them by using this word.

However, there are quite a lot of people who say and do meaningless things, who are unable to discuss issues constructively, who become nervous and irritable. Goulston tells how to communicate with them.

Don't take anything personally

“Realize that crazy behavior is not about you. But it says a lot about the person you are dealing with. By ceasing to take his words personally, you will deprive the enemy of an important weapon,” explains the psychiatrist.

First, try to understand why the person behaves this way. Goulston gives this explanation.

People who have been overly pampered often seek to manipulate others. They often demonstrate extremely emotional reactions whenever they have to do something they don’t want to do.

Those who are constantly scolded and criticized become aggressive or know-it-all; they may follow a certain logic too strictly or pay attention exclusively to practical details.

People who have often been ignored feel afraid, lose hope or withdraw into themselves, or consider themselves martyrs because they are used to no one ever helping them.

Choose the appropriate reaction

If an inadequate person tries to manipulate, learn to say a firm and calm “no.”

If a know-it-all is annoying with arrogance and advice, just give him what he needs: a little flattery and recognition of his authority. Instead of arguing and proving that you are also “not a camel,” just agree with him, accompanying him with the comment: “Yes, this is a common thought, a cool idea.”

If the “martyr” again tries to sacrifice himself, is embarrassed to ask for help, thereby sabotaging some common cause, order him to accept help. Say: “If there is anything I can do to help you, tell me right now. I will do my best." And now you are discussing the action plan specifically and substantively.

Keep your composure

An inadequate person will try to unbalance you. And, believe me, it will be quite difficult not to react to provocations.

Goulston offers three principles to help with this.

- Don't react. Don't allow yourself to think that this person's problems are your responsibility or the result of your mistakes. Repeat to yourself: “This is his point of view, his problem, his responsibility.”

- Don't take risks. Don't give this person any chance to twist your words and make you guilty or responsible for the situation. (You can also acknowledge his feelings: “I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way,” or “You seem really upset.”)

- Do not resuscitate. Do not allow situations in which a person would try to revive your relationship and begin to manipulate you again.

Try to apologize and give the relationship another chance.

It is likely that an inadequate person will still be able to drive you crazy. What happens after this depends on your individual reactions: some people simply interrupt the conversation, others insult them in response. If this happens, you should sincerely apologize.

“It's very difficult - and yes, I know it seems completely unfair. Because, from your point of view, the irrational person himself brought you to a breakdown. However, an apology will disarm him and make you feel better,” advises Goulston.

You can use a phrase like this: “I would like to apologize for being so vulnerable and sensitive to your words. I'm working on being able to respond more easily when people tell me things I don't want to hear."

An apology should be used if someone close to you behaves inappropriately. Simply because you cannot stop communicating with this person, but this gives you a chance to start over from scratch.

Just remember that not everyone can accept an apology, even the most sincere and kind. Therefore, if you hear in response something like: “Naturally, it’s your fault, so you’re apologizing,” try not to get angry or upset again.

13 signs of an inadequate person. Signs by which one can assume that a person is inadequate are individual and depend on the type of personality, character, and type of higher nervous activity. But there are still certain features that make it possible to suspect an inadequate person and subsequently confirm this assumption. Our task is to identify the inappropriate as early as possible, preferably even before the start of communication with the person, in order to then adjust our behavior and be prepared for the fact that this person may behave unpredictably or try to create problems. Do you know why a person behaves inappropriately? So, what features of inappropriate behavior should we note: 1) Reacts unexpectedly and unpredictably to the actions and words of others. 2) Twitches, shows signs of anxiety, rushes about, often changes posture and facial expression. 3) Excessively emotional, too brightly colored speech, “theatrical” intonations. 4) Active gestures, playing “one-man theater”. 5) Inability to listen to others: a person expresses his opinion, often inappropriate, interrupts interlocutors, does not listen to their point of view. 6) Pretentious, often flashy clothes. Marginal style, incompatible colors. 7) Inappropriate clothing style for an establishment or event (for example, a person wearing a T-shirt and shorts attending a business meeting or official reception). 8) An elaborate hairstyle or hair dyed in a bright color. 9) Tattoos, piercings, many rings on the fingers, earrings in the ears of men. 10) Use of “thieves” expressions in speech (“purely concrete”, “without a market”). 11) Excessively abstruse statements are out of place in simple communication (for example, in everyday conversation such an inadequate person can say “relying on the basic foundations of our constructive dialogue with you, I make a representative conclusion about the following conclusions”). A complex grammatical structure is completely out of place; it looks awkward and funny. 12) Pay attention to the person's car, if possible. Cars with tinted windows, loud music, mounted spoilers, sills, fender liners and other decorative elements are often a sign of an inadequate car owner. 13) People with medical education may notice a number of symptoms in a person that are characteristic of mental illness, such as epileptoid personality traits, symptom complex of psychoorganic syndrome, schizophrenoid traits. But a person not connected with medicine will hardly be able to focus on this. Remember, when communicating with a person you should be careful: note not only what he tells you, but also how he does it, with what intonation, facial expressions, and what words he chooses. Pay special attention to little things, including the interlocutor’s posture, the position of his hands, whether he is twitching or calm. The more information you have about your interlocutor, the more accurate your conclusions about him will be. In any case, do not make hasty conclusions; evaluate all the facts you have before making a decision. If we're talking about about a business partnership with a person whose adequacy you have doubts, give him a discreet test that will help you draw the necessary conclusions and avoid serious problems. There are no absolute criteria for an inadequate person: each of the listed “symptoms” can only be a personality trait. However, in extreme manifestations, these features lead to the development of inappropriate behavior. Therefore, you must evaluate the available facts and data on a case-by-case basis.

We all sometimes have to communicate with completely unbearable people. How to build a dialogue with them correctly? Why don't calls to act wisely in these cases work? Psychiatrist and consultant Mark Goulston answers these and other questions in his book “How to Talk to Assholes: What to Do with Inadequate and Insufferable People in Your Life.” We publish several interesting fragments from it.

This book is about principles for dealing with people who behave irrationally. But, planning a conversation with like a person, don’t forget to ask yourself: why do you need to interact with him at all? Do you have a good enough reason? And wouldn't it be better for you to stay away from him? Often the answer is obvious: because you love this person. Either you depend on him financially, or are connected by some other circumstances. But sometimes things are not so simple. A relationship with such a person may not be very important to you, and then it turns out that you are just wasting your time. In this case, your behavior should also be considered insane...

Having worked as a psychiatrist for decades, I can say that I understand crazy people, including deeply ill people. What I mean? For example, one of my patients chased Britney Spears, and another jumped from the fifth floor because he believed he could fly. Another one once called me from prison in Dominican Republic and said that he got there intending to start a revolution. In addition, I have worked with anorexics who weighed less than 40 kilograms, heroin addicts, and schizophrenic patients who experienced hallucinations. I taught negotiators how to get murder-obsessed terrorist hostage-takers to surrender. Now I show directors and top managers of companies how to deal with people who threaten the business. Simply put, the abnormal people and I have long since switched to being on first-name terms.

But recently an interesting thought came to me: I expect to meet a psycho every day, because this is my job. However, I suddenly realized how often do you have to deal with crazy people?- not by jumping from balconies or intimidating Britney Spears, but by those whom I call household psychos.

The epiphany struck me when I went to a meeting of developers and their lawyers who needed advice on helping families in crisis. I expected a boring meeting, but their stories fascinated me. I discovered that these people “talking to crazy people” every day- just like me! Almost every situation discussed involved clients who behaved completely crazy. These lawyers had no problem drafting a will or setting up a trust. But they didn't know what to do if a client turns into a psycho, - and desperately wanted to know...

By the way, about the word “psycho”: I understand that it sounds provocative and politically incorrect. But when I use it, I don't mean mentally ill people... All of us are capable of acting crazy at some point. When I say “crazy” or “crazy,” I mean that the person is behaving irrationally. Eat four signs that the people you deal with are irrational:

• they do not have a clear picture of the world;
• they say or do things that don't make sense;
• they make decisions or take actions that are not in their own best interests;
• when you try to bring them back to the path of prudence, they become completely unbearable...

Tools I'll talk about when using require courage. Because you won't just ignore the psychos and wait for them to go away. You will not argue with them or try to convince them. Instead, you will have to feel the madness and start behaving the same way.

Many years ago someone explained to me what to do when a dog grabs your hand. If you trust your instincts and pull your hand away, the dog will sink its teeth even deeper. But if you use a non-obvious solution and push your hand deeper into the throat, the dog will loosen its grip. Why? Because the dog will want to swallow, for which he needs to relax his jaw. This is where you pull your hand out.

You can interact with irrational people in a similar way. If you treat them as if they are crazy and you are not, they will only fall deeper into crazy thoughts. But if you start acting like a crazy person yourself, it will change the situation dramatically. Here's an example.

After one of the most disgusting days of my life, on the way home, I concentrated on the troubles that had befallen me and drove the car on autopilot. Unfortunately for me, this all happened during California's extremely dangerous rush hour. At some point, I accidentally cut off a pickup truck in which a big guy and his wife were sitting. He beeped angrily and I waved my hand to show that I was sorry. But then - just a couple of kilometers later - I cut him off again.

Then the man caught up with me and abruptly stopped the truck in front of my car, forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. As I slowed down, I saw his wife frantically gesticulating, asking him not to get out of the car. Of course, he didn’t pay attention to her and a few moments later he found himself on the road - two meters tall and weighing 140 kilograms. He sharply approached me and began knocking on the glass, shouting curses.

I was so stunned that I even rolled down the window so I could hear him. Then I waited for him to pause so he could pour more bile on me. And when he paused to catch his breath, I said to him, “Have you ever had such a terrible day that you just hoped that someone would pull out a gun and shoot you and end all the suffering? Is that someone you?”

His jaw dropped. "What?" - he asked. Up to this point I had been very stupid. But suddenly I did something brilliant. In some incredible way, despite my foggy mind, I said exactly what was needed. I did not try to negotiate with this frightening man - most likely, instead of answering, he would have pulled me out of the car and hit me in the face with his huge fist. I didn't try to resist. I just became just as crazy and hit him with his own weapon.

He stared at me and I spoke again: “Yes, I'm serious. I don't usually cut people off and I've never cut someone off twice before. It's just that today is the day when it doesn't matter what I do or who I meet - including you! - everything goes wrong. Will you be the person who will mercifully end my existence?” He immediately changed, calmed down and started encouraging me: “Hey. “What are you doing, guy,” he said. - Everything will be OK. Honestly! Relax, everyone has bad days."

I continued my tirade: “Easy for you to say! You didn't ruin everything you touched today, unlike me. I don't think anything will ever get better for me. Will you help me?" He continued enthusiastically: “No, really. I am not kidding! Everything will be alright. Have a rest". We talked for a few more minutes. Then he returned to the truck, said something to his wife and waved to me in the mirror, as if to say: “Remember. Calm down. Everything will be fine". And he left.

Now I'm not proud of this story. To be fair, the guy in the pickup wasn't the only irrational person on the road that day. But here's what I'm getting at. That big guy could have taken my lungs off. And, perhaps, he would have done this if I had tried to reason with him or argue with him. But I met him in his reality, where I was bad person and he had every reason to hit me. Instinctively using a technique I call aggressive submission, I turned him from enemy to ally in less than a minute. Luckily, my reaction was natural, even on that really bad day. This happened because over many years of working as a psychiatrist, I put myself in the place of crazy people. I've done this thousands of times different ways, and I understood that it worked. Moreover, I know it will work for you too. The Psycho Mask is a strategy you can use with any irrational person. For example, to talk:

• with a partner who yells at you or refuses to talk to you;
• with a child screaming "I hate you!" or “I hate myself!”;
• with an aging parent who thinks you don't care about them;
• with an employee who is constantly slacking off at work;
• with a manager who is always trying to hurt you.

No matter what type of crazy person you're dealing with, learning to become a crazy person yourself will allow you to get rid of failed communication strategies and reach people. As a result, you will be able to engage in almost any emotional situation and feel confident and in control.

1. Understand that the person you are confronted with is not capable of thinking rationally in this situation. Realize that the deep roots of his irrationality lie more likely in the distant (or not very distant) past, rather than in the current moment, so now you are unlikely to be able to argue or convince him.

2. Determine the other person's modus operandi - the unique set of actions that he resorts to when he is not himself. His strategy is to throw you off balance, make you angry, afraid, frustrated or guilty. Once you understand the course of action, you will feel calmer, more focused and in control of the situation, and will be able to choose an appropriate counter-strategy.

3. Realize that crazy behavior is not about you. But it says a lot about the person you are dealing with. By ceasing to take his words personally, you will deprive the enemy of an important weapon. At the same time, use the necessary psychological tools during the conversation; they will keep you from falling into madness. These tools will help you avoid "amygdala hijack" - intense emotional reaction to a sudden threat. This term, coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, describes a condition where the amygdala - the part of your brain responsible for generating fear - blocks rational thinking.

4. Talk to an irrational person, plunging into the world of his madness, calmly and objectively. First, accept the person's innocence as a given. This means that you must believe that the person is actually good and there is a reason for his behavior. Try not to judge, but to understand what caused this. Secondly, imagine that you are experiencing the same emotions: aggression, misunderstanding, threat.

5. Show that you are an ally, not an enemy: listen calmly and carefully to the person while he is blowing off steam. Instead of interrupting, let him speak. this way you will surprise the person who is waiting for a retaliatory attack, and you will become closer to him. You can even apologize. And the more carefully and sensitively you reflect your opponent’s emotions, the sooner he himself will begin to listen to you.

6. When the person calms down, help him move on to more reasonable actions. These steps are the basis for most of the psychological techniques I teach you (although there may be variations, such as when dealing with bullies, manipulators, or psychopaths). However, keep in mind that going through the cycle of prudence with an irrational person is not always easy or fun and not always this technique works instantly. And, as with everything in our lives, there is a risk that it will not work at all (and there is even a possibility that the situation will get worse). But if you are desperately trying to reach someone who is difficult or impossible to control, this method is probably the best choice.

Mark Goulston