Many parents do not realize that their behavior is causing pain to their child. They may not know how to behave differently, or even think they are doing you a favor. However, they can be recognized by .

Parents belittle your virtues

They may try to pass it off as a joke, but there's nothing funny about it. If your parents often laugh at you, publicly belittle you, dismiss your opinions and problems, tell you that you are a loser and can never do anything right, then you are in a situation of emotional abuse.

Parents control your every move

Behaviors such as parents constantly trying to control you, getting angry when you make your own decisions, or denying your right to independence are also indicators of emotional abuse. Moreover, it may seem to them that they are simply fulfilling their parental duty.

Parents blame you for everything

Some parents blame their children for all their problems, refusing to take responsibility for their lives and feelings. If you are told that it is your fault that your parents had to leave their careers, or that your parents divorced because of you, this is also a form.

Parents are ignoring you

Another sign - boycott by parents when they stop talking to you if you have offended them in some way, are not interested in your feelings and needs, or try to shift the blame for their neglectful attitude onto you. Love and attention should not be a subject of bargaining.

Parents always put their interests above yours

Parents with narcissistic tendencies often see their child only as an extension of themselves. They try to manipulate him into doing what they think is right, without thinking about what is important for the child himself, and they get upset if you don’t meet their expectations.

How to Deal with Emotional Abuse

Create distance between yourself and your parents

1. Don't let your parents use guilt to force you to listen to insults. When they start yelling and belittling you, walk away. If you live together, go to your room or to one of your friends. If you live separately, stop calling and coming. If you still want to maintain a relationship, immediately set boundaries. Say: “I will call once a week, but I will hang up if you start insulting me.” And don't forget that you shouldn't make excuses or respond to hurtful words.
2. Try not to depend on your parents for anything. Make your own friends, make your own money, and move as soon as you can. If you cannot do without financial support during your studies, be sure to set boundaries in your relationship.
3. If the emotional abuse continues after you've grown up and are living separately, cut ties. You don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who hurts you. And you don't have to explain to others why you no longer communicate with your parents. If you are afraid of missing out on the chance of reconciliation, ask yourself whether your parents are showing any signs that they are willing to listen to you and understand your feelings. If not, better stop communicating.

Take care of yourself

1. Notice what words and actions anger your parents and avoid them. For example, if they always belittle your achievements, don't tell them about your successes. Share with someone who will rejoice and support you.
2. Find a place where you feel safe. This could be your room, the public library, or your friend's apartment. The main thing is that you can go there when you need to calm down and come to your senses.
3. Have a plan for what to do in case of an emergency. Just because the violence hasn't been physical so far doesn't mean it will never come to that. Think in advance where you can go in this case, who to turn to for help, what things you will need to have with you, what legal actions you can take.
4. Spend time with those who support you. People who have been emotionally abused often... To overcome it, spend more time with those who respect and support you, and do something that you are good at. For example, join a sports team or club. This will increase self-esteem and make it possible to spend less time at home.
5. Learn to control stress. Emotional abuse can lead to serious problems, including depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Try to find techniques that will help you calm down. Try meditation, breathing exercises or yoga.
6. Find it in yourself positive traits and develop them. Don't believe the insults and ridicule - you are worthy of love, respect and care. Think about what qualities you like in yourself. Maybe you're smart, generous, or a good listener. Remind yourself of these qualities and find an activity that will develop them.

Ask for help

Emotional abuse often involves the idea that no one cares about you, that no one will believe you or take you seriously. Don't let yourself be intimidated. Think about who you trust and ask that person for help. This could be a friend, relative, teacher. If you find it difficult to talk about it out loud, describe your situation in writing.

Don't be afraid to ask for professional help to or a psychologist. It is very difficult to get rid of low self-esteem and negative thinking patterns that arise from emotional abuse on your own, and a specialist will help you understand how to act in your situation. Psychologists are in the majority educational institutions, but you can also look for someone who specializes in helping with psychological abuse.

Maria Pogrebnyak admitted that she was checking her husband’s phone, but justified it by saying that she was worried about him. Pavel Pogrebnyak knows that his wife controls him. The footballer believes that such behavior does not suit his chosen one.

Russian national team footballer Pavel Pogrebnyak fell in love with the future when he was in school. Over time, she became his wife and gave him three children. The socialite maintains a personal microblog, where she demonstrates her family life. She also has an ideal figure, which she never tires of showing off. However, today it turned out that the beauty controls every step of her husband.

30-year-old Maria checks the football player’s phone. However, as it turned out, Pavel knows about this. He believes that such distrust does not look good on his wife, but he is not going to make a scandal about it. “I’m just really worried about him, so I have access to his phone 24 hours a day. What if something happens to him or he’s hungry and comes home and I’ve already prepared everything for him. It makes life easier,” Maria tried to justify herself.

more on the topic

Pogrebnyak also noted that his wife herself is sometimes very busy. He jokingly said that he would “send her to another club” if Maria came home again later than nine o’clock in the evening. The footballer’s wife responded to this by saying that she would leave if she was offered a good bonus. After this, the socialite boasted about what dishes her husband indulges in. According to her, she stands at the stove all day to cook delicious borscht. The married couple spoke about their life in Nastya Ivleeva’s AGENTSHOW program.

When we meet a man who behaves like a knight, it is fascinating. We feel beautiful, desirable, worthy of care and love. But at some point we begin to notice cracks in his shining armor and ask the question: does he want to protect me or is he trying to control everything?

If you are reading this article, you have probably already asked yourself this. Don't beat yourself up: you're not the first of the estimated billions of women to fall into the "caring is controlling" trap.

1. He directly says that he should be at the helm. At first, this may give a good impression: he is a real man, strong and confident. “It will be my way or it won’t be!” - it makes you feel that if you ever slip up, you will have to be punished. Even if it is silent ignorance, it will become real torment for you. Especially considering that you most likely won’t even understand what exactly you did wrong.

2. Acts as if he knows everything. A controlling man is omniscient, and you need to acknowledge that. It doesn’t matter what you yourself think about a particular topic, be it politics, art, relationships or raising children. He will categorically insist that he is right, making you feel guilty for having a different opinion.

Don’t start arguing with him or trying to explain that there may be a different point of view. He will be furious not only that you have a different opinion, but also that you dared to express it. Rabies can manifest itself in ridicule and sexist jokes. It is important for him that you understand: he understands everything better than you and everyone around you.

3. He decides how, where and when you have sex. An initiative man is wonderful. But even the most proactive partner must take into account your desire and mood. He can convince you as much as he wants that “ real woman“or the “woman of dreams” must be depraved (or, conversely, feignedly modest), fulfill all his fantasies and whims.

But it’s important to remember: you should be as depraved or modest as you want at the moment. You should be comfortable and you should feel safe. And you definitely shouldn’t do anything you don’t want, even if your man craves it. Don't be violent towards yourself.

4. You tailor behavior to his needs. This is a subtle point that is difficult to track. You may feel like you are making minor concessions to please your loved one. For example, he might say that you should wear a T-shirt over a sports top when you go for a run, because otherwise you look too naked and you might even think that this is a sign of concern.

Such men try to disguise control as a desire to protect you from a scary and cruel world.

But when you get too hot and take off your T-shirt, for him it will be a real betrayal, followed by either a long offended silence or a scandal. If a man tries to forbid you to wear something, wear makeup the way you are used to, or ride a bike alone in the evening, this is just the beginning, and then everything you love will be banned.

5. He treated previous partners the same way. It’s unlikely that anyone wants to ask advice from ex-girlfriend or ex-wife your chosen one. But it is important to know what his relationships with previous partners looked like. This shows what you can expect. If his girlfriend wants to tell you about something, it is likely that she is doing this not out of jealousy and harmfulness, but out of female solidarity and a desire to help. Listen to her and don't be surprised if the story of their relationship sounds similar to your life.

Controlling men are often cunning. They do not act directly and try to disguise control as a desire to protect you from a scary and cruel world. And by the time you realize what you've gotten yourself into, it won't be so easy to get out of the swamp. Be alert: When you notice the first signs of control, walk away and save yourself months or even years of pain and struggle.

Question for a psychologist:

I don’t know what to do, my mother is too protective of me. Mom is very involved in my life, surfs social networks, looks for all my friends, adds them to her friends list, checks their Twitter, Instagram and finds them on any social network, is more interested in the lives of my friends than her own, then talks to whom you can communicate and with whom you can’t. He really likes to discuss my friends, even though I don’t like it. Sometimes it seems to me that she knows a lot more about my friends than I do myself.

At the age of 18, I am finishing my first year of university, I have no personal life, because it tests everyone and does not let me go. I don’t even know what to do when I have someone, I just can’t tell her that I have a boyfriend and I’ll go for a walk or spend the night with him, stupid questions will immediately come up and in the end she won’t let go. There are no friends due to strong guardianship. The same problem with work. I have an interview the other day, and my mother is against this job. Work as a cook in fast food. She doesn’t like the fact that I will work until 10 pm and my salary will be paid at the end of the month. But all work is like that. Nevertheless, she insists that I look for a job, but is against this one. She agrees that I should work as some kind of sales manager or cleaner, but that’s not what I want.

I can’t just go for a walk in the evening, because I want to, without any questions, I can’t spend the night with friends, and I simply can’t live without her knowing about something. If I don’t tell her something, she gets offended; when I try to convey something, she gets offended too. Even when I come home after a walk, she demands a detailed report about what I did and with whom, and if she doesn’t know this person, she will find all the information about him.

My question is what should I do, how can I convey to her that I am already an adult, because I know how to cook and clean and do everything myself. How can I say that I can make my own decisions about where I should work and convey that my friends are my friends, not hers, but how can I say so that she doesn’t get offended? I’m tired of eternal control, because I’ll have a family and children just around the corner, but I just can’t find someone for myself without her knowing about it. I have the impression that I will live with my parents all my life because of this. I really need your help.

A psychologist answers the question.

Hello!

In principle, it is very good that you understand your mother. This can be felt in the tone of your letter, in what you write.

IN in this case, there is no other way out but to accustom (that’s right!) your mother to the fact that you have grown up and are fully capable of taking responsibility for your life.

And, like any “training,” this cannot be painless: there will be insults, scandals, conditions, and even ultimatums. This is normal, because in your particular case, the mother is fighting FOR HER SAFETY, FOR HER WELL-BEING.

(You see, it will always seem to us, parents, that children are a source of constant threat. I mean problems of one nature or another, a lot of unnecessary information in the form of, say, stories from friends and acquaintances about " different cases" etc.)

She (your mother) should be as confident in you as she is in herself! And this is impossible without control! Total!

First, agree with her so that she disturbs you at a strictly agreed time. if mom starts to pull outside the “schedule”, then do not react or react a little later, in “delayed” mode. At the same time, remind her of your agreement.

If you tell her that you will return at a certain time, fulfill the condition! If fulfillment is impossible, then be sure to call and explain specifically and unemotionally the reason for your delay. But the task is to do what you promise! It is important.

Talk to your mother about your affairs, problems, joys and sorrows AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE AND IN AS DETAILED AS POSSIBLE! Moreover, be the INITIATOR of such conversations!

Train yourself to calmly talk about WHAT YOU FEEL, and not about formal events.

You will have to ask your mother again and again for a certain format of behavior (so as not to be nervous, not to tug, not to disturb, etc.), which presupposes freedom and trust! And you need to ALWAYS speak in I-MESSAGE FORMAT:

Mommy! When I see your concern, distrust of me, worry and anxiety, I begin to feel bad. I feel like a mentally retarded, sick and bullied five-year-old girl! I'm your daughter! And you raised me very well and correctly! I will always ask you for help and support in a timely manner if necessary. I will always tell you the most important and important things and consult with you. Because I love and RESPECT you very much! Thank you for taking care of me so much! But I really want to feel more independent, I want you to trust me.

Here approximate diagram Your message to your mother.

Controlling woman: prosecutor's inspection at home

May 19, 2016 - No comments

Verification, strict accounting and control. This happens not only at any checkpoint. It happens that at home it is better not to make sudden movements, to stand at attention if a controlling woman is nearby.

There is no use hiding the phone - she will take it out of the ground, and all the SMS will be read. A controlling wife should know everything: where you were, who you talked to, who called you, who your friends are in in social networks and what were you thinking about. Such a wife controls her husband, children, loved ones, and sometimes even unfamiliar people around her.

It can be funny, it can seem normal, or it can be annoying. But is this good for her? Does she behave this way out of great love and care or out of jealousy and suspicion? Maybe she believes that without her supervision and instructions no one is capable of anything?

If the wife is constantly controlling, this needs to be sorted out. And we will do this with the help of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Why does a woman control her husband?

Any woman wants to live and have fun. And a controlling wife is a prime example of this. With her behavior she tries to realize a desire that will bring her satisfaction. Such a desire for control and management is not inherent in all people, there are only 20% of them. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan defines them as people with skin vector, where vector is an innate set of desires and mental properties.

By nature, these are people with rational, logical thinking. Able to control, organize others, and lead. Manage teams and various processes. They think in terms of utility and benefit. They have a good sense of how to get more with minimal losses.

Owners of the skin vector become engineers and create technologies that increasingly improve and simplify people's lives. Or legislators who, thanks to their rational mind, are able to optimally organize and control the life of society.

Well, whoever, for some reason, was unable to develop and realize the given properties to the maximum is still an innovator and manager. Middle manager, lawyer, military officer, economist, logistician, quality controller. Well, or at least a guard at the checkpoint who is faithful to his regulations and will not allow anyone to break the rules.

Our properties are given by nature, but we must ensure their implementation ourselves. When the wife controls every step, she thereby finds a small, but realization of her predisposition. If she does not show her qualities at work, then the desire to control can take pathological forms. This is difficult for her loved ones and is a great stress for herself.

How to bring a controlling woman back to her senses?

This happens to any person if he sits idle. Any quality that can bring benefit and pleasure becomes a disadvantage and brings suffering.

Often women do not work and only do household chores. This is not considered something shameful. But for a modern woman this is no longer enough; implementation in society is necessary. Therefore, if the wife is constantly controlling, she needs to understand what type of activity suits her best and gradually begin to live life to the fullest, giving vent to their inclinations in work.

A developed woman with a skin vector is capable of self-discipline, knows how to control herself, and manage her time. As a rule, she is easy to climb. Such a woman can be both a very good wife and an effective worker.

To better understand your controlling wife and help her level out her condition, you need to know her characteristics and desires. You can gain such knowledge at free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan and no longer suffer from the fact that your wife controls every step.

Register for free lectures -