How can I explain to my mom that I’m already an adult?

If at seminars the topic of relationships with parents comes up, it always finds keen interest among the participants. Complaints against parents often begin. One of the popular questions: “How can I explain to my mom that I’m already an adult?”

In principle, no way. The explanation itself will lead nowhere. We cannot directly change another person's behavior. Only by changing our behavior can we change the behavior of another person towards us.

Actually, mothers and, by the way, fathers also play with their children. different games. But here I would like to talk about the most common option.

The essence of the game very simple. A mother calls her now adult child on the phone and starts asking questions. At first, these may be seemingly innocent questions appropriate to the situation. The child answers them calmly. Then questions begin that are not relevant to the matter. The child answers, but is already starting to get wound up. What follows are either completely off-topic questions, or a comment from the mother that is just as inappropriate as the question. A child (we are talking about an adult) gives an irritated reaction like: “Leave me alone.” Mom is offended and hangs up with the words: “I can’t say a word to you.” The child feels a mixture of irritation, bewilderment and guilt.

Game over. Or rather another round. But it will be repeated again and again until the child understands that this is a game and changes his behavior.

Since my mother dabbled in similar games before, I can describe the moves of this game using my own example. So, I'm on a business trip to God knows where. That is, far from home. There is a call. The questions begin: “Where are you? Have you registered? Etc. There doesn't seem to be anything criminal. I answer them calmly. Then questions of the second type begin: “How is the weather”, “What are you wearing.” The questions are completely stupid and have nothing to do with the essence of the matter. If we pass this stage, then some recommendations begin, like “Well, if it’s cold, buy a jacket there,” although I already said before that it’s warm. Well, everything continues in the same way. This goes on until I get angry and end the conversation. Mom is offended. Game over.

I think that many people are familiar with this game firsthand. Why does mom play it and why do children fall for it? Firstly, the mother has nothing to do, but needs to receive emotions, and this is how she receives them. And secondly, this is an indicator that the mother-child relationship remains. And based on these relationships, the mother builds communication with the child.

What to do?

First option: interrupt the conversation immediately. That is, give the mother immediately what she called for. She will be slightly offended. And you will not be angry with your mother.

Second option. Don't support her in this game at all. Then after a while she herself will stop playing it. This is the principle of games. If one of the partners leaves the game, then the other either also leaves or tries to find another partner to play. For example, a brother or sister. But this is their difficulty.

But this is such an easy warm-up. Another version of the game, which is very common, is when parents manipulate their children through. And this option is much more dangerous than the first.

Parents periodically call their child, demanding an account of his life. Or they require that the child himself periodically take care of his parents. And if he suddenly doesn’t do something, then manipulation immediately starts.

If a child does not communicate with his parents as often as they want, then the parents say: “Yes, I didn’t think in my old age that my daughter would not care what happened to her mother. So I’ll die and no one will notice. Well, of course, what can we give now? "Oh, thanks. Thank you for calling. Otherwise I think I forgot about my mother, but that’s okay. You will also have children, then you will understand what it’s like for a mother...”

If the child does not respond to such manipulations, then the pressure, as a rule, increases. Parents start to get sick.

"Here. I'm calling you to say goodbye. Something's wrong with me. And there’s no one to call an ambulance.” A man rushes to the other end of the city and finds an absolutely healthy mother watching another TV series or talking with a neighbor: “I feel better.”

It often happens that parents do not “get better.” But they categorically refuse to call an ambulance.

As a result, if a child is led into this game suggested by his parents, he eventually begins to feel very bad. Even physically. At the same time, parents, on the contrary, become physically stronger. If the child does not respond to the parents’ manipulations, then the parents begin to waste away, thereby increasing the pressure on the child.

In any case, to get out of such a situation it is necessary to destroy the mother-child relationship, or rather, transfer it into an adult-adult relationship. But on this path you need to understand that there will be opposition from parents.

Many people worry that their parents will get worse. I always say that here you need to be guided by the Winnie the Pooh principle. When he was hanging on a ball in front of a hive of bees and asked Piglet to shoot the ball, Piglet objected: “But if I shoot the ball, it will get spoiled,” to which Weenie replied: “And if you don’t shoot, then I will get spoiled.” So you often have to rely on this principle and decide who gets spoiled. Although practice shows that no one gets spoiled. A couple of demonstrative attacks, and then the attitude changes.

There is no need to break off relationships with parents, but it is possible and necessary to transform them into equal relations. And to do this, you need to understand that our mothers often play games. I briefly described the two most common ones.

Instructions

Before defending your right to “adulthood,” analyze your relationship with your mother. Do you think that she should take care of you, help in difficult situations, and be responsible for the organization of her and your life? If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, your claims to independence are reminiscent of the whims of a child who, although he argues with his mother, deep down believes that she is wiser and will eventually sort everything out herself. You are not psychologically ready to take responsibility for your life, as is typical for an adult.

Analyze how you build communication with your mother, in particular, how you act in conflict situations. If you tend to be offended, throw tantrums and scandals, do something “to spite” your mother, you choose a communication style typical of a child. An adult tries to conduct a dialogue calmly, proving that he is right with the help of compelling arguments, and also tries to understand the interlocutor and the motives for his behavior. Try to communicate with your mother in this way, and it will be easier for her to accept the seriousness of your position.

Analyze the material aspect of your relationship. Many parents are ready to recognize their child as independent only if he has his own stable income. If you can fully provide for yourself financially, i.e. you pay for your food and clothing, have your own (even rented) housing, pay for your studies on your own and are able to pay for your own entertainment - you can consider yourself an independent adult. And, most likely, your mother will agree with you.

It happens that a mother is not ready to recognize her daughter or son’s right to independence and “adulthood,” even if all the conditions listed above are met. In this case, you are faced with parental manipulation. Unfortunately, the habit of manipulating loved ones, including your children, is not uncommon. The reason may be a simple lack of attention to your mother on your part, as well as her fear of losing control over the life of an adult child.

Parental manipulations come down to making the child feel guilty. Many people are familiar with phrases like “I sacrificed my personal life (career, education, etc.) for you, and you...” or “You don’t think at all that I have poor health (frazzled nerves, small pension, etc. ...)...” If you regularly hear phrases of this kind from your mother, know that in this way she is trying to manipulate you. Stopping manipulation, especially parental manipulation, is not easy, but you can try.

Try to understand what makes mom resort to manipulation. Perhaps it’s just a habit, perhaps a fear of losing control of the situation, lack of self-confidence, or something else. Understand that mom is not doing this “out of harm,” she is simply trying to solve her internal problems.

Feel not like a child, but an adult. Perhaps even more mature than my mother. Try to show leniency towards her weaknesses, do not take her assessments to heart and be patient, not allowing the dialogue to develop into another conflict

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I was a difficult teenager (I drank, smoked, was friends with boys), all this ruined my relationship with my mother (constant quarrels, tears, I ran to my sister, lived with her, my mother wrote a statement to the police, allegedly I disappeared, even to drug treatment , as sad as it sounds, she sent me to stop drinking beer with friends from the neighborhood. From the age of 13 to 16, I dated one guy. After he cheated on me, I broke up with him and around the same time I had a fight with my mother. , moved to my sister for the summer, my mother was always a third party in our relationship, tried to solve problems for me and, at my request and without her (I am the only late-born child in the family), at that moment I met another young man. I was 16. , he is 20, his internal values ​​are correct, but he did not lead healthy image life, just like me at that moment. Gradually our relationship developed, my mother became aware that he does not work, does not study, has bad habits, plus sleeps with her only daughter, my mother was against the relationship and showed it in every possible way. At one point I realized that I would lose my relationship with my mother, she already wanted to go to the police to write a statement against him that he was seducing me. I told my mom that we broke up, but continued the relationship with him, which was opened, then I was in the 10th grade, I realized that everything bad habits They only spoil my life and health, I stopped drinking, smoking, took up sports, improved my studies (I was always a diligent student, an excellent student). My relationship with my mother improved, we began to communicate more, spend time together, theaters, cinema, my boyfriend also gradually stopped using everything harmful, began to look for work (he also had a crisis in the family, lost his mother, his girlfriend cheated on him, and he washed down his grief with alcohol etc., there was no person nearby who supported). I didn’t succeed with my studies, but at first I worked as a loader, a waiter, my mother once went to a restaurant where he was a waiter and again, her opinion of him worsened, and I, afraid of ruining my relationship with her, didn’t say anything about us. Time passed, my boyfriend tried to study, worked as a cook, made blinds, even worked two jobs, and I graduated from school and entered a university in another city. My social circle has changed, my mother is incredibly happy, our relationship is very close and, one might say, trusting, almost... And the guy, wanting to build a family with me, put aside money and after 2 years moved to another city with me. We have been together for the 5th year, we have been living together for 3 months, he works steadily as a cook, we have joint plans for the future, my mother knows nothing about him, I began to tell her that I have a young man, I say only positive things, and Now I understand how I probably did the wrong thing by hiding everything from her, I don’t want to confront my mother with a fait accompli when it comes to marriage or children, but I chose this person and have already been through a lot with him, I understand that it’s time to tell my parents about everything , but I’m very afraid of being misunderstood, of ruining all the warm relationships with my mother, what if she just stops treating me the way she does now. The distance brought us very close, we began to appreciate each other. Tell me, how can I tell my parents about everything?

A psychologist answers the question.

Hello Maria!

As can be seen from your letter, you are already a fully grown, independent girl, you have a certain life experience and you know how to make plans. But you are still afraid of the possibility of losing a warm relationship with your parents, as well as a negative assessment of your young man mother, right?

Dear Maria, as far as I understand, you have already made a decision regarding your young man, you have weighed the pros and cons, and the consent or disagreement of your parents will not change anything. And this is right, because this is your life, and only you are responsible for it.

How should you tell your parents about this? You can also prepare the ground over the phone, hinting that your mother may not entirely like your choice, but you are confident in it and are ready to resolve everything yourself. possible difficulties, if they arise. Your mother wishes you happiness and this is what you need to emphasize most of all - that you are happy with your boyfriend, he has repeatedly proven and shown you his reliability and love.

Next, the most important part of the conversation - where you say who is who - needs to be postponed to a personal meeting. Your boyfriend doesn't have to be present. You need to speak calmly, confidently, without begging or raising your voice. Say that you have already made a decision.

Perhaps your mother's first reaction will be ambiguous - and that's normal. She needs to give her time to get used to your decision, to see with her own eyes that it’s real. a good choice. Be patient, but stick to your guns.

Remember that if your relationship with your parents is really as warm and trusting as you write, they value you and your right to choose, after some time they will accept it and the relationship with them will reach a new level, even closer - because you have more you won't have to hide anything from them.

We have a girl intern at work, she’s pretty, smart, and not so long ago we celebrated her birthday - she turned nineteen. It would seem that she was almost a completely independent young lady, but that was not the case!

After sitting over tea and cake, we started talking - our beauty was complaining that her parents wouldn’t let her go anywhere. I wanted to buy champagne for work in honor of my birthday, but it was forbidden. And he asks: how can I explain to my parents that I’m already an adult? We thought about it.

Some of the team are not so far removed from her, some have children of this age - in general, everyone has something to say. I am writing instructions for those who want to prove to mom and dad that they have already grown up and can be responsible for their words and actions.

Where to begin

Before trying to prove something to your parents, you need to more or less clarify the situation. Analyze how your parents were raised, how it was done in their families. In my opinion, this is a good support - you can always appeal to the fact that when your mother was your age, you personally were already two years old. Study your parents' lives and understand what matters most to them.

For Olechka (that’s the name of the intern girl), the situation was as follows: her mother is about forty, she looks younger than her age, and at the same time devotes a lot of time to taking care of herself. Olechka told in detail how much pleasure her boyfriends give her mother when they confuse them on the phone.

With these words, we exchanged glances with one of our colleagues - just a year ago we discussed with her how quickly children grow, and how keenly we feel our age when they become adults. Here we knew what to recommend. But about dad it was even more interesting.

The fact is that our Olechka’s dad is a business man, it was he who insisted that she interning in our editorial office during the holidays and gaining experience, it was he who always emphasized that a woman should be independent. In general, the plan was ready.

For those whose situation is different, I will give next tip- when you analyze the behavior of your parents, pay attention to the following:

• what they want;
• what they lack;
• In what situations are they more comfortable with an adult child?

I think if you think about it a little and talk to your family a couple of times over dinner, the situation will become clearer.

What do we have to do

The next advice we gave to Olechka is how to prove to your family that you are a mature person. So, I'm telling it straight like it is.

You are a mature person if:

• you know how to support yourself (and you cover all your expenses);
• you are ready to take full responsibility for yourself;
• you know how to take care of others;
• you know how to solve problems, both your own and those of others;
• you are ready to make decisions;
• you show yourself as a leader in emergency situations.

We explained this to Olechka, and I’ll explain it to you too. Money is a subject of much debate. You will not be able to prove to your loved ones that you are an adult if you are still sitting on their neck. Don't get me wrong - you must fully support yourself. Yes, and rent. Yes, and public utilities. And clothes, and food costs, and transportation costs, and vacations.

Of course, if you live with your parents, they are unlikely to start calculating how much water and electricity you spend per month, but do the math - are you ready for these expenses? Can you really support yourself? Invite parents to contribute family budget any amount, and do it regularly. Or start paying the bills you can afford on your own.

After this advice, Olga thought about it. She provides for herself only partially, and in most cases her parents pay for all her pleasures. She decided to talk to them and try to stick to her income only. In my opinion this is good idea. At a minimum, this is a worthy price to pay for the feeling of one’s own maturity.

Taking responsibility for yourself and others is also not too difficult. However, it is better to do this not with the help of money, but by showing some kind of social activity. Take on any social role in your family, relieve your relatives, and they will certainly see you as a person.

Our colleague had a fairly easy time with this point - she has younger sisters who are always happy to receive attention. Olechka signed them up for dances and began taking them there herself - her parents were pleasantly surprised.

The ability to solve problems, make decisions and express oneself in emergency situations is not so easy to demonstrate to a family - after all, when people have an established life, they rarely have problems. Well, I admit, we cheated a little here and helped Olga.

After all, we were all her age once, and we also wanted to free ourselves from the excessive care of our loved ones. What have we done? Well, we once called our intern on her legal day off and asked her to work as a courier - she had to ask her dad for a car, and then drive around all day on behalf of our editors.

The next day, a fascinating story awaited us in the office - it turns out that the parents reconsidered their attitude towards Olga when they realized that:

• I haven’t called my dad once all day, although I don’t feel very confident behind the wheel;
• it was her colleagues who turned to her with a request to help out;
• despite the bustle and sudden change of plans, Olya did not forget to take her sisters to the dance and pick them up from there;
• she called home and warned that she would come late.

We celebrated the victory, and Olechka was profuse in gratitude - she said that it would never have occurred to her to pull off all this. In fact, God forbid, what a trick it is - when you want to be treated like an adult, start behaving accordingly. We have all been through this, and I think that our advice will help more than one generation of young guys. At least for our interns, for sure.

When I told this story to my family over Saturday dinner (on Saturdays we have dinner with my parents), my mother pursed her lips disapprovingly and said that at 19 years old a child should still be a child. I confess, I couldn’t resist reproaching her for double standards - my older sister already had two children at 19, and it’s hard to call her a child, and my mother always considered her a role model.

1. Learn to speak competently and politely, do not use slang, do not swear. Speech greatly influences the attitude towards the interlocutor and the perception of the person as a whole.
2. Change your image - clothing style, behavior, habits. I'm not saying that you need to abandon yourself, but it is necessary to introduce a touch of "adulthood" into your image.
3. Show through your actions that you are an adult. Remember that adults don’t say, “Well, I’m already twenty-seven, so today I fried the potatoes myself.” Grown-up people say, “Let’s go to dinner, parents, I got out early and prepared something.”
4. And don't expect your parents to accept your maturity in a matter of days - long years They lived with the idea that you are small and need to be taken care of, so give them some time to get used to the fact that you are now big and can take care of them.

Question to a psychologist

Good day! I am 18 years old, I study in St. Petersburg, but I live in Almaty (I left my father’s house a year ago). I am the only child in the family, my parents are young (my mother is 40 and my father is 44), my mother does not work, so I am always under her control (there is always time to call and check). They don’t let me go out in the evening, to concerts in clubs (clubs don’t attract me that way), they ask me for a complete dossier on any friend. I have never had a situation where I just got ready and left with the words “I’m going for a walk.” In St. Petersburg I live in a hostel, so I learned how to do everything, if necessary, I can deal with more important matters that my parents were doing at home. My problem is that I don't know how to explain
principle that I am already an adult, whose opinion is necessary
to be taken into account (for example, my mother and grandmother negotiate among themselves what time I will go where, ultimately confronting me with a fait accompli). Grandmother has a close relationship with her mother, she is a terrible alarmist and all this is transferred to her mother. In St. Petersburg, I met a young man with whom we have been dating for 9 months. He is not from my city, so I haven’t introduced them yet, but this is planned in the near future (they saw him on Skype and I talked a lot about him). Mom knows that we had sexual intercourse, but I decided it myself, and then, after I told my mother, we agreed that for now I would refuse it, for safety reasons. So here it is. I would like to live in my 3rd year (I have now completed my 1st year) with a young man. But if they don’t see me as a person, then how can I even stutter about such things?

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Alya.

Indeed, it is difficult to prove and show that you are an adult when for your mother and grandmother you are still a child. Most likely, they will be able to understand and accept you as an adult not immediately, but over time.

This happens to most parents who need time to part with the image of a child and accept their grown-up son or daughter. There are times when parents cannot fully accept this at all. I hope this is not your case.

You are the only one with your grandmother and mother, and it is important for them to take care of you and control you. But you, apparently, will still sometimes have to defend your independence, your relationships, whether your parents like them or not. It's not easy for you and for them, but that's what happens often as you get older. It is simply important for you to be prepared for various kinds of disagreements, but at the same time, not harshly, but firmly retain your views and interests.

Gulak Oksana Valerievna, psychoanalyst in Almaty

Good answer 6 Bad answer 2

An adult (person) is someone who can not only make decisions, but also be responsible for them.

You cannot yet be responsible for all your actions and “pay” for them, because... are supported by your parents.

What kind of “adulthood” can we talk about if you don’t even earn your own bread yet...?

This is not a reproach to you, but for understanding.

Do you want to live the way you think? - commendable.

But then it’s only important to “pay” for your decisions and desires yourself....

M.b. It makes sense to understand what an adult is. Personality. AND BE an adult. Personality.

And then there won’t be any need demand from your parents so that they treat you the way you deserve....

I can be an assistant in such work.

With respect to your independence,

G. Idrisov (I also work via Skype).

Good answer 4 Bad answer 1

Hello, Alya! Of course, there are issues that need to be defended. You have the right to personal space. It is best to clearly define your needs and convey them to your mother and grandmother. For example, so that they consult with you when they decide when and where you will go, since after all you are going and it is necessary to ask you. If they ask for a file on acquaintances and friends, I think that it is still not difficult for you to do this, since they have their own requirements for you and increased concern for the only child in the family. When you live separately, on your own, then there will be no need to do all this. While you live in your parents' house, you should follow the rules of this house. Of course, there is your personal space, which concerns only you, for example, who to be friends with and how to manage your time, etc. That is, you yourself must understand well what is YOURS, and when it is YOURS that is violated. At this moment, it is worth discussing these issues with your parents every time. As for the young man, it is better to say so so that his relatives are aware of the matter. They still cannot influence this from afar and, perhaps, over time, they will come to terms with it. Good luck to you!

Kaydarova Asel Abdu-Alievna, psychologist Almaty

Good answer 7 Bad answer 0

Hello Alya,

It’s, of course, wonderful that you and your mother have such a trusting relationship that you can tell her about your first sexual contact with a guy, but... There are things that no one is told about, that’s why they are called intimate relationships. You want to be seen as a person, but you behave like a child who is accountable to his parents for his actions and is completely open to his parents. If you want your parents not to worry about you, then maybe they don’t need to know everything? Or you are so unsure of yourself that you are afraid to commit something very stupid in life, but you have to pay (responsible) for everything yourself. Prove to them that you can live independently without their daily supervision, and then they may understand that you have matured.

Sincerely,

Tlegenova Harlan Amantaevna, psychoanalyst, Almaty

Good answer 7 Bad answer 0