Pride, vanity and self-esteem. Verbnoe.rf to help the Orthodox Christian
Question: “How to conquer vanity, people-pleasing, the desire to please everyone? I’m afraid that this is already becoming a property of the soul.”
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov answers:
– This is a property of every soul due to the fall of man and the defeat of his soul, mind, heart. This is observed even in children: the child does not look for his own quality, but seeks praise even for nothing.
One person made a dress, another sold it, a third bought it. And so the man put it on himself and likes it, although his participation is the most elementary: just think, he pulled a rag over himself! Or a student at school: “They gave me an A!” And if you ask him what you answered and how, why you were given an A, he may not even remember. The main thing is that I got five. Evaluation is important to him. Therefore, the task of a teacher, educator, or priest is to teach a person to strive to change the quality of his mind and heart.
And for such vanity, which affects absolutely all people, only with varying degrees of defeat, there are two methods indicated to us by the holy fathers. Moreover, you must definitely set yourself the task of getting rid of vanity, and setting such a task is the beginning of repentance.
The first thing that is absolutely necessary is to remain silent when you are not asked. Do not answer more than the question itself contains. Never express in any way own opinion. And if they still ask you to express it, then you need to make sure that the person really needs it, and that he is very persistent. Then you can speak out, but very briefly and in such a way that there is no exaltation or condemnation of anyone in this opinion. But best of all is silence. Silence promotes deliverance. This is the first one.
And the second way, which is radical. You can get rid of vanity in a year. This is to love reproach. It is very painful for a person to be hit on the right cheek. When he is, as we say, insulted. You have to love it and eat insults like eclairs. If a day goes by without an eclair, consider the day lost. Neglect, oblivion, when “they wipe their feet on you” - you not only have to not resist it, but you have to love it! And in such a fire vanity completely dies. The person becomes calm. Vanity dies on its own, which is why many holy fools for Christ’s sake chose this path in order to fight pride and vanity.
“They even brought these vilifications upon themselves!”
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov:
- Yes, they called themselves. And within a year or two they got rid of this illness. This is a radical, surgical method. Not everyone can bear this, but you need to know that there is such a way. That is, when someone “wipe their feet” about us, we must not be offended, not cry, not complain, but remember this. If you manage to be patient at least occasionally, then all this will contribute to the victory over vanity.
Archpriest Alexander Berezovsky:
- And the desire to be liked? After all, people decorate themselves in order to please others.
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov:
– This applies to the external, although such a desire for decoration directly contradicts the advice of the Apostle Peter to ladies: it is better to decorate with internal, that is, virtues. The Russian people say: “Don’t drink water from your face.” And in general there are no ugly faces. If we look at the entire history of fine arts, we will see a variety of faces, and there are much fewer handsome men and beauties there than in life. And artists are people who understand beauty. And if they find beauty in their characters that is worthy of depiction, then it really exists.
Therefore, we must strive for inner spiritual Christian beauty. And external is to attract attention. But why does a person attract attention in this case? Only to my clothes, because we are all mostly covered with clothes - only our hands and face remain. And what's the point? Again: someone developed the design, someone cut it, someone sewed it, someone sold it, someone bought it. And you, do you have some kind of fame from this? This is funny too...
Archpriest Alexander Berezovsky:
- And I decorated myself!
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov:
“But it’s like those schoolchildren who work for a grade.” But again: for what purpose does it attract? If your chosen one admired your curls or your makeup, what will he say the next morning after the wedding?
Archpriest Alexander Berezovsky:
- Who is this?
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov:
– Yes... Therefore, all this is very unsteady.
Archpriest Alexander Berezovsky:
– Many people say: “But I want to like myself!” It makes me happy to look at myself in the mirror! I am not for others, I am for myself!”
Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov:
– Yes, some say so, but everyone knows perfectly well why this is done! Moreover, this is done not only for the opposite sex, but mainly in front of each other, in order to arouse envy in the other person or, again, appreciation and praise. Again, a waste of time on something completely empty.
1. Vanity is a waste of labor, a loss of sweat, a thief of spiritual treasure, an ant on the threshing floor of life, which, although small, is always ready to steal the labors and fruits of our exploits.
2. Vanity clings to everything: I am vain when I fast,
but when I allow fasting in order to hide my abstinence from people, I again become vain, considering myself wise; overcome by vanity, dressed in good clothes; but when I dress in thin clothes, I also become vain; I’ll start talking, I’ll be overcome by vanity, I’ll shut up, and I’ll be defeated by it again. No matter how you throw this trident, it will always become the tip.
3. A vain person is an idolater. He thinks that he honors God, but in reality he does not please God, but people.
4. Every person who likes to show off himself is vain. The fast of a vain person remains without reward, and his prayer is fruitless; for he does both for human praise.
5. A vain ascetic causes a double offense to himself, because he exhausts his body and does not receive a reward.
6. The Lord often hides from our eyes those virtues that we have acquired; and a person who praises us, or better yet, who flatters us, opens our eyes with praise, and as soon as they are opened, the wealth of virtue disappears (it happens that the eyes are eaten away).
7. A flatterer is a servant of demons, a leader of pride, a destroyer of tenderness, a destroyer of virtues, a diverter from the true path. Those who are blessed flatter you, and trouble the soles of your feet, says the Prophet (Isa. 3:12).
8. I saw people crying who, having been praised, became angry because of the praise, and, as happens in trade, exchanged one passion for another.
9. When a neighbor, or a friend, reproaches you for your absence or presence, then show love - praise him.
10. It is a great thing to reject human praise from the soul, but a greater thing is to turn away demonic praise from oneself.
11. It is not he who shows humility who reproaches himself (for who can endure reproach from himself?); but the one who, being reproached by another person, does not reduce his love for him.
12. When the demon of vanity sees that the ascetic has acquired, albeit small, peace of heart, he immediately encourages him to go into the world, saying: “Go to the salvation of perishing souls.”
13. Vanity prompts the frivolous, in front of strangers, to clothe themselves in humility, and in their actions, in face and voice, to show reverence; at meals it makes one noticeably abstain; in psalmody - he makes the lazy zealous and the voiceless good-hearted.
14. Vanity makes those who are preferred proud, and sows resentment in those who are despised.
15. Vanity is very conveniently grafted onto natural talents, and through them often plunges its unfortunate slaves into destruction.
16. Once I saw how the demon of vanity drove out his brother, the demon of rage. One brother became angry with the other; but the laity came, and he suddenly became quiet, having sold himself to vanity; for he could not work for both masters at the same time.
17. He who has become a slave of vanity leads a double life; one in appearance, and the other in the way of thoughts and feelings, one alone with oneself, and the other in public.
18. He who has a foretaste of heavenly glory naturally despises all earthly glory; and I would be surprised if someone, having not tasted the first, completely despised the last.
19. I saw how others began spiritual work out of vanity; but then, having changed the intention in doing it, the reprehensible beginning was crowned with a praiseworthy end.
20. Whoever exalts himself with natural gifts, such as wit, understanding, skill in reading and pronunciation, quickness of mind, and other similar abilities that we easily obtain, will never receive higher than natural benefits; and he who is unfaithful in little and in much will be unfaithful because of his vanity (Luke 16:10).
21. He who asks God for gifts for his labors is established on a dangerous basis; and whoever, on the contrary, looks at himself as an everlasting debtor to God, beyond his aspirations
his own, suddenly sees himself enriched with heavenly wealth.
22. Do not listen to this leader when he teaches you to declare your virtues for the benefit of those who hear; what good is it to a man if he uses the whole world but loses his own soul (Matthew 16:26)? Nothing brings so much benefit to others as a humble and unfeigned disposition, and the same word. In this way we will encourage others so that they do not ascend; and what else could be more useful than this?
23. Praise elevates and puffs up the soul; when the soul ascends, then pride embraces it, lifts it to heaven and brings it down to the abyss.
24. Bad vanity teaches us to accept the image of virtue, which we do not have, leading us to deceive the words of the Savior: so let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good deeds (Matthew 5:16).
25. Do not hide your shame with the thought that you do not give your neighbor a reason to stumble; although it may not be useful in every case to use this plaster, depending on the special properties of the sins.
26. When our praisers, or, better said, flatterers, begin to praise us, then we will hasten to remember the multitude of our sins (and the judgment of God, which is not similar to man’s) - and we will see that we are unworthy of what they say or do in honor of us .
27. The simple at heart are not very susceptible to poisoning by this poison; for vanity is the destruction of simplicity and feigned living.
28. It often happens that a worm, having reached full age, receives wings and flies to a height; so vanity, having intensified, gives birth to pride, the leader and finisher of all evils.
29. The beginning to the destruction of vanity is guarding the lips and loving childlessness, the middle is cutting off all mental attacks of vanity; and the end (if only there is an end in
abyss) - to do without embarrassment in front of others what serves to dishonor.
30. Conceal your nobility, and do not boast of your nobility, lest you be in one dispensation by words, and in another by deeds.
31. I saw an unskilled student who, in the presence of some people, boasted about the virtues of his teacher, and, thinking of appropriating glory from someone else’s wheat, instead acquired only dishonor when everyone said to him: “How did a good tree produce a barren branch.”
32. Vanity loves to appear solemnly on the seat of verbosity; silence of the lips abolishes vanity.
33. Those who submit to the demon of vanity are subject to untimely movements of lust, when they, having temporarily freed themselves from lustful thoughts, begin to think a lot about themselves. The prodigal movements that have arisen for this lead him to see the vanity hidden in the depths of their hearts, and teach him not to attribute the sometimes purity of heart to his own diligence and effort, following the testimony of the Apostle: that imashi, who carried him, received (1 Cor. 4:7), tuna , either directly from God, or with the help of others and through their prayer.
34. Silence and silence are the enemies of vanity; but if you are in a hostel, then endure dishonor.
35. If there is extreme vanity when a person, not seeing anyone around him who would praise him, reveals vain actions in private, then it is a sign of complete lack of vanity, so that even in the presence of others he is not robbed by a vain thought.
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Vanity is the desire for empty (vain) glory. This is one of the big shortcomings of a person, which greatly spoils life and is the cause of problems. The most important thing is that a person suffering from vanity does not understand or realize this. Most often, creative, talented, public people have this disadvantage.
They try to be successful in all areas of their lives, to occupy a higher level in career ladder, look excellent in the eyes of others, occupy a high position in society. Such people suffer from a thirst for popularity and fame (most often undeserved), their ambitions cross all boundaries. It is vitally important for them to be admired, praised and celebrated. Vanity is fertile ground for the cultivation of pride to incredible proportions.
Manifestations of vanity, its pros and cons
The advantages of vanity include the fact that in some cases it becomes an assistant and engine for many human achievements, it becomes the starting point for some useful endeavors (starting studies, mastering a profession, defending a dissertation, etc.).
One of the huge disadvantages of this human flaw is that a person who is in the grip of vanity tries only for himself. He needs achievements as a means to gain recognition from people, an opportunity to distinguish himself from others, to be proud of himself.
A person infected with vanity is useless to society. He has no goal - to benefit people. Even if a vain person succeeds in doing something useful, then in the end he still turns it to his advantage.
A vain person is useless, both for society and for himself. Pride and vanity do not evoke an emotional response in the souls of the people around us. They may envy, even admire, but they do not show sincere feelings for the proud person.
Signs of a vain person
He does not accept criticism and reacts aggressively to it, even if it is true and the critic wishes the good of the vain person.
He gladly accepts any kind of flattery and does not stop the flatterer, but, on the contrary, revels in his imaginary glory.
A vain person talks a lot but does little. Spins all events around itself. His words and promises are at odds with his deeds.
1. As a rule, vanity comes hand in hand with any success. Don't let it go to your head, listen to criticism from people worthy of respect (teachers, managers, etc.). Constructive criticism will help you get rid of excessive pride and help you see the shortcomings and weaknesses in your achievements that need to be improved and worked on.
2. If you still have a desire for fame, then be sure to determine what it should be, from whom you strive to receive recognition (authoritative people in this field of activity), for what achievements (deeds and their fruits).
3. Be aware of the consequences of vanity and keep them before your eyes. Vanity always leads to disappointments and falls, because a person does not perceive his weak sides, relaxes, loses touch with reality, adequacy. Around such a person, like a snowball, deception grows, useless hangers-on appear, since it is unpleasant for adequate people to stay in such a society. Most often, vanity is followed by idleness, laziness, irresponsibility, and behind them - disappointments and failures. And as a consequence - the fall of man in the eyes of society. This must always be remembered.
4. Replace vanity and idle talk with concrete actions leading to your goal. Direct all your attention and energy towards achieving a certain result, and you will win the fight against pride and vanity.
5. Thoughtfully identify your motivations for achieving your goal. Remember that they must be noble and worthy of respect. This will allow you to maintain a clear conscience, self-respect, and moral satisfaction.
Every self-respecting person, unlike a vain person, does not demand glorification of his deeds, does not reward himself for any achievements, calmly listens to criticism and accepts the opinions of his teachers, authoritative people, and mentors. Worthy man does not revel in flattery and sweet deception. On the contrary, criticism from experts in this field of activity is important to him; he needs to know about his shortcomings.
Vain people derive satisfaction from flattery and empty fame. And worthy, self-respecting people depend on the results achieved, on the process of achieving goals, on the benefits that the fruits of their labor bring.
The often-arising question of getting rid of vanity concerns mainly those people who are thoroughly tired of their own popularity and the need to keep themselves above others. This is partly due to the fact that even the most complex nature, associated with vanity, often gives weakness, since its owner objectively realizes that sometimes there may not be a reason to be proud of himself, since the people around him look much more modest, although smarter and more presentable than the person suffering from this feeling.
How to get rid of vanity and pride
This question is important from the point of view that a person with such a quality later begins to experience difficulties in communication, because they are treated with caution, implying his superiority. Therefore, the desire to be equal to them pushes them to fight their character, which requires flattery from everyone around them.
The desire for flattery arises in a person when he cares greatly about himself and his appearance, about which flattery can most often be heard. At the same time, I really want the costs of money or time through which your appearance, were appreciated. Introducing this concept into everyday practice requires daily admiration for your qualities.
Having assessed the reason for your vanity given above, the logical conclusion would be reducing stress about your appearance. At the same time, this saying does not say that the importance of this aspect should be greatly reduced, but it only implies that it should be treated with a little less reverence and not value care for it so dearly. This will allow you not to demand flattery from people, since all the means by which it was achieved are of less importance specifically for you. Then those around you, who already appreciate your tastes and manners, will not need to say provocative things to you.
If vanity is not associated with your appearance, but is a projection of your capabilities or official position, then in order to get rid of vanity it is enough to identify the person who in the future can compare with you. At the same time, never give him your own advice, because it is likely that he is already guided by you. Therefore, communicate with him as an equal and wait for him to show you how to be more modest. Then you will make the obvious conclusion that he achieved a similar result without vanity, but is a person similar to you.
The content of the article:
Vanity is the feeling of fame, recognition and arrogance of a person for no apparent reason. The root of this problem lies in the distortion of self-esteem to create a certain image that can somehow help you feel better. IN pure form vanity means sweet self-deception, arrogance, pride, which does not lead to anything good and only pushes other people away.
The influence of vanity on life
Vanity is a lie to oneself that revolves around self-esteem and is fueled by self-praise and flattery. Naturally, such a person is not able to correctly assess the level of his capabilities, because vanity increases the number of positive qualities and elevates him to a new pedestal. This normal desire to be recognized and the pursuit of praise often exhausts a person internally. And after this it is very difficult to find internal balance.
Inadequate self-esteem distorts the perception of a person by others and makes him look like a braggart. Usually in such cases, close people and friends are lost. Pride exalts a person above others to the maximum and makes him higher only in his consciousness. Outwardly, it looks like he thinks too much about himself and, naturally, does not inspire confidence in others.
Vanity excludes the possibility of a sober outlook on life. A person is unable to understand the feelings of others and correctly assess the situation. Problems are growing in the family due to misunderstandings. A vain man in the street will demand too much from others, which he himself does not deserve. He expects calling, praise and honor for his actions, which, in fact, are worth nothing of the kind.
A woman’s vanity turns her husband away from her, who begins to consider his wife too arrogant. She loses her friends by demanding constant praise from them and speaking negatively about them. Such a woman is convinced of her own superiority and does not doubt it at all. Moreover, she persistently tries to gain recognition from the people around her, while not being very polite towards them.
The problem of such a person is self-esteem, which is not motivated by anything, but is simply inflated due to internal conflict and unresolved personal problems. Over time, children stop treating their vain mothers the way they demand, and family conflict increases. Naturally, any relationship will deteriorate in the future, because no one will recognize the cult of an undeserved personality.
Vain men very often turn their women into submissive followers of their immodest persona. Such a person will choose the most meek and quiet girl who will constantly confirm and support his “pseudo-title”. If a family develops, it will be only on the basis of the indispensable veneration of the man in the family and respect for his vain ego. The husband will build any relationship around himself and his person, while overshadowing all the merits of his wife and children.
Inflated self-esteem and the constant demand for recognition from loved ones will slowly destroy family relationships, which will immediately lead to the quite expected collapse. The situation with children in the family will be the same as in the case of a woman. Vanity encourages you to put yourself above any interests of other family members. That is why mutual understanding in such families is completely absent.
The main reasons for the development of vanity
Vanity is always a consequence of internal conflict, a split in self-perception. A person mixes the real with the desired and believes what he likes best. A split occurs due to a traumatic situation or prolonged exposure to an unfavorable climate, for example, growing up in a dysfunctional family.
Vanity is considered as a variant of the psyche’s distorted compensation for missing feelings. But, stuck on the feeling of their acute lack, a person is deprived of the opportunity to soberly assess the situation. Sometimes this feeling develops as a result of maintaining a false image for a long time. artificially.
Arrogance can arise as a result of the fact that a person was treated too kindly, praising and exaggerating his achievements, although, in fact, there were no reasons for this. Unfortunately, both options happen quite often, but depending on different situations may take on slightly different shades.
Perhaps the reason lies in childhood. Difficult relationships with parents or loved ones who allowed themselves to insult the child and belittle his dignity can quite realistically influence the formation of an unhealthy psyche in the child.
Constant belittlement causes a feeling of lack of certain emotions that accompany pride and recognition. After all, every person sincerely dreams of being recognized or hearing praise. Those children who have never heard it turn simple words into value and appropriate it to themselves. This seems to be a way of compensating for damage done in childhood. A person who has been humiliated creates an aura of pride and recognition around himself, literally demanding honor from others.
Arrogance manifests itself in every situation and acts as a defensive reaction. Sometimes this is a way to prove to yourself that your parents were wrong and that the person is really worth something. In any case, the compensatory reaction goes far beyond the scope of that initial family conflict, and the average person learns to live with pride and takes it for granted.
Often a person's arrogance develops after difficult school years. No matter how adults are, children can sometimes be very cruel. School years are accompanied by intensive development of the child’s psyche. Bullying by peers and public humiliation can cause serious harm to an unformed outlook, including self-esteem. Moreover, adolescence with characteristic hormonal surges enhances the effect and can even lead to negative consequences.
These events, in fact, cause a split in personality and some change in one’s ego. A compensatory defensive reaction develops in the form of high self-esteem. A person creates an image and reputation for himself that will not be tarnished, and is very worried about it. Begins to perceive himself much higher than he really is.
Most often, vanity develops as a result of poor upbringing. No, for this it is not necessary to scold or humiliate the child; it is quite enough to allow him to behave the way he wants. The absence of established boundaries of behavior and prohibitions creates pathological permissiveness.
Over time, such a person begins to get used to the fact that everyone will treat him the same way as his parents, becoming more and more confident in his own superiority. Self-esteem grows with the child over the years, without denying himself anything, and an image of his own unsurpassedness and perfection is formed. High requirements towards society and arrogant self-conceit bring up a vain self-lover.
The main signs of vanity in a person
It is quite easy to recognize a vain person in communication. They usually give themselves away thanks to their high self-esteem and looking down on their interlocutor. First of all, he talks about his merits and superiority, focuses on his own qualities, slightly embellishing his achievements and qualities.
In a conversation, he tries to either dominate and lead the conversation, or look down on his interlocutor with an evaluative or even contemptuous look. The thread of conversation is constantly trying to pull you into a familiar topic, to talk about yourself. Never asks about others and has little interest in the affairs of his interlocutor.
Of course, all of the above is characteristic of an extreme degree of vanity, but some similar signs are easy to notice in your acquaintances and friends. Vanity is manifested by the characteristic centralization of conversations. Such a person uses any occasion and topic to tell everyone about a new event in his life, an achievement that is actually not very important.
Updates unimportant events and tries to become the center of attention, turns the conversation from others to himself. With all this, internal vanity makes you feel a feeling of discomfort if your pride is hurt or if someone else is in the center of the conversation.
Vanity sometimes does not allow you to do some simple things that are common to people, for example, apologizing, asking for something. These are ordinary concepts, but it is very difficult for a vain person to stoop to them. To do this, you need to lower your pride scale and “condescend” to simple requests or apologies. Signs of this condition may include an inability to approach people tactfully, insistence on getting one's own way, and a lack of flexibility in life situations.
At work, such people often achieve success, but they also fail because of their pride. The person is very proud of his place and values it above all else. Vain bosses love flattery and praise; praising someone like that in time can even get you a significant bonus or promotion. But, having heard not very pleasant reviews about yourself, everything changes: the anger of vanity is a rather unpleasant thing, and it is better not to encounter it.
How to overcome vanity
Vanity, after all, is an internal conflict, and it must be resolved from within. Only by finding the root of the problem can you get rid of this unpleasant quality forever. Naturally, ideal solution For this task, there will be a timely appeal to a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist. With the help of several sessions of cognitive behavioral therapy, you can correct your self-esteem and set the right priorities for your life. life path.
For men, the importance of the question of how to deal with vanity is rarely raised. It is quite difficult to hurt their pride and shake it to such a level that they begin to doubt the veracity of their ideas.
But still, some of them, who notice this not very pleasant quality in themselves, want to get rid of it as soon as possible. This means that the first stage of revaluation has already begun and minimal criticism of one’s own feelings has appeared.
Women have a much harder time fighting vanity than men. They have a stronger sense of self-esteem and pride, which is motivated by social attitudes. How to get rid of vanity will be interesting only to the woman for whom it has already caused a lot of problems and makes it difficult social adaptation. Only then will she begin to look for means and ways to combat this condition.
For both sexes, it is important to realize the value of one’s own person, to critically evaluate one’s abilities and capabilities, or, in other words, to be honest with oneself. The last thing is the most difficult for people who have been deceiving themselves all their lives and showing themselves to be better than they really are.
We need to appreciate and accept the importance of other people, learn to respect their rights and dignity, recognize best sides and share the opinions of others. You need to understand your role in the big mechanism and accept it, be able to appreciate the importance of others, be able to admit your mistakes and shortcomings.
Ideal people It doesn’t happen, everyone can find a flaw in themselves that characterizes them as a person, and people are prone to making mistakes. It must be remembered that admitting your shortcomings is the greatest courage, which not everyone can achieve. To overcome internal conflict, it is necessary, first of all, to pacify your own pride by taking the first steps towards success.
How to get rid of vanity - watch the video:
Human strength is far from material benefits, achievements or competitions. They forever remain only memories and pictures from memory. The real value is the people who are nearby, no matter what, those who will remain when there is nothing left. You need to be able to distinguish inner self-respect and fortitude from vile vanity, which drags you into the abyss of envy, pride and loneliness.