Dad died, how to cope. A child's father has died, what to do?

When someone close to you dies, the feeling of loss can be overwhelming. There is no one that is easy to let go of. So when a father dies, it may seem impossible to cope with the loss. Is this a normal reaction to grief? How to deal with your feelings? How to cope with the death of your father?

Acknowledge and mourn the loss

Very often the first feeling that comes after the news of death is loved one– disbelief. Death is not a natural event, so what happened seems impossible. It may seem that by disagreeing with this you can avoid the experience. Therefore, denial or disbelief is normal. This is why there may not be tears immediately or at the funeral.

However, after a certain time, awareness still comes, and this is always unexpected. Sometimes such feelings are said to be “overwhelming” or “encompassing completely, not allowing you to think about anything else.” During this period, you need to give vent to your feelings and mourn your loss.

You can't let someone else decide whether a grief reaction is normal. Some may feel like they are grieving too much or not enough. It is better to forgive and forget such an opinion of others. The reaction to grief is an individual concept, and no one can impose their own standards.

One way to release your feelings is to cry. Although it may seem to someone that if a person restrains his feelings it will be easier for him or that this is a sign of strength. Actually this is not true. A person cries not because he is weak, but because he is in pain. Tears are a natural reaction; the body is designed in such a way that, along with tears, substances that soothe are released. nervous system. In this way, tears really help to calm down. True, this does not apply to people whose crying turns into a hysterical state.

You can ease your worries by talking about your feelings. It can be stopped by fear of misunderstanding or reluctance to upset others. But if everyone struggles with grief alone, it will only make the situation worse. After the death of dad, it will be easier for mom and children if they unite with each other. And for this you need to talk, including about experiences, fears and pain.

There is no need to compare yourself and family members, deciding who is worse off and who grieves more. Everyone feels bad, and trying to support each other makes it easier to cope with their feelings.

There is a good chance that someone in extreme pain will say something that hurts feelings. It is worth remembering that now this person is talking about his pain. Most likely, he doesn’t really think so, it’s just how he feels at the moment.

There are situations when you can’t talk about your feelings, or there’s simply no one to talk to. Some people note that they felt a little better after they expressed their feelings on paper. This could be a diary in which everything that worries you is written down, or letters to the deceased. One woman wrote letters to her son for more than ten years. According to her, it helped her get through her grief.

Guilt

Regardless of what the relationship was with dad, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, a feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. My thoughts pop up: “if I had persuaded him to go to the doctor...”, “if we hadn’t quarreled then...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.

Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.

We must remember that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step. To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things.

It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.

Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.

The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.

In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.

How to live on

Immediately after a tragedy occurs, it may seem that life has stopped. Most likely, problems with sleep and appetite will begin. You need to make a conscious effort to return to your normal daily routine as soon as possible. If you can’t return to your normal routine, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.

You should not solve the problem with alcohol. Thus, problems simply accumulate, and their solution is pushed back. It is more difficult to resolve issues in an advanced stage.

Making decisions

Often the father has many responsibilities. But even if this is not the case, after his death there are many serious decisions to be made. These include questions such as:

• What to do with the things of the deceased and everything that reminds him of him?
• Does a mother need to move in with her adult children?
• If the children are too young to earn money, how can a mother support her family? How can they help her?

Some people believe that it is necessary to immediately get rid of the deceased’s belongings so that nothing disturbs the soul. However, many widows and children of the deceased later regret that they hastened to such a decision. Of course, at first these things will most likely cause pain and may need to be removed. But then, when the pain subsides a little, a strong desire may appear to touch anything that was connected with the deceased. Therefore, it is worth leaving something as a keepsake.

Another serious decision is the mother moving in with her adult children. To children this may seem like the only thing the right decision which needs to be taken as soon as possible. However, such a move is additional stress for the mother. There is no need to rush her: perhaps the best place for her to mourn her loss is in the house where she lived with her husband.

It can be a very difficult situation when the mother is solely responsible for financially caring for her children. Immediately after the incident, there may be a thought: “after my husband’s death, I no longer need anything.” This is not selfishness, this is pain. But this is a situation when you need to think about the future of your children and your own. It is worth asking someone close to you to find out about possible benefits and payments in government agencies and at the place of work of the deceased. There is no need to refuse help.

Don't go to extremes. If, after the death of her husband, the mother throws herself into work, the children may feel even more severe pain. You should not expect that after redistributing responsibilities everything will immediately improve. You need to give yourself and your family time to get used to such changes.

Patience with yourself and others

Often the pain of loss weighs on a person longer than he expected. Therefore, you need to be patient, without judging yourself or family members for a sudden surge of emotions. From year to year, seemingly gone feelings can return again and again. This is fine. Sometimes those who mourn a loss are thrown from one extreme to the other: either they want to constantly talk about the deceased, or they don’t want to remember, so as not to cause themselves pain.

Patience will also be needed in relation to others. Most likely, many of them will feel awkward and not know what to say. In such situations, people often say something out of place or tactlessly - not because they have malicious intent.

Some who have lost a father become frightened when the acute pain begins to subside. It may seem that your love for him has weakened. But that's not true. Letting go of pain does not mean forgetting. It means focusing on the good things that happened and moving on with life. This is not a betrayal, but a gradual one.

Of course, immediately after dad's death, it may seem like relief will never come. But if you accept and grieve your loss, take time to make big decisions, and deal with your emotions patiently, you can feel better over time.

Irina, Pyatigorsk

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When a parent, father or mother dies, this event cannot but leave a deep mark. In this article I will talk about how to cope with the death of your father. When you first learn about the death of your father, especially an unexpected death that is not preceded by illness, you feel shock or even nothing. If you have to deal with a funeral and organize everything, then you can remain in this insensibility until the funeral, because business distracts you.

You may then feel very great grief and loss that seems impossible to cope with. Try not to hold back your feelings, cry if you want. It is important to allow the feelings of grief to come out freely. You will remember a lot about your father, about episodes of your childhood when he supported you and understood you.

During this period, it is also normal to feel angry at other people or at your father because he died, or because he did something bad to you. Don’t blame yourself for these feelings, they are completely normal, because now you are remembering everything connected with your father.

You may feel very guilty for not being attentive to your father in last years his life, that they did not send him to the doctor, that they communicated with him little. These feelings are also normal. It’s normal to even see the ghost of the deceased - many people have this reaction immediately after death, you shouldn’t be afraid of it.

Maybe you want to fulfill some dream of the deceased or become what he always wanted you to be. Or would you like to leave it on former places all the things he used, as if he would soon enter the room and pick them up. In the early days after your father's death, this reaction is normal, but keep in mind that if it lasts more than a year, it means that you need help in coping with this loss.

If guilt, anger, or other strong feelings persist in you several years after your father's death, or if you have recently experienced another bereavement, then you may want to seek help because you have complicated grief that is difficult to process on your own.

Don't hold onto your grief because when you stop grieving, it doesn't mean you will forget your father or stop loving him. He will remain in your heart, you will remember him especially important points your life, you will mentally ask his advice if you did this during his lifetime. In general, you will have some kind of relationship with him, but it will no longer be with real person, but with an image. The point of the grief period is precisely to rebuild relationships and mourn the loss of the relationships you had.

If you are asking “how to get over the death of your father” in the hope that you will get advice from a psychologist on how to quickly stop grieving and feeling pain, but you should know that there is no way to get over the pain of loss quickly. Suppressing grief is costly because the pain then will not go away in a year or two, but will live inside for many years, awakening every time death or the father-child relationship is mentioned.

So, how to cope with your father's death:

1. Cry, talk to someone who knew him, talk to someone about your relationship with him and your feelings about his death.

2. Don't suppress your feelings: There are many feelings that arise after the death of a loved one, and they are all normal.

3. If you experience not a fleeting, but a very obsessive and persistent feeling of guilt or anger, seek help from a psychologist, because your grief is complicated and may not go away with time.

4. Listen to your urges and impulses, they will help you survive the death of your father.

5. Read books about grief, fiction and psychological - the more you think about this topic, the better you experience grief.

I am to blame for the death of my 87-year-old father, who, having been blind for 11 years and subsequently deaf, felt lonely, hopeless, and with emptiness in his soul committed suicide through suffocation. My fault is that when I went to work I could not provide him with the attention I needed, and when I came home from work I was annoyed by his questions, not understanding how lonely a blind man was without communication. Sometimes she could offend him morally. I deprived him of attention and care, and this all prompted him to commit suicide. He is tired of this life. I don't know how to live with this? Valentina.

Hello, Valentina.

You ask how to live with the fact that you are to blame for your father’s death, as if it is a fact that you are to blame. Apparently, he really felt very bad, since he committed suicide, and it’s very sad and sad, it’s a shame that he felt so bad, and no one knew about it, including you. Apparently, he did not say that he felt so bad.

You took care of your father, and judging by your message, you were the only one who did. Most likely, it was very difficult for you yourself, hence the irritation. A person can share his energy and joy only if he himself has it, and not because he has to.

I don't know when your father died, whether it was recently or a long time ago. If recently, then you are experiencing grief, and grief is characterized by looking for someone to blame, including yourself. But this does not mean that you are actually to blame for your father's death. You didn’t know that he would commit suicide, you didn’t know that he felt so bad and lacked communication so much, and it wasn’t easy for you yourself either. You also needed care and understanding from someone that you needed to rest after work, to replace you for a while in caring for your father. It was only in retrospect that you realized what he was missing and how bad it was, but you didn’t know it then, and couldn’t have known if he didn’t talk about it.

As far as I can remember, my father has always been an example for me. Even on those who grow up without a father, his influence is great - in the sense that it is easy to notice when a man was raised by his mother alone. Therefore, the death of a father is a huge grief and great pain for any man. This is great sorrow. For many it is a loss of losses. This grief is different from any other, and only a man who has lost his father can understand it. This event is difficult to recover from. It contains several difficult aspects at once.

Vulnerability

When a father dies, we often lose even more than dear person. We sincerely cannot understand why the world did not stop after this tragic event. Sons take the death of their father very hard, and when the world does not share this grief, it makes them feel alone, cut off from a world that does not understand them. Many men feel like an orphan, even though their mother is alive, because they feel universal loneliness. This feeling of vulnerability is due to the fact that for many of us the father is a symbol of stability and order in the world order. We always know that we can count on our father in any situation: he will help, he will give advice, even when the whole world turns its back on us. When the father is no longer there, the son does not know where to turn for help; he feels scared and vulnerable. This is true even for men who had a bad relationship with their father. Yes, the father may not have been a protector and provider, but we still feel loneliness: somewhere in the subconscious we believed that the father could still fix the matter.

Awareness of mortality

Our culture prefers to ignore the fact of human mortality and avoid this topic in every possible way. However, when a man loses his father, he can no longer ignore the fact that human life is finite; he understands clearly: we will all die one day. This awareness can affect us any time we are faced with death, and it is especially powerful with the death of a father. This is because many men see their father as part of themselves; part of themselves dies along with their father. The son knows that he will never (at least during his lifetime) see his father, and when he himself dies, it will simply be the end. Many may argue that death is an objective fact, why does the loss of a specific person make it so frightening? The problem is the illusion of control. We men are accustomed to thinking that we control our own destiny, that we are in charge. In many cases this is true, but death is a completely special matter: here we have no control. We lose this illusion of control, there is simply no place for it in our lives: no matter how well we know how to control ourselves and solve problems, we cannot raise our father from the dead. Therefore, the son grieves not only for his father, but also for the understanding of his own powerlessness that he has acquired.

There's no one else to listen to us

We are used to our father always being there. He saw all our achievements, he helped, he encouraged, he gave advice. A son does a lot for his father's approval, and his father is one of the few people whose approval is worth straining for. We can proudly bring home excellent grades and show our diary to our father; this dynamic can be seen in adulthood: we boast about our achievements at university, at work, in the family. When a father dies, there is no one else to tell about it. There is no one to listen to us. For sons who are already parents themselves, it is also sad because they cannot tell their proud grandfather about the successes of their children, they cannot ask for advice about raising children. We miss our father at any time when we need advice or human participation. For a man who had never been particularly close to his father, this loss was felt much earlier, long before his father died: he tried in vain to earn his approval. And now, with his death, this loss has doubled: the son realizes that he will never be able to show his father what he is capable of.

Take on a new role

For many men, inheritance does not primarily mean property, but responsibility. Regardless of age, after the death of their father, men feel that they have suddenly and greatly matured. The death of the father leaves a vacuum in the family, and the sons feel that they now need to fulfill their father's role, to replace him. This is especially true if the father was the head and protector of the family. The sons feel pressure on themselves, they are afraid of not being able to cope with this task. If mom is still alive, the son will focus on taking care of her. And thanks to this, he will grow, and the family will unite, relatives will become closer to each other in order to somehow improve life in new conditions. However, things don't always happen this way. The opposite may also happen: other family members will resist the son’s desire to take on the role of head of the family; siblings may even compete for this role. In the worst case, the death of the father can lead to a complete breakdown of the family: he kept them together, and now there is no one else to do it. For men in whose lives their father has not played an important role, the thought of taking his place seems daunting. They do not want to fulfill his duties; on the contrary: they want to change the order of things so as not to be like their father in the future.

Long shadow

As a boy grows up, he learns different skills from his father and life lessons. He quickly realizes that it is better to do everything like his father, because he knows more, he has more experience, and disobedience, as a rule, turns out worse for you. Sons crave their fathers' approval and live for praise. This desire for paternal approval and the suffering from disapproval spills over into adult life and last even after the father's death. Sons often feel their father's presence when they do what their father taught them; visit places that you and your father have visited before; use their things. For many men, such memories mean a connection with their father even after his death. However, sons may find it difficult to do things differently from their father: they seem to sense his disapproval. They often ask themselves the question: “Would my father be proud of me?” Our father's long shadow influences our lives even after his passing.

Father's legacy

When a man grieves for his father, he inevitably goes through a phase of accepting his father's legacy. We often look to the lives of our father and grandfather to evaluate how their views and values ​​affected us. Some sons look back on their father's character and values ​​with admiration and a desire to follow them in own life. Others look back and see guilt, mistakes, failures - everything that they themselves would like to avoid. As a rule, we are looking for some good qualities that they could implement in their own lives. For a son who has already become a father, the analysis of his father's legacy is especially important: he feels like the middle link through which the past is cemented with the future - one day he will pass on this legacy to his own children. For many men, the death of a father serves as an impetus for strengthening relationships with their own children, strengthening their desire to be the source of pride for their children.

It's not that practical guide to action on how to behave in the event of the death of the father. There are no instructions here. This post aims to show all the aspects and stages of accepting this grief; show how difficult it is to deal with it. Only time can heal wounds. One thing is clear: after the death of your father comes the desire to live your life so that people can call you a worthy son of your father; so that you yourself can proudly declare it. Two things are important in accepting this grief. First, you need to fight. This may seem strange, but you can only survive grief by fighting it. It will strengthen you. Secondly, we need to talk about it. In grief you need support. Be strong and strong, bro.

Question to a psychologist

Today the day started as usual, nothing portended trouble, I went to the clinic, and when I came home, my mother was unusually affectionate with me, and the moment came when she, not boldly looking me in the eyes, said that my dad, he is no more .... I was pierced by some kind of pain, despair, in general, I don’t know how to describe it and what should I do, my dad was 40, he died from blood pressure (my parents divorced when I was 5 and all the time he lived in Volgograd with my parents, and my mother and I are in Moscow) and I’m only 15, and I don’t know how to live further...

Hello, Marina. Losing a loved one is always painful and scary. You ask how to live further. All people experience loss and somehow live after it. different in different ways. I can definitely say that the pain of loss will be with you for a long time. It is important to cry, it is important to have someone who can just be there without immediately demanding to calm down. The more you cry, the easier it will be for you to bear grief. Perhaps, after some time, anger will arise at dad, at mom, at the doctors who did not save him - it is also important to express this. The main thing is not to keep it to yourself. It is important to understand what is happening to you.

I don’t know how much this explanation will help you, but my husband, explaining the death of his grandmother to our son, said, “If we remember her, she will be.” So you can also save the moments associated with your dad in your memory, in your heart.

Marina! You need to live in such a way that your dad is proud of you. So that his memory will be bright. He passed away, but he is there. It should be in your memory. He loved you, and you love him. The pain and despair will gradually subside, but the memory and bright sadness will remain. Misfortune came unexpectedly and took you by surprise. And it’s impossible to prepare for it. Therefore, many feelings will come to you now. This is pain, and despair, and sadness, and anger, and fear... All of them must be met and carried out... Meeted and carried out...

Hello, Marina! The loss of your father is a severe pain - and you are overwhelmed by a feeling of emptiness, injustice, inability to cope with this flow of feelings, but also devastation and complete loss of strength - you don’t want anything, neither live nor think - before you lived and knew that you had a dad and mom - even if not together, but there was a feeling of security, but now one thread has broken and it is very difficult to understand what will happen now... Whatever the relationship was between you - but this death tore him out and the relationship with him still remains incomplete , interrupted - now it is important for you to get over this mental pain, to grieve - but at the same time think about this: what would your father wish for you while being THERE, for you HERE? he has not left you, his image will always be with you, if it is difficult and painful, you can always turn to him, but he is not around, but imagine that he will always stand behind you and this is what can restore a sense of security, peace, strength and confidence in the future - he was in front of you - face to face, now he is behind you! This loss is common to you and your mother - and it is important not to accumulate everything inside, but to voice it - you can speak, write - everything that you feel, everything that happens to you - thoughts, feelings, tell him that you didn’t have time, whatever you want! you can go and say goodbye to your family, leave something of yourself to him - but remember that this little thread will always be between you, in your soul, keep it!

Dad died. For many who have lost their father, this phrase sounds heartbreaking. And the heart aches in the chest, beating at a frantic rhythm. When the father dies, i.e. When my father died, everything inside seemed to end, as if the world had collapsed. And at such moments, close friends could help, but not everyone and not always. It happens that words of support not only help, but even irritate, infuriate, well, how many times can you repeat the same thing. Calm down! How can you calm down? Or pull yourself together! How? How can you be calm when the person you grew up with, played with, was brought up with, sometimes shared secrets, asked for advice, suddenly dies, leaves you, somewhere out there, in heaven, in paradise, in the universe... You thought that It will always be like this, that he will always live, you can always call him, talk, ask him how he is, how he is, what he was doing... But alas, this is how it is with everyone, at an unexpected or expected moment we lose our fathers. And no matter how hard it is for us, we need to live on, live, because he gave us life, because he wanted it so, because it should be so that fathers leave before their children. Yes, it is difficult and impossible to accept this thought: “Dad is dead.” And no matter how much you would like to return him, this, alas, is impossible, therefore you need to come to terms with and accept the fact that dad died, that now he will not be around, that you need to live without this person.

Of course, you can resist this thought, but this will not help reality. In reality, it will only get worse because the desire for dad to be alive does not correspond with the reality that dad is no longer there. And no matter how much a person suffers, reality will remain, but what he wants will not come true. It’s difficult to understand, let alone accept, and even after many years, remembering dad, the heart will ache, there will be tears, there will be bitterness, and life will no longer be what it was before.

But if you can’t get your father back, then you can get yours back. emotional condition back to normal. And you can start smiling again, move on with your life, without sadness. It would seem that this is impossible, because dad died. But I will tell you that it is possible and I see this every day with different people who lost his father. There are intensive methods and techniques to quickly recover from the loss of your dad. Freeing you from feelings of grief and loss, from suffering and melancholy. Leaving only a little sadness and a bright, warm memory of him, of your father. Therefore, do not wait for it to settle down on its own. Click on the link (>>) and follow further instructions. And you will be able to get rid of grief and live as before, but without it.
Everything is much simpler than it seems now.
I won’t try to convince you otherwise, you will see for yourself in an hour.