The father loves his daughter to stroke his back. A daughter's destiny is shaped by her relationship with her father.

The situation in my family is very scary. I don't know how to describe this briefly. We are a party of four. My husband is 40, I am 33. Two children. Daughter 7 years old, son 11 months old. When I met my husband, I already had a daughter. She was six months old. He raised her. It's obvious that they love each other. My daughter is always very worried if we are in a quarrel. He comes up to me and says, Mom, I don’t want you to fight because of me. It would be better if I didn’t say anything.... In general, I found out about this (although what exactly “this” is still not clear about) three years ago. The daughter cried, said something about pussy, the husband shook his head in shock and said, I’m not a pedophile. They talked for a long time, everyone cried, I believed him, he promised to prove that everything was wrong... three years passed. In the spring, I caught them in the kitchen, my husband had a morning erection in his shorts, and his daughter was hanging on his neck. He then admitted that his daughter herself, from the age of 4, had been showing an unhealthy interest in him, reaching into his underpants, crawling under the blanket, copying me, lying on his shoulder, hugging him. In principle, I admit this, she accidentally saw us having sex a long time ago... my husband says, he was afraid to tell, he thought it would pass, they say she’s still 4 years old. This was 3 years ago. And when this spring I caught (is this an appropriate word) them in the kitchen, I decided to talk to my daughter again. She cries, sobs, says dad, he put his hand in my panties and asked me to hold him there while I was in the shower. He says, just don’t get a divorce, I don’t want to be without my dad. And cries. I'm shocked. I'm going to my husband. He says there was no such thing. Then he says I don’t remember, maybe he was drunk, but they say I’m not a pedophile, I have no sexual interest in her. Then I talked to my daughter, she admitted that she used to go after her dad. In general, somehow we survived this story... the day before yesterday my husband arrived from his shift. We haven't seen each other for 10 days. Everyone was so happy, we missed you. A wonderful dinner, gifts, sex. The next morning, I woke up my daughter for school and went and lay down again in our bedroom with my husband and son. After about 10 minutes, the husband got up and went into the hall, the daughter had not yet left for school. And I’m lying there and somehow I don’t feel at ease. I go out into the hall. My husband is lying on his stomach on the sofa, using his phone, my daughter is pulling on a backpack in the hallway, but I feel something wrong in my spine. In the evening I take turns talking to them. The daughter says that dad touched himself in front of her ( masturbated). The husband says he didn’t do it in front of her, and when he did it, he didn’t see her. The daughter is in tears. Don’t get divorced, don’t fight, it would be better for me to remain silent. I cry, drink sedatives and want to go out the window. The husband is shocked, silent... this morning he left again on shift for a week, he says I will die without you, I will prove that nothing like this exists and never happened. I don't know what to do, who to believe. I don’t want to raise my son (11 months old) without a father, they love each other, the child is very long-awaited, desired, but I have only one daughter, smart, beautiful... and then there’s me. I love my family very much. Everyone. Including a cat and a hamster. I love my husband madly. He is really very good. Family-friendly, handy, smart, funny. But also cunning. I can not with my own hands destroy the family, get divorced and leave. I can not. Physically. I will die. The children will be left alone. But I can’t ruin my daughter’s life either. Although she is crying and begging her not to leave her dad. And she doesn’t look intimidated at all. She always runs to the doorstep to meet her dad from work, hanging on his neck. This whole thing is really driving me crazy.

I need a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a friend... someone to discuss this with. But not with anyone. You can’t talk about this topic with your friends; there’s no money for a psychologist yet. And it hurts me unbearably. There is also nowhere to run. I am alone in my grief. And I can only discuss it with my husband. You can't talk about that. Help... I'm afraid that when I leave my husband and children, I'll start blaming my daughter for everything, even though it's not her fault, and my relationship with her will deteriorate. But you can’t leave everything like this! What should I do? How to take everything out of your heart? How to erase gigabytes of memory from your head? I'm between two fires. I'm about to burn. Help.

Hello Julia.

Adults may become agitated when interacting with children. These desires are not always controllable. But this is not what makes a person a pedophile.
It is important how an adult then deals with this excitement. It is important what choice he makes. And this choice depends 100% on the adult. Only he can tell himself that even if he gets excited, he still will not perform any sexual actions with the child, in her presence, ask her, show her, etc.
Symbolically, the message to your daughter should look like this: “I like you, I admire you, but I am your mother’s husband and I will only be with her. We will have nothing with you.” And of course, you yourself cannot encourage the child, seduce him, etc.

Children can behave provocatively; they are just beginning to recognize their body, their still childish attractiveness. But children are not responsible for their actions; they do not yet fully understand what is happening to them.

My daughter herself, since she was 4 years old, has been showing an unhealthy interest in him, reaching into his underpants, crawling under the blanket, copying me, lying on his shoulder, hugging him.

The child simply copies the behavior of the parents. Many children want to become a husband for their mother and a wife for their father, not yet fully understanding what this means. When we talk about a child, the words “unhealthy interest” have no meaning.

What’s not great is that an adult doesn’t explain to the child that you can’t do this to dad, that dad will sleep and lie under the blanket and only allow mom to touch him in his underpants.

The daughter is in tears. Don’t get divorced, don’t fight, it would be better for me to remain silent.

Only adults should take responsibility for everything that happens. To do this, it is important not to swear or discuss these issues in front of your daughter, not to arrange confrontations and not to find out who is lying. Whatever decision you make regarding your future life with your husband, you must explain to your daughter that these are only your adult affairs. And that she did everything she told you right. Talk to your daughter and explain that if this happens, if dad asks her to touch him, shows her, masturbates in front of her, etc. - then this is not right and harmful for him and for her.

Sincerely, psychologist, gestalt therapist,
Makarova Lola.

Question to a psychologist:

Hello!

Three weeks ago I learned information that was shocking to me. My daughter admitted that my husband, her biological father, periodically “grops” her. At first he did it casually, when he woke her up in the morning and casually ran his hands over her breasts and panties. When passing by, he would sometimes slap her on the butt, as if flirting. And one day, when they were visiting their grandmother in the village, he invited them to look at the starfall. He set up a bed on the street, and lying next to her under the blankets, he put his hand between her legs. Those. It wasn’t just some impulse that he couldn’t cope with, it turns out that these were his purposeful, planned actions!! I still can’t understand why he was sure that she would remain silent? Was he not at all afraid that I would find out? Why didn’t my daughter resist these actions and admitted it to me only 2 weeks later?! On the same day, I told my husband that I knew about his harassment, he denied it for a long time, but when he realized that my daughter had told me all the details, he confessed, said that he had done something stupid and actually didn’t mean anything like that... I still For now I feel like I’m in some kind of nightmare, the world collapsed in one day. It was difficult for me to talk to my husband, and I wrote him a letter, where I expressed all my pain, all my thoughts, tried to do it as carefully as possible, but firmly outlined my position - we can no longer be together under any circumstances. He left. The first days I often wrote SMS, repented, asked for reconciliation, but my answers were short and categorical. Sometimes he comes to us, brings gifts, spends a little time with the children. We have four of them, the youngest is one and a half years old and he loves him madly, I think that this is the biggest pain for him now.... The eldest daughter naturally avoids him. After these meetings, I feel terrible guilt and regret that everything turned out this way. I understand that now I need to give more of my attention and love to my daughter, who in this situation turned out to be a victim, but for some reason I feel most sorry for my husband. For three weeks now he has been living in a garage, there are no living conditions there, damp, cold... And when he stopped by for the last time, I saw that he was sick. She invited him to live at home for now, but he refused because he was afraid of infecting the children. I haven’t written for three days, I’m worried about him, I’m constantly thinking about how he is and what’s wrong with him... Yesterday I couldn’t stand it and wrote to him myself to find out how he was feeling. He replied that it was a little better. She offered to help rent an apartment, but he said there was no need. This feeling of guilt and pity simply paralyzes me, I can’t do anything. But I have children, I need to communicate with them, work, just live. I’m also worried about what’s happening to my daughter, how I can help her when I’m in a terrible state myself. Sometimes I notice that I am angry with her. The upcoming conversation with my parents still hangs like a heavy burden; no one knows anything yet... I really don’t want the real reason our breakup became known to at least someone! Firstly, I don’t want everyone to turn away from my husband, and secondly, I don’t want my daughter to become the subject of all sorts of gossip and discussion. I can’t tell anyone, I have no one to consult with, I walk and talk to myself all day long. There are a lot of different voices in my head - mine, his, my relatives... Sometimes I catch myself saying something out loud... Once I visited a psychologist just to talk it out, he conducted a constellation that helped me see the situation from the outside , I realized that now I just need to think and take care of myself, about my daughter, and not about my husband, but so far I’m not very good at it. And I would also like to find out from specialists whether similar inclinations like my husband’s are amenable to some kind of treatment or elaboration? Sometimes I start to doubt the correctness of my decision... Maybe it’s worth trying to cope with this problem together? I used to think about getting a divorce more than once, but now that there is a really serious reason for this, I doubt whether I really want this... I understand that I’ve dumped a lot of questions, worries, and doubts here, but I’ll be grateful to at least get answers at some of them or just an objective view from the outside.

Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.

Hello Olga!

After reading your letter, many words and many feelings arose. I would like to really support you in your decision to protect your family from incestuous impulses. But even more, I would like to try to help you look at situations from a distance, so that you can evaluate all sides of what happened and give yourself the opportunity to get rid of destructive feelings of guilt and condemnation of all participants in what happened.

It is difficult to overestimate the influence of a father on the formation and development of his daughter! It is thanks to the father that the girl learns to recognize in herself those qualities that, over time, will allow her to accept her identity, inherited from her mother. Seeing love and recognition in her father’s eyes, she will learn to recognize these feelings in other men, which will help her cope even more and better with the role of a beloved woman, a caring mother.

But the line of admiration she receives from her father is too thin, and the mental stability of men in today’s permissive world is sometimes too weak to clearly distinguish between paternal love and male love, which girls at this age are already beginning to seek and feel the attention of men on themselves. .

Therefore, the first unconscious attempts by your daughter to “seduce” a man who is definitely important to her in life could serve as an impetus for the launch of “instincts” inherent in any man, which could not be restrained by his other role - the role of a father.

I don’t want to, I won’t and I don’t advise you to blame your daughter, but I can understand the reaction weak man, who finds it difficult to resist the onslaught of these awakening instincts of sexuality inherent in adolescence. I wouldn’t be surprised if the father figure in your husband’s family was weak or completely absent.

The fact that your daughter did not immediately decide to tell you about what happened may indicate that she herself could have been frightened by her behavior and reaction. loved one on him. It is quite possible that he could tell her that what happened between them was her fault. And it is very difficult for a teenager to cope with such a feeling of guilt, which is why most incest cases are never solved.

Even if we assume that not everything that happened actually happened, and some facts could have been the result of the child’s fantasies about how it could have been, there was still a reason for such fantasies if you did not notice any deviations in your daughter mental development! In today's world, even entering a bathroom or sanitary room can be considered incest while a child is taking a shower or bath, or relieving himself!

The child’s behavior can be justified by the fact that she is not yet a mature person and may not be aware of her actions. But an adult must cope with his desires, especially those directed towards his own children!

I, like the psychologist you visited, recommend that you pay attention to your daughter, since such trauma, in addition to possible sexual disorders in the future, may be accompanied by a feeling of guilt for the separation of parents and will color the child’s future life for a long time with the search for an opportunity to make amends for this guilt.

I would like to reassure you that such behavior can be treated, but I will be dishonest if I say that such behavior requires increased control, and it seems that your husband cannot provide it.

By making and defending your decision to protect your children from such trauma, you can allow your husband to participate in caring for the children from afar, thereby depriving him of the opportunity to be led by his uncontrollable desires and cause possible harm to one of the other children. And the feeling of pity has already played a cruel joke on more than one person, so I consider this feeling unacceptable for making such important decisions not only in your life, but also in the lives of your children.

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The most serious mistake that many mothers and grandmothers make when raising a daughter and, accordingly, a granddaughter is to program her with a certain mandatory set of skills and qualities that she must possess. “You must be nice”, “You must be flexible”, “You must be liked”, “You must learn to cook”, “You must”. There is nothing wrong with the ability to cook, but the girl develops a flawed mindset: you will only have value if you meet a set of criteria. Here, a personal example will work much more effectively and without trauma to the psyche: let’s cook together tasty soup. Let's clean the house together. Let's choose your hairstyle together. Seeing how her mother does something and enjoys it, her daughter will want to learn how to do it. And on the contrary, if a mother hates something, then no matter how much she repeats that she needs to learn it, the girl will have a subconscious aversion to the process. But in fact, the girl will learn everything she needs sooner or later anyway. When she herself needs it.

The second mistake that is often encountered in raising daughters is a heavy, judgmental attitude towards men and sex, which is transmitted to her by her mother. “They all want the same thing,” “Look, he’ll screw you up and leave you,” “The main thing is don’t bring it in the hem,” “You should be inaccessible.” As a result, the girl grows up with the feeling that men are aggressors and rapists, that sex is something dirty and bad that should be avoided. At the same time, with age, her body will begin to send her signals, hormones will begin to rage, and this internal contradiction between the prohibition coming from the mother and the desire coming from within is also very traumatic.

The third mistake, which amazingly contrasts with the second - closer to the age of 20, the girl is told that her formula for happiness consists of “getting married and giving birth.” And ideally, before the age of 25, otherwise it will be too late. Think about it: first, as a child, she was told what she had to learn (list) in order to get married and become a mother, then for several years she was conveyed the idea that men are assholes and sex is dirt, and now again: get married and give birth . This is paradoxical, but often it is precisely these contradictory attitudes that mothers voice to their daughters. The result is fear of relationships as such. And the risk of losing yourself, losing touch with your desires and realizing what the girl really wants increases significantly.

The fourth mistake is overprotection. Now this is a big problem, mothers are increasingly tying their daughters to themselves and surrounding them with so many prohibitions that it becomes scary. Don’t go for walks, don’t be friends with these guys, call me every half hour, where are you, why are you 3 minutes late. Girls are not given any freedom, they are not given the right to make decisions, because these decisions may turn out to be wrong. But it normal! At the age of 14-16, a normal teenager goes through the process of separation, he wants to decide everything himself, and (with the exception of issues of life and health) he needs to be given this opportunity. Because if a girl grows up under her mother’s heel, she will become convinced that she is a second-class creature, incapable of autonomous existence, and that everything will always be decided for her by other people.

The fifth mistake is the formation of a negative image of the father. It doesn’t matter whether the father is present in the family or the mother is raising the child without his participation, it is unacceptable to turn the father into a demon. You cannot tell a child that his shortcomings are due to bad heredity on his father’s side. You can’t denigrate your father, no matter what he was. If he really was a “goat,” then the mother should admit her share of responsibility for the fact that she chose this particular man as the father of her child. It was a mistake, so the parents separated, but responsibility for the one who took part in the conception cannot be shifted to the girl. It's definitely not her fault.

The sixth mistake is corporal punishment. Of course, you should never hit any children, but it is worth recognizing that this is more traumatic for girls. Psychologically, the girl quickly slides from normal self-esteem to the position of humiliation and subordination. And if physical punishment comes from the father, this will almost certainly lead to the girl choosing aggressors as partners.

The seventh mistake is under-praising. A daughter should grow up constantly hearing that she is the most beautiful, the most beloved, the most capable, the best. This will form a healthy, normal self-esteem. This will help the girl grow up with a feeling of self-satisfaction, self-acceptance, and self-love. This is the key to her happy future.

The eighth mistake is clarifying the relationship in front of your daughter. Parents should never start arguments in front of their children; this is simply unacceptable. Especially if we're talking about about the personal qualities of the mother and father, mutual accusations. The child should not see this. And if this happens, both parents must apologize and explain that they could not cope with their feelings, they quarreled and have already made peace, and most importantly, the child has nothing to do with it.

The ninth mistake is incorrectly living a girl’s puberty. There are two extremes here: allow everything so as not to lose contact, and prohibit everything so as not to “miss out.” As they say, both are worse. The only way to overcome this difficult period for everyone without sacrifice is firmness and goodwill. Firmness is in upholding the boundaries of what is permitted, goodwill is in communication. For girls at this age, it is especially important that they talk to them a lot, ask questions, answer idiotic questions, and share their memories. And you need to react calmer, never use these conversations against the child. If this is not done now, there will never be closeness again, and the grown daughter will say: “I never trusted my mother.”

Finally, the last mistake is the wrong attitude towards life. Girls should never be told that her life must include certain points. Get married, give birth, lose weight, don’t get fat, and so on. A girl needs to be encouraged to achieve self-realization, to be able to listen to herself, to be able to do what she likes, what she can do, to enjoy herself, to be independent from other people’s assessments and public opinion. Then a happy, beautiful, self-confident woman will grow up, ready for a full-fledged partnership.

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When a daughter is born, the mother sincerely hopes for a warm relationship with her. But the girl grows, her character, habits, and behavior are formed, and it often happens that she moves away from her family. If contact is not restored in time, family relationships can take on an extremely ugly hue. Without trust in her mother's advice, a girl risks making mistakes and ruining her destiny.

How to improve relationships with an adult daughter? Put yourself in her position and become her friend. When hostility and anger disappear between you, the girl will feel mother's love and support, she will be able to perceive the instructions differently. Give up harsh measures and pressure, and you will get results.

How to improve your relationship with your adult daughter

First of all, you need to realize that the child’s behavior is the result of your upbringing. It is not enough to just love him, you need to instill respect for elders from childhood, teach him discipline and work. At the same time, we must not forget about the needs of the child, please him, help, support, make his dreams and desires come true.

A family should be a team where everyone has their own responsibilities, a common goal and a solid shoulder to lean on. With such a relationship, neither the difficult teenage period, nor everyday problems or misfortunes are scary.

If harmonious and strong relationships have not developed since childhood, it will not be easy to establish them with an adult daughter. Still, it is easier to understand a small man than a big one. But you shouldn’t give up either. How can you improve your relationship with your teenage daughter?

1. Ask your daughter what you have done or are doing that is not what she would like her mother to be. Silently listen to all the complaints and digest the information. Children themselves give hints to adults, but their own egoism prevents them from hearing and perceiving them.
2. Ask for forgiveness if something is your fault.
3. Start changing your relationship better side. First, stop judging your daughter, quarreling with her and causing trouble. Still, such methods do not work.
4. Start involving the girl in activities that are interesting to you and her. For example, sign up for a course in making sushi, cakes, or photography training. If your daughter rejects all ideas, do it yourself and then share the results. After a while, try again.
5. Be interested in her life, hobbies, plans. Try not to make it seem like the goal is to control the situation. Show interest and participation, ask if your help or advice is needed.

We must strive with all our might to restore trust. It will happen, the relationship will gradually improve on its own. Take it to the next level – partnership. Be on the same page, it will bring a lot of pleasure to both daughter and mother.

What interferes with a harmonious relationship with an adult daughter?

All parents abuse their power over their children to one degree or another. The understanding that a child does not belong to the mother, that he is an individual, with his own desires and beliefs, often comes through painful experience. Some continue to hold a grudge against their daughters all their lives because they act contrary to their parents’ opinions or choose the wrong profession or husband. And such an attitude brings only one misfortune.

The main reasons for a bad mother-daughter relationship:

It is difficult for any mother to realize that the child is growing up and separating. How to understand that your daughter is ready for independent life that she does not overestimate her strength? How to protect her from mistakes? This burning question is so concerning loving heart that the woman begins to go too far: she tightly controls the girl, does not allow her to go out, weeds out the “wrong” friends, quarrels with boys, etc.

How mothers spoil their daughters

The only way to avoid spoiling your daughter is by raising her with your own, worthy example. Children always repeat after adults, absorbing both good and bad like sponges. Did the girl try alcohol? Ask yourself a question: isn’t it customary in your family to drink if you want to have fun or get together with a group of family and friends? Not tidying up your room? Do you always pack your things yourself?

We are all not perfect, and, alas, we cannot raise ideal children. Everyone is flawed in some way. But if there is humanity inside, love for family and love of family, all flaws become meaningless.

Unconditional love

It is important for a girl to feel support and acceptance from her mother. Even if she is wrong, puts on a mask of indifference, do not stop giving your love. Love your daughter differently.

If you turn away from every bad deed and punish with indifference, this will lead to the development of complexes. Of course, it is necessary to educate and condemn bad behavior, but as a person, your daughter should remain the most beloved, the best for you.

Full communication

Talk to your daughter about a variety of topics. Life as a teenager is interesting if you are open to new things. Your daughter can tell you about new technologies, fashion trends, and youth trends. Thanks to her, you can keep up with the times and feel much younger.

Try to talk to the girl not from the position of a parent, but from the position of a friend. Remember that communication should not feel like an interrogation.

General traditions

Family is not just cohabitation and common life. It should give strength, and for this it is very important to know and honor your roots. Traditions strengthen family bonds, give answers to the questions of who we are, what unites us, what is our contribution to society and the world. The daughter needs to be told who her ancestors are and how they lived. Usually family traditions are passed on from generation to generation.

You can come up with completely new customs. For example, once a year, go on a trip or hike with the whole family, make dumplings with surprises every first Sunday (cookies with wishes), etc. It’s better to discuss the idea with your daughter; surely a young and flexible mind will come up with a lot of interesting options.

Manifestation of individuality

Sometimes it is very useful to remember yourself during your daughter’s years. Who, no matter how teenager, thinks that the whole world is at his feet. He wants to test his strength, achieve recognition and success. Help your daughter with this. Support her endeavors, even if at first glance they seem hopeless and crazy.

You cannot know in advance what this will lead to. For example, today it is fashionable to record various kinds of videos and post them on the Internet. Even if nonsense is filmed on it, but people watch it, the system pays money. Who knows, maybe such a hobby will bring significant income, or give experience, fame and push the girl to the profession of a TV presenter or journalist.

“The one who first takes a step towards reconciliation and admits that he was wrong will be right,” says psychologist M. Sergeeva. – What is the use of arguing and defending your positions with your own daughter? Let her feel comfortable and calm next to you, and she will agree to meet you. Through confrontation and struggle, no one has yet managed to achieve mutual understanding and do good. Do everything with love"

Adolescent psychologists are unanimously confident that you need to show respect to children, and not just demand it towards yourself. Requests and instructions should not be made in a categorical manner. We need to look for a compromise in everything.

Many parents look forward to adolescence with horror, and live through it in the same horror. In fact, puberty only exposes problems that already exist in the family. Therefore, it is important to ask the question correctly. Not how I can improve my relationship with my teenage daughter, but how I can improve my relationship with my daughter in principle. Start with the foundation - trust and mutual respect. Stop raising an adult: your daughter has already absorbed all the good things you gave her. Let her express herself and just love.

Marina, Moscow