What to do if a child witnesses parents having sexual intercourse? Child in the parent's bedroom: what to do if you are caught.
It is very important to explain to the child what he saw, truthfully and taking into account the child’s age. React calmly, because the child “reads” your state. And she may be struck not so much by the fact of what she saw as by your violent reaction to this event. In a family where love and trust reign, all moments of crisis pass in less pronounced forms.
Second: don't try to kick your child out the door, but don't scold him
Aggression on the part of parents is an inadequate reaction. And such a reaction only aggravates the child’s experiences. The child should not be left alone with his impressions and guesses.Third: you need to immediately calm the child
After all, he may get the impression that adults are fighting, fighting, or something like that. The child may get scared and cry. Therefore, it must be said that no one here does anything bad to anyone. Explain to your child that you and dad love each other very much and enjoyed each other.Make a comparison between your love and your love for your child. You also caress and hug the child. But do not forget to voice the difference between showing the best feelings for a child and existing between spouses.
If you have to get dressed, do it naturally. As if you were just about to take your clothes.
Fourth: Talk to your child about sex right away.
Be positive and truthful. No excuses like “don’t poke your nose in”, “you’ll know everything when you grow up” and fables about a stork or cabbage.Such words only confuse the child and give him grounds for various suspicions and guesses. For children over 4 years old, such excuses can provoke deliberate peeking at parents or other adults.
This conversation is a good opportunity to give the child positive attitudes about family, about the beauty of the relationship between a man and his wife, focusing on Love! True information about sex and relationships between men and women will strengthen your friendship and trust in children and will not allow the “street” to distort such important information.
For children under three years old, it will be enough if you tell them that you love each other very much, that’s why they were loving and hugging each other. Here it is useful to remember when and at what age such relationships become possible.
It is also in your power to lay down a positive and healthy model for experiencing the feeling of love for the future. Tell your child that when she grows up, finishes kindergarten, school, university, and starts working, she will also definitely meet a person whom she will love very much and marry (get married) to her.
And in order to feel the warmth and love of a dear person, you will occupy and caress each other, as we do.
It is better for children aged 3.5-4 years and older to talk about intimate relationships in more detail. Because it is after 4 years that children begin to actively become interested in the genitals.
Usually such “research” takes place in kindergartens, and parents cannot control this in any way. Therefore, by this time it is better to form in the child a natural understanding of his body, of his origin.
Here it is recommended to use scientific names, concepts (for example, all boys have a penis, and girls have a vulva, a child is born through the vagina), etc.
Fostering a sexual culture in the future will be the key to rejecting vulgar street language. A confidential conversation with parents about sexual relations using scientific terms is like a certain vaccination for a child against unhealthy and increased sexual interest.
This interest is also weakened by boys and girls being naked together until the age of five.
Therefore, when telling older children about a piquant situation, focus on love and remind: “Dad and mom love each other very much, and in order to show their tenderness and affection, they hugged and caressed each other. They love each other and you so much that they want our family to have many loving children. Dad planted seeds for mom so that from them, like seeds, a child would one day be born. Just like you were once born (born). But nature works in such a way that not every seed grows into a plant. Also, not every seed produces a child, so they plant a lot of them.”
It is important to use similar words in conversation (seed-pome, child-plant) and later you can add schematic drawings, scientific names of the genital organs.
But do not overload your child with detailed information. Children have imaginative thinking, so it is better to later conduct a visual experiment by actually sowing wheat seeds in a pot with the child, for example, and showing how individual seeds germinate or do not germinate. It will be truthful and interesting.
Try to see the positive in any situation, no matter how difficult or piquant it may seem. Then it will be easier for you to cope with the situation, choose the right words and, by your own example, teach your children to look at the world positively and kindly.
Household chores are completely completed, and the child has been sleeping in his crib for a long time. Mom and dad can finally be alone and take care of their “personal” matters. But suddenly, at the most crucial moment, a baby appears completely unexpectedly on the threshold of the parent’s bedroom. "What are they doing?" – in his eyes one can read both amazement and fear at the same time. At this moment, it is important to try to remain calm and not focus his attention on the sight he sees.
Saying no to panic
Scenes of this kind usually evoke mixed reactions in children, bordering between curiosity and fear. Having “caught” his parents doing an interesting activity, the baby may think that his mother is being hurt. His perception may be aggravated by nervousness on your part, accompanied by shouting or angry statements about his visit. If this happens, dad will forever remain in the eyes of the child as a villain and tormentor of mom. If parents are embarrassed, fussy and nervous, the child may see this as confirmation of his fears, which may subsequently affect his intimate life.
Remember, a scene of love between parents can cause irreparable trauma to the child’s psyche. The sexual relationship of parents should always be shrouded in secrecy, be in the “forbidden zone”, and it is better to remain completely out of sight and attention of the child. But if it so happens that the baby takes you by surprise with his sudden appearance, you will have to convince him that there is nothing terrible about it.
If your child is very young (under 5 years old) , in a calm voice, ask him what happened and why he came. Perhaps he was simply afraid of the dark? Or did you want to drink? Be sure to ask him if everything is okay. When asked what you did, say what “Dad gave mom a massage, hence the sounds and moans”, or “Mom and Dad were just hugging because they love each other very much.”. Add also that you love him too, and hugging is quite natural for loving people.
It happens that children, waking up at night, are half asleep and are not fully aware of what is happening. In this case, throw on your clothes and walk him to your crib. Children subtly sense your emotional state, so if you don’t worry, they won’t attach any importance to what they see.
Child over 5 years old You can ask to go out for a while and wait for you outside the door (or in your crib). After he leaves your bedroom, get dressed and approach him. Without a hint of indignation, ask him what he wanted. When he explains why he came to you, tell him in an absolutely calm voice: “Darling, please, next time, before you come in, knock on the door.”. If he becomes anxious, reassure him that everything is okay. You can say: “There are moments when mom and dad want to be alone. When we hug, we don't want anyone to see it."
It happens that children saw more than what you expect. Then they may behave somewhat cheekily to hide their awkwardness and ask you provocative questions: “And what were you doing there?” Under no circumstances give in to your impulses and do not scold them.
Do not yell or scold your child under any circumstances. Be calm and don’t show that something out of the ordinary has happened!
Note to moms!
Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...
At the age of 7-10, many children already know what's what. If a child accidentally witnesses a sex scene, he may not ask anything, believing that this is a “shameful” topic. Therefore, it would be useful to talk about this first and once again show that you can talk about this with your parents, this topic is not bad and not taboo. Just make sure that the child really saw something - sometimes frightened mothers, after having a conversation, belatedly realize that the sleepy child did not notice anything.
Without many words
In any case, first find out what exactly the child saw. Otherwise it will turn out like in one old famous joke.
The son comes up to his father and says: “Dad, what is abortion?” The blushing father tries to explain to his son what it is. He begins to talk about the complexities of the structure of the world, how animals reproduce, then moves on to human copulation. The whole story is accompanied by the terms “coitus”, “conception”, “fetus”, “unwanted pregnancy”... Having finished his long tirade, he finally looked at amazed son and asked: “Son, where did you hear such a word?” What's the baby for? with wide eyes, sighing, answers: “You see, dad, we learn a poem at school and there are these words: “... And the waves moan, and cry, and splash. And the waves keep crashing ABOUT BOARD ship..."
Therefore, do not rush to make excuses, it is better to wait and, based on the baby’s reaction, determine how to behave further - pretend that nothing happened or still explain to him about the peculiarities of the relationship between mom and dad.
Memo to parents
If you are caught doing the “same” activity, there is reason to think about precautions. Even small children have a hard time experiencing such scenes of love, sleep poorly after this, become anxious and nervous. According to psychologists, most people (mostly girls) who have problems in their sexual lives became involuntary witnesses of their parents’ closeness in childhood. They forever have an image in their head that it is very scary, disgusting and “painful.” As adults, they never manage to get rid of those negative moments of their childhood perception from their memory.
This situation can be avoided. Here are some ways to protect children from psychological trauma:
- Always keep your bedroom door closed. It is better to put a lock or install a latch on it. This way you will ensure complete relaxation and stop being nervous that someone might come into your room.
- Teach your child to knock before, how to enter the room. You must show this with your example. Knock when you want to enter his room. He will be pleased with this attitude - mutual respect is guaranteed.
- If circumstances do not allow you to sleep in different rooms (small apartment, inconvenient arrangement of rooms), make a screen or curtain, separating your and your child’s beds from each other. Of course, in this case, you need to restrain yourself and not allow yourself loud sounds, groans and sudden movements.
- Be more creative. You don’t have to make love only in the bedroom; you can explore other places as well. This way you will not only protect your baby from an “unflattering” sight, but also diversify your sexual relationships.
Teach your child to show love in your family– in the morning, say hello, kiss and hug, and in the evening wish you peaceful dreams. Stroke your baby's head when you praise him, don't skimp on affection. Spend more time together. In such a loving family, the child will definitely be happy. And then, even if something “forbidden” appears before his eyes, it will not have a detrimental effect on his psyche.
What to do if your child “caught” you in bed with your husband?
The moment when a child is caught during sex is so awkward that many parents are at a loss as to what the right thing to do is to distract him so that he forgets, or try to answer his uncomfortable questions? In this video, we’ll figure it out together with experts - psychologist Victoria Lyuborevich-Torkhova, TV presenter of the “Let’s Talk About Sex” project Yulia Bortnik and star trainer, father of two children Vyacheslav Uzelkov:
Note to moms!
Hello girls! Today I will tell you how I managed to get in shape, lose 20 kilograms, and finally get rid of the terrible complexes of fat people. I hope you find the information useful!
The long-awaited evening - the children are sleeping, the house is quiet and calm. It's time to pay attention to each other. And at the loudest moment, your beloved child appears from somewhere with the question: “What are you doing here?”
The most important thing is not to get lost and not to panic. Your reaction to being “caught” will largely determine the child’s emotional state and attitude towards what he saw.
Calmly and without panic “complete the process”
To a small child (up to 5 years old), you can say something like the following:“Mom and dad love each other. We love you. Everything is fine". You can calmly ask an older child to leave the room, telling him that in a minute you will come to him yourself.
Then get dressed and approach the child. Calmly ask him what brings him to your room. Talk calmly - don't shout or scold him for coming to you.
Very often, scenes seen in bed by parents cause fear, horror and aggression in children(usually to dad), because the children feel that dad is offending mom and hurting her. So if you scream, get nervous, and become indignant, it will be difficult for your child to believe that everything is actually fine.
Remember that children very subtly grasp the feelings of their parents, which is why your emotional reaction to what happened is much more important than what the child saw.
Talking about feelings
After the incident, behave naturally - don’t be embarrassed, don’t get angry and be prepared to answer your beloved child’s questions. If a child persistently asks: “What were you doing there?” You shouldn’t avoid answering or invent fables, but you shouldn’t go into explanations of all the intricacies of the process of intercourse either.
First of all, clarify what exactly the child saw. So that it doesn’t turn out like in the famous joke, when in response to the son’s question “Dad, what is abortion?” the father first told in all colors what it was, and then, Having inquired where the son knew about this, he heard that he read in a book: “And the waves crashed against the side of the ship.”
If the child saw that you “were naked and hugging,” say that you love each other, love to hug, and you want not to be disturbed at that moment, but to knock before entering your room.
If the child is frightened by the sounds, say that it did not hurt you, rather, on the contrary, it was pleasant.
If you have not yet talked to your child about gender differences and sexual relationships, but you see the child’s interest and curiosity in this topic, be sure to talk.
Praise him for his interest and satisfy his need to know about it. Read about how best to do this with children of different ages in my next article.
Note to moms and dads
If a child “caught” you, then this is a reason to think about measures to protect your personal space in order to prevent this from happening. Cases have been described in practice where even one-year-old children, seeing their parents during sex, were frightened and could not sleep for several days and became anxious.
In my practice, I have met adult girls with various difficulties in sexual relationships with partners, who talked about how in childhood they often witnessed their parents’ sexual relations... But since it was “embarrassing and impossible” to talk about it, I had to draw my own conclusions...
So it turns out later that it is difficult to enjoy sexual relations if you once (from what you saw) had a clear idea that sex is “painful and disgusting.” So,
- Close the door to your room and teach children to enter only after knocking and permission to enter. Do the same for your child.
- For additional protection put a bolt/latch on the door, to definitely protect yourself and your child from such incidents
- If you have one room, separate the space where you sleep- curtain, screen - anything. Well, then you’ll have to be a little more restrained in your emotions
- Be creative and resourceful- master new spaces, time, and so on. This will not only protect your child from contemplating unnecessary scenes, but will also diversify your sex life.
- This does not mean that you cannot show feelings around your child. Vice versa, it will be great if he sees that mom and dad love each other. Gentle hugs and kisses between you and sharing pity/hugs with your child, for example, on a weekend morning, will clearly demonstrate to the child that love and harmony reign in the family. And then even accidentally seeing something “forbidden” will not be able to cause serious injury to the child.
Love each other! Harmony, warmth and peace to your families!
Dear readers! Have you ever had any “awkward” situations? What did you tell your child? How do you protect your personal space from children? We are waiting for your answers in the comments!
Sometimes children's curiosity about the relationship between the sexes and human structure can take unusual forms. The child may not ask direct questions. There are several types of children's behavior in relation to the topic of intimate relationships and human structure.
COMPLETE LACK OF INTEREST.
An ordinary child, due to his natural curiosity, will definitely at least at some point take an interest in this issue. If you do not see the slightest interest in the topic of gender, the structure of the human body and the relationship between men and women, then this may be due to your own behavior. Sometimes parents unknowingly block their children's curiosity in this direction. That is, curiosity remains, but parents do not see it, it does not manifest itself in the form of questions from the child, direct interest in this topic.
Most often, this situation is associated with increased anxiety of parents in matters of intimate relationships or their excessive strictness in this area.
Some parents are reassured and even pleased by the situation when the child does not ask questions. There is no need to explain anything to him, no questions - no problems. However, let's look at the situation from the other side. In any case, the child receives information about the human body and sexual relationships. After all, he does not live in a vacuum, around him are peers, older children, modern media, works of art. And all of these are sources of knowledge for him, from which he draws something that forms his picture of the world, including the picture of gender relations. When there is no conscious parental influence among these sources, several unpleasant consequences can arise at once:
– parents do not influence in any way what kind of picture of sexual relations between people will be formed in the child. This means that they cannot expect that this picture will correspond to their personal ideas about what is good and what is bad;
– information received from peers or other random sources may be far from reality or even dangerous. For example, children and adolescents often convey distorted information to each other about the possibility of pregnancy and contraceptive measures. Questions about the safety of sexual relationships rarely become a subject of interest for teenagers.
– if there is an unspoken taboo in the family on discussing sexual issues, then parents cannot expect that in a difficult situation the child will come to them for help. Growing up, a child may encounter a variety of situations. For example, peers may provoke him to engage in various acts of a sexual nature, he may become the object of an adult’s unnatural attraction, or he may accidentally see something that frightens him. If the channel of communication with parents is open, then adults can count on the child coming to them for help. If parents diligently avoided such topics, then the child most likely will not dare to approach adults with dangerous questions.
You can avoid such complications if you make it clear to your child that he can discuss topics related to gender issues with you.
NEGATIVE ATTITUDE.
Sometimes children show obvious hostility towards the topic of gender relations. They turn away or make negative comments about kissing and other manifestations in this area. A child who shows such an attitude has decided that intimacy is something reprehensible.
Initially, the child does not feel either shame or disgust for manifestations of sexuality; such feelings are always the result of his experience of interaction with the culture around him. Probably, observing the reaction of an adult, the child realized that intimate relationships are something that is usually condemned.
Whatever the reasons for this phenomenon, parents should try to direct the child’s attitude in a healthier direction.
HOLIGAN ANCIENTS.
Sometimes parents see that their child is behaving provocatively. He may compulsively joke about the human body, do things for which adults scold him (for example, lifting up girls' skirts or trying to touch the genital area). Or parents notice that the child tries to stay in the room where adults are changing clothes and spies on them. Usually, parents not only scold the child for such behavior, but also begin to fear that the child is exhibiting bad tendencies that must be urgently eradicated.
An example of such a situation is the following case. The mother of 5-year-old Vadim regularly had to listen to complaints from kindergarten teachers. The boy lifted the girls' skirts, often used rude language, and used foul language on the topic of intimate relationships. The parents were in considerable bewilderment: after all, they never talked about sexual relations in front of their son, and the boy was severely punished for any hints in this area. In response to complaints from educators, they tightened educational measures in an attempt to eradicate unwanted behavior.
In such cases, the parents' reaction is often just that - punitive actions in response to the child's sexually charged actions. Usually such events only worsen the situation.
Hidden in the child’s hooligan behavior is a question that he does not dare to formulate. This is a question about the human structure and gender relations. The pressure of curiosity and the inability to directly satisfy your curiosity (adults scold for this) gives a paradoxical effect. The child begins to behave defiantly, as if acting out an internal conflict. Sometimes the child himself is not able to formulate the question that interests him, in other cases he has already learned to fear the adult’s reaction to such questions.
It is better to treat a child’s hooligan and provocative behavior as follows:
- Allow him to be curious. Let the child understand that his interest is not at all vicious, but very natural. Tell him about how the human body works, treat his behavior as a hidden, veiled question.
– limit his actions. It is advisable to tell the child that, despite the fact that his interest is normal and you are ready to explain everything to him, people have agreed to behave according to certain rules. There are places that are not customary to touch in front of other people and that cannot be touched in front of other people. There are words and movements that cause anger in others. And if someone breaks the rules, they usually get angry with him and often scold him.
If you act in these two directions at the same time, and do not just scold and punish the child for non-standard forms of curiosity, then the situation will certainly change for the better.
Psychologists are convinced that children’s attitude towards scenes of parental intimacy they see is greatly influenced by the reaction to the child appearing at the door. The most important thing is not to panic and not to focus on sensitive scenes.
What should you tell your child “about this”?
Scenes in which parents make love most often evoke an extremely ambiguous reaction in the child who sees them, bordering between interest and fear.
Finding parents in such a delicate situation, a small child may think that dad is hurting mom. Dad’s irritability, screams, and impartial statements about his walking around the house will convince him of this thought.
Such a parental reaction will lead to the child perceiving the father as a villain and mother’s tormentor. If after this adults begin to remain silent and behave nervously, the baby will become even more confident in his suspicions, which ultimately can negatively affect the child-parent relationship.
Ideally, a child should not witness sexual contact between adults. However, this is not always possible, so if your baby has “declassified” you, you need to find the right explanations. The choice of words will undoubtedly depend on the age of the young witness.
If the child is 2 - 3 years old
A two- or three-year-old child who catches mom and dad at the moment of intimacy, due to his age and psychological characteristics, does not understand what is happening.
In this case, parents should behave calmly and quickly come up with the simplest explanation for their actions, otherwise the baby will begin to be actively interested in what happened, which can lead to an awkward situation.
Most often, experienced adults say that dad gave mom a massage, they were just having fun, playing, etc.
At the same time, you should not get dressed in the presence of a small witness; on the contrary, he should be sent on business: bring a purse, a glass of water, see what the pet is doing, etc.
After the child returns and mom and dad get themselves in order, you can play with him a little. Let his father give him a piggyback ride and his mother give him a fun massage. This is necessary for the baby to be sure that everything is in perfect order.
Many children at this age develop various fears. If you leave the situation without explanation (even if it is completely ridiculous, from an adult point of view), then he may think that the father is beating the mother, and her screams are caused by pain.
It is important to rid the child of negative emotions. To do this, you need to talk to him calmly, kindly, emphasizing that he is wrong, dad did not want to hurt mom, on the contrary, parents have extremely warm feelings for each other.
If a three-year-old is so impressionable that he begins to ask to go to his parents’ bed because of fears that have arisen, this desire should be satisfied. Let the baby fall asleep with mom and dad, and only then you can take him to his own bed. Very soon the children should calm down and forget about their fear.
Experienced parents who have encountered such an uncomfortable situation advise preventing it. To do this, you should lock the door to your parents’ bedroom before intimacy. Such forethought will help parents not to be afraid of prying eyes.
If the child is 4 - 6 years old
A five-year-old preschooler is a rather curious little person who actively absorbs any information, especially “mysterious,” “unusual,” and “forbidden.”
Despite the fact that a child at this age does not yet have knowledge of a sexual nature, he moves in a circle of friends who may be much more enlightened on this issue.
As a result, older children are able to explain in their own way the specifics of the relationship between dad and mom if a little witness tells them about what happened.
If a five-year-old child “caught” his parents at the moment of intimacy, most likely he did not notice anything “extraordinary” in the dark. Of course, there is no need to shout, but you also shouldn’t explain everything about the “stork” in detail.
Explain to the child that the mother had a back pain, and the father gave him a massage. This is enough, then you need to switch the child’s attention to something else. For example, take him back to the room, read a fairy tale and make sure that he is definitely asleep now.
Reasonable parental behavior and a calm explanation will ensure that the child will soon forget about what he saw. If parents avoid children’s questions and shout, the baby will mentally return to the situation and want to learn about it from “other sources.”
The next day, you should be extremely careful to find out what the child managed to notice during the night. If he snorts in response that he saw you kissing, just calm down - he didn’t understand anything. That's it, this discussion is over, there is no need to return to this situation.
As we have already said, preschoolers are curious. If adults have not satisfied the child's interest, there is a possibility that the child himself will begin to look for answers, including spying on his parents or going into their room, justifying the visits with the fear of being alone.
If you notice that your child is spying on you, you should not scold or punish him. However, you need to talk to him about this topic. Tell them that such behavior is undignified, unacceptable, and undesirable. Agree with your child that from now on you will knock first, and only then enter each other’s rooms.
If the child is 7 - 10 years old
Many ten-year-olds are already aware of the relationships between the male and female sexes. But all sexual contacts seem to them to be something dirty and unworthy, so scenes of parental intimacy usually evoke negative emotions in children at this age.
It is curious that already as adults, eyewitnesses of a sexual scene between parents say that at that moment (and even many years later) they felt anger, resentment, shame, because they considered such behavior to be something indecent, obscene and dirty.
To avoid negative emotions or minimize their severity, psychologists recommend adhering to the correct behavioral tactics:
- First of all, you should calm down. You cannot shout at a small bystander, because he will get angry and feel offended. It is best to invite the child to return to his room and wait for a serious conversation.
- A heart-to-heart conversation is necessary, but its content will differ from a dialogue with a preschooler. You can already talk about sex with a pre-teen child. Parents briefly explain that there can be an intimate relationship between a man and a woman who are in love with each other. This is completely normal and natural.
- Ten-year-old children can be given books about sexual relationships written specifically for a children's audience to read. They clearly and unobtrusively describe where children come from. It is only important to choose really useful literature.
Parents should speak in such a way that the child understands that nothing shameful happened. But at the same time, one should not describe sexual life in an overly naturalistic and exciting way, since children aged 7 to 10 years are not yet ready for such revelations.
If the child is 11 - 15 years old
The teenager already knows well from various sources what sexual relations are. And if he treats strangers who make love calmly, then he makes completely different demands on his parents.
Finding mom and dad “indecent” is a big stress for a child. In such a situation, an involuntary eyewitness experiences anger and disgust towards the parents. In addition, he himself is ashamed of having seen this “indecent” spectacle.
All these conflicting feelings, coupled with the unstable emotional state characteristic of teenagers, can lead to completely unexpected actions. So, on forums you can find stories in which already matured people tell how they ran away from home, away from their parents.
If the child still managed to notice something that was not intended for his eyes, then it is time to talk seriously about the sexual side of adult relationships. Such a conversation may even be useful, since today's teenagers begin sexual activity early. You just need to place the accents correctly.
Many parents fear that a frank dialogue with their child about the intimate side of life will push him towards “debauchery.” However, this is another myth. On the contrary, if adults do not discuss the problem after the scene the teenager has seen, there is a chance that the child will begin to perceive sex either as something shameful or as something extremely attractive.
Sexual education is an important aspect of raising a child, but it is still better to avoid such extreme situations. To prevent a child or teenager from catching their parents having a “massage”, it is necessary to take precautions in advance.
Experienced parents and psychologists advise following several useful recommendations:
Such precautions will prevent the sudden appearance of a child at the most crucial moment. Of course, preventing such situations should not mean that parents should abandon sex education altogether. There will be heart-to-heart conversations, but targeted and as prepared as possible.
The question of what to do if a child “caught” his parents in bed really requires a qualified answer. At this moment, all smart ideas usually fly out of your head, leaving only shame and awkwardness.
But if you don’t discuss the situation with your child, the consequences can be very unpredictable. The solution to the problem will depend on the age of the little eyewitness. Live life to the fullest and remember to take precautions!